Do I Say No? Wow!*SWH Added

This is making more sense now. I get more what you are dealing with.

Your immediately family is your priority. This is where I think therapy could help you - I know that's not really what you want to hear, but it's so true. Your immediately family, with your two kids who need a lot of care, are almost in crisis mode on a regular basis. No one would expect you to go to crazy amounts of trouble to attend things for extended family knowing that you have so much on your plate.

I don't know why your mom and brother don't get your challenges. That actually must be very upsetting. I'm not well, and we changed how we did everything. Our family comes first. We say no all the time. It upset a few people, but quite frankly, they were demanding in the first place. Your family comes first. You shouldn't feel guilt about this, conflicted or otherwise. And if you fear that there will be some fall out - that's on them, not you. There's something wrong if they will be so offended. I missed my niece's wedding. They respected our decision. So - there might be some bigger issue to do with your own family (siblings and mom) that's deep routed if you fear the consequences of doing what's best for your family.

Myself? I wouldn't go into specifics. I would say sorry we can't make it. I wouldn't involve your mother. I wouldn't tell your brother why if he's not understanding or supportive. There's boundaries that really need to apply here. You don't owe them an explanation. A polite I'm sorry, we won't be able to make it - is all you need.

You sound like a very loving giving person. That doesn't mean you have to please these people. If they are going to hold this against you, then what do you care anyway?

Sounds like you and your husband should plan a nice getaway weekend some other time. You deserve it.

I would send regrets and a nice gift and call it a day. You have very valid reasons to not travel. If your family won't be gracious and understanding, that's on them. Two of my dad's siblings had their weddings in the brides' hometowns, both which were a plane ride away. There was no way my parents were going to entertain the thought of buying plane tickets for 5 kids, and no one to watch us, so they declined each invite and there were no hard feelings.

The only compromise I can think of is would it be manageable at home if either you, your husband, or perhaps the adult child who lives nearby went to the wedding as a representative of your family? If both of you need to be home, then decline without guilt but if you or your husband can hold down the fort, maybe one of you (preferably you as he is your brother) could go. If that would cause chaos though, the needs of your children and your own sanity take priority over a wedding.

Sorry that your family isn't more supportive and doesn't get it. This would not be an issue with my siblings and for that, I am grateful.

You can't fix your brother's attitude toward your son - just keep your son as far away from his as possible so he doesn't decide to "discipline" him himself!

Anytime someone plans a destination wedding far from family, they have to expect that some people cannot come. You can cut back your contact with your brother so you minimize the "bad" reaction, which I assume you have faced before so you know what it's like. If your brother is that rigid and selfish, I wonder that you want to spend any time together.

I would either stay home entirely, sending regrets, and declining your mother's offer of the ticket (because you still have to deal with your son and you will have other expenses there) OR I would consider going alone and leaving my husband home with the kids. It's not a ton of fun going to a wedding alone, but if you have housing with other family members, it might be manageable. And you would wind up with a weekend alone for yourself, away from the child care and difficulties with your kids. If that would be fun for you (because you enjoy the other people who are attending and you could also keep some peace in the family) and you could pay for just the one ticket, maybe that's a compromise. But if you would hate every minute of it, then send regrets.

I went to my cousin's wedding alone last year. I shared a room with my mom. I am sorry that your brother and people in your life are so unforgiving and are not understanding. I think that is very rude of them. You have very good reasons not to go and no one should bat an eye if you rsvp'd no. Since you say there will be very bad fallout I think just you should go and leave the rest of your family at home. Fly up one night. The next day go to the wedding. Fly back the next morning. Good luck. Keep working on making your life simpler!! You can do it! Delegate delegate delegate! And learn to say no much more often. Put yourself first more often. Let go of things you try to control. That's my pep-talk for you :) PS - if your brother is that self centered and that much of a jerk perhaps it is not a bad thing to skip the wedding. Perhaps cutting him out of your life would be a blessing. You really don't need someone like that in your life. We cannot pick our family unfortunately.

Can you go by yourself just for the wedding? Fly in and out in like 24 hours so you are gone as short of time as possible.

Then your son is home with dad and you do get 24 hours of respite and a wedding, maybe with a glass of wine to boot.

Good luck. If you can't go alone then you will have to decline the RSVP.

ETA: Sorry - I guess I should have read ahead. Other people suggested it. Hope you have a great trip with your mom!
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I don't see the problem here. I really don't. Go with your mom. Your husband can stay with your son. You both don't need to be there.

I don't see any reasonable choice other than to send your regrets. I'm sorry your family isn't more understanding.

ETA: Oh, I'm so glad that you found a workable alternative.

I am so glad you will be going with your Mom. I hope you have a wonderful time and even get to relax a bit.

I would leave my husband at home to take care of son, and go by myself. It doesn't sound like the wedding will be fun if you bring your son, so why bother?

Reading below: Sounds like you came to that conclusion before I posted. :)

I would what works for me. I have an autistic grandson with process disorder issues. I understand the difficulty that a change in routine and location causes. Fortunately our family has not had reasons to make a sudden change. If his parents were in a similar position, they would stay home. Sometimes they do go home because of issues related to his behaviour or the reaction of adults. This isn't difficult because they are close to home. They rely on me to take care of him at times.

You have 2 difficultis when considering this trip. The distance from home with the changes of changes in routine. As well as relatives judgements. I would not go. I would be extremely disappointed. I would say, "I want to come but it is not possible." Then I wouldn't respond to negative or judgemental comments. I would say somethin like "I'm disappointed too." I would not say why I couldn't come because saying so, gives them reason to question your decision and blame your son.

You have reason to not go because you're overwhelmed with strong feelings of anxiety and depression affecting your life. As others have said you need to take care of yourself and stop trying to make others happy when to do so, makes you feel out of control.

If going is important to YOU, consider leaving your husband staying home with him.

You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.
Don't go.
There's no fall out if you don't accept any and don't apologize for not being able to attend.
Your priorities are else where and other family members are going to have to get over it.

So glad you figured it out! And yes that is the solution I was going to suggest too! :) Sometimes we get so wrapped up in a problem, we don't see the easy way out! Hope you have a great time and I think you have the right attitude about your family and everything else!

i would decline.
what sort of a brother would not 'forgive and forget' a sister with the challenges you've got?
i was the only one who didn't go to a brother's wedding several years ago, simply because it wasn't convenient for our family at the time. i'm pretty sure there was some minor resentment over it, but i get to choose what works for me and mine.
if they want you there so very badly, why not have it close to you?
you really do have to learn how to do a better 'no.' it can be done with love, and courtesy, and finality.
khairete
S.

Here's my thought. Take your mom, your husband, and your child with you to the event.

Why not drive? I can drive from OKC to Denver CO which is 3 states away in 10 hours or so and anywhere just a couple of states away can't take more than a day WITH stops every couple of hours.

If your vehicle isn't fit to travel that far then rent a car or van with a DVD player in it, pay the gas, stop and eat out every meal, and you STILL won't pay $1800 for your trip. Flying you still have to rent a car, pay for food out, and other travel things.

Then one of you keep the boy in the room or busy during the ceremony. Problem solved. You can use your room as a home base and he can stay there a great deal. He can also go wander about and do things that are offered in the venue. With some leeway he can have a good time and be controllable within his needs.

I've traveled a lot and it's not hard. If you need to you could leave after dinner. Then get in the car/van and drive for a couple of hours. Around bedtime/9pm stop at a good place to get a snack and use their bathrooms to change him into his night wear. Then back in the car/van. He watches a movie until he's asleep and you or hubby or mom can drive all night. You are there before the sun comes up. Sharing the drive is good too. That way no one person stays up all night. I've done this a bunch of times. It's so easy! I prefer to drive that way actually.