Divorce Advice - Roseville,CA

If counseling is out of the question, than the next step is to talk to a lawyer. counseling saved my marriage when I had one foot out the door, but both parties have to be committed to it for it to work. I am so sorry for all you are going through. If it looks like divorce is coming, you will need to start looking for employment so you do not end up on public assistance. When I was leaving my husband I had to change states and look for employment, and it was hard to deal with the idea of not being with my kids full time anymore. Do you have family near by that can help you though all this?

Sounds like you need to file first. My advice is.....document everything. Don't do anything you can't explain in front of a judge or to your teenage child. Sooner or later they will ask questions or at least start figuring things out, so, maintain your dignity and keep the kids needs above your own at all times. Get a strong support system around you. Good Luck

My words of wisdom are work it out! marriage is hard! there are going to be good times and there are bad times a strong marriage with commited adults is not hard, to do the work is hard and when the going gets tough we are so quick to say oh well lets get a divorce it takes TIME to get through the tough things and work on a relationship, you owe it to yourselves and to the children to give it one more shot you say you dont want to be without your daughter half the time well that is the best way to do so, besides you say you dont even have a job right now? where you gonna go? If you leave, leave with a plan and a job...you have discussed what happened in his last marriage but I dont see where you are saying why you guys are splitting so that is why I give the advice I do. Who cares what happened between them you need to fight for your marriage and your man!
Get over him taking the daughters side and learn to work with both them she cannot be the downfall of your marriage, dont give her that power! If it were your child then you would take that 22 mo. olds side too that is just the way it is! believe me I know cause My son is my husbands step son and yes I tend to side with him (my son) on certain issues but I have learned how to not let him come between my husband and I also!
Also my son is split in half and it is no fun for him at all he always feels cought in the middle and that is one thing I wish he would not have to go through nobody wins when a child has to go between households but it is a beautiful thing when a child grows up in a stable household where grown ups learn to work through their problems and model to their kids healthy relationship values. The grass is not greener on the other side!

the only advice I have to offer in regards to divorce that I think can be very important is to ensure that you do not talk about your daughter's father negatively in front of her.

If you proceed to divorce be extremely prepared to work harder than you ever have. Being a single parent is very hard work. You WILL have to get a job, whether or not it is "a good time to look". You WILL have to be without your child half the time either because of sharing parenting time or time in childcare because you will have to work.

It is unclear what you are asking for. Are you trying to get a divorce without having to support yourself or share parenting time?

YOU MUST GET YOUR OWN LAWYER NOW. Honestly, even if you have to make payments. I can tell story after story of women who did not get a lawyer to fight for them and their children.

My ex and I divorced when my son was 2 years old. For a short while I felt like I made the best choice for myself and my son. Fast forward 6 years and my son still asks why his daddy and I aren't married and doesn't want me to get married to anyone else. Looking back, a seperation was absolutely neccessary, but I think for my sons sake, I should have done whatever I could to stick it out in order to raise my son in a household with his father AND mother. Even if that meant just staying with him until my son was out of the house. Being a single mommy is in no way easy and if there is a remote chance that you guys can work it out- DO IT! At least try. If your husband is willing to go to counseling with you and the step daughter then there is a chance. If not, you can seek out professional advise on how to deal with the situation the best way you can. That way you'll know you did everything you could to keep your family together. I'm sorry you're going through this situation. Best of luck.

Hi! Sorry to hear you are going down this road. It is not easy being in this position. I was there 2yrs ago. Its still a never ending battle but I am thankfully I have my son 99% of the time. But court order says otherwise.

At any rate....be prepared. Take notes of EVERYTHING. Any incident with you, your child and the time he spends with the child you two have together. Start working up a parenting plan and include EVERYTHING in it. From Holidays to vacations. Cover all your important basis. No traveling outside of California without written approval by you...so forth and so on.

Now as far as custody. Unless you can prove he is an unfit father, a threat to the well being of your child, he will get 50% custody. That is a given and this is california. My sons father was awarded 50% custody because I was a nanny and had my son with me everyday, even though his father threathened to take him away from me and never return him to having a restraining order against him. The court didnt care, they still gave him 50% custody. They awarded him 1,2,4th weekends of every month. With over nights starting Friday night. Then several months later got Wednesdays and Friday nights. That means I only get to have my son one weekend a month, where there would be three weekends in a row I didn't get my son for a weekend. That sucked regardless of the fact that he was in my care 5 days a week and I was caring for another child. My son was with me but with another child 55hrs a week. I didn't get that one on one time with him like his father would on those weekends. I saw it differently cause I did this as my "job" in order to keep my son out of daycare. Courts saw it differently.

So do not be surprised that your husband will get more time because you are a stay at home mom. Prepare for the worse but have no expectations of what the outcome will be. If you can and I HIGHLY recommend it, do the parenting plan and avoid going through the courts to recommend your visitation and custody of your child. Other wise the courts will make a recommendation for you and the judge will likely follow the mediators recommendations based on what he heard from both sides.

Truthfully...I do not feel the courts make decisions in the best interest of the child. They say they do but would you trust a parent who has a history of mental issues, stalking, harrassing, and threatening to take a child 50% custody of that child? I would at least gave custody with supervision only!!! I wasn't even given that.

Plus most fathers ask for the world when it comes to custody and visitation then barely follow through. Especially since your husband has another child from a previous marriage. She will be his PRIMARY responsibility. Hopefully that will not be the case and respect your child as his very own and give your child the love he deserves.

In the meantime while your preparing yourself for a divorce, change things into your name now (before you get a divorce). Get EVERYTHING out of both of your names into your own account. Even your checking account or savings account. If you cant do that with the bank, open a separate one for yourself without him knowing and stash $ away to help you later when your a single mother.

Don't let anyone tell you that you need to stay for the childrens sake or that its tough being a single mother. Indeed it is rough and hard as hell, but the outcome of being completely happy, stress and drama free of the marriage, its worth it in the end. Sad to end a marriage yet its more sad to stay in a relationship with someone that isn't health for you and for your baby, as arguing can be felt and added stress towards your child will be felt just with the tension alone in that household. My son was very young (7mon) when I left his dad and my son had a lot of insecurity issues at a young age from all the arguing. The minute he heard us arguing, he would immediately cry. So how is staying helping my son?? Its causing undue stress from two adults who can not get along....my son is better off having two happy parents who give their child all the love they can, in a happy healthy environment.

Its difficult in giving up time with your child as you have been a full time mom. I know first hand how it feels. Its like a part of you is being taken away on the days he is with his father. It doesn't go away. For me, I fear every weekend that I may never see my son for I do not trust the air his father breathes that he will one day, out of revenge, take our son....I live that fear constantly! Truly sucks.

All you can do is pray. Seek friendships with other single mothers who are in the same situation. Get their advise because they are in the same situation as you. Maybe share fun stories on the weekends your child is with the father, when it comes to that. Unfortunately you will be without your child, as the father does have the right to be with his child. I want my son to have a relationship with his father. Its his father who doesn't make the attempt to be that "dad" he wanted to be a second time. He failed to be a father to his first son and he is failing so far the second time around. Again, fathers ask for the world but only fall through with little if anything.

When you sever the divorce paperwork make sure you note in their what your requesting for custody and visitation. You want full physical (your child LIVES with you) and full legal custody (u make all the decisions for your child...for his medical, schools, etc.). Visitation is what YOU want to see happen. A suggestion...be fair...but protect yourself. If you show you want your child to have a relationship with the father, it will be more in your favor. If your child co-sleeps with YOU, request no over nights until your child is about 3 to 4yrs of age when he can fullly understand that Mommy will be back.

Or request that over nights be slowly introduced to your child over a 3 month period. So on and so forth...

I could go on and on...I highly recommend to do this OUTSIDE of court. Document everything, have everything notarized with both your signatures on it, then have it submitted to be filed with the courts.

One warning to you....if you separate and move out, then file divorce....the time between, he can take your child and not give him back. You would have to take him to court to get your child back. When I found this out I immediately filed for divorce so there was some court order showing where my son is suppose to be (with ME). Protect yourself and your child.

For what its worth....I have NEVER regretted my decision to walk out on my exhusband with our son. Being a single mother has its challenges, but knowing my son will be raised and loved unconditionally makes it all worth while in the end.

Lastly, do what is best for YOU!!!

If I read your post correctly, you believe his 12 year old daughter from his first marriage is trying to stir things up between you and that he always takes her side. So it sounds like trying to deal with being a stepmom is effecting your marriage. My husband is very protective of his daughters from a previous marriage. When we were first together, I thought they were jealous of me and quite frankly, I was jealous of them too. It took awhile for me to realize that there wasn't a competition. They were daughters, I was wife. After I realized I was the adult and they weren't really a threat to my position as wife, I started to go out of my way to be nice to them and try to have a place in their hearts.Twenty years later...well, I still have problems with one of them.. but I feel very close to the other one and I do love them both. Also knowing that she is a 12 year old girl, which isn't an easy time even if you were her biological mother who had raised her from birth, it probably is also a good idea to do some research on relating to tweens. If you work on building your relationship with her, it may improve your marriage, and it will be way better for your 2 year old as well. It might also be good to communicate with your husband on what you are trying to do and enlist his support. Agree on what the rules are - even if this means compromise - because you are in a difficult position being the SAHM with a 12 year old girl and you need to make sure that he is going to back you. You are coparenting this child with him and it's just as important that you two be on the same page as it is that her biological parents are. Good luck!

Good Morning... A good friend of mine is going through the same thing & she also didn't want to be w/o her kids, so what she did was took some online classes for childcare got a job at a daycare & now gets a discount at her work and the big plus was the nights her ex-husband has the kids, she gets them during the day because the kids go to her daycare. Good luck with everything....

I have a 2 year old, and I'm 7 months pregnant. I found out my husband has been cheating for over a year now. I've been taking it day by day - hang in there, and things will get better when this added stress is not in your life whether you divorce or solve your problems. Have you tried marriage counseling as a first step?
-B.