Divorce - Chicago, IL

I've been in a divorce now for a year and a half. We have a child who is 24 months. Feel free to call or email me anytime...

I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this.

I am going thru a divorce now. I just started going to Willow Creek Divorce Recover Classes. I have a long way to go but it is certainly helpful to talk to other people that are in the same boat. website is willowcreek.org

I was watching Dave Ramsey the other night and he mentioned something about the home and how a lot of attorneys do the wrong thing about what you are still liable for after the divorce. You may want to look at his website. I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice, but I thought I'd pass that along. Best wishes.

I have not been through a divorce personally, however, I worked for divorce attorneys for about 15 years and have I have seen it all. My best advice would seriously be to work out all aspects with your husband and save your money on attorneys. The main items you need to consider are: division of assets including pension/retirement accounts, house, personal property; sole custody v. joint custody (the main difference being with sole you can make any decisions yourself and with joint you have to agree on things such as religion, school choices etc.); maintenance (formerly called alimony); child support (this one is pretty cut and dry - you get a percentage of his income depending on how many children you have -- but you should work out what happens in the event of a raise, bonus, etc. -- a good clause if you anticipate a raise, irregular income, bonuses, etc. is that at the end of the year he provides you with a copy of his W-2 statements and gives you whatever percent of any additional money he has earned); visitation - regular and holiday/vacation; insurance - medical and life; payment of extras such as medical expenses, extracurricular activities, daycare. I'm sure there's a few more that I'm forgetting but those are the big ones.
Anyway, my advice would be to go to a few attorneys for a free consultation, tell them your story, and let them tell you what they believe you would be entitled to. Your husband can do the same. Then get together and try to agree on everything and have an attorney put the papers together.
If you go to an attorneys office and tell them you have a divorce and it's all agreed, you can probably pay around $1000. If you fight over everything, I have seen those bills go up to $500,000 +. In the end, the only one who benefits from a long drawn out divorce is the attorneys.
If you can't agree, your husband is being completely unreasonable, or you believe he's hiding assets or something, my advice is to never leave the house, never leave the kids, start your own sole bank account now, and never be the bad guy no matter what your husband does. Being the one who refuses to allow visitation just because he isn't paying his child support gets you nowhere.
Good luck and let me know if you need any more information.

Sorry that you have to even ask for any feedback - but at least you are looking at the bigger picture - and trying to go into this with your eyes wide open.

I have been divorced 4 yrs this month - and it was fast - fairly amicable - and we had everything decided before I contacted the attorney. Yes it made it that much easier on everyone - and the total expense was about $1500 - which we split. We started it on the weekend after Thanksgiving - and after deciding that a separation wasn't really what he wanted - we sat and came up with the list of how we would divide everything -including custody of our children; visitation etc.... - contacted a lawyer early December - and it was final on Feb 8th. We even used the same attorney - who sat and met with both of us - explained everything to us - and explained to him that he had the option of having his own attorney etc.....

I know that not all divorces can or will go this smoothly - and we have been back to court several times since over child support, etc...but the most important thing to remember is - keep the children out of it at all costs. My boys were 3 and 6 when we divorced after 11 years of marriage - and we sat them down after the holidays to explain that mommy and daddy were not going to live together anymore - and tried to answer their questions, etc...We kept it very simple and age appropriate. Even today - they have questions - or want to talk about it - and I still keep the information as objective as possible. Our marriage and it's problems didn't involve them - and they only need to know that both parents still love them.

If you have any questions - please feel free to email me. Depending upon the situation - it never hurts to seek counseling - either thru a therapist or your ministry. We all need a peace of mind- and sometimes during the chaos that ensues during a divorce - even one as amicable as mine - it helps. You have to take care of yourself - in order to care for those you love.

Good luck -
P.

Hi L.,

I have been through a divorce. It was in 2001 and I was married for 5 years with no children. (I have since remarried and have had kids with my 2nd husband). I am happy to share any thoughts or advice on my situation, so feel free to reply.

My thoughts are with you. Divorce is never easy. But trust that you will be happier in the end - life will go on!

You received some GREAT advice here and I second all of it! My divorce was final on January 6th. It lasted a year from the time he told me. We did what was suggested and tried to decide as much as we could on our own without the attorney's. It wasn't easy but it was cheaper and quicker. The hardest part was selling our house in this market.

Please get counseling! If it isn't to work through it with your husband (which I strongly suggest making sure you at least try before going down this route) then do it for yourself. I waited about 4 months to get counseling. I thought I didn't need it until one day I went across a railroad crossing and said "it wouldn't be so bad if...." So not cool. I was in counseling the next week. I still go and I am grateful that I went. It helped tremendously.

I have recommendations for a marriage counselor, personal counselor and a divorce attorney. Please ask if you need them. You are welcome to message me at anytime and I will answer your questions. My friends/family were great but they didn't understand. My best support was those who went through it as they got it. Please let me help you if you need it.

Good luck.

I got a divorce 10 years ago and will tell you it's not an easy road. You will find out who your true friends are. You will most likely lose some relationships with his family and mutual friends that you didn't expect. Your kids will most likely have some anger/acting out issues (no matter how old they are). You can not trust what your husband promises to do (get it in writing), especially once a new man comes into your life. You will have to deal with this man the rest of your life since you have children together so get used to the idea. Seriously, even when your kids are grown there will still be weddings, grandchildren, etc. that you will both be a part of. Try to agree on as many details as possible, get it in writing and then get a GOOD attorney. Do not cut corners and take the cheap route...trust me, you'll get what you paid for.
My biggest regret, besides the attorney, I didn't get any kind of counseling and I would STRONGLY recommend at least a couple sessions for yourself and your children (depending on their ages). There's alot of mixed emotions going on and a counselor can help you focus on what's important and get you on the right track so you feel good about yourself and your decision and hopefully help you to make a better choice the next time around. Yes, it's a tough journey, but if it's what you know is right in your heart for yourself and your kids it will be the best decision you ever make. One other thought, if you have any doubts, you may want to try marriage counseling to see if your marriage can be saved. (I don't know what the circumstances are) Once you are divorced chances are your ex will eventually remarry and then you will have another woman raising your children part of the time and that can present another whole set of problems! Just some things to consider that no one ever told me before I went through all this.

I am divoced- and happily remarried for over 10 years. I was young the first time but the best thing I did was keep a journal of daily things- once the divorce started I kept all copies of emails etc. I still have a binder with all things in there- including copies of his other court appearances..

May I recommend seeing fireproof? It was just realeased on DVD on tuesday. Good luck!

You have kids with him so you will be connected for the rest of your life. Please try to work it out. Kids change the couple's dinamic a lot. But do you think you will find someone who will love your kids more than he does? If you need any support please do not hesitate to e-mail me. I am a firm believer that everything gets better with time. Good luck!

I am currently going thru a horrible divorce/custody issue for now 2 years, its been hell. My ex is just being mean doesn't want to agree on anything and that is whats dragging this out. I'm financially and mentally destroyed, it takes a toll on you. I agree with some moms here, do everything you can to work it out, and if it doesn't you know that you at least tried all you could. I was with my ex for 15 years I tried so hard to keep our marriage together but once he became physically violent that was it, I left with my children, still was nice enough to allow him visitation (he never hurt the kids), but after 4 years of separation I started dating again and he went thru the roof and its been a nightmare ever since. I strongly suggest you start counseling for yourself and children as you will all need it, they need to understand that its not their fault no matter what is told to them. Believe me your ex will try to turn them against you, mine did. Good luck sweetie, hope all goes well. God bless.

I am currently going through a divorce. You can private message me if you have questions.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Calvary Church in Naperville has a Divorce Recovery Group (and I think a seperation one too). It is lead by a guy named Tom.

Been there too. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

My only advice is to try not to let your emotions (and his emotions) color your decisions. There will be times that you WANT to say or do something and the best option is NOT TO. Just take a deep breath and try to make decisions at a time when you can think logically. If he's doing or saying things to you...hang up or walk away until you can both talk rationally.

Try not to get advice from people close to the situation. Instead, seek someone outside. People close to you can often let THEIR emotions talk you into something you'll regret later. An outside perspective can offer fair advice.

And finally, remember your children are people, little beings. They are not pawns, they are not property and they are "owned" by no one. They deserve a loving home where they can thrive and grow up to be wonderful adults, wherever that home may be.

Good luck! You'll come out stronger than ever!

My divorce drug out for 3 years. It was final on December 1st. My advice is figure out how to agree on everything. No matter what you think the judge will not give you your day of reckoning... He will split everything you can not agree on in half and that is it. Take the time to work it out with the ex to be and agree on visitation, child support and splitting of the assets and debts.
If you need advice or just someone to give you a different view, send me a message anytime!

Hmm... I suggest checking out www.meetup.com and finding a support group for divorced women. I'm pretty sure there are a few groups in the western suburbs, and you would be able to find some emotional support, which I'm sure will be helpful through the process you (maybe) are about to undertake. The other women in the group can probably recommend lawyers (or tell you who to avoid), and give advice. Maybe even plan outings with the moms and kids that have been through this before.

Best of luck! And though I've never been through a divorce, my husband has, and from my experience just dealing with the repercussions, I suggest you keep a notebook detailing EVERYTHING. For example, I write down when each party arrived at the pick-up/drop-off point, every school event we're not told about, any doctor or ER visit that she fails to tell us about in a timely manner and the bill goes to collections before we were ever told what happened... who had the kids for which holidays this year, when we trade weekends, when the ex schedules an appt. or trip on one of our weekends without asking... it goes on and on. But you want to have documentation of everything, even if you're sure that your soon-to-be-ex will be mature about it, you want to be prepared when he's not. I wish you the best!

Been there, done that. My grandmother reminded me to turn all of my love ot my children and don't forget to love myself. No man is worthy of damaging the love I have inside. My Godmother told me to not make all men pay for what my husband did to me and to not be afraid to love, just remember what tore up the previous relationship. A minister told me to forgive, let go and move on. He said not to hold on and live in the past because I would not be able to completely move on. Best of luck to you and much love. You will make it. God has your back!

I agree--you have to have EVERYTHING in writing. Phone calls, visitation, child support -I mean every detail. I went thru a very ugly divorce 2 years ago and because he never paid me (and lied to the judge) for our business and he was still operating it--that was the money for my children. Keep a journal--write everything down--and do not settle for anything. Many times women often give in and then the ex-husband and the atty. really try to find loopholes. Stay strong and do not compromise.

I have a comparable atty. I worked with.

Good luck-it is not easy but if that is what you really want--your life will be much better in the long run.

Blessings
T.

Gee... I've been going through it for 3 years. Try real hard to fix your marriage, like real hard! So at the very, very least you can look back if it fails and say you did ALL you could. It's killer on everyone and I mean killer. I have been through 3 lawyers. If it does fail see Gemma Allen at Ladden & Allen.

Hi, L.,

If it is a matter of your or the children's safety, you must get out of his presence at once. Otherwise, if you are trying to decide whether to divorce, ask yourself whether you would be better off with or without your husband. Then ask yourself whether your children would be better off with or without him in their daily lives (assuming he is already present), especially in such matters as the example they see of how husband and wife get along, how men treat women, etc. (Remember that dads typically get a good amount of visitation so they will still see him.) Then ask yourself if you can manage to live on what you earn, should he decide not to cooperate, and what kind of support you can realistically expect from family and friends if you separate. When you answer all these questions, you should have a pretty clear picture of your situation and how to move forward. Good luck! It is never easy but you have to do what you have to do for yourself and your children!

S.
been there, kids better off