Divorce or Separation?

You don't explain about the suicide attempt, and that is okay. I am betting he is an emotional and verbal abuser. Contact a domestic violence shelter or hotline and see what help is available to you.

When I started asking these types of questions in my marraige, I realized that the most important thing was to do my own healing. I knew that even if the marraige ended I would end up right back in a similar situation because ultimately it was all about me. Yes, I was married to an addict. However, I was completely codependent, had no boundaries, was severely depressed, had my own wounded heart, etc.

When I chose to stop focusing on my husband and started healing myself is when my world changed. It has also made all the difference to my children. Yes, we are divorced now. Yes, my children went through my depression, my anger, their dad's distancing, etc. We cannot keep our children from experiencing painful things. The important thing is that I have given my children the tools to deal with those things by giving myself the tools first. I learned about boundaries, communication, feeling my feelings, becoming aware of and questioning my irrational beliefs, self-care, releasing blame, etc. All of these things I have passed on to my children who are now teenagers (15,17,19). They each have their struggles, however, they are overall the most well adjusted teens you could meet.

I am constantly amazed at how vital healing our own selves can be. I have clients who started focusing on their own healing and in the process this allowed space for their husbands to heal as well.

As I healed myself, I gained clarity about whether to stay in my marraige, what to do next, where was I headed. I quit waiting for him to change, for myself to be strong enough, or for myself to be financially ready, etc. I simply looked at all the things I did have inside of myself and the resources I had outside myself and used what I had. I tried not to focus on what I didn't have. That wouldn't get me anywhere. I focused on outside resources such as friends, networking, journaling, therapy, books on everything from anger to boundaries, the coaching skills and college education I had with which to create a job, etc. However, I mostly focused on my internal resources such as tenacity, creativity, organizational skills, determination, self-care, questioning of the vicious voice, forgiveness, tenderness, anger, intelligence, knowledge, etc.

In the end, it isn't about love (I still 'love' my ex-husband). It is about health. It is about wholeness within yourself. It is about what is the best circumstance for everyone involved not just one individual. It is about the love you have for yourself that allows you to make healthy choices. It is loving your children enough to understand that they have within themselves the same types of rsources: strength, courage, creativity, imagination, etc. to deal with whatever life has to offer them.

Elle you need to HEAL Thyself. If your marriage is still around after that happens, wonderful. Stop thinking in terms of your husband exclusively keeping you unhappy, and think in terms of what YOU can do to get yourself healthy.

Peace to you Sista!

:)

Sounds like you think you should leave when I read between the lines and want advice to do so. If the relationship is not giving you joy and damaging your children, I would leave. Easier said than done since there are financial and insurance and physical requirements (moving) involved. Talk to family and friends and ask for help from them, and for your depression and your son's attitude you may also need professional help. No one should have to live in a situation where you feel like you are living a nightmare. It is possible to stay in a relationship where you do not love as much as you are loved back, but even that is difficult. If there is no love in one direction (or both) it seems pointless. Consider yourself hugged.

I am so happy to hear that you have decided to get out of this toxic relationship. I think a divorce would be best. A separation implies maybe you'll get back together again, which would be a horrible idea. I think it would be better for your son, too to know that this relationship is over for good.

I also think some counseling for you and for your son would be a good idea to help in the healing process. You've both been through a lot, but, as the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Blessings :)

Reading this, I honestly dont see that there is a question of what to do. You need to get out of this marrige. I usually dont say that, but this relationship is damaging all of you. You have to see that. Your son, is not happy, you said so yourself. He has no respect for the man you are married to, and your husband doesnt sound like he treats him very well either. You tried to end your life, a few years into your marrige. That is not a good sign either. There are so many red flags here.. NONE of you are happy. Doesnt that say something to you?

I dont think you are looking for advice on which decison to go, seperation or divorce. I think you know what you want to do, and what you need to do, but you are looking for and needing courage and support in what you decide.

You can do this. If you want to divorce him, then do it. You cant spend your life, and your son's life stuck in an unhappy life. Life is too short to be waiting around for things to possilbly get better. And IF they do start to get better, is it even enough to over ride all the hurt and sadness that this marrige and this man has caused you? Or your son? I personally think not. Ask your son what he thinks about it, and if he wants to leave. Ask his opinion. I am not sure what age your son is, but obviously he is of age to know that he hates his step father, and that his step father hates him. Its not healthy. If your looking for courage, you just have to bite the bullet and do it, many women have done it, and are, and many are dealing with much scarier and harder situations. You CAN do this, you just have to WANT to.

If you want to leave him, then dont procrastinate. Just do it.

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Just make sure its whats best for you, and whats best for your son.

I think you have just already got the answer for yourself but you are scared and I know that divorce is scary. I will try to give you things to think about. After I was divorced the first time I was scared and lonely. I hooked up with the first man who paid attention to me. This was the wrong thing to do but often a rebound relationship happens and it is usually not a good thing. I ended up pregnant by the man and I already had two kids from my first marriage. He did not want the baby but decided to come and live with us. He tried to do everything to push my older kids out of the picture. It takes a wonderful person to be a step parent. Not many are up to the challenge. He loved to play mind games with me and try to make me think my older kids were a problem to our relationship. My daughter is very strong willed and she was not influenced by him. My son who was younger went through a lot. I really had no idea what it was doing to his self esteem. He has a hard problem in daily life now. My son is now 16 and gives me fits constantly. He brought home his report card and had 5 out of 7 f's. I have tried counseling and he does not participate in that and the counselor tells me that in the teenage years it is often too late for counseling if they will not participate. The man and I finally got married and it was a huge mistake. I was so brainwashed!! It has been 3 years since we divorced and I am pretty strong now. WE do not know how strong we can be until we have to. My mom even says, "I am really surprised that you have made it this long!" (Not really a supportive statement but you would have to understand my dysfunctional family.) There are so many agencies out there to support you and get you on your feet. Don't ever feel like you can't do it!! Not everyone has the dysfunctional family like I do. I never got their help. You can get help from family and friends. My friends were the greatest. They always make me smile and that is what I need. A positive attitude can do so much. You have to change your whole way of thinking. You have to learn to live day to day. I am so thankful that I have each day!! There will be times that you cry. It is all part of healing!! I have gotten a new respect for myself because I am strong and I teach my children to be strong. Actions do speak very loud!! A word of advice - never look back!!

This is just a bit of the issues that resulted from the abusive man. I regret it happened to me but I like to see the positive in everything that happens and how I can benefit from it. I like to tell people this story and how things like this can affect their lives too. Be strong and go talk to a lawyer or look up some low cost services that can get the ball rolling for you. I was at the counseling office for about a year before I got up the strength to leave. Maybe you would feel more comfortable with that option for right now until you can get some self esteem up. I can guarantee you that things gets worse, you only become more beat down and tolerant. The hardest thing on kids is to watch mommy be abused and best down either mentally or physically. Take a very positive step!!

You need to leave this man and raise your son. You've let him live in a very chaotic, emotionally unhealthy environment for 9yrs. It's time to put his needs first and give him the stable home he needs. Please leave this man. It doesn't matter if you divorce or separate. Leave. And file for either. Either one will make you not accountable for any finanical messes he may make.

Best of luck to you. Gather all your strenght and do what you know you need to do.

Elle,

First, I suggest you confide in a close and *trusted* friend/family member.

I recommend you start seeing a professional therapist. There are ways to do so very inexpensively, or, depending on your situation, for free. It sounds like you feel alone and scared, and you deserve and need support so that you can make rational decisions and plan for you and your children's future. Take care of yourself and make your mental health a priority. I believe that doing so will give you strength and clarity.

If your husband is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive, please utilize this number. It is free, anonymous and is manned by trained professionals 24/7: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) / http://www.thehotline.org/

Separately, I suggest you visit an attorney to suss out your options, begin keeping records and make copies of your financial documents.

Also, if you are feeling suicidal / defeated by life and without options, here are some useful numbers:
1-800-784-2433
1-800-273-8255

I wish you strength, clarity and luck.

If it's as bad as you say, I would say divorce him the soonest you can. To me a separation just prolongs things out which could be more stressful. But a separation might be needed to get financials and what not figured out.
***Hahaha to teenmom's consider yourself hugged. Well consider me hugging you too.

Elle,

Please seek some professional advice/councelling. When we become parents children's well being should always come first. Having said that life is hard and messy, please repect yourself enough to get the help you need, may be your son can also benefit from it as well.

I pray that you find the courage to listen to your spirit.

NP

I would at least consider separation as well as counseling - both marriage counseling for the both of you as well as individual for yourself (if he won't agree to counseling, at least go for you, you will still benefit). Everyone's situation is different but if you stay separated for at least 6 months you can decide how it feels and if you and your son are better off. However, if you are saying you really don't want to be married, have never really been in love with him, and this has been too painful for your children, then I don't know if there is anything there worth salvaging. I would still recommend counseling though, either way, at least for yourself as well as for your children if they have been at negatively affected by this. You need to understand why you got involved with this man in the first place and make sure you don't keep repeating the same mistakes with others. Good luck to you, I hope you get the help you need.