LOL
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have three beautiful children (9 1/2, 6 1/2. and 15 months). My life is hectic as a stay at home mom and my husband works two jobs. We are intimate about once every 9 days. Sometimes we get twice a week in there, but that's a rare occasion.
A couple of days ago we were able to have some time together and not fall asleep on each other and the foreplay was great. The sex....about 8 thrusts. Seriously? Afterwards we were talking and my husband said he is tired or finishing so quickly. It's been like that for YEARS. I am often disappointed that it doesn't last longer but I rarely say anything. We also talked about how we need to bring our relationship back to "us". That we (read *I*) are so focused on kids, school, life in general that our intimate life has taken a back burner. We understand that it needs to start happening more often. :) I told my husband that once the kids are all in bed I need about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes ALONE. That I just need to regroup....get myself back into "wife" mode instead of "mom" mode. He's cool with that.
So, here's various questions.....
1. I am off to a sex shop (Lover's Package) today to look for some "last longer" lotion or potion. Anyone know of a good one, or something else I should look for?
2. How do I turn my brain off? What I mean is....I find myself critiquing what's going on when we are in the act. (Why is he doing that? Leave my boob alone? Faster...slower....) I can't just seem to enjoy what's happening!! Plus...It takes a LOT of work for me to shut my brain off. I am thinking about what needs to be done, the laundry that's piled up, the baby that has a runny nose, the dishes, dinner. I can't just seem to ENJOY myself. That's not to say that I don't!! I do!!! It just takes me a while to get there.
3. Am I a freak? Seriously! It shouldn't be this hard.....
Laura
Added- No vibrator here. He isn't up for that. I did try and bring that up a bit, since I worked in a sex shop for about a month YEARS ago and he said no. He already feels bad that he can't last for longer that he doesn't want to bring in a substitute. He wants to do it on his own.
He doesn't masturbate. At least that's what he tells me. :) I have asked him. He shares a bathroom with our older boys so I am sure that he doesn't in the shower....to nervous that a kid will walk in!
I know what works for me. I can get it done in two minutes flat! LOL. But, for some reason it's never like that when he is around. WHy is that??
The only question I can answer is... You are not a freak & I would imagine it is " that hard " for most couples that have young kids & busy schedules.
First, like MzKitty said, the longer between sexual experiences the quicker a man will finish.
Second, if you don't concentrate on him and what he is doing for you, you will make the big O an almost imossible goal. Forget the laundry. Forget the kids homework. Forget the dog needs a bath. AND when you are NOT doing it, explain to him what you would like him to do more of so that when you are doing it you can briefly tell him "Faster, Slower, a little to the right . . ." or what ever so that he doesn't have to ask for an explanation in the middle of "things".
3rd, if he wears a condom that will deaden the experience for him and it will take longer for him to finish. You will have to decide if the textures on the outside of the condoms are a positive or a negative and then buy what you like.
4th, If you keegle (sp?), you will have more "fun".
When ever my wife critiqued my "performance" she never only had bad things to say. I really enjoyed it more when I could feel my wife having a "wonderful time".
Last, but not least, re-arrange your priorities so that intimacy is not on the bottom of the list. Get the book, "101 Nights of Great Sex." Enjoy!
Good luck to you and yours.
I agree with Rachel D, have a drink during that "alone time" beforehand, a nice big glass of wine and a hot bubble bath would be my suggestion :)
And if you are going to the sex shop skip the lotions and get yourself a vibrator! I promise your sex life will never be the same, and I mean that in the BEST possible way!!!
There is an awesome book that deals with a lot of these issues. It's called 'Intended for Pleasure' by Dr Ed Wheat. My husband and I read it before we got married and it was a life saver! There is some stuff in there I don't agree with like about birth control etc, he is kind of against it, but I just read the parts that I find helpful. There was great info about premature ejaculation and also how to get a woman where she needs to be to be ready, to ensure a good climax for both parties. Very helpful stuff! Wish you guys the best!
Why can't he go again?
1.look for things that will spice it up and reconnect you two . Send him to get a bag of goodies. That's what my husband and I do a few times a year.
2. Try to meditate on what he's doing to you, if he's not doing what you like redirect him.
3.no you aren't a freak, I heard no mention of whips and chains, joke. You sound normal to me. I think we all have been there or will be there at some point. Especially with 3 or more kids sucking all our energy.
He probably came so fast because he hadn't had any in a long time. I actually prefer the quickies, but even thats too quick for me! Lol! Maybe if you guys had sex every 2-3 days it would last longer? Is he masterbating on his own? My hubby and I have a Christian devotional and I'm going to go get it...it had suggestions about this just last night that we read...I'll be right back....
Ok, I'm going to type what it says and hope it helps. Here is the name of the book and author if anyone is interested in reading it every day with hubby: "The One Year Book of Devotions for Couples" by David and Teresa Ferguson
"A Love Map exercise includes the following steps: Consder what a perfect sexually intimate time with your spouse wouldinclude. List at least 10 preferences, including timing, location, and clothing. Be as detailed and specific as possible. After each of you has completed your Love Maps, choose a private time and place to exchange lists. Discuss your Love Maps in as much detail as you feel comfortable. Answer one anothers questions and clarify any points as necessary. Finally, schedule two times of intimacy. Yes, PLAN these times of closeness. The planning can create an atmosphere of anticipation. Enjoy one another! We suggest that the husband fullfill their wives' Love map first. Then, as they planned, the wife fulfills her husband's Love Map. The Love Map exercise will help you learn or relearn how to court one another. Throughout the day, spend moments anticipating the pleasures of the two of you becoming one in the physical sense."
We thought this made a lot of sense. I hope you find something that helps. Good luck!
My husband and I often have similar issues. For me, what helps is taking a bath right before and pleasuring my self a little to get me started. As for him, the first fix is more sex. The more often he has sex, the longer he can last. If he is only having sex once every two weeks, a minute is about normal. Also, if you have the time and he really wants to last, have him self pleasure (or you can help) and come to orgasim about an hour before you guys have sex (shorter or longer depending on his recovery time). If he has just gotten off recently, he should be able to hold out much longer the second time. Also, get a toy you like and teach him how to use it on you. That way you can enjoy penetration both before and/or after the actual act of sex to make sure you can get yours as well! I hope this helps!
im the same way. my hubby is a minute man and only goes for himself. he gets done and doesnt get me done. its frustrating.
I have to get on top or my husband just gets too excited and goes pretty quickly. When I'm on top, he can last much, much longer. Also, I find lights off or dim lighting settles my mind. I can't focus with the lights blaring (like my husband likes). Hope this helps!
for us the delay gel never worked because it rubbed off on me, i take a LONG time to get in the mood but once in there im THERE and its great sometimes we have forplay (bjs and hand jobs where he has an o and then we move onto sex
Try to do it more often.
Without being extremely graphic, when he is about to, make him stop for a little bit to regroup. Be patient. It actually prolongs sex for awhile because you have to keep stopping..lol
But I like the fact that it takes us awhile and its not just 5 minutes. Switching positions helps too, it gives you a little break.
I know what makes him go within seconds and try to stay away from that stuff until Im ready.
We have good communication while having sex. Surprisingly....
I don't entirely have an answer for you, but I can tell you that you're not alone. It really is hard to keep the fire burning sometimes... you're not a freak!
When my DH and I have sex, it's thankfully lasts longer than a minute, but rarely results in my complete satisfaction. And sadly, this means I'm not always excited the next time. But it's not all his "fault." I too can't turn my brain off and sometimes I'd just rather sleep.
That said, I do think it's important to keep this connection with my husband so I try hard to get into the mood, and/or welcome his advances even if I'm not in the mood yet. So the fact that you're talking about it with your husband and taking steps to spice things up is great.
Please let me know what you find to make things last longer, I seem to be in the same boat. I feel your pain, I haven't had any in 2 weeks. I find if I can get him not to dink soda for the day & lower his sugar intake as much as possible before the act, I get better results. Trouble is my man has a soda addiction & a sweet tooth.
Get away! Find someone to sit, grandparents, friends, neighbors and get away for at least 2 nights - just the two of you - away from the house, kids and pets. Go somewhere close or far - just spend time together focusing on each other. Relax, talk and be together - as often as possible. It really does help bring intimacy and the spark back.
