Hi moms! Need your help and advice. My cousin was killed today and I am not sure whether to take my daughter to the funeral service or not. My cousin was only 16yr old and my daughter really looked up to him. When ever we were at family functions she was always right by his side. He was killed today when a bus hit him while he was riding his bicycle. My daughter knows that he has passed away and is asking very appropriate questions, as much as she can in understanding this. The only experience she has with death is the loss of our cat when she was 3yr and she still says a pray for him every night and keeps his picture in her room. Do I take her to the funeral? Is she ready? It will be a closed casket, so no issues there. But is she ready? I know she will want to go but....I'm just not sure. We go to church and she is learning and beginning to understand some of the more complex but she's 5. I wish I could just wrap her up in a bubble and sheild her from all the hurt and awful things out there! The other side of this is I am worried about her seeing me so upset. She spent the day with her grandparents today so I was able to grieve a bit alone but the funeral is going to be very hard on me too. She knows I am sad, does she really need to be a part of all that grieving? Or is it important for her to be able to grieve with the rest of us and have the support of family and friends that a funeral service provides? Please help. I'm just not sure which way to go here!
I would say to take her to let her be a part of the family grieving process IF you think the family and friends will behave appropriately (sometimes funerals for teens can be especially hard and the friends of the teen can get out of control because they aren't equipped to deal with the emotions) AND you think you can support your daughter in her grief. You'd also have to be willing to leave after a fairly brief time.
I would plan to take her but first let her know what a funeral is about and ask her if she wants to go. I was totaly shocked when my girls 7 and 9 chose not to go to great grandpa's funeral. They were close to him but decided to say goodby in their own way. I was sure my 9yo would want to go! They did make sure to visit the grave site well after the grass had grown and all.
If she does want to go be sure to discuss how different people show emotion in different ways and if you have another person (hubby) who could go and let you have your time too that might help and she can follow your lead.
I agree with Julie. I have a 4 year old who we have talked to about death when a family member has died in the past and she did very well with it. She does get emotional sometimes (still) when she thinks about not getting to see them. She doesn't quite understand where they are. But I believe that it is good to let them grieve with you and have their questions answered. And being that she is only 5, she will probably bring a little light to a very sad day.
I agree with the other two suggestions....since she was so close to her cousin she needs a chance to say goodbye.
I'm sorry for your loss....take care.
I would say that if she says she wants to go then let her.She does need to be able to grieve and like most people, it will help her to have other family/friends around her to talk to.
I'm sorry for your families loss.We lost my niece (May 27,2007)..it was tough, made it even harder because I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter who was born exactly a week later.
I also say allow her to come but, make sure also that she knows she can leave if she needs. Ask her during the funeral how she's feeling and if she needs a break. Even adults will sometimes leave a funeral to walk around the parking lot for a while. I do think it would be good for her to go and say good-bye, everyone should be given that opportunity, regardless of age.
-L.
