Do You Let What Others Think Upset You?

I have suffered from depression on and off most of my life. Over the years I have learned a few things...

* I take people's comments/suggestions/opinions personally when I am depressed. Often times, I read too much into what they are saying.

* If I spend time thinking about what happened yesterday, I miss out on today.

* If I spend time dreaming about tomorrow, I miss out on today.

Because of my experiences, my advice to you would be to live in the moment. Don't stress over what other people think about you. Live in the moment. Don't think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. Enjoy today!

I never have understood the need for people to submit themselves to such negativity all because "they are my family and I have to see them" No! You really don't.

My family was bringing me down and making me feel bad every time I saw them. Guess what I did. I stopped seeing them. And guess who is now more happy? My hubby, me and my kids.

This really is a simple solution, either stick up for yourself when you're there and make clear you will not deal with any negative comments or orders coming from them on how to parent YOUR child, or, if you aren't balsy enough to do that, then stop going. Those are your choices.

I really do think you should look into medication for this also. You would be amazed at all of the options, plenty of which you can take during pregnancy if you choose, and you will also be amazed and how much it helps take the edge off and things like this will be so much easier to let roll off. I still stand by my point of you standing up for yourself and/or highly limiting your contact with them, but there will always be assholes. Meds help us tolerate them.

My mother in law rarely comes around, but a few months ago when she did, she made a comment to another present family member as my son was being a typical 2 year old that my son needed to be spanked. I made VERY clear to her that we choose to discipline the way we choose (which may or may not include spanking, doesn't matter) and that I don't need her making comments. I wasn't at all rude, but I made clear to her that I found her comment to be inappropriate. I haven't heard a comment since.

The answer to this question is to spend less time with your family! Some families are wonderful and supportive. seems that your family thinks they can help you best by telling you what NOT to do. The more time you spend with them the more time you feel depressed - and who wouldn't? We need people around us who tell at "you're doing a great job" on the stuff you're doing well, and who offer help on the things that we're not doing so great on... (Offer to change baby themselves!)

When my kids were 4 and 1 my sister flipped out - certain that my 4 yr old was trying to strangle her little brother who was sitting on my lap - I had a very good view of what was happening. She yelled at my daughter, kept telling my kids not to touch her breakable stuff all over the house (I shouldn't have to put stuff away - you should make sure your kids don't touch my stuff - even though she kept inviting us up to her lake house for the weekend). Her kids were teens and she had forgotten what they were like at this age (her house was cleared out nothing on any tables when they were the same age). The weekend was a disaster - I didn't put my kids to sleep properly, I didn't feed them the right foods, etc. That was the last trip to my sister's house for about 5-7 years. She was welcome to visit at our house, we visited at other's homes - but it was not worth the stress to me or my kids. My kids are normal, decent kids. But at 1 and 4 they wanted to touch her Buzz Lightyear toy on the shelf behind the couch (a real toy - but only for display) and play with the tiny glass animals in a glass display table that I offered to put up in my sister's bedroom (a small, easily moved table).

If people are going to be difficult and negative then you need to limit exposure. We moms carry enough self-imposed mom-guilt that's not accurate - we don't need more.

If they ask whey aren't you joining them for the monthly late night game you tell them you're not up to it and need the rest. If anyone pushes then feel free to share that it's just too negative an environment for you right now and leave it at that. Let them think whatever they want - but I suspect with the right medicine to address your brain chemistry and limiting family exposure you'll begin to feel better. Your regular doctor and / or OB/GYN can hellp you with a script for an anti-depressant. Most regular docs will write that script for adults. (It's a different story for teens who have risks with certain anti-depressants)

Life is too short to deal with negative people and depression. You can address both of these things to get yourself into a better place. You know what's right for your child. Don't let your family make you crazy!!

Free Therapy from Me to You
AKA - my Mother's Day gift to you.

A therapist once told me that when I finally figured out that NOTHING I do would be "right" for *everyone else*, it freed me up to do what *I* thought was "right". It was a liberating thought for me.

I just watched the love and logic DVD on discipline. Please get this book and read it. Then determine how you can use the technique WITH YOUR FAMILY. It's not just for kids anymore.

For example
"he stinks"
You respond "I know"
"Why don't you change him?"
You respond "we wait 5 min after - to catch the stragglers"
"but he stinks"
You respond "I know"
"You should change him now"
You respond "I'll change him in 5 min"
"but you're just letting him sit in his poop"
You respond "I know"

I know. I know. I know. I know.
Or you can change it up.
"thanks"
He stinks "thanks"
You should change him "I will"
I mean now. he stinks "thanks"

Over and over and over.

Also - Get the book by David Burns "The Feeling Good Handbook". It's meant to be self-lead and you can do exercises where you look at how you are affected by what other people do. I can't say enough about how helpful it is.
I used the anxiety counterpart "when panic attacks" and I completely STOPPED having physical-based panic attacks including racing heart rate (>180 bpm) / episodes of sweating and shortness of breath.

Family stuff sucks.

To answer the question to your post. No..I do not let what others think of me upset me. I really could care less. But, if I have offended someone or done something wrong..then heck yes I should worry for a limited time about it and apologize.

We have only so much time on this earth...I am NOT going to spend it worrying about what others think of me.

Surround yourself with people that build you up and that you enjoy being around. Limit time with family if they do not respect your wishes to leave you alone and keep their comments to themselves. Stick up for yourself...don't wither when they pounce on you.

Find a backbone, speak up for yourself and feel confident that YOU are Oliver's M., YOU have a husband that supports the way you are raising your child...and be satisfied with those two opinions.

I think you will feel better in life if you pull away from family for awhile. Not pull away entirely..but just don't get together as often. So you can regroup and get stronger to stand up to their chiding. Then jump back in and have a few little quips in your back pocket to say when they pounce on you.

A therapist will help you if you can't take care of this on your own with your husband. A therapist can help you find out why you care so much about what others think and say about you. It is not normal to let other's opinion about you stress you out and make you feel depressed.

I wish you the best...keep lovin' on that little Oliver, listen to your husband's advice, and saving that money for your future home to get ready for baby #2 when it happens.

Ah, the joys of unsolicited advice. (urrggghhhh).

1. remind yourself that they are speaking up with the best intentions, even if they are on your last nerve.
2. smile and say thank you for your advice. I will take it into consideration, I've given it some thought and I've decided to do things differently, or do it their way when you are in their presence, assuming it isn't a daily affair. (what's an extra diaper now and then).

Glad you are speaking with a doctor though, because it sounds like this is taking a lot of your energy.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

For me - I feel a real pick me up in the mood department when it's finally warm enough in the spring for me to get outside in the garden and get a little sunshine.
After a long cold grey winter, being outside and getting some sun can almost make me euphoric.
If you're TTC, you should be taking prenatal vitamins already so your nutrition and vitamin D level should be fine.
Other family members might not have a clue how you feel about their child raising comments.
Depending how I felt I might laugh them off or snap at them but they'd learn to engage their brains before flapping their lips at me.

The thing that stood out for me was when you said this isn't normal for your family, that it started recently.

Now, this could be a function of your depression. Depression makes us pick up on negative feedback that we ordinarily don't register. It could be a function of your son's age. In some dynamics, a toddler brings out the critic in everyone. Or, there could be something going on in your family. But it's worth bringing that up. What I recommend is finding the kindest, most discreet, nonjudgmental person in the whole kaboodle, and laying the topic out. Just tell this person, "I feel like I'm getting a lot of criticism during family gatherings. What's going on?" Chances are, that person will give you an answer. It could be, "Oh, that's just Aunt Sally. She gets sensitive around little children because of X." Or it could be "Oh, I had no idea. I'll just gently get the word out that you don't need or want unsolicited parenting advice." But in a loving family, you should be able to have your concerns heard.

On depression, I also wanted to respectfully encourage you to reconsider your blanket opposition to meds. These meds help a huge amount, and they have very few side effects. There are some that are fine to take when you're pregnant. It might be worth exploring. Another thought is -- did you by any chance stop taking hormonal birth control (the pill, certain IUDs) in an effort to TTC. That can trigger a hormonal shift that can cause depression right there. If so, let your OB know.

P.S. I love your son's name :)

Do you exercise? Three times a week has been proven to be as effective as medicine for treating mild depression. I highly recommend it. Also, make sure you spend time outside everyday. Nature helps as well.

As to your question about what others think: usually I don't care. I'm comfortable, but when I have mild depression, yes, others opinions do bother me. When you are off center, it's hard to deal with criticism or negative stuff from others.

As to feeling like a bad mom, man, I'm having a terrible mom day! I yelled at my 5 year old twice this morning, like really yelled. My 3 year old woke me last night, so I'm running on no sleep. Baby is wanting nonstop comfort, and both older kids are grumpy. Does this make me question my ability to parent? I'm not going to win any awards today, but I know I'm overall a good mom. It's like kids and veggies, as long as it evens out over the course of a week, it's all good.

First things first. Your husband is right that you're not having a baby for anybody but you.

Yes, people are critical. Some people are so critical they must think they'll get a paycheck for it some time down the road! The trick is to let it be their problem, not yours. "Poor Uncle Joe - it's too bad he just can't be happy at our house. Wish he'd get over that." If that means you have to distance yourself from your family for a while, then do it. Ask your husband to laugh every time you worry out loud about what the family thinks of you. That will remind you that it's their problem, not yours.

You don't really know what's going on in their heads (and they don't know what's going on in yours), but a lot of negativity will get anybody down. Paradoxically, just because your relatives are being critical to you now doesn't mean they won't be happy when the new baby arrives. People aren't logical. You know that. But then, it's not so important whether they're happy or not. The baby's mama and daddy (and brother) need to be happy about their new family member. That's the important thing, and it's something you have. The relatives may change their attitudes back and forth as long as they live, and the reasons may actually have little or nothing to do with you.

Would your husband be willing to run interference for you with the rest of the relatives for a while? It could be a very good thing. Teamwork! You can do the same for him some time.

For what it's worth (which isn't much), when we were expecting our first, our relatives - all of whom live far away - were pretty happy. When we were expecting our second, they said, "Good! You're done now." Really? Were we? That affected me a whole lot (I'm rather a sensitive person) - so much that when we were expecting our third and our fourth, the kinfolks weren't notified until the month that baby was due. I was busy making a home and caring for a family - I just didn't need that sort of negativity in my life.

Basically, it sounds like to me, they are talking just to talk. It is sooooo easy to sit back and give advice/make comments. It would bother me in the moment, but once I was gone, I wouldn't give it a second thought. And if I did, it would only be to vent but not because I took anything they said to heart.

You just have to tell yourself that these are really rhetorical comments - they don't really expect/want you to do anything. They just want to hear themselves talk and make themselves feel superior. If that's what they need, let them have it.

They are your family, if they truly love you and your son, they need to listen to you. They are probably "trying to help" with their "advice", but you need to tell them how it makes you feel, and then Tell them to back you up (going along with your choices of how to parent) or back off ( by letting you do it and keeping their mouths shut), but either way, this is your child/your family and you have your own way that is working just fine for you. If they won't ease up, I would stop going over there if it stresses you out.

You are not a bad mom, you are a regular person with a regular buttinsky family, we all have them - they don't mean to be annoying, they THINK they are being helpful. Let them know you don't need that kind of help - and if you want help ask for something specific.

To some extent, yes. I take their feelings into consideration. If an apology is warranted because I might have hurt their feelings, then yes, I will apologize.

I do not think you are getting or understanding the advice given by others when they tell you to stop trying to get pregnant. It means to stop obsessing over it, checking the calendar for when would be the best day to have sex, do not use the basil body temperature method, checking your mucus, tracking your period, etc. it means to have sex for fun again. Do you understand that? It does not mean go back on birth control. It means stop making it your main focus.

If your son is in danger when he is having a tantrum, yes, people should speak up. Things happen in the blink of an eye.

Depression is not something to mess with. It would be a priority to me to get my mental health right and not even consider getting pregnant or buying a home (huge stressors for depression) until I was mentally straight.

I agree with those who state you need to spend less time with your family. I will say that you need to learn how to deal with them. I absolutely LOVE CoCoMom's response about changing diapers!

Find a therapist. I agree with Cheryl - only you are responsible for your happiness. No one else can make you happy, they can add or take away from your happiness, but they cannot make you happy.

Just be truthful, they are your family and don't intend for their comments to hurt you. Tell them it does hurt and ask them to stop. Tell them that you know that you're a good mom but that their comments make you doubt yourself.

A close family is a wonderful thing, don't let it become a burden.

Best of luck in growing your little family.

If I stressed about everyone who criticized me on what I do 'wrong' I would be curled in a ball crying 90% of the time. There simply isn't enough time in the world to please everyone, sometimes not even our family.

I completely understand your depression, I feel the same way often. It's hard, but because of that, you do not need your family to act like that. From now on if they have anything to say, I would tell them "We do things our way." and if they say anything after that ignore them.

First of all, it's not unusual for it to take a year-18 months to conceive.

Sometimes it's NOT a matter of "trying to hard" or just "do r focus on conception--just have fun and it will happen."

I know PLENTY of people that have heard that advice, and whole some may have had personal success with it--many dont. It's certainly NOT a prescription for guaranteed suceess. So keep trying.

As for the rude, insolicited advice you're receiving--ignore it.
Most people are better at giving advice to others about other kids than took that advice themselves. Simply say "ummm hmmm" or "he's fine...." Or other vague comment. IGNORE it!!!

All the best!

I don't really have advice...but I wanted to let you know I hate it when family members do that too. My mom is bad at this...criticizing my (or my brother and sister-in-law's) parenting. She disguises her criticism as "I'm just trying to help". I had to ask her to stop being so critical of my son (and my parenting) at one point when she was being extreme. This really made her angry and she did not speak to me for a couple months. Since then she has been much less critical but now her critical comments are all starting to come back again. I only have one family member doing this and it is very annoying...you say all your family members are doing it. In their minds they are trying to help. In their minds they can say these things to you bc they feel close enough to you to tell you what they really think. It's hurtful though. Anyway - you have to maybe stay away a little more or you have to develop a thicker skin I guess. And try not to let their reaction to things spoil you getting pregnant with your second baby! You now have your own family and they are what is most important in your life now. Perhaps spend less time with your parents/siblings/etc if they are making you unhappy. That is what I do and I am much happier for it. :)

Short answer--NO. Here's how I do (based on what you've said here about your life): I watch my child the way that I want to. My mother tried to shush me away once after my not-quite-toddler had fallen. He was in her line of sight, and she knew that he was okay. He was not in my line of sight, and I wanted to put my own eyes on him. I told her that I wanted to see him for myself. People can call that what they want. I play the mama card on that one--MY RIGHT. Stinky diapers? I would say one time, "I'm letting him finish." After that, I would either ignore the remarks or respond that "we all know that he stinks, and I'll change him when he finishes." I probably wouldn't say it in a sweet tone. If you don't trust the people around your son, continue to watch them and tell them that you are watching them because you do not trust them not to give him stuff that you don't want him to have. I do that, too. If it's unpleasant for them, they can either stay away or start talking about how they can earn trust. Otherwise, they can just be used to having you ALWAYS in the mix. You don't have to address everything. Sometimes, ignoring them works well to get your point across without making an issue. It's kind of passive-aggressive, but that's not a bad thing. For example, if you are addressing an issue with your child that they think is unnecessary or inappropriate, ignore them and continue to address your child. Addressing them takes the focus off what you're doing and puts it on them. You don't need to get worked up over them when you are in the middle of tending to your child. If they persist, then you can say something. If not, the moment is over.

I don't put a lot of emphasis on the personal opinions of people who do not know me, who cannot understand why I do what I do. I don't listen to people who measure what I do by what they would do in their set of circumstances. I listen to people who get who I am and how I function. Personal opinions are welcomed from people who can see the issue through my eyes. Otherwise, it's like reading any book with other people's feedback. You know how people compile instructional manuals with the experiences and advice of others? I toss their opinions right on in there with those of other folks who don't know me or my experience. There's value in it--so it's not necessarily trash--but it's simply not applicable.