Hello all, hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving! This is for anyone who has lost a sibling, specifically. How would you feel if your dead sibling's friend texts you around major holidays to send you best wishes, and that is the only contact you have with that person? Would you find it awkward, depressing, or thoughtful? Here's the background: A close friend committed suicide a couple of years ago. His sister called me with the news after a wellness check, and that was the first time I had contact with her. He lived in Florida, while his family lived in New York, so I never had an opportunity to meet them, though they knew of me, as he had spoken very highly of me. We finally met when I traveled to NY for the service and embraced and shared in our pain.
I thought it would be nice, and the proper thing, to keep in touch with his sister and send holiday wishes during major holidays, though on occasion, I would also ask her how she was doing. I did this until recently, only because my best friend thought this was "creepy" and probably stirred all kinds of confusion and emotions. He said it probably felt like reopening a wound every time I reached out to her, rather than her thinking that I wanted to let her know she and her family are in my thoughts -- my real reason for reaching out. My best friend was the one who introduced me to this friend who passed away, and he never reached out to the family after the service, but my best friend is one of those people who tends to avoid social interaction, and besides, he wasn't as close to the guy as I was, so I am not going to hold myself to that standard.
I did not reach out to her last week for Thanksgiving for that reason, I started doubting myself, and found myself wondering what is the best thing to do. I normally wished her a Merry Christmas in December as well, so I was hoping someone who has lost a sibling might be able to provide personal input in regards to this. Should I stop (or should I have stopped some time ago)? Was it wrong to keep in touch with her in the first place after the service? I realize this may perhaps be a unique situation in that I did not know his sister prior to the incident, so there was no relationship with his family. Regardless of my intentions, I just don't want to cause someone undue pain, so will take your advice to heart. Thanks!
I always love to hear from people who knew my family members who have passed away - even if I didn't know them. Even better when they include a personal note about how they heard of me, from my loved one (a special story). I received a lovely note like this not long ago. Very special.
In my experience, I would welcome the contact.
I lost a brother to a drug overdose 6 years ago. I love when someone reaches out to me and my siblings to let us know that they are still thinking of my brother - sometimes they are people I knew from childhood, sometimes they are people he knew as an adult whom I didn't know prior. We usually hear from people around the anniversary of his death, his birthday, and the holidays. It's sweet and touching and lets us know that he hasn't been forgotten.
My best friend died in a car accident the weekend we graduated college. I always reach out to her mom on that anniversary and her birthday, and I know others do too. She has always said how much it comforts her.
The wound is always there, and the person is always missing. There is always one fewer place at the table and one less gift to give. Not acknowledging that doesn't make the pain go away. Knowing your loved one is still remembered helps.
I don't think there is a right or wrong because everyone deals with death and grief differently.
My husband died suddenly in 10/2015. (massive heart attack) I was bombarded with calls, notes, texts, in the beginning but people move on with their lives which is understandable.
We who are grieving are adjusting to a new normal and often feel very alone.
There are some of my husband's family members I've never heard from and we were married 27 years!!
There are some friends and some members on this site who to this day around the anniversary of his death and on holidays send me messages. Something as simple as "thinking of you" means a lot,
The hole in my heart will never heal. My husband is on my mind daily as I adjust, run our company, make decisions etc.
I, for one, as well as my 22 yr old daughter appreciate it when we get a note, text or call from someone because it means something to us when someone does think of us during the time that is most difficult.
It means someone is thoughtful enough to take a moment of their time to care about others.
Do what you feel is best and don't feel pressured by what someone may say is the "norm". With death and grieving, there is no "normal".
your bestie is wrong.
naturally every situation is individual. if your friend's family indicates that your reaching out is causing them pain, of course you should desist.
but both my family and my in-laws, who have all suffered losses including suicide, appreciate it so very much when friends of our lost loved ones get in touch. we don't want to pretend it never happened. we love reminiscing about our beloveds.
do not let yourself be shamed out of doing something nice.
khairete
S.
Let me just start by saying that there is no such thing as "reopening a wound" when you lose a sibling, child, or someone close to you. It is literally on your mind (especially the first couple years) AT ALL TIMES. Sometimes it does a good job of hiding in your subconscious and not getting all up in your face, but it is always there. So, you bringing up someone who has passed to their loved one will not make them all of a sudden remember that they forget they were dead.
I think it's great, thoughtful, kind, warm and loving to reach out to your friend's sister. Keep doing it. I have also lost someone to suicide and it's very difficult. Like Cheryl said, talking about people's loved ones who are gone lets the family know that they have not been forgotten, and trust me when I say that that is huge. In my culture when someone dies we don't say "sorry for your loss" we say "may his/her memory be eternal" because ultimately that's all we really want, is for no one to forget this person that we loved so much.
I've lost a few people who were very close to me and I found that most people's intentions are good but most people don't really know how to talk to people about people they've lost. I'm seriously impressed that you have gone so far as to reach out to this woman that you literally did not know, not a lot of people would do that. I think it's always best to err on the side of saying too much than not saying anything at all.
May your friend's memory be eternal. Hugs.
I personally have not lost a sibling, but my grandchildren lost their half brother about 6 months ago and I can tell you that they and their father like hearing from his friends on occasion - it tells them that their brother has not been forgotten. It does not cause them undue pain (although they are still grieving.)
A wise person once told me that you won't be causing the wound to reopen if you contact the family and friends of a deceased person. Their wounds are real and most likely the wounds are still causing great hurt.
The only possible exception is if the relationship prior to the death was violent or hateful, but otherwise most grieving people still appreciate knowing that their loved one is still remembered. I absolutely encourage you to reach out appropriately. Share a memory, tell them what your friend meant to you, share a funny story, or just send them your best thoughts and prayers.
It's not creepy to show kindness to someone who is hurting. You sound like you're sending thoughtful messages, not bombarding his sister with constant communication. It would be inappropriate to try to insert yourself into the grieving process, to try to make your grief more important or more significant than the deceased person's family. But to send a thoughtful message, showing that you still fondly remember your friend and still care about his loved ones, well, that's just nice. The world needs more "nice".
N.,
Why are you doubting yourself? Call them and ask them what they want! THEY will tell you yes or no. They reached out to you first. So I would take that as a sign they want to hear from you.
I lost my mom 4 years ago. I'd LOVE to hear her voice. Hell, I'd love to see her again. I do, in my dreams. If someone contacts me about my mom? I cherish the memories they share about her. She made quilts and blankets for people. There are people who still have them today and take pictures and post them to facebook. I see them and smile...knowing that people still love what my mom made them! and use them!
Just reach out and call them. Find out what THEY want. Go off what THEY want and not what a friend tells you.
I had a close friend who died several years ago. There are other people who were part of her life who are constantly memorializing. I wish they would stop. I will never forget her, but I don't need reminders from people I barely even know. If I want to talk about her, it will be with someone of mutual closeness at a time of my choosing. I don't want messages from people that toss a sad-bomb on the holiday. It does reopen the wound and I want to let it go.
However, you can see from the replies that people have different needs and wishes. You have to ask the sister. Ask if it is okay if you keep in touch. If she says Yes, then form a better relationship with her as a person and be her friend too. Find things in common besides her brother.
If I am understanding you right, you didn't feel strange about this until your best friend said she (he?) thought it was creepy.
Here's the thing. That's your friend's take on this. You seem to be VERY malleable in your thought processes. That's not good, N.. You need to find in your own heart and mind how you feel about things. You don't need to form opinions based on your friend's opinions. Quite frankly, it isn't your friend's business that the woman is corresponding with you. If your friend is getting messages from her, that is between THEM.
There are people in this world who think of others and their losses, and they reach out. That is what this woman is doing. She does it to honor your sibling. She doesn't do it to creep you out.
Everyone grieves differently. If being reminded of your sibling makes you sad, that's one thing. But if this is REALLY about your friend making you doubt how you feel, then you are being really unfair to this woman and to anyone who reaches out to grieving people.
Stop talking to your friend about this. If this is a pattern between you and your friend, being told what you should think and what you should feel, you need to change that dynamic. Be your own person, and not an extension of someone else.
Everyone is different.
What's comfortable for one person is uncomfortable for the next.
What creeps your best friend out has nothing to do with it.
If a friendship has sprung up then keep it going.
If you have nothing in common except the deceased sibling then then friendship doesn't have much of a basis.
I do know of some friends of someone who committed suicide that bonded while sharing their grief.
The relationship blossomed and they eventually got married.
I had a boyfriend and it just didn't work out.
He was nice and a great date - just no one I could stand marrying and living with.
We parted as friends more than 30 years ago - I think he's on wife number 3 right now.
But his mother loves me to this day and we still exchange Christmas cards.
Our friendship isn't about the old boyfriend.
My FIL has been dead for a few years now. My MIL does get weepy when people talk about him, but they are tears of joy and sadness mixed together.
Why don't you reach out and ask them what they feel most comfortable with?
I would welcome your sincere thoughts. Wish there were more people like you in this world.
It is difficult to know another person's heart - or pain, so I can see where when it was brought to your attention by another friend, you would start second guessing what you were doing. If it were me on the receiving end, I think I would appreciate a heartfelt "thinking of you" note during the holidays or other special occasion. However, I can tell you if that "thinking of you" came via text or email, I probably wouldn't appreciate it much at all. A text or an email, not only does it feel so impersonal, it takes literally seconds to do, which really doesn't jive with "thinking of you". Going through the trouble of getting a card, handwriting a note, and dropping in the mail lets me know that my pain isn't something to just check off of a list of things to do today. However, this could be completely generational - if I was a millennial or younger, perhaps I would view this differently.
Good luck!
