When Do You Know You Are Absolutely Done with Having Children?

If you are feeling that now at 35 it is going to be much stronger at 45 when the window is pretty much closed. I never thought I wanted more than 2 but now I do and it is too late to do anything about it.

I just had my second and am positively DONE having children.

I hate pregnancy. Period. Every step of it. I find none of it magical or cool. I'm miserable for 9 (really, 11, counting recovery) months.
So I knew before we even tried for #2 that I was not having any more. DH had to convince me to even have a second.
I WILL miss having a cuddly little bundle to snuggle (DS is 2 mos now), but not enough to have another.
So for some women, I think they just know.

I can't relate as I don't miss being pregnant or having a baby to tend to constantly :) but if you do, I believe some hospitals have programs where they need people to come in and hold babies who were born addicted to drugs or maybe also babies who don't have an attentive mother at the moment. I always thought that would be a nice thing to do. Maybe it would help your itch and you'd know you were doing a wonderful thing for a child. I think most people love a little baby in their arms but I'm so practical I think about the impact of all these children on the environment, what it costs to raise a child with enough advantages they will have a good shot at making a decent living when they're older, and all these babies grow up and sometimes despite great parenting, turn into not great adults. The percentage of someone's life as a small child is pretty small. And it's a hard world. Is it fair to keep bringing kids into it because someone loves babies? I always take the view that no one asks to be born. It's our decision so it'd better be well thought out.

For me, we just knew that our third was it. She wasn't planned, so after she was born, husband got a vasectomy.

Now that my kids are all in school, I have absolutely no desire for another child. I hear babies cry and it makes me cringe. I'm so happy that I don't have to worry about bottles and diapers or potty training. I see harried mom's with babies and toddlers and I am so happy that it's not me. I get a full nights' sleep! Or if I'm up, it was my choice. I get to eat my meals warm! My kids understand what I tell them and they don't want my attention all of the time.

Everyone is different. Although it sounds like you don't want another baby - you want another pregnancy. Completely different things. You want the feeling without the mess. Understandable.

Good luck with your decision.

I think for some woman, the urge never goes away. I know woman in her late 50's, that thinks about being pregnant! She had the most wonderful pregnancies. She said she's had the feeling, since they stopped have children at 27. Her thinking, was....just becuase the urge is there, it doesn't mean your supposed to act on it. I'm not saying, that you shouldn't...but, it doesn't sound like you want to. I'm just saying an urge isn't proof, of needing more children. Some woman reminisce about pregnancy until their deaths. I would suggest babysitting newborns, volunteering to hold the babies in the NICU, something like that.

Do you have any neices, nephews, close friend's babies you can take for a weekend sleepover? Have a little baby over for the weekend (of course with your kids all there too) and see how you feel after you get up every couple hours for a couple days. You may be singing a completely different tune, or you may decide you can't wait to have more.

I think it's all in knowing yourself. Do you have a rough time emotionally moving from one chapter of life to another? I think anytime we realize a particular part of life has come to a close, there is a certain grieving process. Some of us may feel it more intensely than others. (I'm one of those)

That being said, I had my last child, #6, at 40. Before that, I still had that desire to have another. After, I felt totally DONE. The desire was gone and has never even remotely returned. He is 15 now and I know the world would not be the same without him!

Consider all your circumstances, such as, does hubby feel positive about a 4th, yours & his health, (physical and mental) how a 4th would affect the dynamics of the family, (positive & not so positive), family finances, etc.

Unless you have health issues, I wouldn't worry about being over 35. My midwife put it this way when I was pregnant with my son at 40...The percentage of birth defects does rise...about 1/2 of 1%. I had a 98.5% chance of having a baby with no difficulties, while my younger counter-parts had a 99% chance of the same. Put this way, I felt very relaxed.

\No matter what, you will be so close to 50 when the ones you have now are raised. A few years more wouldn't be a huge sacrifice if you decided your family needed that one more to be complete.

Hope I helped.

I will be 40 soon and my husband really wants a 4th child. I HATE being pregnant...every bit of it. I love my babies...not really other peoples' babies. But it isn't until about 6 months that I really feel bonded even to my own. I am just not maternal that way.
But now looking at my youngest, who just turned 4, I am willing to do it all again but he is just so cute and so much fun. I really love the stage from ages 2 - 5.
I have come up with so many excuses not to get pregnant even though I really wouldn't mind having a 4th child (after pregnancy and the first year, mind you). Now 4 years have gone by...why didn't I do it at 38 or 39?
I know that I will NEVER regret having another baby but I will probably regret NOT having another one.

What makes me sad about some of the responses you have received, is how many of these moms see children as a burden or how they are unable to get on with their own lives because of their children. Don't get me wrong I have thought of all these things, too, but it is kind of sad that we look at babies this way. I feel like being a mom IS my life right now, like any other career I have pursued. I plan to do the best I can for as long as I have the job. The difference is no other job is as rewarding or has such lasting memories. Only your own children will kiss you when you have morning breath!! Or tell you that they love the way you sing, "Happy Birthday." (My 11 year old son just told me that last month:)

I don't know...it is a tough decision but I don't think you will ever regret having another child.

Good luck and take care!
God bless,
Z.

OK so I am where you may be headed I am due in Dec with number 6 and finally feel as though this will be my last baby and our family will be complete. I know it is a little selfish to want a baby now but my other kids are 15,12, almost 10,8 1/2,3 1/2 so I think it is just part of who I am or need to be. ( I am 40) If you really want a baby and your hubby is for it then go for it. There are crazier women out who have babies in their late 40's and early 50's for the first time. So do what you need/want to do!
J.

I knew when I was pregnant with my daughter 16 yrs ago that our family was complete.

We've never had regrets and I've never had an urge to have more.

We are a very tight, closeknit, stable and secure family.

I totally get what your what your saying...My third is 10 months old. I have a girl and two boys...I constantly day dream about having a 4th hoping it would be a girl so I would have two of each but there are no guarantees for the best laid plans. Also, I am over 35 as well and with this last pregnancy the doctors had me totally scared because of my age...I was praying a lot just for a healthy baby...While I know you dream about and and think about having more as I am on the same page....we need to be logical and process this intelligently and not emmotionally. What is your financial situation like? Could you afford another? I am already thinking about the three I have and have to put them through college...not to mention I am not excited about being in late 50's and our 60's with kids at home. I also want to be able to see my kids grow up and have children of their own and not be stuck in some nursing home somewhere and mentally out of it....Also, just as important I miss some of those quality time moments with my husband. As we mothers know, the interuptions and the power struggle to get attention and being fair with time. It is totally challenging to plan date nights and feel like a couple. I really like one of the ideas below. Take a newborn and watch the baby for a few days and see how you do with sleepless nights plus your other children to take care of....Frankly at this point my kids sleep pretty well and I am thankful to get a good night sleep.

P.S. Finally I am also losing weight from all my pregnancies and working on getting my body back so I can feel better about myself. I think pregnancy does a real number on your body....Hmm things are never quite the same after that. Best wishes on your decision.

i think the urge never does go away for some. but, like the urge to eat ben and jerry's late at night, some urges just have to be resisted. you are wise enough to recognize that the downsides are sufficiently significant to consider. it would be much easier if there was no pull to do otherwise, but sometimes we just have to apply logic over desire.
but like most habits, it WILL wane until it's manageable if you work on it. the prospect of traveling was a big carrot for me to dangle in front of my reproductive id<G>.
khairete
S.

I feel fairly certain I am done but I still get nostalgic about the days when I was pregnant and then had a newborn. As you mentioned we have plans for traveling and look forward to all the fun with the kids so I think it is just something so personal that only you will be able to know for sure.

what will get you over wanting another child ? simple, imagine you are on an outing with your new little one, the burping, the drooling, the poop that goes everywhere, when someone comes up to you and says, what a beautiful grandbaby you have there.you do not want to be changing diapers in your fifties. they are beautiful little things, but trust me, you want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, buy shoes for your cat.
K. h. dont get me wrong , my baby is the best thing ever, but would i want to do it again ?, no.

Sigh, I know exactly what you mean. I'm almost 44 and still day dream about another baby!

At 31 after my third was born, I had a tubal since my poor husband was just not into the whole baby having process, I figured one more would be the end of him, and us. One my very few regrets in life, sigh.

Course three is WAY more than two, and 4 is WAY more than three!

Frankly, I've even been considering foster children.

Well, I guess if your husband is also wishing for another and the money is there, why not just go for it now? And that'll have to be it I think, considering you'll not be 'wanting to be raising kids in your 50s'.

After that, you'll have to wait for the grandchildren I suppose!

:)

i've only had 1 of my own and have always and for sure want another, and feeling time pressed to look into being pg again (pushing 30) cause like you i don't want to be raising kids in my 50's

This is a great question. One I have been meaning to ask myself b/c I'll be 50 next month and the urge is still there to be pregnant and to have a newborn. But it would probably put my life in danger to be pregnant again as I was seriously injured in an accident and know full well I don't have the health and stamina to have another baby....

Basically my logical mind is not in sync with my hormones and no amount of telling myself No, we're done, we can't manage, changes that urge.

I call it The Empty Breast rather than The Empty Nest....

I'd like to know how women just know when their done?????

I, too, struggled with this-after I had 5 beautiful children in an unhappy marriage-I stopped. When they got a little older, I dreamed about babies almost nightly. Now I have a grandchild-yea! One of my children didn't go to college-I have two out and two in-the expense is so crushing-think about what you can afford-plan on at least $150K/child to educate them-in the future, that is.

You will know. No one can answer it for you. I wasnt sure after my second thats the only reason I didnt get my tubes tied. I am currently pregnant and I know without a single doubt that I am done. When I tell peeople I am getting my tubes tied some agree some dont but they arent the ones that have to raise MY children.

I dont care for pregnancy. Yes I know its a miracle that some may never experience but it can also be miserable.Yes they are cute and cuddly as babies but they arent babies forever.

Well my mom was 43 when she had her last one. I personally think that you know when your done having kids when you can hold a new born baby and not desire to have another one. I think that if you enjoy the children you have and want more than go for it. Enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

I think if you want another kid, have one. I said I was done after two kids, we didnt do anything permanent, and now Im pregnant with my 3rd. I have 100% no doubt that Im done having kids now. There is no way I could possibly go through another miserable pregnancy. Im getting my tubes tied with this c-section. I wasnt 100% sure I was done when I had to c-section with my 2nd child, so I didnt do anything. NOW Im sure! I cant wait to have this baby!

We were married 10 years before we even ready to have a child. Then we did the math on the needs to care for a child and our own ages as she progresses.

I was able to be at all of her performances, volunteer to my hearts content at all of her schools.

I knew that we did not want to be 60 and have a child just starting college.. we wanted to be able to really give our child attention and any type of help she would need once she graduated from College also and still be able to retire.

This is how we decided..
When I miss babies, I volunteer to babysit.
It is wonderful reminder, that we made the right decision..