Does It Get Easier?

Updated on September 29, 2008
K.S. asks from Redmond, WA
7 answers

Hi Moms,

I am not even sure how to begin this request. I have been married to my husband a little over 2 years and everything possible that could happen to destroy our marriage has happened. There have been all kinds of issues which I won't get into too much. The real point is we learned and grew from them until recently. I'm not sure what is going on, but it seems like a lot of back tracking. Truthfully, I am writing this request to ask the spiritual moms to pray for our marriage and ALL marriages that they will be strengthened. I believe marriages are under attack right now. I look at the world and what is going on, and it is impossible not to be affected be it compassionate or angry. Seriously, choose your emotion. I do believe there is a plan. I know my husband and I both are way too hard on ourselves. We have been at each other, and not as forgiving and loving as we need to be. My biggest fear is that our daughter will react to it. At almost 3 she is so aware of everything. Pray please for God to shield her from this mess that comes about from time to time. Marriage is very rewarding, but also the toughest commitment and covenant that I have ever even tried to encounter and work through. Thank you in advance for the encouragement and prayers. We were trying for more, but took a break because as you have heard life is a tad stressful right now.

Many Blessings,

Katherine

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J.C.

answers from Seattle on

Yes, dear heart - it does get easier. You and your family are certainly in my daily prayers - and will continue so. Make a project -- a to do list to tell your husband, your little girl, and God - daily- a new and different ( from yesaterday) thing about them you are so grateful for. Daily-.
And don't forget to 'thank' - the lady in the mirror-- you need to hear yourself say '' wow- I did that really well''. Doesn't matter if it's frosting a cupcake, wiping up a mess fast - or praising a little girls' kindness.
( and don't forget to '''treat'''' yourself to a salad, a smoothie - something delicious and healthy)

We do not walk alone -
Blessings,
J.

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T.H.

answers from Seattle on

I will definately keep you in my prayers! It is so easy to take it out on the ones we love during times of stress. And if there was ever a time of stress in our world it is now. I try to remember that Jesus taught compassion and forgiveness and I pray for God to help me love my husband the way he does and see my husband the way he does. It is very hard at times and if you ever need to chat or need a supportive boost let me know. T.

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A.G.

answers from Seattle on

What a courageous request! I think it is fantastic that you are working so hard, and also asking for help from the Lord and other women around you who can help. I hope and pray for the best for you, your husband, and your little girl. Stay close to the Lord and close to your husband, and things will look up eventually.

I have a friend who says, "Things will work out in the end. If it isn't working out right now, it's not the end."

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F.R.

answers from Seattle on

Katherine,

There's nothing wrong with arguing with your husband in front of your daughter. It teaches her that you can disagree with someone and still love them. Be sure though that she sees you work out the difference too. You don't have to sit her down to watch, but if you're having a diagreement while she's in the room playing, let her be in the room while you apologize. Learning how to fight with your spouse while you love them is very difficult. When she asks about you and Daddy with the angry voices, answer her honestly. You and Daddy don't agree on something, and that you're discussing it. You and Daddy still love each other and love her more than anything.

My husband and I have been married for 29 years and were finally blessed with a son 4 1/2 years ago. We've had some very rocky periods, and we're going through one now. But we do love each other and we refuse to allow our son to grow up in a broken home or where there's no love or respect between his parents.

God is with you, belive in your faith in Him. Trust your love.

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J.S.

answers from Seattle on

Hi Katherine-
It sounds like you already know that marriage is a commitment that you work at keeping, not just a period of a relationship that comes and goes based on your feelings at the time. One of the problems with most marriages is that they are not looked at as a gift from God, rather people think it's just a secular arrangement set up for tax benefits or something!
But God gave Eve to Adam because it was no good for him to be alone! He's told men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands because he created women with the need for love and security and men with the need to feel valued and respected. Show your husband that you respect him and what he does and ask him to show his love for you in specific ways.
Make sure that you and your husband do spend time in the Word together because your marriage will not only heal, but thrive when God is at the center!

I will pray for you!
js

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D.D.

answers from Seattle on

One of the main reasons for life getting more difficult is people are becoming more and more "what's in it for me" and less and less "What does God think". they have lost the values of self-sacrifice and hard work and love, and giving to others. The Christian faith has disintegrated as well quite a bit. It is a mere shadow of what it used to be. That makes finding your faith strong in these times almost impossible.

Life is not easy and marriage is plain HARD. Marriage takes two independent people and turns them into one. This process can be very painful and very difficult. In the Orthodox Christian Faith (Think Greek & Russian Orthodox), marriage is seen as a type of martyrdom. We submit our wills and our desires to someone else. In the middle east, people are not seen as individuals as much as being a part of something. A part of society, a part of a greater common good. God uses this to strengthen us and to help us become better people. It seems to be a spiritual law that people left all by themselves become more self-centered than those who don't. God created family and marriage - not to make life easier - believe it or not - but to put us together in relationships with others who are as imperfect as ourselves. By doing so, we become less self-centered (I was HORRIBLY self-centered in my 20s) and to learn to serve others, to submit to authority, to learn to give, to see ourselves as we really are.

Praise God you are choosing to stay married in spite of all of the difficulties. I have now been married 2x - the first time 8 years, and now 15. The marriage does get better as you get older - IF you both don't give up and continue to work on it. You have to overlook a lot and forgive a lot. The biggest thing is to work on YOURSELF. Make yourself a better person. Slowly the marriage will become better. Luckily in our church we have confession where there is a bunch of healing from various issues, and helps to really calm the waters. I don't know what I would do without our church. I can't count on two hands and feet the miracles and healings that have happened.

Without confession, I would still have a lot of guilt that would be gripping me. Once you are absolved, it's AMAZING the freedom you feel afterwards. Maybe you guys should check out an English speaking Orthodox Church. (Yes they exist) - in fact, St. Katherine's is near you www.stkatherine.org. this church is English speaking and has wonderful people in it. I go to St. Thomas in Snohomish, myself. The Orthodox Christian church is the only church that hasn't changed in 2000 years. Our tenets are still the same as they were before during and after the ecumenical councils.

When you are in crisis like with a marriage, it really helps to pull people together that will help you - whether that marriage needs to stay together or be absolved. It helps having a spiritual father that has integrity and honesty that can help you sort things out. In our church our priest is married and has 4 children. He is full of honesty and integrity and would sooner hurt himself than someone else.

These are dangerous times not because of physical dangers - they have always existed - but because of spiritual confusion. A lot of groups are calling themselves churches that aren't really and are just as confused as the rest of the population. I challenge you to try something new for your faith and your life. You'll be glad you did.
It's very hard to do this alone. I encourage you to find a spiritual father or friend you can confide in that will be able to see the situation evenly from both sides. However, that is hard to do without a strong spiritual base. In my ex-marriage I received a lot of BAD advice and my ex was able to deceive everyone into thinking everyone was at fault except for him, until the end when I ratted him out. I received bad counseling from "pastors" and ended up hospitalized for depression. They didn't see things properly and it caused a lot of damage.

I will pray for you.

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T.B.

answers from Seattle on

Katherine,
I don't think it ever gets easier. Remember when you were growing up how hard it was to be at home with your family... how much they got on your nerves... how much you wanted to be on your own? It's hard to live in a house with a family. There are so many demands. So many pressures. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are in this for the long haul, and many times disagreements will come up and you will feel like you can never get past them, but they fade and then you remember why you are with your husband. It's hard to have a relationship and a young child... talk with your husband. Have a night away, if you can... if not then have a night away at home after you put your DD to bed. Talk to your husband. Remind him that you love him. Get counselling if necessary. I have found couneslling to be very helpful... not couples therapy, but just therapy for myself, because my insurance won't cover couples therapy.
Anyway, I hope my words will help you realize that you are not alone, and I hope I have not babbled too much.
Take care. I will pray for your happiness and fulfillment in your relationship.
Love
T.

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