Divorce Affecting My 4 Yr Old

It might be time to talk to him about it. You don't have to give him the full details of everything. Most of the time the simple works just fine. "Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along anymore and we've decided that it would be better if we didn't live together anymore. We still love you with all our hearts and that will never change."

Get him to talk to you, give him the chance tell you how he's feeling.

Good luck.

Make SURE you tell him that this ISN'T because his father is mad at him. There ARE books out ther to help children go thru this. Talk to your local librarian.

Talk about his feelings too. Think about maybe making a scrapbook or something POSTIVE about his relationship w/ his dad to turn the emotions into a positive outcome, if you can. Remind him that adults have problems and get sick, etc. too. Sometimes they need help, just like kids do. That doesn't mean they are mad at their children.

There has to be a reason why there is supervised visitation. That is typically something that involved your son either directly or indirectly. Let's say it is anger management. (My husband is bipolar, so I had to find words to explain mental illness to my son at an early age so he would realize that it was the illness and not him making his dad act a certain way at times). I would start by saying that his dad loves him very much and sometimes has trouble controlling his anger. I would ask him if he ever gets angry, and explain that everyone gets angry sometimes. Maybe have him draw it. So we have to learn how to deal with it. Go through acceptable and unacceptable ways to do that. (OK to hit a pillow, but not a person, etc.) Explain that when a parent has trouble with this, the courts do not want to risk their children getting hurt, so while they are learning better ways, there is supervised visitation. And the goal is that once Daddy can show he has learned better ways, he may get to see him more. And always assure him that this is the illness or addiction or whatever speaking, and not his Daddy, who loves him now and forever. Yes, I would also have him in therapy as these things might carry more weight coming from someone who is not involved in the situation.

Hi E.,

I am going to mimick the thoughts of other moms and suggest counseling. My sister is actually a practicing Social Worker in Michigan. Her specialty is Child Development. You CAN find therapists who specialize in children. As already mentioned, with smaller kids the therapy is often through play. You should see her office... it's full of TOYS! :-) But through the play the therapist knows what to look for, what types of questions to ask, and knows how and when to probe for more. It's very effective. In addition, these specially trained therapists will often have certain sessions where mom or mom and dad are there with the child; or they will meet with just the parent(s) to gain more information and give insight.

I think in a case of divorce it is beneficial. Often times during divorce the parents just don't know how or what to tell the kids, or how to handle it when the kids aren't dealing with the situation well. And, in cases where safety is concerned it can be even more difficult. Kids often think things are their fault. They did something wrong and now their world is upside down. And really, it's understandable. We spend so much of our time telling them what not to do, and all that....

A therapist could offer you insight, tools, and teach you skills to help your son. In addition, sometimes... it's easier for kids to talk to a third party. They aren't afraid of 'making them mad'.... like mom or dad.

My heart breaks for you. I know divorce is never easy... and going through it with a child... must be very tough.

I want to state briefly that I have no real expertise in this matter, and my heart breaks for you and your son. I'm sorry that he has to deal with these issues so young.

My only advice would be that you should sit down and have a serious talk with him. I do know that a child's mind frequently makes up its own reasons for why something is happening when not provided a solid explanation. You are also correct that you do not want him to think badly of his daddy, but you're going to have to explain that it's not his fault daddy isn't around as much. Since I don't know the details of the situation, I can't offer anything that you can say to your son to at once comfort him and explain it to him, but that is what is needed.

You also might consider putting him in therapy. He may not need it, but if he does, you don't want to discover too late. A therapist can also help you figure out what to tell your son that will protect him without turning him against his father.

I wish you the best of luck.

search your heart and soul to make sure that you are not punishing daddy for divorce. all children need both parents, no matter how good or bad at parenting they are. is there a third party that would be willing to supervise more visitation? make sure you don't bad mouth dad even if you have to bite your tongue sometimes and constantly reassure your child that his dad still loves him no matter what. if dad is into drugs, maybe you could explain that dad isn't quite himself right now, but you know that he will work on getting better so that he could spend more time with him in the future. then make it as easy as possible for father to see him. children sometimes blame themselves for the breakup, thinking that if they had just behaved a little better, daddy would still be here. reassure him that it was NOT his fault. mommy and daddy just would be happier apart. do not blame daddy even if he was abusive. it will come back to bite you in the you know what if you don't take the high road. I was divorced when my children were 5 and 12 and had to beg their father to see them and to please not punish the children because i no longer wanted the relationship. i'm glad those days are over-- they are now 34 and 41 and have a good relationship with their dad. he wouldn't pay child support but he would always have money to take them to really neat places that i couldn't afford. i don't regret taking the high road, they are mature, contributing members of society and i know that it was because of me , not their dad. but to let them know that would have been unfair to them. good luck and give that little boy lots and lots of love!!!

Hi E.,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this terrible time. Divorce is never easy on anyone, but it is so hard to understand for younger ones. You are doing the best you can to make the right decisions for him and yourself, but it still makes it hard when you look at his face and he misses his dad.

Counseling is available for kids his age. It's done in informal thera-play sessions in which the counselor uses play to introduce topics or open your son up to talk. My sister-in-law had to take hers when they were that young and she was divorcing their dad. He couldn't see them at all, for valid reasons.

I would recommend that when he says those things you further the conversation with him. ASk him why he thinks that. It gives him an opportunity to get the thought and feelings out and gives you a greater idea of where he is emotionally and exactly what you need to address. Answer all of his questions and comments with something. There is alot you cannot tell him, but you can reassure him. You can say, "Daddy can't be around all the time right now, but he wants to, and I know he misses you."

Give him an opportunity to "write dad a letter" or draw a picture. What about email? It might be worth asking if Daddy could email your son. This gives you a chance to look the letters over before you read them to your son. Also letters in the mail offer the same opportunity. You could even read them and then put them back in the mailbox to "find" with your son. It is contact and a knowledge that he is still important and daddy isn't mad.