Divorce ( CA) Alimony Questions

Wow! Don't we hire a lawyer because they know about divorce an how to manage situations like these? I suggest you follow his advice. He's the best person to give you answers based on his training and experience. Every divorce is different. Answers you get here are based on the personal experience of the poster.

your soon-to-be ex-jerk has threatened you with indigence, but you're considering taking his advice over that of your attorney?

think about that for a minute.

khairete
S.

Mediation can be a great choice for couples who are equals and are exiting a fairly healthy relationship and both intend to do so on good terms.

This is not you.

Your husband is abusive. He knows how to manipulate you. He knows what buttons to push. He knows what will make you anxious and afraid enough to give him what he wants so that you can just end this, which won't be good for you. You're a para - most paras I know make a little over minimum wage and have poor benefits, if any - the pay scale for paras is a disgrace given the work that you do, but that's another topic. As a software pro, he has the experience to make a lot more than you and you should be able to get a portion of his income as child support and/or spousal support until the kids are grown and you make enough to support yourself. And if there is equity in the house and it's being sold, part of that is yours - if you really are in California, that's a community property state, which means that half of any property acquired in the marriage is yours. He doesn't get to pay out the proceeds of the house in place of spousal support.

There are firm guidelines for child support and he'll have to pay that according to your state's guidelines. Have this done via wage garnishment so the money comes straight to your bank account from his paycheck without having to rely on him deciding whether or not to pay you.

He doesn't get to decide whether or not he will pay you alimony or how he will pay it. Spousal support is more flexible and varies by state so it's hard for anyone who isn't in your state to share advice or experience. In my state, judges have more discretion over spousal support so there is room for negotiation but still, there are guidelines.

If I were you, I'd forget about mediation and go with a lawyer. Your lawyer and his can work with the two of you to come to terms that you all agree with. This is different from mediation because in a mediation, the mediator works for both of you. With attorneys, your lawyer works just for you and in your best interest and will educate you on what you have a right to. So your lawyers go back and forth, and if you can come to a fair agreement, that gets presented to a judge for approval. If you can't agree, some items will need to go before the judge for him or her to decide, which will require a trial. This gets very expensive and you might not like the ruling, so it's best to get something you can agree on if that's possible. If he refuses to even reasonable terms then you might have to go to trial but hopefully his lawyer and yours can help get to a reasonable agreement.

In the meantime, document anything that you think is related to your case (threats, abusive language) and ignore the rest of what he says. He doesn't get to call the shots anymore and that will make him angry. He can say whatever he wants, but he's not the law and he doesn't get to decide.

Good luck to you, and congrats on taking steps to end this abusive marriage. That is very difficult to do. There will be hard days during the divorce process (I lost a lot of sleep during mine) but the peace you get at the end is worth it.

This is not a site for legal advice.

But, it sounds like part of your question is for general advice - you are wondering if it is "worth it" to retain your lawyer (the lawyer who was previously free). If you continue working with the lawyer who has worked on your case all along, you avoid the extra headache of starting new with someone else. So if you have a good professional relationship with that lawyer, it would probably be good to try to continue working with that same lawyer...your situation sounds stressful enough without the added stress of explaining your whole story and background to a new person!

I just want to say MANY MANY congratulations for starting to get yourself out of this abusive marriage. In the long run, your children and you will be much better off. I remember your previous posts, and I want to acknowledge your strength in moving forward. I'm glad you DO have a job so you do not have to rely solely on your abusive ex paying child support.

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like your soon-to-be ex is continuing to try to control and manipulate you. It seems like you would benefit from having your own lawyer who is wholly committed to ensuring that you and your children will be okay financially and in terms of your mental safety. Mediation does not look like a good option, however maybe California has some form of mediation where each person has his/her own lawyer and you would be protected. See if your lawyer can explain the system better to you. But mostly, I'd suggest you re-read Diane B's post and J.B's post. They are in a different state from you, however their experience can be helpful to you. Do keep working with the domestic violence folks to find the support you need as you walk through this process. Lots of luck!

A Family law attorney can answer all of your questions. Do not talk to anyone else, especially your soon to be ex, about legal issues. Yes, a lawyer is well worth the money to protect yourself and your children. Please do not try to work out an agreement with your spouse. He does not have your best interest in mind. You have rights that he will not tell you about and that your friends do not know about.

Good for you for getting out of this.
Don't confuse alimony with child support.
He needs to pay child support for each child until each child turns 18.
That includes helping for college and health care until they age out of it or have their own.
Alimony is not based on the kids.
It might have a lot to do with how long the marriage lasted.
How ever - alimony does not typically last forever.

When my FIL divorced after 30 years of marriage (this was in NY)- of which his wife only worked 10 years (once she got pregnant she quit teaching and became a stay at home mom) - he had to pay 10 years worth of alimony - and then he was free and she had to come up with her own income.
Laws vary quite a bit from state to state.

As for a lump sum payment - it's risky.
A one time lump sum payment can disappear fairly quickly unless you are very careful about investing it.
You need to pick what ever option plans best for your future.
You are most likely entitled to part of his retirement / social security funds as well.
Examine each option and weigh the pros and cons of each carefully.

Do not mediate.
Do not talk with your soon to be ex.
Your lawyer will advise you what is in your best interest and what your rights are - and your lawyer talks to his lawyer. Period. End of sentence.

You need to be relying on your lawyer's advice and stop communicating/negotiating with your soon to be ex without the presence of your lawyer.

Lastly, why fight over alimony? Any agreements financially will only keep you tied to the person you are trying to get away from. How is it that you want to argue over financials over clearing the slate and getting out of a bad situation?

Personally, I would cut bait and let everything go in order to get an abuser out of my life. I would not be dilly dallying over money. Break ties, get a new job if you have to but get out, work on yourself and get healthy.

Don’t do mediation face to face over spousal support, this is a domestic violence situation. You need your attorney to handle this so he can’t manipulate you. He is cleverly devaluing you and your contributions to the family so he doesn’t have to pay you money. He is your enemy now. You declared war with the divorce. Don’t fall back into his abusive traps. Your number one priority is yourself and your kids. Don’t listen to anything he says..go through your attorney.

Half the house is yours! So he is really giving you a shitty deal saying he’ll give you half of what is rightfully yours. You are entitled to spousal support and your half of the the house. These are two different transactions. I am concerned that your attorney is even offering face to face, since this is a domestic violence case.

Spousal support it is taxable income. Unless you plan to get remarried quickly, monthly is the way to go.

For the Family court you both will need to provide tax returns. This is standard financial disclosure and you are entitled to his tax return every year.

For childsupport you can file immediately and do this by yourself really easy just like 5 forms, this is a separate division of the family court. You just need to start a case, they court will track him down and he will have to provide all his W-2.