Do I Have a Right to Be Upset? Boyfriend Question...

I hope that he doesn't ask you to pick up all his other expenses if he chooses to buy this car. I've seen so many situations like that. A guy makes a bad decision and then expects his gf to pay for everything else and if you break up, you end up suing him for all the money you lost.

Be wise.

M.

As his girlfriend, you have the right to be upset. However, When there is a ring on your finger....then, and only then, will you have a SAY in what he does.

Yes, it is reasonable to be upset. That said, I think that a man who will make car payments that will leave him strapped for cash is not exactly a mature and responsible fellow. And, unless you have actually SERIOUSLY discussed marriage with him, it is likely that whatever your opinion on the car is will not make an impact on him.

Do you see yourself sitting at breakfast with this man in 40 or more years? If your immediate answer is not YES, then you need to step back and do some serious thinking about what you want. From what you've written, it seems like you've got some stuff to sort out for yourself. Look into your heart, and the answers will come.

I would be upset--but not for the reasons you cite.

I would be upset b/c his decision and your reaction shows a few things:

1. He is possibly irresponsible with his money.
2. If you depend on him for vacations and nice dinners, you need to prioritize the use of your own money!
3. You are dating this guy--not married. I don't think you really have any say in how he spends his money.
4. He may want to stay in the "dating mode" forever. If you're OK with that it's not a problem, If you're not OK with that--the decision speaks volumes about his intention.
5. It would be unwise to hook your wagon up to a star that is oblivious to good money management.

Good luck!

;

Sure, you're entitled to your feelings.

Since you are not married to him, you have no say in how he spends his money. And if he really is going to make such an irresponsible purchase, do you really want to be with him?

It is technically his business and you have no say. However, since money issues are the number one cause of divorce you really need to consider his spending habits when deciding if you really want a future with him. If he is irresponsible with his money, you will have some real ongoing problems long term.

Hi S.,
You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with this guy. You have invested more than a year in this relationship...you deserve to know where it is heading. Tell him about your hopes and desires (to get married and have a family) and then tell him about your concerns (your combined income is barely enough to start a family and now he wants to buy a car that would take up all extra $). Ask him point blank if he wants to get married and start a family (with you). You have every right to now where he stands. Either he really doesn't want your relationship to go further or he is in complete denial about how this car is going to affect his financial situation.
Good luck!

The reason to be upset isn't that you won't be able to go out to dinner or on vacation... but for the reasons that that would be so. Do you REALLY plan on having a future with a man who behaves like a 17 yr old that buys things beyond his means because he can afford the payment on it? Either he is unbelievably ignorant, or he hasn't grown up yet.

I would discuss the logistics of what a "smart" car buying venture might look like... but you really have no place starting an argument about his spending habits. If you can't open his eyes through an adult conversation about smart buying (buy a used low mileage vehicle, preferably with cash- yes, save up for it!-, as cars are not investments but DEpreciate in value as soon as you buy it) then you need to evaluate if this man is the right man for you.

As I've heard many times... as soon as you max out your budget leaving no room for anything to go wrong, "Murphy" moves in with you. As in "Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." Has he ever met "Murphy"? Has he ever been laid off from a job? Has he ever gotten sick, maxed out his sick leave? Ever had a death in the family and needed to buy a plane ticket? Ever had a washing machine die with a load of wet dirty clothes in it? Ever had a toothache? Broken a tooth? All of these things could happen easily enough without him doing anything wrong to "cause" them, but still cost him a pretty penny. And they happen every day to people across the nation. Does he have ANY money saved up for an emergency? He needs to save up for the car he wants... Maybe suggest he "pretend" he DID buy the car, and save up the same amount as the car payment for the next 3 months. At least that way, if he goes forward with it (with you or without you) he'll have a little bit of a down payment. IF he actually can afford to set that money aside each month, he'll be ahead of the game. If he doesn't (my bet) then he'll realize he can't afford it before he is stuck with it and upside down and can't get out from under it--- it'll depreciate at LEAST $3,000 when he drives it off the lot.

I have a not quite 5 yr old car. It has 180,000 miles on it. It still drives great, but the mpg aren't that great. BUT. BUT, if I were to buy a replacement vehicle to save $ on gas (with better mpg's) I'd be spending $300/m minimum on a car payment, plus increased insurance costs.... I wouldn't make that up on my gas savings. So not a smart move right now. Those payments are NOT a fact of life. It's a shame so many people in America nowadays think that they are.

He is going to buy that car no matter what you think....it's a guy thing. Guys like their toys. What you should not do is now paying for everything like eating out, movies, The"can-you-pay-my-insurance-I-am-flat-broke" loan, the "my-cell-is-about-to-get-cut-off-I-need-$50" bill, you get the pic.

As a guy, I wouldn't say you have the right to be upset. Just think about the short time the 2 of you have been together. If you haven't noticed how he set his minimal goals compared to your relationship, cut your losses. For all you know, he'll be ordering takeout right from his car and give up his apartment just so he can be 6 months in advance. Bottom line, live your life with someone else or enjoy it otherwise.

I think you realize, on some level, that this is a red flag for you in this relationship. He's obviously not thinking about a future together -- plus, when there was an opportunity to splurge on a get-away in the Fall, you both "agreed" it wasn't prudent. So, he'd rather blow money on a hot car, and not a hot week/weekend with you? I think you know the bigger answer here -- you two don't seem long for the same, shared path. UNLESS this episode is something that enables you two to have a frank discussion about your relationship and likelihood for long-term commitment. One other thing I thought as I read your posting -- at about a year together for most couples, it's been my observation that they're going to have "the talk" about whether they see a future together -- so, you're right on track, completely normal to be evaluating, questioning. Ultimately, it's not so much the money, as much as it is the the priority(ies) that drive his spending. You should be at #1... You both should be #1 to each other. Good luck.

A car will last only a number of years, a relationship is a lifetime. Anyone buying a car with a 6 year note on it is not being smart with their money. He will pay several times the actual cost of the car and have nothing to show for it, because the car will depreciate so much. The both of you (everyone, actually) would benefit from attending a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. Google it and enroll. It will change your lives for the positive in so many ways. If he is so intent on buying this car now, what will your relationship be later on? Cars are not good investments. The investment needs to be focused on your long term relationship... Good luck and don't be afraid to walk away.

You or a car...what's the question?

My only observation is that if he's going to be that strapped by the monthly payments even with the car loan being spread over SIX YEARS, then he really, really cannot afford this car. If you see yourself having a future with this guy then you need to start talking about how you each handle finances, and get on the same page.

OMG are you dating my best friends boyfriend or something? She tells me the same sort of thing about her relationship. They both have jobs but to do the fun things they want to do, they need to both contribute, which means when one person goes off and makes such a long term commitment to something like a car, it makes the other person think about the others priorities. I can tell you one thing, he isn't thinking about the future the same way you are. If you think this guys is the one, you might want to think about how a relationship with him would be like where he makes important decisions without discussing it with you. Right now you're not married, so if he wants to blow a ton of money on a car, it's his choice, but I'm sure you're hurt that he isn't talking about the decision with you. If you're thinking about marriage within a couple years, you should talk to him about that. He might be thinking more like 6 to 8 years. Do you really want to date someone that long? This is a good time for you to evaluate your relationship and think hard about if this is the type of guy you want to marry. I hope deep down you already know the answers to these questions but if not, take some time for yourself to get there.

You need to sit down and talk with him about this. If you aren't comfortable doing that, then you need to get out of this relationship. You can't make him NOT buy the car he wants. If he is buying it regardless of what you think, then he isn't invested in your relationship.
Honestly, if it were me, I would be very wary of a man who puts a car before a relationship. This is a big red flag. I would rather have a man who saves his pennies and manages his finances in a positive way, not a egotistical way. Good luck, whatever you do.

Did he ask your opinion on the subject OR are you trying to control him? I'm not saying you are a controlling person but have you had conversations of marriage? If so, you might want to "remind" him of this factor but in the end he is going to do what he wants to do and if you make a big stink about it then he might just feel like you are a controlling freak!
Quite honestly you are just a gf, not a wife, not even a fiance at this point and I am not trying to be mean about it but technically you have no right to control his decisions. You can tell him your opinion about the matter for sure but don't threaten him to try and get what you want. It's all about priorities sister and if you sit down and talk to him about your future and your opinion on the financial strain and he still goes out to do it-well then you have your answer. His priorities are somewhere else honey and then you have even more of a decision to make.......look I'm speaking from experience. I married and am still married to a man that has his priorities screwed up and I was too young and blind to see all the "warning" signs. Don't get yourself caught up into the same situation as I am in....believe me you are just setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. I thought he would grow up and change but two kids later and a huge debt ratio I am stuck where I am at. He won't change-and don't think you can change him either. I know you love him but sometimes love can be blind and this to me I would take as a warning sign for sure that his priorities are not with me and certainly not for building a future with me either that is if he chooses to do this AFTER you kindly "remind" him of what your plans are. Men don't think that far ahead.....that's why God invented the woman-lol!

Run! Run while you can! This is a serious sign that you two are not compatible and could lead to major fights down the road. There are some people who are content having fabulous cars, flat-screen t.v.s in every room, and designer clothes and then coming home from work and doing nothing. Personally, I would rather drive an older car and shop Salvation Army but be able to buy gifts for friends, go out to eat on the weekend, and take my kids to a waterpark every now and then. I actually broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years and him purchasing a pricey car was the icing on the cake. I'm so thankful I did ~ God brought my husband into my life and we are so unbelievably compatible. Life only gets harder with kids, health, mortgage, etc. Make sure you are getting married to someone who has a head on their shoulders and has the same life values as you.

Your boyfriend isn't thinking of a future with you at all. If you haven't talked marriage and children with him, it isn't even on his radar screen. Believe me if you aren't a priority now, it will be even worse if you two get married. I would definitely have a heart to heart talk with him about this. If you can't communicate about the important stuff now, this relationship is doomed. If he still buys the car, I would think long and hard about continuing this relationship. Sorry but he is not a great guy.

Men and their cars.

Well, it does sound like he needs a reality check. I mean, my husband would love to go out and buy a BMW M5, and I know he totally fantasizes about it, but ultimately his priority is our family's financial well-being, so the M5 just sits on the dealer's lot taunting him while he drives a Ford with 150,000 miles on it! LOL

I think if your boyfriend goes through with buying this car after you have calmly and rationally brought your concerns to him, then you have a huge insight into what his priorities are right now. You may not like it, but... those are his priorities. Better to learn this now than after you're married, right?

As a possible compromise, could he purchase this same car model, but 2 years old? Most cars only cost half as much, but are still under warranty once they are a few years old. He could still get the car he wants but maybe that would bring it within his budget. Just a thought.

Have you talked about your future together?

Living beyond your means is not a good thing. It sets you up for future financial fall at some point or another because you can't keep it up.

One key thing we live by and teach our daughter is delayed gratification. If it is worth it, you can wait until the best time to make a purchase with CASH. We are believers in no debt and saving for the future like crazy. That said, it does not mean we don't have toys and nice cars. That just means that when we get the nice things, they are paid for and we don't put ourselves in a financial crunch for a car or toy.

I would be concerned if I was seriously considering marriage to him.

I read your request as a genuine concern about his financial maturity. Yes dinners and vacations are nice as long as you don't go into debt to do it and they can be stopped immediately if a financial crunch occurs. However, a 6 yr note on a dream car is not going away, nor will the expenses of keeping that car up the way it should be (tires, etc), insuring it, etc.

The best thing you can do with your BF is to make sure you communicate. if you two can't communicate, maintaining a relationship will be harder. We've been together 25 yrs and communication and weekly dates are critical.

Best wishes.

I would just like to say that men definitely do not think like women do, and while we are here imagining our wedding day and cute babies, they are picturing beer and cars and all things manly. :-) Ok, not all of them, but seriously he might not be picturing your future, which is why he is not weighing the options of this car situation. If you two have talked about staying together forever and kids and what not, then by all means bring it up. If you've never discussed children and marriage, then it might be awkward because he might be on a different page then you. However, he might just be impulsive like me and want to say " what the heck, ya only live once. Lets spend the next six years shoveling out most of my paycheck on a car". ( I was in that situation myself and hated it ).
You are right to think of your future, and it is a big decision because it will affect his ability to provide as a husband. Talk to him about it .

My only question is-
Do you really know his finances? I say this, because, my husband is the BIGGEST TIGHT WAD you will ever meet, but, he buys his toys! Meaning, he's always talking about being broke, how he doesn't have money, etc., but, if you saw the bank account, you would know better. And, when it comes to buying something he wants, he will gripe, moan, etc., about how he is going to be broke, but, he is going to get it. When, in reality, it will set him (us) back a little, but, yes, we can afford it just fine. Now, a year and 2 months into our relationship, I would have not known that. A decade, a house, and 3 kids together, I know that now. So, when he starts telling everyone "he's broke and can't do something," I know it really just means that he is trying to not spend. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you. I just also want to add, until you two do have a commitment of sharing a household, he is entitled to do whatever he wants with his money. So, if you don't think he is going to give you a future, you might want to reconsider if you want to stay with him. Sorry. :(

I can see being worried about him spending lots of money on a car, especially if you were expecting to marry him in the seminear future. However, you are not married and it is his money not yours collectively.

My hubby says you're right. He should be thinking of finances first and he's going to buy a car that he can't afford and will most likely be having to give up b/c he can't afford it.
If he's thinking of a future, then you guys should sit down and figure out a budget and talk about common goals.

He not only is not thinking about a future with someone else and/or a family in the future, but he's not being very realistic with the way the economy currently is. Most people are trying to eliminate their debt so that when things get even tighter--it's predicted that taxes are going to rise 52% to start paying for ObamaCare, and that's going to impact everybody--they don't lose everything. He needs to look at and start living within his means. Just because he likes the car does not mean he can afford OR that he needs it. There are wants, and then there are needs. The wants are usually what get people into trouble and into debt way over their heads.

Are you living together? Do you share the expenses? Or is he living with you and you're paying all the bills? If he does go ahead and buy the car (against your wishes), is he prepared to get a second or even a third job to help bring extra money into the household, since he's the one who's adamant that he needs this car? Or does he expect you the carry him and pay for everything?

Believe me, things are going to get a lot, lot worse before they get better. Those who are going to pull through these tough economic times are those people who can put the shiny toys on hold and learn to live within their means.

And as someone else mentioned, if you haven't sat down with him and talked frank talk about where your relationship is going, if there's a future with the two of you in it, and what your--and his--expectations are money-wise, then you're heading for lots of hurt down the road.

Trust me. I'm going on 13 years of marriage, and money issues is the one thing that is always, always there. We don't buy anything expensive but we're still barely left with any money--and that's after the bills are paid.

Buying something as expensive as a new car and then having no money/wiggle room left over after paying for it/the bills--he's letting that shiny new car cloud his judgment on what is the right thing to do. Is he going to go dumpster dumping for his food? Go to the Salvation Army for his clothes and other goods, because he can't afford anything once he pays his car bill (and let's NOT forget that his car insurance will probably go way, way up. Has he checked into how much auto insurance is going to cost him on that shiny new car? Has he looked into how much four new tires will cost for this new car? How much this particular car brand/model will cost him for various repairs? What is the gas mileage on it? Will he save gas money, or will he spend even more on gas to drive it?)?

It sounds like he needs to do a lot more homework before he brings that shiny new car home. And if he refuses to talk or listen to you when you point out the above facts, then I'd say it's time to move on. You don't need his poor money management to drag you down with him. Because once you're married, his debt is your debt. Better to learn now that he can't handle it.

Run while you can sweetie!!! This is a man that will never have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. He lives for the moment and doesn't think about the future and in this day in age you have to plan for tommorow. My cousin was married to a man like this and while they were living check to check with 2 kids he was worried about new cell phones, tattoos, fixing up his truck,...etc. Please run while you can!!

I'd be upset as well and have been in your shoes. It needs to work for everyone. I hate to say it, but he seems to be thinking only about himself in this instance. Good luck!

Sometimes I get to thinking I want something and the momentum builds and it's all emotional. If I stop to think about it, it is probably not goal oriented at all. When I see how it will interfere with my goals, I can set it aside easily. Maybe he needs to sit down and think about what he wants for his future. If his immediate desires interfere with that, they are not worth it.

Hi S.,

I was in that position many years ago. I had an AWSOME! Car, brand new Mustang rag top! But between my payments & rent, I had $0.00 left, and if I ever had an issue, like needed tires, I couldn't afford it.

Instead of telling your boyfriend it's too much & he won't be able to do this & that with you, ask him how we'll afford tires, oil changes and other emergencies that pop up. It may help him think.

The last car I bought was not as cool, but I could afford it. I feel much more secure having a car that I can afford, instead of a car that will bankrupt me.

Another question for him, is this car worth possibly ruining his credit score in this day & age?

R. Magby

I agree it's a big warning flag. I wish I had your wisdom to realize that people get worse behavior when stressors crop up after marriage. If this is his best side now, I would reconsider the 'great guy' status.

Have you asked him about it? How does he look at the situation and the number crunching? How open is he to your feedback? If he gets upset, consider this another flag on your future interactions.

If you do think he's worth it and trainable (tee hee), consider some marriage training. Look into "Hold me Tight" by Sue Johnson or the Gottman institute website. This way you'll start a precedence of addressing issues when they're NEW and TINY. How wonderful is that?

I agree with Bethany C. and Bridgett B.