Do You Tell Someone You Think Something Might Be Wrong with Their Child?

It seems everyone agrees that you should not tell the mom that you noticed something AFTER the evaluation. But I think you are asking how you might mention something to another mother if you notice something. You might comment something like, "Boy is so cute, but he is very quiet. Is he shy?" At another time you might say, "Boy is so serious, he doesnt smile very much does he?" Just make of hand comments that might alert the mother without coming flat out and suggesting anything is wrong. But most moms compare their children to others and suspect there might be a problem, but are avoiding getting a diagnosis.
Personally I feel there is an alarming increase in DIAGNOSING children with the "Autism SPECTRUM". Im 68 years old and years ago a child had to be completely withdrawn to be called autistic. Now it seems any child that is the slightest bit shy or speech delayed is plopped on the "spectrum." I imagine Bill Gates would have been labelled very quickly. Also any kid with boundless energy is ADHD and put on meds. Imagine where Shaun White would be today on Ritalin.
But thats my personal soap box, so Im jumping down now and wishing you blessings for being such a caring friend.

Do not tell her you suspected it and did nothing. Just offer whatever to support her in whatever she needs. Don't exclude the two of them from the normal activities you used to do.

No.
you telling her that you noticed something "wrong" with her child from a year AGO, is not going to help or make her feel better.
Don't go there.
Then she will feel like a "bad" Mommy....

Just give her unbiased support, if she asks and if you are GOOD friends. If you are just "friends" and not close.... then let it be. The Doctor is the expert here and she is the Mom. It is a private matter.

Hi. I'm a Mom of a child on the spectrum. After we announced what was going to the family, I found out that my brother's Mother in Law made a comment to my brother about a significant developmental observation after she had spent an afternoon with us. To this day, I am furious that my brother, SIL or her Mom didn't tell me about the observation. It wouldn't have changed our path...but it would have given me a hint of a head's-up before things became totally obvious. Nevertheless, I am very lucky that we sought the appropriate intervention about as early as we could. But I'm still pissed-off to this day.

I think it's important to note that my brother's MIL is an early childhood teacher and I respect her very much. She would have been a credible source of information to me and I would have trusted her observation as objective. But, if one or two of my friends with toddlers would have said something...well, I'm not so sure I would have appreciated the comment. Sometimes Moms can be competitive and I don't believe I would have found the comment objective -- I would have felt they were simply comparing my child to theirs (and how mine was behind theirs). It's really hard to say how I would have reacted -- whether it would have influenced my path. But my gut is, no, depending upon which friend it came from.

As for the "should I have told her," I can't answer that. I really depends upon how credible and objective she would have found you. How close you are to her. If you've been competitive with each other before. If you've shared very, very personal information with each other in the past. So many tiny variables make this impossible to predict.

Hope this helps. By the way, I think it's terrific that you are even wondering about this. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful shoulder to lean upon for your friend.

Definitely not - unless asked, then you can share your opinion. You did the right thing!

Nope--I think you were right to leave it to the parents and the doctors to figure it out. Sounds like they are doing everything right.

We have a child on the Autistic Spectrum who was labeled at the age of 2 1/2 also. We started with an early intervention program with her almost immediately. She has come a long way from where she was. She is now 10. The key we found with our own daughter was the early education with her. She still receives speech and a form of special classes. I found that people that listened were the most encouraging to me. It was not an easy transition as we came to realize that our child was not going to grow up "typically" like other children. Time, educating myself, and talking to parents with an autistic child was the most helpful in the early years of our daughters Autistic Spectrum label; as well as realizing that God has created each child different and special in His own way.

Hind sight is always 20-20, but still, I wouldn't feel bad for not saying anything. Also, you could have said something, but she could have chosen to ignore you. It sounds like the mom will be sending her son to the experts, so I think they're in good hands. Better to stand by the side in case the mom needs support.

Nope

For ME i DON'T unless
a) they ask
b) I'm teaching their child ... and then it's not a telling but a q... as in "have you noticed?"
c) it's a maybe adhd thing, which is EXCITING, as opposed to wrong... because there are so few of us really out there, and it's an amazing gift.

Completely agree with the other moms. The child appears to be well-cared for and in good hands with the pediatrician. Autism is generally hard to detect before 18 months anyhow, and I suspect the Pediatrician would have caught onto the tell-tale symptoms at the office visits.

The only time I think it would be appropriate is if you have a very close, deep relationship with that person. But, I guess the best rule of thumb is whether or not you'd want someone to say something to you about your child.

The best thing to do now is to support the family as they go through the tests and learn about his (possible) condition. Because Autism is comprised of so many different disorders and presents completely differently in each child, time will tell how the family will be affected.

You are an awesome person for even asking your question. Everyone in life does the best they can at any given moment, given the person they were at the time, and the information they had at the time. You did the best thing you could at the time. You cannot know how the family would have taken your input/advice at the time. They might have in defense not done anything even now out of embarassment or fear...
HTH

In this case with autism and the way it sounds like she is a dilligent parent, and also taking into account your relationship (what it seems like to me from what you have said), I don't think you were wrong to not mention it. It is tempting sometimes, but unless you have personal experience or a background that makes you more knowledgeable that the average person, it really isn't your place. If you do have educated insight and a close enough relationship then maybe you can say something. But in all likelyhood, the doctors already saw these things and all they are going to do is watch and wait until he is about the age he is now. There wouldn't be intervention at age 1, so all you would have done is worry her. Now if it is an illness that needs to be addressed in a timely manner, that is something different. I would be furious if I didn't realize something about my child and someone else noticed but didn't say anything and it caused lasting damage.

My best friend has a nephew that has some definite autistic tendencies. I visited her one time while he was there, and when the family left I asked her what was going on with him. He was almost 4 at the time and it was very apparent to me that there was something going on. She immediately said "You see it too?!" Her family had been trying to intervene on the child's behalf for some time, but his parents just didn't want to hear it. They were doing a major disservice to thier child who seemed to be about 1 1/2 or 2 yrs old development-wise. To this day, they have done nothing about his problems, and he just started school. At this point the school will have to intervene and get him the help he needs, and that is a shame. In a case like that where I am close enough to have a place to say something, I probably would. And then all you can is hope they receive it well and don't get angry at you.

Hi Elaina,
I haven't read the responses that you've gotten, but I'll tell you this much. It's better that you didn't say anything to the mother and I'll tell you why. When my first born was 5 and started kinder the teacher approached me and told me that she wanted to have him tested because of his speech. I told her to go ahead and do what she needed to do. I knew that something was wrong with his speech. But the teacher gave me a hug, a kiss, and trillion thanks! She said, "you just don't know how many parents refuse to do this, because they don't want anything to be wrong with their child" "they think special ed is a curse, and they won't allow us to give their child the help needed"
Having said that, imagine if you tell a parent something like that "something is wrong with your child" or even the word "autism" when you are not even an expert or a doctor! I think the fact that it was caught now is very good. That little boy will be able to get the help he needs from now on. All I would recommend for you to do is to pray for them and physically be there if they need you. Prayer can move mountains! I've seen it done! So girl, pray! pray for the parents, pray for the little boy, pray for the physicians taking care of him and for the therapists that will help him.
And if you ever come up with something like that again, pray for wisdom on what to do. Unless you know the family and have a very close relationship with them, is best not to say anything (of course unless you feel in your heart that God wants you to intervene, but in that case He will give you the wisdom and ability to do it without hurting anyone).

Unsolicited advice is just that....so it is best you didn't say anything. Now, you and your sister can be a support for this mom without any hard feelings that may have come from an initial conversation.

I am SURE the mom knew in the back of her head that her little guy may have been having issues with his development and having others pipe in with their thoughts (espcially from those who aren't experts) can be very hard to deal with.

i was told once by a woman who i had little contact with (belonged to same mama group) something about my child. i went and got her checked her about 'that problem' and got a clean bill of health. i was neither upset or happy about it. i worried until the appt date and then i breathed relieved that nothing was wrong.
autism is a different kind of thing. specialists and maybe even pediatricians can spot the symptoms. and they will. with all the well-check ups we take our kids to they will detect it if the child is autistic. my opinion is no you should have not said anything. it is not something that you give a dose of antibiotics and have it fixed. is a lifetime commitment.

Dear Elaina, This is a very sticky subject and many times met with anger or denial from the mom (or parents). I am happy to hear that the child will now be evaluated and receive services. I guess in your situation I also would have been afraid to approach the subject. I would have prayed. There is so much going around about the possible connection between the MMR vaccine and Autism. You may want to look into this for the future and thank God your children are OK. We can't be too careful with our precious little gifts. Grandma Mary

As Mom L K observes, that probably depends on how close and trusting your relationship is. In many cases, unrequested advice can create ill will and damage a relationship, especially if it is difficult advice to hear.

But if you have experience that makes you fairly certain that a problem exists, you might find a quiet time to tell a friend something like: "Sue, I have a growing concern about your child that I feel confused about. I honestly don't know whether I should say anything, and I certainly don't want to cause you any upset or to risk our friendship. But it feels a little cowardly of me to just stay silent. Will you allow me to share my observation?"

When you express your own doubt and ambiguity so honestly, it will be easier for the other mom to listen. If she chooses not to, let it go.

I would say it's best not to say anything. Our son was dgx when he was 1.5 y/o. As an educator, I knew something was off(delayed speech/social skills); he is on the spectrum, but I'm sure family and church family knew something was "off" but they said nothing--they loved on him and probably prayed for us. When I was ready I shared the information with them, they said "Oh, I noticed that too." Just pray and love on the boy as if he were your own. It's not easy for parents to find out that their child is on the spectrum. . . However, with therapy, I'm happy to say our son has grown leaps and bounds! Praise God!

After I admitted to my family that my son was diagnosed with aspergers, my cousin's wife whose kid is on the sprectrum told me that she knew and was not surprised. For 2 years I tried to understand what was wrong with my kid and she knew and never shared with me. I don't think you should use the term autism (leave that to the doctor), but it would have been nice if someone would have told me that they noticed these characteristics about my kid and here is how you to determine if this is an indication of something bigger.

I asked my peditrician over and over and he told me to wait it out. It was not until a caregiver told me what characteristics he saw and that ECI could help me. No one had ever mentioned ECI to me. I called my peditrician and he confirmed that if I was insistent with pursueing this ECI and a pediatric neurologist would be my options. I took that route.

Since the time has passed, I would not let the mom know you saw something, but in the future, I think it is ok to tell someone close to you what you see, only if you can tell them what options they have to determine if there is a problem. Talk to your peditrician is not good enough. Moms need to know how to get their kids tested. Letting them know that is a good friend.

You've already received enough answers to confirm what you probably already know, there is no reason to mention to her that you suspected earlier. It won't change anything, it won't benefit the child in any form at this point. It would only create a pause in your relationship with the mommy as she is in desperate need of support right now, not "I thougt so's".

I screamed out in anger (in privacy, thank goodness) when I was told by my son's pre-school that there may be something wrong with him.
I still get tears in my eyes when I think of that time...
Tell me I'm broke.
Tell me I'm fired.
Tell me you don't want to be my friend anymore...
But for Godsake don't tell me that my child isn't okay. Those are painful Painful words. And to hear them in a retrospective fashion from someone that should be a member of your support system is even more painful.

Ignore the fact that you saw signs. In all honesty I saw signs too, I just didn't recognize (or chose not to) them. Your role should is a supporter now. Embrace it.

The fact that he is 2.5 years and he is already diagnosed is fantastic. He will receive wonderful therapies and will begin his new life. Be there for mom, be there for him. Should your "guilt" lead you to be more involved than you would have normally been than maybe that's why God directed you to make your observations.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason...

You sound like you truly love this mommy and love this child. She is lucky to have you in her life.
So many friends fall away because they don't know what to say, or don't know how to react when faced with a "special" child.

Best,
C.

In regards to future instances I would tread lightly and avoid the word "autism", but bring up specific instances instead. I didn't know that my child was doing certain things until it was pointed out directly and to be honest I didn't have any basis of compairison (being a first time mom)... if you can find a way to not compare just 2 children, but rather an age group or a behavior than I would say it is appropriate. And disclose that you are not trying to be an expert, just that you are wondering if he/she has noticed...

Don't blame yourself. Autism is not usually diagnosed until around 2-2/12 anyway. The early intervention he will start now is great. At least now she knows and was told by the doctor. It's always hard to tell another mother that there may be something wrong with her child and you may have started something unintentionally even though you were sincerely trying to help. Good luck to you and her!

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Autism characteristics don't really define themselves until about 2y, so as for getting assitance, he isn't too far behind. Also, coming from a dr. she's more to accept the possible finding rather than coming from you.

It never is easy to tell someone that. I have a nephew that I believe has it. We finally approached the mom. She appeased all of use by saying she would make an evaluation appt. but to this day - 2y later, she still hasn't and its a very soar topic that everyone is afraid to bring back up.

Now that you know that the evaluation has been ordered, continue to be there for her by offering your support that way.
M.

Don't think it would be helpful to tell them now that you thought it months ago. What good would come from that? You never give advice that is not asked for. If however she had said, "do you see...?", that is when you tell what you see honestly.
She has gotten the right info now, and it is my opinion that you should support her in word and deed, and especially in prayer which I assume you were doing as soon as you suspected a problem.
I am sure also that you hoped you were wrong, and so disappointed you were right, but God knew that this family could handle this child with the loving support of their church family. Be that support
God bless you for caring.

Saying that you think something emotional/psychological is wrong with a kid is risking losing a friend or even estranging a sister. And, after it's diagnosed, saying "I always thought so..." is even worse. If it were a potentially life threatening, critical illness that would be different, you would have a moral obligation to speak your fears, but autism doesn't meet that litmus test.

No. It's not your place. They will figure it out. :)

It sounds like there are two things going on. One, you are feeling guilty. Let it go. Two, how do we interact with her now that she has the diagnosis. She needs encouragement, love, support. I have a child with Down Syndrome. There is a deep feeling of being different as a parent. Will people invite him over to play?

What I have found helpful is to (1) not pretend there is no elephant in the room. Ask questions honestly when you have them. (2) Do no pity her. You will have challenges with your kids sooner or later. (3) Invite her son over for play dates. First invite him over. Then when you have secured the time and date, be forthright: "I am sorry to sound stupid. I want Jimmy to have a good time at our home. Are there things he especially likes? And are there things that upset him that would be helpful for me to know about?" (4) At the end of the playdate, as long as it wasn't a total disaster (it doesn't sound like he acts out, so all should be easy enough), be enthusiastic about it.

There is a fantastic ministry here for the church, too. It is not a question of 'if' we can include him in the regular ministry of the church, but how. Families of children with special needs are so isolated, stressed, frazzled; they really need to be reached out to and loved. One huge blessing is to give respite care for the family. Offer to watch the kids so parents can go out to dinner. And offer to watch just the special needs child so that the parents and other children can enjoy some stress free time together. So often the special needs child gets more attention than the other kids - the non-special needs children need some carefree time off, too.

There is a church in the Washington DC area developing respite care, in case you want to research that.

God bless you for caring and wanting to learn. None of us is perfect; every day we fall down and get up again.

E.