A close friend who is more like a sister to me confided in me today about something very personal. I know that she's been going for marital counseling with her husband for a while. It all seemed to be going well until today, in tears, she asked me if I would make sure her children were okay if anything happened to her or if she lost custody of them. Then she confessed that she has been physically abusive to her husband. She claims that her children have not witnessed any of the events and they have not been harmed in any way. She also denies being abused herself. All she said was that she has been so frustrated and angry at her husband and it just seems like the only way she could stop him from emotionally overwhelming her is to physically defend herself. Apparently he complains a lot and when she's overwhelmed with the kids (he doesn't contribute to any housework or caring for the kids) and she tells him to stop, he says that she needs to be more nurturing. That's when she says she loses it. She says she can't even poop in private or put the kids to bed without him whining about whatever issues he is anxious about. She thinks he has an anxiety or perhaps some paranoia problem and that the counselor has tried to get him to talk about it, but he is very defensive about it and would completely ignore or deny it.
My friend says that she wants to stop hurting her husband physically and wants to get help but she's afraid that she'll lose custody of her kids. She says at this point, she thinks divorce is the only way out to stop her behavior but her husband will not hear of it. Also, their counselor has made it clear that divorce should be the last resort and that they should be able to work things out. Sounded a little judgmental to me.
I don't know what to do now that I know all this. I love her kids too and I worry about their safety. I assured her that I would be there for her kids and that I still love her dearly but I am very puzzled at the same time. My friend was never a violent person. She was always kind and gentle to people, animals and any living being. She's even baby sat my child! Part of me can't believe that she could harm her husband at all. I even looked up to her as being a good mom and wife. I do know, though, that when we were kids, her parents did hit her for punishment. Is that why she has this problem? Is there anything I should do or anything I should advice her to do? I tried to look up help and hotlines for the abuser side of things but can't find anything. Everything is for the victim side.
I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to say that there are quite a few men being abused, but they don't come out about like women do. Probably because of embarrassment, or people won't believe them. Perhaps you should talk to ypur friend about anger management classes. Also, ask yourself, what you would think or do, if this were a man doing this to his wife? Would you still love him dearly?
First off, she needs to be in counseling on her own. Not just marital counseling. She needs to see someone that is here JUST for her and with out her husband there. I think an anger management course would probably help a lot.
I have a friend who was raised in a smacking house (at times it was down right beating) - some of her sibs go WAY out of their way to avoid confrontation and others smash right into it head first. And we are always products of our environment so of course how she was raised has an effect on how she is now.
Some people are universally abusive and others have triggers. (ie, when her husband is not helpful and then smarts off about it).
My suspicion is that she may also come from an alcoholic family. She sounds like a lot of what I've seen as children who had to deal with alcoholic parents and then didn't learn how to really have healthy relationships. (It took me a while to learn how to interact with a significant other with honesty - and I'm still working on it)
I would recommend she get in touch with Al-Anon if this is the case. Even if she is dealing with issues from past drinking problems they can still help point her in the right direction.
And she needs to see a counselor that she feels is helping. I can't say enough for Dr Lichti in Hagerstown but that might be a bit of a drive for her.
The first step is realizing you need help.
Okay, here is what concerned me while reading this post about your friend. What happens the day her husband is not there? will she take her frustration on her children? what does she do when her kids act up? did she tell you everything?
She needs to see an anger management therapist like yesterday!!! she needs professional help, for herself first and foremost. She needs to learn how to deal with her 'pesty' husband. Once she can get a hold of that she will be able to deal with her marriage better. I would at this point suggest that they separate. While separated, she could go see a therapist for anger management issues and they can see the marriage counselor as well. It doesn't sound like the marriage counselor knows that there is physical violence going on; it would be a good idea to share that with him/her.
I don't think anyone should be exposed to that regardless of their sex, they need to put a little space in between them while they can work things out.
It would also be a good idea if they can see a counselor at their church.
She would be able to get some spiritual help as well.
Please encourage her to seek a therapist or councelor for herself right away. Even when we don't want to think about it, we need to think about her children. She needs to do best for her and for her kids. She thinks she is in control now and that her kids are not in danger with her, but it will only take that one day for them to do something to her and make her snap at them! She needs help NOW!!! Please do all you can to get her that help.
I'll be praying for her, her family and you.
Blessings
In addition to her needing individual anger management counseling, it sounds like she might need some help with depression too. Like maybe an antidepressant? And yes, her husband sounds like he needs more help as well, but she can't make that decision for him, so she needs to focus on her. If he sees her willing to get help and change, maybe he'll be more open to it as well. And I also agree about the importance of the situation for her kids -- it's only a matter of time before this happens between her and one of her children, especially if she's the one doing the brunt of the childcare.
Good Morning M. G,
There is more than one victim here. No one can function properly under constant threats or fear. I also believe that divorce should be the last resort, however, it sounds like your friend has given her all and sought help through counseling. It may be time to separate. If they are both good parents, they can file for joint custody and/or come to a reasonable visitation and support plan for the family.
A couple of concerns:
1. She is physically abusive to him
2. He won’t hear of divorce
Do you think that your friend is suicidal? Do you think her husband would do her and/or the family harm if she calls it quits?
Your friend needs to take care of herself before she can take good care of her children. She must be honest with herself and if her children would be better off with their father, while she takes care of her problems, the children’s welfare should come first.
This is a very sticky situation and probably requires continued professional counseling and good family law advice.
I will keep your friend and her family in my thoughts and prayers. Just be as supportive as you can. Sometimes all you can do is listen and help people you care about cry.
Blessings……
wow, most of the people here seem to want to make you feel bad for wanting to help your friend.
this is not a us vs. them situation. helping your friend helps the whole family. it is very admirable of your friend to admit she has a problem and to seek help for it. she may want to go to private counseling in addition to couples counseling. also many battered spouse centers have service and counseling for the abuser as well as the victim. many time the abusers need to be court ordered to come in and it may be a welcome surprise for your friend to come in of her own volition.
thank you for helping your friend and her family.
