Divorcing Parents

Updated on September 26, 2011
P.T. asks from La Crosse, WI
8 answers

Hi all~
I was guided to this site by another mom who use to be a "regular" here, she said that maybe you all can help me and give me some insight on this.

My parents are divorcing after 35 years. At first they were doing it maturely and trying to be fair. Then they got lawyers "to protect themselves". Well now my dad is going after half of my mom's 401k, wants half of the house, wants her to pay for all his outstanding bills, $500 in alimony. Because she has had the same job for 18 years she has the 401k and she makes $2400 a month. Plus now she has to also keep paying his insurance. She has been paying the $600 house payments for the past two years since he moved out. He was supporting himself but them moved in with his parents to help them as they are aging. Even thou he is never there. Growing up he has never kept a job for more than a year or two. Barely ever worked summers so a parent was home with us kids. ( we had an older teen brother to watch us. and when we were teens and didn't need someone home) Always made an excuse as to why he had to quit a job... mom wanted him home on weekends to do family things or mom was jealous because he was working with females. Neither one of those were the case... mom would express her dislike on him working weekends because she wanted to do things as a family. But never made him quit because of it. She had to pay his lawyer $750. Because he can't afford it. He is making $1400 a month. Plus he doesn't pay anything at his parents house but when they went in for the alimony hearing, he said he is paying rent and all utilities. Mom said no he wasn't but they never made him show proof if he was or wasn't. But they have made my mom show all bank records for the past two years that they have been living apart. Now they are trying to also make my mom pay for bills that he racked up in the past two years since they have been living apart ( oh should add, that my dad moved out with no notice, took $1500 out of thier joint checking account even though he wasn't working at the time and has broke in through a window two times to remove more stuff and mom was told nothing could be done because they were married) . Plus my mom used her inharatance to pay off all the loans he had gotten for what ever reason ( two failed starting up jobs and a car). She paid off a credit card that he was using and hid it from her for two years. They said that couldn't be used because it was her inharentace money. But they are using it against her that she bought a new car with the money since his truck is over 10 years old. Plus he just sold a truck that they had while married, but it was in his name ( since he wasn't working mom didn't want to take off work to put it in both names) and they said there is nothing the can do. The divorce isn't final. The final hearing date isn't until Jan.

Is all of this fair and the way it works? Is there anything that my mom can do to change any of this even though the judge ruled on the alimony and that she has to pay his lawyer? Can she repeal it or is it done?

Thank you

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P.D.

answers from Detroit on

My mom went to divorce my father twice. The first time she had a weak attorney and things were in my father's favor entirely. They reconciled because she felt stuck and her self-esteem was probably in the gutter from being in a bad marriage for years. Anyway, when she went to divorce him the second time 10 years later, she got a good and more expensive attorney (I think it's a case of you get what you pay for) and the situation was tipped in her favor. She needs to get recommendations from several people who have been there and done that to get a new lawyer ASAP. No way would I accept a divorce process like this!

1 mom found this helpful

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

First of all, stay out of the drama! Both of these people are your parents. This was their marriage. If you get dragged into this, you are going to feel a responsibility for one or the other. It gets uglier than this.

Just a thought, If it was reversed would you be saying the same thing about your mom not working and now only making $1400 a month and needing someone to pay her attorney fees? Needing some sort of retirement?

There are a lot of moms that stayed home and took care of kids and refused to get jobs and expect their husbands to give them half of everything during a divorce.. Even when the husband wanted and needed his wife to get a job.

I am in no way taking sides, I am just letting you see this from the other side. The problem here is the basic.. there just is not much money to work with. It is what it is. So, your mom needs to make sure her attorney is protecting her interests, but also going to satisfy the court.

She needs to forget about keeping it all for herself, because that is not going to happen. She needs to make an offer to your dad and get this over with because the more they bicker over this, the more it is actually costing them in attorney fees.

Divorce is terrible and pulls families apart. There is your moms version, your dads version and each child's version and the truth is all swirled in there somewhere. I know this because my parents started their divorce when I was 10, it was not settled until I was 13. I am now 50 and still cringe remembering the awful feelings I had and the horrible things my parents said about each other. It took years to be able to go back to just having some peace with each of them.

4 moms found this helpful
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P.B.

answers from Spartanburg on

I had a horrible attorney who did nothing but taking my retainer...after a while he was doing nothing good for me, on the contrary, he was hurting my chances to win my case, not answering my phone calls etc..., I FIRED him and told him I would not pay the extra money he was asking for. The retainer I gave him was more than he ever deserved for what he had done...he kept sending letters asking for money, I kept ignoring him until he stopped (not before telling him that, if he hurt my chances to gain custody of my child, I woul have asked HIM for damages for thousands of dollars). She needs to fire him immediately and get another one who will actually do his job and help her.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

What kind of attorney does she have? Um...and why is she paying his attorney? Sounds like the scales are completely tipped unfairly. Either your Mom has a terrible attornery or she doesn't have a backbone..She needs to stop paying for his stuff period end of story. Look into that new attorney asap.

2 moms found this helpful

L.W.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with Lucky. She needs to get another attorney. The one she has isn't looking out for her as he/she should. Not fair to her at all. Good luck and I'm sorry that ya'll are having to go through this.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I agree: your mother needs to seek another lawyer.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Divorce hurts children, even when the children are grown up and on their own.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.P.

answers from New York on

It sucks, but she's the bread winner and he was her spouse for such a period of time that he is "entitled" to half of what they have. She should appeal the decision based on what he is or is not currently paying, but all of the "other stuff" regarding why he quit his jobs is really irrelevant and if his name was on the house, he didn't technically break-in nor did he "steal" from a joint account.

M.D.

answers from Dallas on

I'm not a lawyer or went through a divorce, but I think your mom needs a new one that is working for her. Not that you should be brought into it, but have you ever talked to your dad. I would encourage your mother to find another lawyer.

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