My husband had to help move my in-laws to another state this weekend and I tagged along for the road trip. My mom was at our home watching our kids. There was a lot of drama going on with my 14 yr old daughter and her friends and we were making receiving several phone calls about it throughout the trip. On the last day my mil was in the backseat and I was on the phone with my mother. I was very agitated about the drama, but not at my mother. When I got off the phone, my mil says "do you always yell at your mother like that?"
I hadn't realized I was yelling, at least not in an angry way, I was irritated and there was a bad connection. Then my mil says "oh, I just never talked to MY mother like that. We always were friends we have a good relationship" I was slightly offended as I feel that I have a GREAT. Relationship with my mother. I asked my husband if I sounded rude or upset and he said no. Because this upset me, I started thinking about it and we do seem to yell alot but it doesn't mean anybody is mad. My whole family does this, my kids, even my husband. Actually, when we stop being loud and talking that's usually when something is up. I tried to explaining this to my mil but she continued to go on and on about her great relationship with her mother and her kids(which I totally disagree) I'm very close to my kids, and my family and my family is very close to my kids and their family seems so distant(but friendly).
I was still bothered by it when we got home and I asked my mom if she considered us to have a good relationship and she said of course. I told her what happened and she said that she thinks I am just comfortable enough in our relationship that I can be myself and don't have to put on the polite act with her. She understood from the telephone conversation that I was upset,but not with her. This still is bothering me because I dont want other people to think I have a bad relationship with my mother and I guess my mil has all but decided this must be true. Would you assume that someone had a bad relationship with someone else if you overheard a conversation in which you perceived one to be yelling at the other?
MIL just wanted to feel superior . . . at least that's how it sounds from the way you described it.
That being said, it bothered you for a reason. That's the real question - why did it bother you so much? That's something to think about.
Otherwise I'd let it go.
JMO.
Why do you care so much of what people thinks, when you know you have a good relationship? It's silly to waste the time on it.
I would give two flips what other people thought of my relationship with someone else. A relationship is between two people. If a third doesn't like it - too darn bad.
Your MIL was being inappropriate and you just need to ignore her. What she wanted to do was make you feel bad, and you shouldn't.
Some families are a louder than other families. Remember the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? Think about the bride's family versus the groom's family. Of course they're movie families, but really, think about the truth of the matter that different families are different. There's nothing wrong with that.
You told your MIL that you had a bad connection. She didn't care. So you just can't worry about what people think when they won't believe what you say. What your mom thinks is so much more important.
Some people are just loud and dramatic. It doesn't mean you have a bad relationship.
That said, for quieter people it can be pretty disturbing to witness if they have never encountered such a thing. Just make sure your conversations with your in-laws are calm and in a speaking volume. :-)
S.:
What does it matter what other people think? Really. Think about it. YOU KNOW your mother...she KNOWS you...she knows your behavior. So why worry about what your mother in law thinks about it?
Before my mom died last month - I felt VERY confident in our relationship. While she had a hard time hearing on the phone - we could talk when she and my dad were in the car on the speaker/blue tooth and we would laugh and love. Was it loud? Probably! Do I care? Nope! If MY mother in law had had a problem with that? I would have told her - that's YOUR relationship with your mother - **THIS** is mine. Don't like it? Oh well. It's NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
So what I get from this? Your mother in law was trying to berate you and demean you. Why are you allowing her to upset you? You can be respectful to her. But your relationship with your mother is YOURS. And if she comments on it again? Tell her to butt out and remind her that this is MY relationship with my mother. I'm NOT YOU.
Can I turn this around and ask a simple question here:
Why does it matter what anyone here thinks about this?
We don't know you and your family....
The reason I ask this is because I'm wondering if you are wanting validation of your opinion or that your relationship with your family is just peachy, and I kind of feel like you should already know that within yourself.
"Yelling" is sort of arbitrary-- because as you, yourself have stated-- your family doesn't feel it is a negative. Your mom has given you confirmation that things are a-okay and your husband sounds like he agrees.
That said, here's what I'd do-- go forward doing what works for you, DO NOT factor MIL's opinion into things and DO NOT compare her relationship with her family to the one you have with yours. She has a different perception than you do. Perceptions are merely that, ways of seeing things. The funny thing is that you BOTH feel you have good relationships with your family, in the loud or quieter styles you have them in....
Can you let it go?
As for if I overheard someone yelling at someone else....I would try not to make any assumptions about their relationship at all. I can't see both parties, can't see the expression on the second party's face, don't know what they are yelling on and on about-- frankly, I would probably be walking away or trying to focus on something else. I don't find the experience of being near anyone yelling down the phone at anyone else pleasant. Can't say I would jump to the conclusion that the relationship is fine and dandy-- but really, who would?
Know your own truth and don't give this too much thought. Frankly, don't even give MY answer too much thought. If something is sticking in your craw, it means that your perception might benefit from some reexamination (including your opinion/feelings about your MIL). Reexamining things is always good, but to ask a bunch of strangers on a forum~ be careful what you ask as you may not like the responses.... (and remember, we are just people, no one knows you... SO KNOW your own truth!)
Your relationship with your mom works for the two of you. It might not work for others. Being treated like that or treating someone else like that would bother your mil. That doesn't make her right and you wrong. It is what it is. Accept that and move on.
Personally we're not a family of yellers. The first thing that always pops into my head is "Just because you are loud doesn't mean you are right". So yes if I heard an adult woman raising her voice at her mother then yes I'd question why she was being disrespectful to her mother. Does she feel that making herself loud makes her right?
Oh brother! People always talk louder on the phone -- especially if it is on a cell phone with a bad connection. Your relationship with your mom sounds perfectly normal.
Your MIL was just being presumptuous and was probably irritated with you after having sat in the long car ride with the only source of entertainment being your phone call with your mom. Shake it off :-)
Don't over analyze this, I think you should go on loving your family as you do but maybe work on how you express your feelings in rough moments like that. I grew up in a large household and we too have 'loud' voices, but my in laws are the complete opposite. I have learned in over twenty years of being part of my in laws' family that I prefer my direct outspoken way as it resolves conflicts, they avoid confrontation and harbor unresolved conflict. Whenever they have had unavoidable conflicts someone always ends up cutting the other person off for years. In my family we go on speaking to each other in five minutes. Your are perfect just the way you are :)
Ha! If that's the definition of bad relationship, all of mine are terrible! We are a family of boisterous talkers - sometimes yellers - as are my in-laws. We are loud when we disagree and can be even louder as we do agree. I always know when my husband is talking to his dad (who he loves dearly) because the conversation inevitably includes some shouting. It's just a communication style and it works for you. Don't worry about your MIL. I don't think most people think like she does.
Road trips bring out the worst in folk.
People are different. Relationships are different. I'm a little surprised that your MIL would make that kind of judgement. My husband and I often laugh about how different our families are. Mine tends to be the quieter one. Also, my parents very rarely give unsolicited advise, but you can't stop his mom from giving her two cents about the most mundane topics.
People are different. I think your MIL needs to chill.
If you and your mom think everything is okay, then who cares how others perceive you? Please try and let it go........s'all good!
We all evaluates things (like other peoples' conversations) through our own lens. How we come to a conclusion depends on our experiences and what we want to believe about things.
Your MIL was listening and evaluating your conversation through her own expereince, but also through her pre-conceived ideas about her daughter in law and waht she wants to believe about your relationship with you mom.
If you MIL has a daughter she could be wishing she and her daughter were close enough for her daughter to be candid with her. Or if she doesn't have a daughter she could be wishing that she did. Also remember she was only hearing one side of the discussion. She didn't hear the frustration with your child's situation in your mom's voice, etc.
Another thing to consider is that every generation seems to get a little less formal and more casual. so if she was measuring her conversatoins with her mom from 35-40 years ago - yes it would be different.
And yes - some families are more vocal, loud, boisterous. Some are really quiet. Dysfunction comes in all decibel levels! personally I'd rather hear from my family than deal with a passive aggressive silent family.
Finally - do not let this bother you. It's your MIL. She was tired from working to get moved, and who knows what else. I know that even after 30 years my mom was much more comfortable with one or her DILs than another. It was just personalities - she clicked better with one than the other.
Life is too short to lose another moment thinking on this.
Do. OT put any energy into this. You know you have a good relationship, so who cares what others think.
I think you're sensitive because you care what your MIL thinks of you (which is normal) but what's MORE important is how you and your mother perceive your relationship. In the end THAT's what really matters, and it sounds just fine! Worrying about what others think is such a huge waste of time, you'll find you do it a lot less as you get older :-)
Oh FFS, let it go. Like Mom2KCK said, who gives a flip about what anyone else thinks about your relationship with your mom? You KNOW it's a good one. You can't help other people's stupid, ill-informed perceptions. Just like you can't stop your MIL from spouting her opinion all over your shirt.
I also come from a family of "yellers". So what? It takes all kinds of people to make up this world.
It is hard to say. It would obviously matter the context/content of the yelling. But then, I would be not want to make any assumptions based off of overhearing one conversation, unless the CONTENT of the conversation gave that impression.
Anyone can have a bad day, be in a bad mood, be angry (and justifiably so), be frustrated, or have a bad phone connection. But what was being said would matter in the context of any of those moods.
Sounds like your MIL was raised differently and that "her" family communicated differently. Doesn't mean they are closer.
If you talked to your mother, and she is "good" then I see no issue.
I always thought of my family as being close, until husband and I were really talking about family closeness one time. His family is pretty dysfunctional. Seriously. But they are closer to each other than MY family (who is fairly "normal" and functional) is. It was sort of an odd moment when I realized that.
I'd say that your MIL may fit into the mindset that I had prior to having that discussion with my husband. I "thought" we were close, but really... not as much as I thought. His crazy side is much, much, closer to each other (even I am, to them)... dysfunctional, and frustration inducing, but closer by far.
Don't worry about what your MIL (or anyone else, for that matter) thinks. You and your mom are comfortable and happy in your relationship. That's ALL that matters.
Really, don't give this another thought.
I suspect your MIL didn't know how to handle it, or quite what to say.
You and your mother might have a fine relationship. You just have a LOUD one. And someone else might indeed get the perception that the volume, as it were, indicates tension between you.
I know some people who yell when they talk to one another. Sometimes their shouting makes me feel like I'm a dog and want to slink out of the room with my tail between my legs. Those people really do love one another, though.
Don't be surprised if someone asks, "Do you all yell at one another all the time like that?" You'll have to say, "Yes, we do - we're a very noisy family, but we really do care for one another. It's happy noise, I promise you."
It doesn't matter what other people think as long as the people in your life
don't feel that way.
So if your mother doesn't feel like you were yelling at her, then disregard
what other people think.
Just let it go. Don't give it another thought.
Updated
It doesn't matter what other people think as long as the people in your life
don't feel that way.
So if your mother doesn't feel like you were yelling at her, then disregard
what other people think.
Just let it go. Don't give it another thought.
If you and your mother both agree that you have a good relationship, why does it matter so much to you what anyone else thinks? The conversation you had with your MIL sounds like it was really more about the relationship between the two of you. She was critical of the way you spoke to your mom, and you are bothered by it. It also sounds to me like she overstepped boundaries a bit when she kept going on about it after you explained.
But you also learned something important about your MIL. In her mind, loud equals disrespectful. So when you communicate with her from now on, you know that she needs interactions to be calm and quiet and a veneer of politeness. This will help you deal with her more effectively in the future.
I am from a loud family. My husband is from a quiet family. Early in our marriage, my poor hubby thought we were all shouting at each other when we got together for holidays. And I suppose we were, to his ears. We were also all enjoying ourselves. It took him awhile to figure us out. :-)
Totally agree with Patty K!! Please just disregard what your MIL said! You know and YOUR mother knows your relationship is great, who cares what your MIL thinks! Not every family functions the same.
The family my dad married into is loud. I thought they were yelling and mad at each other all the time!! Nope it is just the way the communicate.
The way they answer a simple question is in a voice I save for my angry mom voice...but they know that is how they communicate and it doesn't bother them.
It took me a while to figure out it was just the way they communicate and they all love love love each other and are very close.
So it is all in the style of communication you are used to...sending you a hug!!
Of course you care what your MIL thinks of you...I want my husband;s family to like me and if they thought something about me that wasn't true it would hurt my feelings as well. I would eventually get over it, BUT of course you care...
I don't assume things about the nature of other people's relationships based on the volume at which they speak to one another. My parent are still madly in ove with each other after 50 years of marriage, but my mom speaks very loudly and very slowly to my dad because he's hard of hearing and his hearing aid isn't much help. People who didn't know any better might assume she thought he was stupid.
Yeah, the older we get, the better our relationships, kids, parents and lifestyles! Lol! You sort of get this filter.
...I look forward to my filter..But I hope I never judge my loved ones by my imaginary family!
Hmmmmmm, I think perhaps your MIL jumped on this because she is actually insecure in her relationships. In finding something "bad", in her opinion, in your relationship with your mom, she can believe that she is a superior daughter and mother, therefore soothing her insecurity.
What matters is that you love your family and they know it. :) You all believe that you have a good relationship and that's good enough for me!
As for what I assume when I hear people interact, I only assume that it's a bad relationship if abusive or disrespectful language or behavior is used.
I know how this is upsetting to have people make judgements about you that you feel are wrong. I have had it happen to me and it usually bothers me for a long time. But ultimately you can not control what other people think about you nor should you try to. It takes too much energy to do this and can end up making you feel like a pretzel as you contort yourself into the shape others want you do be in.
When someone says something like this I do take a moment to be reflective which I think you have and decide if I need to work on something. Sounds like you need to work on what is going on with your daughter more than anything. She should not be taking this opportunity when you are away and your poor mother is in charge to be trying to take advantage and show how irresponsible she can be. SHE is the one that you need to be angry with and she needs a BIG consequence so that she thinks twice about ever pulling this again. Do not let your MIL comments get you off track from that.
If she mentions it again I think I would say that it is wrong for her to assume that someone has a "bad" relationship just because they are working through a conflict of some sort. Tell her that you and your mother's relationship is real and can handle all the ups and downs of real life. Say if you want to judge our relationship you can, but you would be wrong if you think we are not very close and then move on.
Honestly, I could care less about the relationships between other people. Most of the time I'm trying to keep my own relationships in tact and alright. It truly doesn't matter much what your MIL thinks you and your mom know what it truly is. Where it may matter is when you have to interact with your MIL.
Please shake yourself loose of her opinions of your relationship with your mom. If she has any further comments about it, give her your mom's number and they can talk it out. LOL.
My mom would always tell me what her relationship was like with her mom but she wasn't my like my grandmother and I'm not like her so naturally we wouldn't have the same kind of relationship. Eventually she learned to love me for me and I learned to love her for her and it all worked out.
I hope this helps.
I would never say anything to you or to anyone else about your relationship with your mother if I overheard that conversation. Since you are asking about yelling on the phone (or anywhere else), I do tend to think that people may have challenging relationships if they are yelling at each other, but I also know that I do not know the whole story. We aren't "yellers" in our family. We simply don't yell. Because of that I tend to think something is wrong when I hear others yelling, but I know that is not always the case. I do agree with others, though. If you and your mom are secure in your relationship, then don't worry about what your MIL says.
