DNA Doesn't Equal Dad

While my son does not have special needs, I too required that his oft absentee father develop a relationship with him before taking him for the night or on vacation. I required a phone (heck I even provided one), a regular schedule, and adherence to my son's allergy and asthma medication regimen.

Me Ex responded by complaining that there were too many rules and that I was keeping him from seeing his son. He complained to co-workers, mutual friends, and his family. He continued to complain while I offered solutions and tried to facilitate their relationship.

Ultimately, the requirements that needed to be in place to ensure my son's well being while with his father were used by his father as excuses not to see his son. Nothing I asked was unreasonable, medication and phone - but, it turns out, he was been pressured by his family and friends to see his son, he really didn't want to see his son, and used these things as a way to excuse himself from seeing his son.

My advice is to stick to your plan. Your child's welfare is most important and having him stay with someone who does not understand, and seems unwilling to understand, his special needs and ensure his well being, no matter who that person is, should just be a no go.

Have your son's therapist write a letter outlining your son's needs and the limitations that must be placed on developing personal relationships in order to ensure not only his well being, but that the relationship can develop. Write out your son's schedule, dietary requirements, and routines. Propose the day visits, include dates. Send it all, via certified mail, to you Ex. Paper trails are good things. Put in writing that you want your son to have a relationship with his father but that he (the father) needs to be well versed in how to care for his son.

I don't know what type of child support/custody agreement you have in place. But you may want to consult your attorney also. If your Ex has court ordered visitation, you must ensure that you honor the terms of the agreement - however, if you have due cause for concern about your child's welfare when with his father you need to get advice from your attorney. It may be that you need to re-visit your agreement and have some sort of care classes included in the agreement for your Ex.

DNA does not equal responsible parenting. While I agree that all children should have the opportunity to develop relationship with both their parents, we must, as the custodial parents, ensure their well being during the process.

Good Luck
God Bless
Give your son a hug from me

EDIT: Stick with the terms of your divorce - supervised visitation until, and only if ever, you feel comfortable leaving your son alone with him. You are doing the right thing.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say I 100% agree with you and you sound like an amazing mom! Good for you for wanting your child to know his father, but for almost realizing your sons' needs!! I think if it was ever an issue where he would want to go to court over it, you would have no problem with getting a judge to see why you want to do it your way.
(of course, I know NOTHING about how that kind of stuff works!)
Good luck to you!

Well, you didn't really have a question....

But I'd like to say, I think you are completely RIGHT, I hear your desire for the two of them to have a closer relationship. But your concerns are very valid.

I think you are making the right decision, and as hard as it is that you can't 'get along' with your ex, I REALLY hope you stick to your guns and follow the plan you've suggested here.

You're son is very lucky to have you as his advocate.

:)

i just wanted to say, in my experiance, this is a set up to alleviate his own guilt and make himself look like a good guy. It takes a lot of the guilt and pressure off of them when they get to say...hey, i tried, she wont let me see my kid. Its a cop out, but they go from 'dead beat dad', to 'you poor thing', and all they have to do is make a ridiculous request that no mom would ever go for. if you want to put a halt to it, the sure fire way is to call his bluff. He doesn't really want to take him for the weekend and is in no way equipped to. I would call his bluf. ok, buddy, this weekend sounds great, what time will you be here to pick him up? then wait for the stammering and back pedaling. even if he tries to go through with it, he'll be calling with some minor emergency (got called in to work, my mom needs me, etc) to bring him back early. Don't spend too much energy on this, guys always bite of more than they can chew.

Well, your ex needs to be educated about the nutritional needs of his son. I understand that you have concerns and I would also insist on phone minutes in the event he HAS to get in touch with you.
BUT--he does have a right to see and get to know his son.
You both need to communicate and work out a game plan that works all around.
I know my niece (who had her fiancé call off their wedding & move out before their son was born) had a LOT of anxiety about her ex just taking the baby for weekends, etc but the dad did just fine. And he had a right to have his time with the baby.

I agree with you 100% too. DNA doesn't = Dad. My ex wasn't a hands on full time Dad either in fact he moved from Michigan to Texas and didn't even tell me or say good-bye to his daughter who he adventually gave up all his rights to at his request so he didn't have to pay child support. He was gone for a really long time and she was just a baby he expected to just come up here and take her for a visit when she didn't know him. I went to court and he only got supervised with me for a long time. After I remarried he decided to give her up because she always begged and pleaded not to go with him even asked him to please let her stay with me but for him to come and visit she was terrified of him I know now why but that is another and long story. Stick to your guns and do what you feel is best for your son try to talk to the ex and explain you don't want to keep him away you just want him to be comfortable if that doesn't work then you might want to see a lawyer or someone at the courts. Good Luck

My thought is that maybe if "Dad" had him for even one night and is face to face with everything that your son needs to have... maybe he will back out on the whole overnight visits (or can i sound mean and hope that he'd vanish completely? sorry really don't have a big tolerance myself for absent parents, lol) But then again that's likely the worst thing you can do for your son even if it works to chase the Ex away for good.

However for your sanity... how about writing out your sons entire schedule and showing the ex? Use that as part of your explaination (in addition to his lack of consistency and the inability to easily reach him) as to why he can't have overnights with your son.

But I totally agree that dad should have a relationship, but only on your son's terms. And your son's needs demand the consistency, demands that his caregiver be someone familiar and stable in order for him to thrive and be happy. So set up "playdates" with son and his dad, explain to dad that after a few months then maybe you'll feel comfortable with letting him babysit for an evening to see how that goes and work with that until son is happy to go to dad's house... THEN you can start discussing overnight trips. If dad is going to be wishy-washy about all of that, then its probably better for your son that dad be missing. I think this is a situation where its better to have a missing parent then an unforgivable, purposely ignorant, AH of one.

Best of luck. Listen to your gut/instincts!

Ok, I have a suggestion for the phone/contact issue, the rest I am thinking you should have the courts assist in decisions (supervised visitation to start??) ... but on the phone/contact issue you can get a phone that goes with your son when he goes with anyone. Most phone companies offer an additional phone line for 10 a month, this phone does not need texting or anything like that and you should not need to add to your monthly min or anything. It could be equipped with GPS and other things if you feel it's needed this way when you son is with anyone but you anyone can get ahold of you or 911 as needed.

Well, in reality, DNA= rights...But it sure sounds like dad needs to get involved and understand all it takes to care for his son for more than a couple afternoons a month. Why not suggest he come to a Dr visit, a therapist visit, and a dietitian appt, and see what they have to tell him. Make sure they all have a heads up that dad needs to learn ALL it takes to care for this little boy with all his special needs including his personality and quirks. It all needs to be taken into account to care for him the way he needs. You probably had to be taught how to do everything for him also. Its only right that dad know the same things. Does dad know how to change the feeding tube, mix the food that goes into it, change his clothing, put him to bed, give medications, watch him so he doesnt run off, and understand his feelings about strangers and unfamiliar places? Id say it will take a good month or more to educate him so he is equiped with the skills it takes to care full time for his son. This isnt an easy job and he probably has no idea what it entails for you every day. Once he knows all this, you sound like youll be happy to share custody and let him experience fatherhood for a few days at a time. Im sure youd like the break from it too, but you wont rest for one minute if you dont feel secure in his knowledge of caring for the little guy. Im glad to see you want that relationship between them, but dad will need to prove his responsibility and committment first. Get your Drs and care staff on your side in writing and get dad in gear. Good luck and hugs to your son.

I agree with Tracy K. I think he's bluffing, although for the sake of your son I hope he's not. I hope that he's come around and wants to be a dad to his son. So my answer is going to assume that he does want to be a Real Dad.

The Dad hasn't had your son for any overnights and hasn't been in his life for more than a few moments here and there over the past six years. That means that The Dad has no real clue what Autism Spectrum Disorder is about, and he has no clue at all what living with Autism means in regard to his own son. He doesn't even know what an afternoon or a full day would be like, let alone a single overnight or a weekend.

He has no clue about the anxieties your son has. He has no idea about the transition issues, food issues, bed time issues, middle of the night issues, toileting issues, social issues, OCD, when he might go nonverbal, what might trigger a meltdown, how best to soothe him, whether or not to provide a sensory diet and how to do so, etc. And with an ASD kid, he won't have the luxury of a crash course because your son won't be able to "teach" him and verbalize what he needs. So you can bet that before an evening is over, you won't have to worry about reaching The Dad. He'll be calling you.

Or you could be proactive for your son. Get a three ring binder and fill it with notes and directions and routines. Fill it with lists of foods that your son likes. Fill it with lists of everything that your son likes. Make sure that The Dad is aware in that binder exactly what his morning, afternoon, and evening routines are.

Include his bedtime routine. Include his favorite topics and books. Have duplicates of his favorite toys and bedding at The Dad's home that he has at home so that he has things that are comfortable. If he has dietary restrictions or if he self-restricts, have the foods that he can eat and the brands he'll eat clearly listed in the binder. If he takes medications, have that clearly marked and visible in the front of the binder. I would even include what to do in case there's a fever and the phone number for the pediatrician. Things your son does that need to be watched out for and extra-supervised for.

I wouldn't do anything to sabotage The Dad because it would also sabotage your son. I wouldn't "call his bluff" because that wouldn't be fair to your son at all, so I would make sure that you send him with as much information as possible and whatever you forget, The Dad will have to learn on his own.

Make sure to include a notebook for The Dad to keep a journal over the course of the visit for questions and issues. That way when he does call you, and he will, he'll remember them exactly.