Divorce - Ballwin,MO

Sorry to hear about your situation- I have been there and although the first year out is very hard it WILL get better. Here are some things that may be useful:

1)Go to your daughter's school and have a frank conversation with the principal about your situation. Explain about the potential move and see if they can work with you to keep your daughter at the same school at least to finish out the school year. You may be surprised at how understanding some administrators are and willing to help keep things stable for a student if you are just specific and honest. Also, if there is drama, it may be helpful for your daughter's teachers to know. I am not saying blab your personal business to everyone- but if your daughter acts out, etc. it will help the school staff to deal with it more reasonably and know why it's happening.

2)I can't help you with getting an attorney, but just look online and find a couple near you and go interview them. Ask for references just as you would if you were finding a doctor or any other professional. Don't be intimidated- you have rights no matter what your financial or personal situation is. If it is likely that you will be given primary physical custody of your daughter and baby, (and it is, unless you are somehow unfit) then it is also likely that a court would order YOU to stay in the family home until it is sold. An attorney can petition the court for just that, for the continuity and stability of your daughter. If you really want to stay until the house is sold DO NOT GO ANYWHERE. Seriously, possession means a lot and it sounds like you need a court order to get your husband out of the home. Any reasonable divorce attorney can file that for you and at least then you will get the process started and know where you stand.

3) If you can, find an attorney who also specializes in Family Law. Then send your husband a formal letter requesting mediation to address child support, visitation and custody issues. There are a few good reasons to do this:

Right now you are overwhelmed- I get that. But to keep things as easy as possible on your daughter, you need to figure these things out first, right away. In many cases, a judge will tell you to go to mediation to work out family matters ANYWAY- so if you request it ahead of time you look good and it is cheaper than a lawyer's time (usually!). If your husband refuses to attend mediation or do his share, it will make him look very bad to a judge- you want to always be the reasonable, mature grown up here.

Remember- your main focus is to keep things stable for your child!! That should be your mantra and reply to how you handle everything- what will be best for her? At least in family court, it should.

Any attorney should have a list of certified mediators. Any one of them will most likely be fine. Usually the cost is about $200 per hour, give or take. My ex and I always split the cost of our sessions. Normally you will each have one individual session with the mediator to help figure out your goals.

Ahead of time, really think about this. What is MOST important to you? Having your daughter with you on certain holidays? Making sure you are home after school? whatever it is, make a list and take it to the mediator. Understand that you are going to have to GIVE a little to GET a little.

Then you will both meet with the mediator together. They will help you to work out your child's schedule, who will pick her up from school or take her to soccer or dance class. Who will cover her health insurance. The yearly calendar- who gets how much summer vacation time, and how you will do holidays (we switch off Thanksgiving and Christmas every other year). Can grandparents and other relatives have access to your daughter. How much child support will your husband need to pay and how will it be dispersed to you- IMPORTANT! - go through the state for child support NO MATTER WHAT. they will assess your husband's income and assign support accordingly. Have it automatically deducted from his paychecks and automatically deposited into your bank account. TRUST me on this- do not try to be 'nice' and let him write you monthly checks. That will totally come back to bite you later on.

But- basically mediation is a wonderful thing. It is SO helpful to have a 3rd party who is NOT emotionally involved help you to work out what will happen and how. Once you have both done some compromising and worked things out as well as you can, the mediator will write the results up into a legal document usually referred to as a Parenting Agreement. It will be filed with the court and you both MUST abide by what it says,or you can be taken to court. Usually you both also agree that in the case of any other MAJOR dispute, you will go to mediation again to hash it out- this is much better than tense emails and nasty phone calls, trust me.

Also trust me when I say this is also the best best thing for your daughter. Mark up a special calendar showing when she is with you and when she is with daddy. Write down who is picking her up when, etc. Let her know in advance that she will be with daddy for Easter, etc. This is VERY comforting to kids- it lets them know that things are still ok, there is a PLAN to follow!!

Do not trash talk your husband or try to explain in detail to your daughter why you are breaking up. She is NOT your confidant. Save that for your mom, sister, girlfriends, therapist, whoever. Just explain in broad terms that you and daddy are not getting along but you both still love HER very much. If her dad is a jerk- she will find that out soon enough, believe me. Why upset her more by rubbing her face in it now? Just be loving and calm- you are her world and I know it is hard, but you need to be a ROCK right now for her, ok? You will be amazed at how that thought can help you keep it together.

last but not least- if you have any sort of decent relationship with your in-laws and your husband's other family members, DO try to maintain it!!! Call them and let them know that despite the issues between you and your husband, you know they love your daughter and you want to reassure them that you value those relationships for her and that she will need all the normal family interaction she can get in the coming weeks. Again, unless there is a specific reason, all the relatives can do a lot to ease this transition for her.

I never got along with my former MIL until AFTER my divorce, lol. *I* was the one who made sure she still got to see my son and drove him out to her retirement community, etc- and she really appreciated it. Now we have an excellent relationship and that also helped me stay on good terms with my son's aunt and cousins, so it was all worthwhile.

Wow- sorry this is such a book!! There is so much to think about- I just hope some of this helps you out.

The one thing our mediator told us that has always stuck with me and that I always say is this:

"Your marriage has failed. But that does not mean you have to fail as PARENTS. You must separate your relationship as married people FROM your relationship as the loving parents of this other person."

Best of luck to you and your family!!!

HI Molly. You should read your profile, you said hubs does everything but housework. Also in a past post you said he works long hours and 6 days a week, what do you exactly need from him? I say this as you obvioulsy love him enough to have a third child and perhaps since this pregnancy doesn't seem to be an easy one you may be putting all your energy in to the negative. Not to disregard your concerns as they are valid, but do you ask your hubs to do things only when you are at your wits end? Because no one responds well to yelling or a stressed out person asking for help. Since you are already talking of moving etc, is your hubs already aware you want a divorce and wanting to move out? I say have a friend or family member take the kids for a few hours, make an appointment with hubs and really hash it out. If divorce is the end result well then you both are aware of what is going on. I hope it doesn't come to that but only you know what you can tolerate. Best of luck to you and your family.

WHOA Molly, slow don't a bit here!! Looked over your previous post, not much about an intoerable marriage, but VERY much about a difficult pregnancy, quitting smoking, meds, etc.....

You left some parts out, can you fill us in please before you 'LEAVE'. Yikes!

Unless your guy is abusive, now is a REALLY REALLY bad time to be making these MAJOR decisions for your family!

More info, yes?!

Marriage counseling? Never decide on a divorce while pregnant. Your hormones make you crazy! Or with little kids. I agree that you need help and are exhausted and the fighting has to end, but this honestly sounds like lots and lots of marriages and I believe you need to try a different approach.

I mean, if every single wife divorced her husband for not helping, I wonder how many people would be left married. And your husband says he doesn't feel appreciated. And you say you don't feel supported or helped. Those things can be fixed. Your kids are not going to be scarred for life from watching you two yelling at each other. They will be scarred for life from a divorce. You need outside help. You are tired, hormonal, your husband is tired and stressed, you are both yelling at each other because you are both not communicating to each other in a kind way. I know how you feel and I know how it feels to be done. Believe me, I have been done lots of times in my marriage but I keep going anyway. It's a commitment and sometimes you have to just grit your teeth for awhile or go do some crazy fun stuff with some girlfriends. Go talk to other wives about this. It's a common problem. See how they have got past it. Some use divorce, others figure other ways out.

The thing about divorce is that you want to improve yourself and your situation. If things aren't working for you then you know what is best. I have been divorced and I get sick of people telling me that there are other ways to deal with it. Everyone wants to judge and it is your life and if that is how you want to handle it then so it is. I would do a little research on your own and look into the divorce laws for your state or contact a not-for-profit legal agency to get some more info. I know if you look around of the internet there are usually links to low cost legal services.

I agree with Theresa N. This seems a little knee-jerk to me.
Stop. Breathe. Think. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Have you taken the time to think what your life will look like as a sangle mom with 3 kids?

Have you and your husband tried *everything* within your power to make this marriage work?

Are you sure this is what you want to do?

Best of luck!

If you want a divorce you want a divorce, plain and simple....I suggest you call an attorney because every state has different laws. At the very least you could move into an apartment and take the kids. If you file for legal separation he will be ordered to pay support and that will help pay the bills. After you have the baby will be plenty of time to try and work through the issues and make adjustments or set goals with your hubby. It may even be that he realizes you are serious and mean business. Chances are he won't change but one can have hope.

I am recently divorced after 21 years of marriage. I tried everything to get my husband to help around the house and even outside of the house. We both worked full time and we had a daughter. Now, I see I should have left years ago but did not. I stayed for the stability of our daughters life. Well, I was up for 2 surgeries in 2009 within a few months of each other and was not able to do normal things (it was all I could do to get to work and home). He was unemployed and still I was expected to do everything as he was still to busy to help out.....Sorry folks sometimes personal happiness should win. Yes it has been a tough year and a half of seperation. Yes I still work at home and outside and yes I took on another child in the home full time (i have an older daughter who had a child and cannot care for her). But I will make it and even with as hard as it is and with a lot of days I feel like I want to give up I won't because it was the best thing I could have done. My household took on a whole different light when I made my decision. I will say that you should wait until the baby is born. I agree that hormones rage and at least for me I tended to be extra emotional during pregnancy. We also went to counseling several years ago and it helped as long as long as we were going. Once it stopped ex took up old habits again and quit helping. I am sorry this is so long but I felt that you needed to hear that sometimes that behavior of not helping out is not ok. There is also no win in a divorce no matter what you must understand that no matter what the outcome you will get screwed! LOL I wrote this on a folder and my lawyer saw it and laughed but agreed that it is a no win situation so you need to take a long look at what you really want because it is not fun to go through a divorce even though for me it has brought a lot of peace to my household (even the dog got a new attitude). FYI - My attorney is in St. Louis County and I would be glad to share his name with you. Free consultation and he actually helped keep me sane through the process.

Sorry Molly,

That sounds stressful. Here in California, I work with a few attys and always value the insight they offer to clients I work with. Might I suggest even googling local attorneys and reading what clients had to say about them on line. I find this info most helpful. Of course, should a family member or friend know of someone personally, even better. You can always call an attorney who offers a free consult to ask their opinion and answer any questions at this point. Either way, don't rush on move/divorce plans until you are sure and comfortable with how you want to proceed. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT

You may want to consider a separation before initiating divorce proceedings. My neighbor recently went through a divorce (he was habitually unfaithful), but they separated for a period first to make sure that this was the solution. They also tried counseling to repair their relationship- of course she was the only one who actually went!

Answers to you questions... you can divorce someone at any time. Whatever custody agreement is finalized will include "all children of the marriage", meaning the newborn too.

If you file for legal separation, he may be asked to leave as part of the agreement, in which case it's not his choice. If you really really feel like this is the route you want to take, schedule a consultation appointment with an attorney. Each state is different and when there are children involved, separations and divorces become very complicated.

Please consider counseling and/or a separation before filing for divorce. Sometimes a different perspective on a situation can make a world of difference!

in most states, you can't get divorced while pg.

divorce doesn't mean your husband will have to take care of the children. visitation is a right, not forced on someone. he doesn't have to see the kids at all if he doesn't want to.

lots of non-custodial parents have one million creative ways to get out of paying child support, so don't think that's a given either.

If you decide to divorce, you need to be prepared that you will do 100% of the parenting with 0% financial assistance. any help with parenting that you get and any child support you get is gravy. If you depend on it to live, you might find yourself worse off than you are now.

Molly - I just responded to your other question - i should've seen your other posts first! :)

I personally wouldn't make any major decisions while I was pregnant. You've got a ton of hormones going through your body which can totally give you more stress!!! I've seen your pic - if you think you're fat and gross, girl!! you've got it going!!! I'd LOVE to have arms like yours!!! :)

Dropping the DIVORCE bomb is rough. It shouldn't be an ultimatum to get him into marriage counseling. I know when I'm given an ultimatum, I dig my heels in. that's me.

Like I said before - make your expectations known. See if there is a compromise that can be reached. I can tell you from personal experience that if you do not resolve the problems you have NOW - they WILL carry over into the next relationship. You do have children together so you WILL have to learn how to communicate with each other - period. There is NO doubt about that. Married or not - your children MUST come first - baseball games, soccer, ballet, graduation, marriage - all these events parents (married or not) will attend together. So, you need to figure out HOW you can communicate with him. Same goes for him - communication is key. No yelling, no screaming - it's not necessary. Just figuring out what dreams and goals are and getting there together!! if not together - how you are going to maneuver life apart and be nice to each other for the kids.