Does This Happen in Your Family?

Wow. I think I'd tell my mom to stop giving us gifts.

This stuff bear is a great opening to a honest conversation, especially since you are legitimately upset over not being able to find it.

from now on when she gives you gifts, ask her whether or not it's okay with her if you end up doing something else with it down the road. if she bridles, thank her and give it back.
okay, that's a little extreme. find a gentler way to have a conversational version of that scenario.
khairete
S.

Wow no..thank goodness.

I would mention this to your mom from your perspective. "Mom I appreciate. The gifts you give all of us, but it is starting to stress me out."

"I feel guilty that if something gets broken or it is not out where you can see it, that it upsets you, maybe it would be better to just not give us ant more gifts, because we cannot promise how long we will use anything and we do not want to disappoint you."

Also let her know you understand where this all comes from, but in reality, this is. Not considered,, normal. Most people give gifts with no strings attached.

Just be honest.. You do love her.. I certainly hope she does not do this to everyone...yikes.. Socially awkward...

You've been conditioned to fear displeasing your mother. You're an adult now, and it's perfectly acceptable to throw away broken things. It's even acceptable to give away unacceptable or unwanted gifts, or to refuse them in the first place.

It's acceptable to set boundaries with your mother. I would say that your husband is correct here and you have to establish some boundaries with your mother, starting with stopping her from searching through your home obsessively for objects that she wants to find for whatever reason. She doesn't have the right to do that. She can ASK if you have the item and are using it, and ought to be satisfied with your response no matter what it is.

"Yes, Mom, we have it and use it. No, Mom. You may not go search for it."

"No, Mom. It broke and was irreparable so I threw it away. I'm sorry if that upsets you. What? I realize you spent money on it. You don't have to buy us so many things. Stop spending so much money, then."

"Mom, I'm not sure where it is right now. We just finished moving so there are still a lot of things that are packed. No, you can't go look for it. Because it's my house, that's why. If it's lost, then it's lost. Yes, Mom, I understand the history but that doesn't change things."

"Okay, Mom? You're here for a visit with us. You can't go searching my home for things any more. That's done. Either spend time with us here or you'll temp me to have to pack you up to leave."

Distract her. Instead of meeting at your home, meeting elsewhere from now on too. Meet at a restaurant or her home until she figures out that she's not welcome to search your home. She's a guest in your home, but she's completely overstepping. You may get to where you can't be so subtle or polite either. You may very well have to tell her straight out that she's overstepping, being impolite, and is no longer allowed to ransack your home looking for things or asking you about "stuff" that's been given as gifts.

BookWorm-

Um, no, I think most parents/folks/families I know are most certainly not like this. A gift is a gift. The giver chooses the gift and the recipient chooses how/if they want to use it. It sounds like your mom has a huge issue with boundaries and perceiving you as a competent and capable adult.

In short, yes, she is overstepping. I can understand your husband's frustration with this-- you are stressed because you can't find a stuffed animal and I'm sure he hates seeing you like this. I'm sure he also hates having to hear your mom boss you around via 'gifts'. These aren't gifts, they seem to be tiny power grabs into your life.

I hope you get to the point where you can tell your mom (without fear, because you shouldn't be steeling yourself for repercussions) "You know, I did look for it and couldn't find it. It must have gotten lost in the move. What a bummer." without feeling like you're going to suffer some consequence or lecture.

I'll also say this: sometimes the things that we feel obligated to keep and care for aren't what we really need. Sometimes parents place a very selfish burden on their children when they expect them to care for a 'family treasure'. My MIL and FIL send my son some very nice things, but frankly, some of them I could completely live without.

You have your own home and your own children. It's time to stop being held hostage by a domineering mother. Figure out what your fears are. What could happen if someone finds out you don't have something? She gets angry? So what? That's on her. She stops visiting? Excellent - less stress. She stops buying you things? Even better.

You need to set up boundaries. Mom, this is my home and these are my children. My husband and I decide together how sleeping gets done, and the baby has his own ideas which we cannot control. We decide what toys and accessories are important and appropriate. I appreciate your generosity but that doesn't mean that every gift you give will work out. It also doesn't mean that you get to snoop through the house. If you come to visit us and spend time with the kids and get to know them, great. If you come to do a search-and-seizure maneuver followed by an interrogation, it's going to get in the way of our relationship and the relationship you form with your grandchildren, and we will be issuing fewer invitations. Ask her point blank if she wants family love to be based on economics and possessions, or on time spent on the floor with the grandkids getting to know them and what they are like.

Going forward, you take every single gift that your family gives you and you decide whether to use it. What you don't use gets put in a big plastic bin and put in the attic. When they come to visit, you get out the bin and put a few things on the shelves. In the short run, admit that you cannot find the bear and that you are upset about it, and ask her forgiveness. Don't make excuses about how busy you are or how chaotic things are when you worry about everything they've given you. If you think you might have misplaced the bear in trying to protect it since Grandma made it, say so. Otherwise, maybe you can engage them in a conversation about what it was like when you were little: did Mom worry about Grandma's reaction, did Grandma snoop through the house and stress out Mom, did Grandma quote prices to Mom and how did that work out, did Grandma go through the same thing with her mom? See if you can find common ground in all being or having been moms learning to deal with individual children's preferences, idiosyncrasies, and patterns.

If you can't find common ground, agree to disagree. You are an adult now. Your mother raised you the best she could. Her job with you is done now. See if you can get her to see you as an adult and not a child she needs to follow up on.

Wow. If you are terrified of anything in regards to your mother, you have a really dysfunctional dynamic going between you two.

You need to stop allowing her to give you ANYTHING. Tell her that you are tired of having lectures about where things are and why you don't use them. A gift is supposed to be a gift, and she's using "things" as sledgehammers in your relationship.

If you cannot do this, you need to go to a therapist to help you learn how to create boundaries in your relationship with your mother. Your husband is right, and you obviously need help learning how...

Yes, my mom is also like this. She is sentimentally attached to things in life and I am not. If an old object is all moldy or damaged and we don't use it, I get rid of it. She keeps things forever bc of how much they mean to her. She likes to pass down things to me, that I do not want. Some I will keep just to be nice to her and some I get rid of. I got rid of something useless once that meant a lot to her and she is still horribly upset about it. She did not speak to me for a while she was so upset. She also does this with gifts she gives the kids. It's very annoying. No, I am not going to keep every single thing. This is why her house is packed with stuff and my house is not. Tell your mom that if she wants to give a gift to you or the kids that it is unconditional. Tell her at some point it will get passed on to someone else, the kids will outgrow it, or tire of it, or it will break. Tell her you do not appreciate her "checking in" on the things she gave you and to please stop doing it. Tell her you would rather she did not give you stuff anymore if she is going to do that bc 1. it makes you feel bad when it should not and 2. the gift is yours to do with as you wish. If she cannot stop this habit, start doing it back to her! Give her something awful and expect her to display it in her house. Ask about it every time you go over and act hurt and angry. Ha! Or, just get a thicker skin when dealing with her. Stand up to her and don't feel bad...don't let her make you feel bad.

I feel your pain but my mom is dead now so I don't have to worry so much. BUT I still look for certain items and that clawing fear that it's missing still hits me sometimes.

I don't miss my mom at all and some of those items I threw away as soon as I could. A few others I still have.

It's really really really hard! I try to not do this to my daughter too. We bought my grandson a riding toy that hooks up to the TV and does stuff while they were here a couple of weeks ago. She didn't even try to take it home with her. Her kids that I am raising are in elementary school and way too big for this toy for a 2-3 year old child. I didn't say a word. I plan on next time she comes up playing with the little guy so he will learn how to play it and then she can see how fun it is for him. I'll suggest that if she want's to take it home with her that she can. If she doesn't then I'll keep it here for him to use if he wants to when they come visit.

It's anxiety. It needs to stop. I might say, if I were too stressed, so mom, next time I'll shrink wrap it when you give it to me so it will be preserved!
You could tell her that her gifts come with too many strings. It stresses you out to be worried about things so much that you can care for people.

You admit that when it comes to things, you are going to love people, use things, not love things, use people.

It may or may not stop, when you express your feelings to her based on how well she can control her anxiety. That's when you set boundaries that enable her to work with you and protects you emotionally.

You could tell her that her anxiety over these things will limit what you accept from her. And mean it. And refuse something on that basis, so she knows you mean it. It's going to be hard on both of you but it will work.
Let her own her own problem. She's a big girl. She can change this by changing her behavior but you may have to force this change. You are being loving by giving her this opportunity to be a better mom and grandma.

Boundaries need to be set. I am with your husband on this one, because my in-laws are like this...and it took my husband at least 8 years of marriage before he started to see it as odd...and now annoying.

Gifts are not gifts if there are stings/obligations attached. She has no right to check up on stuff that she has given you.

My parents (now deceased) were a little bit like this, but I think it was because they grew up during the great depression. The people I know who lived through the depression tend to place a higher value on material things because they know what it is like to go without things and can't stand to see things wasted. They just wanted to be reassured that the things they bought were being used and looked after. If you understand her underlying reasons for her behaviour then perhaps you will be able to empathise and handle her better.

If she mentions it say, "We moved and I am not sure where it is." If she/they get upset say, "It does not mean we do not appreciate the gift. It means it is not currently in my hands."

If she berates you about gifts, start declining them. Or put out a pre-emptive strike before the next occasion. "Mom, your need to make sure that gifts are used just so is harming our relationship. If you absolutely need to control these items, then you need to keep them so that you know where they are, how they are used, etc. If you bring them here and give them to me, you cannot check up on them as I will use them how I see fit and how they meet my family's needs."

Often, we grow up with behaviors that we are somewhat immune to, but our spouses shine a hard light on them later. Does your mother equate love with gifts? If so, perhaps she can be redirected. My mom always brings stuff, but we have no room for big items. I've 'tasked' (for lack of a better word) her with buying DD's clothes. She has a resource that has quality items for very very cheap. I tell her DD's size and needs and a couple of times a year she arrives with a bag for DD. It really helps me out and it makes my mom happy.

And, no, nobody checks on gifts. They like to see that the gifts are used/appreciated (my ILs bought us the lifetime crib we picked out), but they don't quiz us and take inventory.

Nope. Doesn't happen.

My grandmother used to make stuff for the boys - they would send thank you notes and that would be that. She and my mother have made beautiful quilts for the boys. THEY talk about them when they are on the phone with them.

I'm sorry this is happening in YOUR home. I think I would tell my mom to butt out. I'm an adult. If she doesn't like what we do with the items she GIVES us (not loans us), then she can stop giving us stuff. Things break. Stuff happens. Kids outgrow items. GET OVER IT.

Yes, unfortunately I have this issue with both my sister and mother! Here's are just a few examples ~

My 31-yr old sister went on a trip right after her high school graduation 10+ years ago and she bought my husband and I a tree swing which we loved but did not and still do not use because the trees in our yard just wouldn't work (either too small or too large). If we could use it we would happily do so! She still brings up that tree swing and how much she paid for it and she wish she would have known we wouldn't use it, will never get us another souvenir, etc, etc, etc. I no longer feel guilty and just remind her we'd love to use it if we could! I haven't told her but we actually still have it in hopes to use it if we ever move!

My mom is the worst with this though as she will guilt us about anything she's given us! My daughters are 8 & 4 and since our family is complete we recently had a garage sale and sold most of our baby clothing and toys. My mom was over a few times during our garage sale and just kept commenting how she remembers buying this or that and how she's sad we're getting rid of it, we should be keeping some of the stuff for our grandchildren, and so I told her that our family is complete and we no longer have the need for any of the baby items so we are passing them on to be used by others but if she really wants us to keep them she can take them home and store them! She then started keeping those comments to herself =)

I have many, many issues with my family members and have found that therapy has done wonders! Good Luck!

My parents don't do this. My in-laws don't do this. I don't know anyone who does this. Your mom seems a bit off. I would (1) confront her about it; (2) make sure her gifts are around the house when she comes over; or (3) decline to accept her gifts. Your course of action depends on your mom's personality and what you believe will be most effective.

Nah, my mom was worse than that. Hopefully your mom is nice about it, even though she checks up on things.

Neither my Mother, nor my in-laws do this.

My in-laws are insanely generous & have given us SO much.

~Honesty is always the best policy. I'm sorry you can't find the bear, that would be sad if it didn't make the move with you guys. :(

Yes! I could have written this question! My mom has gotten better, but she still does this. My kids sound like they are older than yours, so my mom has had many years to realize that not all gifts are kept forever. Many times I have had to explain to her that we are only able to keep a few very special items in a keepsake box for each kid. The other day she saw the boxes in the garage and started asking me questions about what I am saving for them. She is very concerned I might not have certain outfits, books, etc. It's kind of sad that she is so worried about it. Maybe I should ask her if she'd like to start her own keepsake Grandma box at her house or something. She seems so worried that we aren't saving the right objects. Anyway, I feel your pain. ;) Just let her know you'll look for the bear and you are sure you packed it when you moved.