I've mentioned before that when my oldest son (now 6 and in Kindergarten) was 4, and his baby brother was 1 and still a little unsteady on his feet, we went to a children's fair at a local museum. They had a "balloon typhoon" which is similar to a bounce house AROUND the kids, but no cushioning on the floor, so it's still the hard concrete surface below. A blower blows balloons all around, and the kids loved it, thinking it was magical. I was on the opposite end of the thing, watching happily from the "window" there when I saw a bigger boy (8-ish?) take a balloon in his hand and walk up and knock children down on their bums, on the hard surface. The employee there was trying to yell over the blower "don't hit, stop" but he wasn't hearing it and just kept knocking down all the children. He walked to my 1 year old and I started moving toward the entrance as fast as I could while still watching, and my 4 year old stepped in front of his brother and said "Don't touch my baby brother". The kid tried to push him out of the way but Joseph jumped into his "ready" stance that he'd been learning from Kung Fu and blocked him. The bigger kid tried to step around him, arms up, to hit my 1 year old again, and Joseph just stepped in front again and said "Do not touch my baby brother". My 1 year old, oblivious, toddled away to safety, still playing, so I stopped and watched instead of interfering. The older kid got frustrated and tried to hit Joseph (the employee yelling to stop, no hitting, come back" and Joseph just blocked it: left, right, left, right, he blocked several attempts before the kid got frustrated and walked away. The employee crawled in and removed him from the balloon typhoon and he ended up going home. I was so proud of my 4 year old: he's also small. He was always quite small being a preemie, but he's finally evened out to "average", but we had put him in Kung Fu with a great teacher right after he turned 4 because we were concerned about his size and if he'd be bullied (he's a very sweet, mild mannered kid). We were proud of him because he was able to defend someone else (his brother), stand up for and defend himself, and all the while never had to throw a punch or kick.
Now in kindergarten: he went half a year with no problems at all at his first school. His teacher had nothing but wonderful things to say about his social skills, conduct, etc. We moved, and he started a different school. About two months in, he started coming home with bruises. __ pushed him, kicked him, hit him, etc. We were like "Did you use your words? Did you tell the teacher? What is happening?" I was concerned he was being bullied but the story wasn't adding up: he got hit in the face, has a bruise on his forehead, has mustard all down the BACK of his shirt (a corndog wiped down his back at lunch) and that child "just got a yellow"??? (Yellow being like a warning or single mark down in the daily conduct grade). I thought it must not be true and had a parent/teacher conference to check on his general wellbeing and how he's adjusting into the new school. All 3 teachers said he is super sweet, super nice, has good friends, plays well, etc. But nobody could really set my mind at ease about this one specific kid. I let it go a couple weeks, and then he came from school with a tear in his shirt and said that the boy spit in his face.
We'd taught him to look someone in the eye and speak up for himself firmly (he did) and if that didn't work, get an adult (teacher, which he did). The kid got a stupid "yellow" again (what does that MEAN?). It wasn't good enough, he isn't being protected from a continual issue with a specific child, so we told him to use what he's learned in Kung Fu. The boy has had his last chance. I then wrote a calm, very precise letter to his teacher detailing everything, reminding her of the parent/teacher conference, explaining how he's used his words, he's sought out help from teachers (or assistants, whoever is there), and that the NEXT step to physical attack is going to be physical defense. We asked that they be separated, it's a big class, there's no reason for this child to be sitting by my son, but that he has been trained and he has been instructed to defend himself because we don't feel he's being defended going through "the rules". I said that I understood that this child may have some sort of problem, and that he has his medical privacy and I'm not asking what his problem is, because I don't care what it is. He still can't hit, spit, push, wipe food, snot, or anything else on my child. Period. I told her to let everyone else who would be in contact with the class know my stance on it, and how my son has been instructed to handle it in the future because the school is failing him.
I got a phone call 3 minutes after sending that email: his teacher phoned me to say she had forwarded my email to the guidance counselor, the assistant principal, and all his other teachers, and they already had a parent teacher conference with the other boy's mother THAT DAY planned. She would also discuss my email with the other mom to explain the seriousness of the situation. She told me that the boy is not a bully, he just has trouble controlling himself; that he does this in their "specials" (art, music, etc) but not when with her in the main class. And I said "Ok, if he can refrain from doing it in front of his main teacher, then he CAN control himself and he should be held accountable". She said she did not want anything physical happening in school (referring to my email) and I simply replied "Me either, so handle it" (referring to his behavior to my son). The boy hasn't bothered him since. But especially at this young age, I don't care if he gets in trouble or not: my instruction has changed from "use your words, then get help from a teacher" to adding "defend yourself if it doesn't stop. never hit wimpy--if you absolutely must hit, it must be a good hit, and a hard hit. it needs to be enough to make someone not WANT to do it again". My opinion is that we have it documented that he's had lots of physical things happen TO him, but that boy's punishment was not much of anything. So if my son has to defend himself physically (I mean to get the kid off or away, not to just go pummeling someone) then he had better not have anything too strict happen to him. And if it does, I will defend him myself.
I personally have NO memory of children getting pushed around at school when I was this age. Teased, yes (the nose picker, the pants wetter, the stinky brain), and I remember the one boy every girl "loved". But I don't remember a bully. But it hurts my heart for my son to have experienced it first hand in kindergarten, and to see his confusion when he's following the rules and bad things kept happening...until the threat of physical defense was in play, at least.