Do I Respond or Let It Go?

Updated on December 11, 2009
P.S. asks from Lewisville, TX
6 answers

My mother in law passed away 4 1/2 years ago suddenly from a massive stroke caused by her severe obesity, she was too large for the scales, but the drs approximated her weight at 600 lbs. Though she has passed away, she is not forgotten in our home. My children, her only grandchildren, know they have too grandmothers, my mom and their grandma who lives in Heaven. We have pictures around the house of her and speak of her often. My husband and I work to keep her memory alive because we feel the children deserve to remember her also. They were very young when she died, 9 months and 4 years. My father in law is in their lives regularly, he comes to help with childcare on a weekly basis. He too tells the girls stories of their grandma. I think overall four years later we are all doing well.

Until birthdays and Christmas come around and we receive cards from her sister, Auntie from out of state. It is obvious she is not over the death of her sister and that she blames those here for her death. The most recent card reads "Remember the first stage is forginging yourself, because your mom forgave you a long time ago!!" My father in law said he received a similar card again this year.

Should I call or write to Auntie, we have a good relationship over the past 10 years I have been in the family, and assure her we are fine. We do not blame ourselves, we have accepted that MIL died of her own fear of going to the doctor. Do I let her know the grandchildren know of their grandmother, she is spoken of often and in a loving way. Or do I let her continue blaming us for her sisters death? Obviously, she is stuck in the grieving process. I feel for her, they were very close and spoke weekly often even daily though they were far apart.

Thanks in advace,
P.

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I have decided to wait until May, MIL's birthday, wedding anniversary and mothers day are all in the first half of May. I will send her a letter, family pictures and probally the tear necklace to gently update her on the status of our family.

More Answers

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K.P.

answers from Dallas on

She may still be grieving but after 4.5 years she needs to quit blaming yall and deal with the fact that from the sound of it her sister caused her own death. I would personally not let it go anymore it has been long enough, she may need to seek some counceling in order to deal with it. I do think it is great that yall are not letting her memory die. My daughter shares a birthday with my husbands grandfather who died less than a month before her birth (she was special in that she is the first girl in their family for 5 generations) and we are trying our best to keep him involved as part of our children's lives in his absense. I hope we can keep it going as long as you have and longer.

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J.D.

answers from Dallas on

I think out of concern for her, you might ask her what is going on. Maybe she needs to feel forgiveness and cannot get it off her mind. Handle it in a comforting manner to her and see if you can get her to let go.

You know, you might purchase her a tear.
http://www.generousgems.com/p/miscellaneous-jewelry/senti...

GL!

T.E.

answers from Dallas on

I suspect that she isn't actually blaming you, but trying to give you the assurance that she needs so bad. She is probably blaming herself, as so many times we do.

I would talk to her about it and tell her that you guys are okay and are keeping her love alive through good stories about her to your children, etc.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

I would respond in a card, not the phone. Describe your thoughts just as you eloquently and graciously wrote them here. I think that would be a gift to her and give her some peace.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

Since she lives out of state, I wouldn't address the issue with her at all. I would just put the cards out of sight so the children wouldn't see them.

S.M.

answers from Dallas on

I think you have been very sensitive in describing the situation to us, I would use that same sensitivity with her and ask he not to discuss it in ways that the kids would/could ever see or hear, that you understand her concerns and she is welcome to discuss them with you and your husband, but that it needs to be in private correspondence or in person so that the children are protected from the "situation" if she can't be understanding then it is best to protect your children from any adults that play the blame game.

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