Hi! Sorry to hear you are going down this road. It is not easy being in this position. I was there 2yrs ago. Its still a never ending battle but I am thankfully I have my son 99% of the time. But court order says otherwise.
At any rate....be prepared. Take notes of EVERYTHING. Any incident with you, your child and the time he spends with the child you two have together. Start working up a parenting plan and include EVERYTHING in it. From Holidays to vacations. Cover all your important basis. No traveling outside of California without written approval by you...so forth and so on.
Now as far as custody. Unless you can prove he is an unfit father, a threat to the well being of your child, he will get 50% custody. That is a given and this is california. My sons father was awarded 50% custody because I was a nanny and had my son with me everyday, even though his father threathened to take him away from me and never return him to having a restraining order against him. The court didnt care, they still gave him 50% custody. They awarded him 1,2,4th weekends of every month. With over nights starting Friday night. Then several months later got Wednesdays and Friday nights. That means I only get to have my son one weekend a month, where there would be three weekends in a row I didn't get my son for a weekend. That sucked regardless of the fact that he was in my care 5 days a week and I was caring for another child. My son was with me but with another child 55hrs a week. I didn't get that one on one time with him like his father would on those weekends. I saw it differently cause I did this as my "job" in order to keep my son out of daycare. Courts saw it differently.
So do not be surprised that your husband will get more time because you are a stay at home mom. Prepare for the worse but have no expectations of what the outcome will be. If you can and I HIGHLY recommend it, do the parenting plan and avoid going through the courts to recommend your visitation and custody of your child. Other wise the courts will make a recommendation for you and the judge will likely follow the mediators recommendations based on what he heard from both sides.
Truthfully...I do not feel the courts make decisions in the best interest of the child. They say they do but would you trust a parent who has a history of mental issues, stalking, harrassing, and threatening to take a child 50% custody of that child? I would at least gave custody with supervision only!!! I wasn't even given that.
Plus most fathers ask for the world when it comes to custody and visitation then barely follow through. Especially since your husband has another child from a previous marriage. She will be his PRIMARY responsibility. Hopefully that will not be the case and respect your child as his very own and give your child the love he deserves.
In the meantime while your preparing yourself for a divorce, change things into your name now (before you get a divorce). Get EVERYTHING out of both of your names into your own account. Even your checking account or savings account. If you cant do that with the bank, open a separate one for yourself without him knowing and stash $ away to help you later when your a single mother.
Don't let anyone tell you that you need to stay for the childrens sake or that its tough being a single mother. Indeed it is rough and hard as hell, but the outcome of being completely happy, stress and drama free of the marriage, its worth it in the end. Sad to end a marriage yet its more sad to stay in a relationship with someone that isn't health for you and for your baby, as arguing can be felt and added stress towards your child will be felt just with the tension alone in that household. My son was very young (7mon) when I left his dad and my son had a lot of insecurity issues at a young age from all the arguing. The minute he heard us arguing, he would immediately cry. So how is staying helping my son?? Its causing undue stress from two adults who can not get along....my son is better off having two happy parents who give their child all the love they can, in a happy healthy environment.
Its difficult in giving up time with your child as you have been a full time mom. I know first hand how it feels. Its like a part of you is being taken away on the days he is with his father. It doesn't go away. For me, I fear every weekend that I may never see my son for I do not trust the air his father breathes that he will one day, out of revenge, take our son....I live that fear constantly! Truly sucks.
All you can do is pray. Seek friendships with other single mothers who are in the same situation. Get their advise because they are in the same situation as you. Maybe share fun stories on the weekends your child is with the father, when it comes to that. Unfortunately you will be without your child, as the father does have the right to be with his child. I want my son to have a relationship with his father. Its his father who doesn't make the attempt to be that "dad" he wanted to be a second time. He failed to be a father to his first son and he is failing so far the second time around. Again, fathers ask for the world but only fall through with little if anything.
When you sever the divorce paperwork make sure you note in their what your requesting for custody and visitation. You want full physical (your child LIVES with you) and full legal custody (u make all the decisions for your child...for his medical, schools, etc.). Visitation is what YOU want to see happen. A suggestion...be fair...but protect yourself. If you show you want your child to have a relationship with the father, it will be more in your favor. If your child co-sleeps with YOU, request no over nights until your child is about 3 to 4yrs of age when he can fullly understand that Mommy will be back.
Or request that over nights be slowly introduced to your child over a 3 month period. So on and so forth...
I could go on and on...I highly recommend to do this OUTSIDE of court. Document everything, have everything notarized with both your signatures on it, then have it submitted to be filed with the courts.
One warning to you....if you separate and move out, then file divorce....the time between, he can take your child and not give him back. You would have to take him to court to get your child back. When I found this out I immediately filed for divorce so there was some court order showing where my son is suppose to be (with ME). Protect yourself and your child.
For what its worth....I have NEVER regretted my decision to walk out on my exhusband with our son. Being a single mother has its challenges, but knowing my son will be raised and loved unconditionally makes it all worth while in the end.
Lastly, do what is best for YOU!!!