Do Any of You Have a MIL That Keeps Asking When You Are Going to Have More Kids?

I LOVE my MIL... but yeah, she wants us to have one more. I just tell her I'll have one when she does, and we can be preggers together ;) She's only 45, and she knows I'm dead serious. So yeah, no more babies :)

Next time she asks when you're going to have another baby, refuse to answer. Respond with something completely off the baby topic, like, "So, how about them <insert favorite sports team>?" Do this EVERY time she brings up the subject.

I think you need to speak with her privately and tell her what you just told us. Invite her out for lunch and just tell it to her straight. Tell her how much it hurts your feelings when she does that. Remind her that even if you did get pregnant that the chance of having a girl is still 50 - 50...
LBC

I understand her wanting another grandkid, but it sounds like she's just not listening to you.
I might tell her, "You know.....I've heard that stressing and worrying about trying to get pregnant and being under pressure about it can be a sure-fire way to make it even more difficult. Maybe this is something we just shouldn't bring up so much."
If she misinterprets that you're trying, just respond again that maybe it's something that shouldn't be brought up, please.

It's worth a try.

Soon after my ex MIL asked that question, her son went and got a vasectomy. : ) That's how we dealt with it.

But with my 2nd husband... my ex MIL got her 'wish'. :P She's still very much family and she was ecstatic when she found out I was pg again... During the process of divorcing her son. LOL!!! Like she said, 'This might not be by blood, but it's still her grandbaby!!!'

If it were me i'd just say "We'll let you know when we're ready" repeat. Often there's no reasoning with someone like that. You don't owe her an explanation and anyway, giving her an explanation only opens the door for her to try and convince you that you are wrong.

This dear lady obviously has issues, and they are landing feet-first on you. Nevertheless, her feelings are her own business, and your feelings are your own business. You won't ever be able to control what she does with her thoughts, but you can practice changing your own.

The emotional strain you are feeling is your own, and you have accepted this burden because you're a nice person who wants to make other people happy. (I'm experienced in this myself, having been for most of my 60+ years one of the world's biggest pushovers.) In an attempt to ease your MIL's feelings, you give her your reasons and explanations. Interestingly, this doesn't help her. It just gives her brain more stuff to sort through while she's frantically searching for a thread of hope that her dreams will be fulfilled. Through you.

You didn't marry to fulfill your MIL's dreams. Your bond was/is with your husband, and now your own child. They are counting on you to be the strongest, healthiest wife and mother you can be, and it sounds like you are pretty clear about what will work best for you. Now, it's wonderful to be nice and make people happy, and most of us (especially girls) are taught from the cradle to be peacemakers, and people-pleasers. That doesn't mean our own needs aren't just as valid, and must sometimes supersede the needs and wishes of others.

So, here's a manner of phrasing your own decision and needs in a way that I have found extremely powerful: Acknowledge the wishes of the other, use the connecting word "AND," and express your own need or decision. Keep your voice even and friendly (practice in front of a mirror or with a friend). This shows tenderness and respect for the other person, and proceeds to set it on the same level as tenderness and respect for yourself. ("BUT" doesn't do that – it suggests you are tossing the other's request overboard, and is more likely to actually hurt feelings.)

So you might end up saying something like "MIL, I do hear how very, very much you'd like us to have another child whom you can love as much as Donny. I appreciate your connection with him. AND, you know, having another baby just does not work for us."

Resist at all cost the strong urge you'll feel to list out your reasons again. That didn't work before, and it won't work in the future. The phrase "…that will not work for us/me" says everything you need to say, without opening the discussion to further wheedling or argument.

If she repeats her wishes, or asks you "but why," the kindest (in the long run) thing you can do is repeat your position, calmly and clearly. If she starts to cry, touch her arm or shoulder tenderly and say something like "I know this disappoints you."

And then leave it. It's her business to make peace with reality in her own way – nobody else in the world can do that for her. Next time she drags that elephant along, you don't have to allow it in 'your' mental space. To keep trying to do so simply feeds that poor, starving elephant, encouraging it to keep struggling along.

My daughter has the whole paternal side of her family trying to talk her into more kids. Her little boy, now 5, is a treasure. But she knows her limits, stands firm, and all that urging has begun to dwindle. I would never presume to urge her to have more (though I'm sure I'd find them a delight).

My brother asked me several times and the last time I told him, "I'm not sure but if you want, we can send you the memo if and when we start trying again." It sends the message that this is a private matter but not in a way that is rude or hurtful but really light-hearted. By the way, he has not asked me since. If he should though, I will just tell him that the memo hasn't come out yet. :) LOL

My MIL wanted me to stop having kids. Had four 3, 2, 1 yo and newborn!
All planned. Wanted them close. I would sit and talk to her one and one
and explain to her tha t it upsets you when she keeps asking. Tell her
it is non-negotiable. She is to end the discussion right then and there.
Tell her she will be the first to know if and when you decide to have another.
I would keep my visits with her short.

All MILs do this ...

I went to dinner at their house one night, ate ALOT of food. Then when we told them that we had news to tell them, they said in front of whole family, (8 people) 'we know what it is Meg is pregnant!'... um. i'm pretty sure i'm not! You were just eating like a pig! .... um. no. I'm just a pig! ... the news is that we are moving across the street, but thanks for busting that bubble...

Mine did, and I told her she was more than welcome to pop another one out herself if she wanted a baby around....

I eventually had another baby, on God's timing, and then I had my tubes tied. So now when anyone asked I say, 'sorry, I'm signed and sealed!'

Whatever you choose, whenever you choose, let it be for you and your family, not your MIL. Having a baby to shut up a family member is never a good reason.

M.

Don't explain any reasons why you can, won't or don't want to have children right now. Simply smile and say "Thanks for your concern" then change the subject to something more meaningful.

Hi Rae,

I am sorry this is happening to you! I can relate! I have a MIL too that is really pushy about another baby especially a baby girl. she asks me every time i see her. I would consider writing her a letter and telling her how you feel. Tell her that you know she wants another baby in the family but its way too much pressure and really not her business for her to decide if and or when you and your husband decide to have another baby. Tell her that if she respects you as her daughter in law, she will leave you alone about this issue. tell her if and when you decide to have another, she would be one of the first people to know-but if its to happen at all, she has to back off big time. stress isn't good for anybody. GL

M

Sounds like your mother-in-law has a lot of love to give. Maybe she could volunteer with children somehow? Here are a couple of ideas:
1. Call her and tell her you need to talk to her about something important. When she comes over, tell her (AGAIN, I know) how upset this pressure and talk is making you. Tell her it's making your son feel like he's second fiddle to a baby that may never be. Tell her you love her and it hurts YOUR feelings because you know what she wants but you're not ready to have more kids right now. Tell her it makes you feel like you're disappointing her and how much it hurts. Don't be light and playful. Be very serious, maybe even cry a little bit yourself.
2. If you want to, tell her you're trying to get pregnant. It's not like she's in the bedroom monitoring you, right? I know it's not the honest approach but it might get her to back off a little.
3. Tell her that every time she asks you about it, or talks to someone else about it, you call your pharmacy for a refill on your birth control. And will continue to do so. So her only hope for another grandbaby is to stop talking about it.
4. Remind her that if you did get pregnant, she might get another grandSON. 50/50 chance, after all.
I don't understand how people can be so pushy about such a personal choice!!

Ha! My mother-in-law told me after kid number 2 that she hoped we were done. How nice! And then when #3 came along she asked if we were finally done. WOW! Not that she doesn't love them, it's just not her thing I guess. But she lives 2000 miles away and only sees the kids once every two years really. And I'm okay with that.

Well, she obviously is not listening to you, so I would have her son, your husband speak with her.. He needs to include "drop the subject mom.."

It is very rude for her to continue with this, when you have explained way more than is her business.

Tell her exactly what you just told us.