Divorce/children

Therapy would be great for both of you and especially to help her see you're not that bad guy here. GL

No matter how bad a parent is, in most cases, children STILL love that parent or hope that parent will some day be the parent they wish for. Children, after all, just want to feel loved and secure. This is what you are up against and precisely why counseling is in order. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and wished for my parents to divorce. Still, I loved my father, though he was largely the one causing the issues. Even though you will divorce, there will continue to be problems. Counseling will help; I wish we would have gone back then but it was "a shame" to go, only "psychos" needed a psychiatrist. Really??? I've heard that a very small % of the population that could benefit from counseling actually seek it. Think how much easier life would be if anyone that would benefit from it actually did it. What a better place we'd all be in. Best of luck to you and yours.

I don't know how you could even consider staying with him.

Your daughter is very confused. You may want to look into getting counceling for her.

No matter what you do, she will be mad at you for several years for destroying what she perceives as a "happy" family. The right thing is for you to continue on with the divorce, do not let her control you or the situation, be respectful of the fact that she is hurting. It's true, time heels all wounds, as she matures she'll realize you made the right decision. It's something she needs to figure out herself.

You are a very strong person for leaving an abusive situation. I'd seek a counselor to help you sort this out and to find out how to deal with your daughter. My sister was so mad at my mom for leaving my dad. My dad was cheating and didn't want to leave his girlfriend. My mom gave him several chances but he kept seeing this other woman. When my mom left him, my sister would do the same thing. Leave hate notes etc. She even moved out and lived with my dad. She tore apart gifts and letters from my mom's boyfriend and wouldn't go to the wedding. But she came around eventually. She moved back in with my mom and never had an issue again. She did come around and realize that my dad was to blame for the divorce. It's so hard on kids to process this. Keep communicating with her about it so that she doesn't start blaming herself or anything. She'll come around. Good luck!!

I was an emotionally abusive husband with a daughter. It took a divorce to make me see a psychiatrist and three years later my ex and I got joint custody and are friends. My daughter was very forgiving as kids are. So as a man I recommend you get family counseling first, have him seek help, if that does not work; don't be afraid of a divorce.

Cutting completely through the "feelings" part of the issue and I know you all have many feelings about what is going on.

Of course your daughter wants you to stay and give him another chance--he's her dad.

Explain that he is sick with a disease and for you to even consider giving him another chance, he needs to get well. Detox, rehab, recovery. Period.
He's a big boy and IF HE WANTS TO, he can get well by himself (actually it is preferable for him to deal with his addiction solo--at first--because family relationships are a tricky part of addiction. You may be enabling and/or codependent, as may your daughter (she's too young to realize this if she is either of those things.)

Do NOT stay for the wrong reasons, and I believe the hopes and dreams of an 8 year old are all the wrong reasons.

Who knows (only God) what may happen down the road? But it all hinges on HIS ability to recover. Even if you end up apart forever, once he is clean and sober, your relationship will be a walk in the park compared to what it is now...so it really is a win-win.

Good luck and God Bless.

If you think once a person makes a mistake they will never change, then you are doing what you think is right. Personally, I only know of one man that never made a mistake and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas time.

You've told your daughter why and she wants you to give her dad another chance. She loves you and she loves him. You already have the divorce papers filled out and I presumed signed and a lawyer hired.

Does your husband want another chance? If he does, I'd sit down with your daughter and tell her that you don't want to give him another chance because he drinks and when he does he does AAA and BBB and CCC. I'd tell her what your in-laws have said that isn't true and that those words have hurt you. BUT, that you really love her and that because you love her you are willing to give her dad one more chance. But she has to promise to help her dad to promise to never drink any alchohol again. And if he does drink again, he is telling your daughter he doesn't want to be married to you any more and so you'll get the divorce.

I know this is an awful lot to hang on a millstone around her neck, but it places the blame and reason for any divorce on her dad. It enlists her aid in helping him to quit drinking or drugs or what ever. It also tells your daughter what is acceptable behavior and what is not. You don't want her to grow up trying to help every man with your husband's problems and go through a series of bad marriages because she married those types of men because she couldn't help her dad.

Then have a meeting with your daughter, your husband and someone that can help your husband over come his addiction. Let that person outline to your husband what he has to do (AA meetings, etc.). Tell your husband that your daughter has asked you to give your husband one more chance to dry out and stay dried out or the message with his first drink is "I don't want to be married any more." Then do everything in your power to eliminate the reasons for drinking. The counselor will probably have something to say to your daughter about helping your husband overcome his drinking problem.

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Good luck to you and yours.

Oh girl one thing you should not do is go back to that man he is abusive tell his side of the family to quit telling your daughter bad things about you it is not fair to her yes your daughter is going to be hurt I went through the same thing my child was mad at me in the long run she got not mad at me you can't live with an abusive man just because your child wants you to you are brave to get out of the situation please don't pit your self back in if you ever need to talk please message me

Try to locate a separated/divorce support group for your own, and your children's, well-being. It may also help you find a therapist trained in treating divorced children of alcoholics (? maybe AA can help with that or perhaps your pediatrician) and just TAKE her. She will resist, but please don't let this deter you from doing so. Remember, it always gets worse before it can get better. And yes! you should most certainly leave. Remember this when you're tempted to stay: Your child(ren) are watching and your behavior teaches them you are not worthy of being treated respectfully by staying. And it will most certainly teach them that as well.

You need to expect that she is going to have a tough time with this and be patient. You are doing the right thing. I suggest that you explain to her that your relationship with her father is between her father and you and as much as you both love her, you can not give him another chance. Tell her she has the right to be upset but she does not have the right to bad mouth you. You also need to talk to her father and grandmother and explain that badmouthing you in front of your daughter is not acceptable (in most cases, they are not legally allowed to do this...in DE there is a Children's Bill of Rights).

I don"t think punishment is the best answer. Eight is too young to be able to properly express her confusion and hurt in an adult manner. But you have to be firm about what is acceptable behavior. It is okay for her to be angry about the divorce. Since she is directing her anger at you, she may need a counselor to work through her issues. But perhaps you could tell her that while it is acceptable to talk to you about how upset she is, it is not acceptable for her to treat you with disrespect.
It sounds like her Dad is manipulating her feelings. A counselor might be able to help her work through this as well.
Try to turn the other cheek and show her how much you love her!