So I have tears streaming down my face after reading this beautiful blog post (link in SWH) because it's exactly the way I feel right now. I'm 34, have a 4yo and 8mo and 2 angels in Heaven. I really, really thought after my youngest was born that I'd feel our family was complete and yet...I just don't know.
But I don't know WHAT I don't know...is this Ache because we should have another, or if I'm just grieving this stage of my life? Part of me felt so tired of being pregnant (4x in 5 years) and I'd be so happy to "get on with life" as a family of four when my daughter came, yet I started feeling this way even when she was just a few months old. What gives?!
My husband thinks I'm crazy. That's understandable, since he knows nothing of the experience of pregnancy, birth, BFing and the number of other emotional experiences that are scarred into our bodies and souls as moms. He made the point that, eventually, ALL the babies grow up so the "baby love" alone isn't really a great reason to just keep having more. =) He's right there, of course.
If I was a SAHM, I'd have 1-2 more in a heartbeat bc it wouldn't really change anything about our life. As it stands, I have a job I love that has really taken off with new opportunities, etc. Many times, I get to involve my kids in what I do. I'm off for holidays and summer (as is my husband). It feels perfect most of the time. You may have noticed the age gap in our kids. It wasn't planned that way, but it turned out to be perfect and I had no regrets. My oldest was well-established in his relationship with us and is a wonderful big brother and helper. I don't want to rush my daughter's babyhood by having another now, but waiting longer puts me over 35 and that concerns me (even though I know women do it every day). On the other hand, I'm used to the juggle, the no sleep, the balancing act...what's one more, right?
It was comforting to see in the comments that it didn't seem to matter how many kids someone had, the Ache was still there. So my question is: do/did you have it? How did you decide whether or not your family was complete?
Like I tell my own kids, you can't have everything you want.
Besides, babies and young children are wonderful and fun but tweens, teens and young adults? Not so much. They are difficult and EXPENSIVE. We are paying for two kids in college right now and it costs us over $60,000 per YEAR.
And we still have one in high school!
Think about THAT when you feel the "ache" :-(
I sometime wish I had one more, but realistically my husband was very smart to say 2 was enough. I just spent 2 days watching one kid play water polo while the other was home with dad wishing her mom was home with her. And now I am behind on all my chores at home while work still calls….
Don't know how people can remain sane with a job, home life, social life and more than 2 kids. With one in the first year of high school, we are busier than ever.
very few choices in life are unambiguous.
yearning for 100% satisfaction with any decision is just not sensible or mature. (well, we can 'yearn', but maybe 'expect' is a better word.)
many, many women love having babies, and experience 'the ache.'
intelligent women understand that aches and yearnings are a basis on which to start a thought and decision-making process, not a reason on which to base important decisions.
one decides whether or not one's family is complete on a series of family criteria, that no one else can select for you.
but not on 'the ache' alone.
khairete
S.
I have three kids. I can honestly say the ache is completely and totally gone. I can't imagine having any more and I certainly don't want any more. The ache was actually gone after the second one. My youngest was a complete mistake. I love her and am so very happy to have her and I can't imagine life without her now, but at the time, yeah, I felt my family was complete after two. I hated being pregnant, hated breastfeeding, didn't particularly enjoy the infant/baby stage (not that it was hard, just a bit boring for the most part). I'd say that every year the kids got older, things got better and I enjoyed my children more.
I adore babies and small children. Preferably in small 15min - 1/2 hour bursts, after which I can hand them back to their parents. I am SO VERY GLAD my kids are pre-teen/teenagers. I am loving this stage and I look forward to them becoming adults.
I have 3 kids. I can honestly say without any doubt that I no longer have any desire to have anymore children. If I were to find myself pregnant I would move on and we'd have 4 children but I have no desire at all to purposely add another child.
I am 43, my kids are almost 13, 10 and 4 going on 5. I feel very done. I've felt done for quite some time now.
I've had the ache. It did go away. I got too old for more babies and was going through divorce etc so there was no decision to make even though I so badly wished I had started younger and had a bigger family. I don't know if it passed because I consciously REPEATEDLY forced myself to breathe, be thankful, let it go, recite positives in my life etc. or if it simply passed with time and as my kids cleared toddlerhood I felt more at ease with letting the baby phase go...
It's hard. Sometimes you just have to feel sad a while. I do think that even if you have another, you'll have the ache for a while....but maybe not...worth a try? You never regret a new person in the family to love that's for sure if you have the resources. Then again, you may feel content in a couple of years with what you have if you just make the conscious effort.
As an aside, I had my last healthy child at 39 and at 43 I'm in the best shape of my life and don't feel like an old mom at all.
I have the ache. I'm trying my best to move past it, but I don't know if or when I will.
I have three kids 11, 8, 4. I also have one angel in heaven (my 4th pregnancy). I think having that miscarriage made the ache worse. I was able to dream for 8 weeks of having 4 kids, and had everything all planned out in my head. It was hard to switch gears afterwards and I still feel like there is a missing piece. My husband does not want to have another. The 4th was a surprise pregnancy and I think he was half relieved when we lost it. He is happy to be past the baby stage and moving on with raising our kids. We are 38, and I was diagnosed with 2 health conditions this summer which would most likely make pregnancy very risky.
So, to answer your question, the matter has been decided for me by my husband, and my health. If it were completely up to me and I had no health concerns, I'd have another....maybe even more.
Best wishes to you!
I've never had 'the ache'. A couple years after marrying I went on a Romantic vacation to Burgundy and Paris. We had a good time drinking great wine and decided why not try? A couple days later we thought it over and quickly started using contraception again.... too late! It was the best thing to happen-ever. But no ache :)
