Do I Continue?

I know exactly what you are going through... I lived it a few years ago with my ex- mother in law.

In her eyes, its not that you are doing everything wrong its that she is use to doing everything herself so she will keep doing it herself. You are dammed if you do... dammed if you don't. What I did was I stopped doing everything and let her crazy self do it all. I felt really bad, but I was so tiered of her making me feel useless. Then I had time to consentrate on the important things like taking care of my baby.

I think you should aternate, clean up every few days and let her worry about the rest. Either way she is going to go back and do over. Don't let this get to you, you will end up disliking her. She is old and will not change her ways.

Hello L.,
yes continue - you have to understand that is her house and it does not matter who is doing the cleaning she feels she has to do it- like a routine. When you get older and have a place, you will do the same thing when your children clean. Don't even say anything just continue because once you stop then you will hear about it.

perhaps this has always been her role, this is what she has done for x amount of years. Although the house may be clean she may need to do this as it is apart of how she decomprses from work and life. If i were you I would not quit doing it becuase while she may say nothing it could be a huge relief for her that it is not an overwhelming task, esp with extra people int he house. She may need to go through the motions of cleaning but may emotionally be greaatful she does not have to feel burdened by the task. just a though.

L.,

Did you know that the chinese language symbol for trouble is two women standing under one roof? They're not kidding.

Your mother-in-lasw has taken care of that house, and your husband, for most of her life now. Now, he's a grown man with a wife to care for him, and now the girl is taking over caring for her home, too! Talk about feeling replaced.

You do need to talk to her about it, but when you do, try to put her in the driver's seat. I'll admit this isn't going to beasy on your ego. Let her know how grateful you are that she allows your family to live with her, and how happy you are to be there. Tell her that since she works so hard all day, you feel like taking care of the housework is the least you can do to help out and pull your weight. That it's really important to you to contribute to your household. Tell her that while you haven't been doing it as long as she has, you're trying really hard (told you it was going to be rough on the ego), but you can't help noticing that she re-does what you've cleaned. Ask her, "what am I doing wrong?" "I really want you to not feel like you have to re-do it all, because then you're not making her life any easier, and you really want to.

This is pretty much going to be a suck-up session, to make her feel like she's still on top in her family structure. When you spend so much of your life at the top of that pyramid, how do you think it must feel to think you're getting knocked aside?

Hi L.,
Just do your thing girl. Mothers in law are not always agreeable.
As long as she doesn't critisize you, go ahead and make that house shine.
Good luck.

could she possibly have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder)? a family friend is like that. it's not necessarily that someone else isn't doing a good enough job, it's just that things have to be EXACTLY a certain way for them. just a thought :)

The best thing to do in this situation - and sometimes the hardest thing - is to communicate. Since you seem to adore her, talk with her. "Oh, I just vacuumed, did I miss something?" It doesn't have to be an argument. Sometimes, people have very particular ways they want things done... while you live in her house, ask what these are. She's bound to be touched that you are so eager to please. If she's not, she's impossible to please and your frustrations are likely to continue.

Also, I'd rather be frustrated that I keep trying to please and she's impossible. It would be much worse if you stopped trying. It gives her an argument...she might feel as though you're lazy, or don't want to help. Don't let it get to that! Ask her "How would you like me to help out? What are the house priorities today?" She'll love your help if it's done her way, I'm sure of it. Good Luck! M-I-L is a tough relationship, but a necessary one. We all have one!

I would say talk to her. Just tell her the things you clean each day, and ask her if it ok, or if she would rather let her do it. Tell her you hate to see her come home and clean after such a long day, and that she deserves to sit and relax. She may just be coming home and grabbing the vaccuum out of habit, or maybe it is a sort of stress relief for her. I have a friend who is very anal about the way things need to be in her house, and when we visit, she actually prefers that we do not clean up since she would just go and redo it after we left. I'm sure your MIL is just very particular and not at all unsatisfied with your cleaning!