Disruptive 6Yo Son - Sorry It Is Long but I Really Need Advice!

That's a lot of changes for a six year old - moved away from grandparents, starting kindergarten and another move and new school and his dad being gone for a time. It's a lot for adults who understand why, but he has all these changes and no control. Talk to his new school and give him some time to cope and adjust.
My son's plan at 5 was to just stay in preschool until he was old enough to teach lol. Then we moved 2 days before he started kindergarten. It was really rough on him. He didn't handle change well (still doesn't at 17). The school was great and worked with us. Give it time, but stay on top of it and ask the school for suggestions to partner with them.

I don't know.
I do know this. Sometimes boys take a little longer to "tie the line" in a classroom setting.
It's just not their nature (usually) to sit quietly for extended periods of time.
And in his defense, he has been uprooted to a new school, classroom, teacher, peers and rules in the same year. Not helping, I would bet. And more change is right around the corner.
O. idea I will give you is that our teachers post their classroom res on their web page. Do yours? Maybe try reviewing the class rules every morning and every evening with him?
Hopefully his life will settle after this next move.
And I'd approach it up front with his new teacher.
Good luck!

What is he eating for breakfast? Does it agree with him?

Try to experiment with his behaviors. You can chart his meals and behavior at home. Not for the purpose of disciplining and tracking 24/7, but to see what works.

Does he eat cereal every morning? Change it to oatmeal or eggs. Switch it up, but keep track of his behavior and marks at school. Cut the sugar treats (if any) and reward him with a hot wheel car or something.

I pick on sugar because that is the biggest culprit, but he could be reacting to many different things. It could be flour, corn, certain fruits, etc. Sometimes kids don't tell us that certain foods make them feel a certain way. When we don't feel well, we could become irritable, anxious, hyper, etc.

My husband has always snuck a sugar sweet in here and there. It has taken a lot of work to get him on board with the proper diet, but he is getting there. We were out shopping the other day and my daughter was hungry so I grabbed a recess peanut butter cup at the check out counter. I gave her one cup and she was doing leaps and spins through the parking lot. I got a very dirty look that day from the man who said a little sugar doesn't hurt.

Absolutely, his behavior has a lot to do with your move. I would consider that to be the main reason. And yes, his previous teacher "checking out" has not helped.

I wouldn't rush to assume that he has ADHD. Medicating an child who does not have ADHD is like giving a kid SPEED, and you don't want to make that mistake.

I think it would be helpful to you to talk with the guidance counselor about next year's first grade assignment. You want to ask her to pair him with the first grade teacher who is not the most strict (he will drive her crazy) but not a teacher who doesn't try to structure the kids (perhaps they don't have anyone who fits that description.) You really want to work hard to get the school to give you a teacher who won't beat on him all day long. That will make his behavior worse.

I also think that you might ask your ped about having a play therapist come in and observe him and give some recommendations.

Good luck.

OK, trying not to blow a fuse about the comments being made about ADHD. Kids aren't being labeled as having ADHD; they're being diagnosed by skilled medical specialists. Huge difference. Being labeled is being called a "bad kid" and my son certainly had that label before his ADHD diagnosis.

As far as gross overdiagnosis of ADHD, I would argue it's often underdiagnosed. I hear of so many situations where it's diagnosed late and children have suffered through so many labels, trips to the principal, alienation from peers, etc. in the meantime.

Also, when people say kids with ADHD can be helped in ways other than medication, it's only fair to say that if you have a medical degree or experience with ADHD. Please don't jump to conclusions. Any parent with a child with this condition will tell you a whole lot of time and anxiety goes into developing the right treatment plan with doctors. No one throws medications at kids with this condition, but medications do have a fantastic track record in giving people with ADHD a normal life. If you are, in fact, dealing with ADHD, it's an extensive evaluation and treatment process. Rest assured, you'll talk about what might work best for your unique child.

The best thing you can do for your son right now is get him in for an evaluation with a specialist, like a child psychiatrist or neuropsychologist. All of his problems may very well be associated with recent turmoil in his life and the specialists can tell you the problems are not due to a medical condition. However, what if they are due to a medical condition? You really want to have a team of medical experts guiding you in that situation.

Best of luck to you. I hope you get some answers soon.

ETA: Not all kids with ADHD have academic problems. Our son is extremely bright and always did fantastic academically, even before his ADHD was treated. It's strictly his behavior that's the problem.

His behavior is normal. The problem is our new test driven educational philosophy isn't taking into account actual child development.

ADHD is grossly over diagnosed, as are so many of the "other" conditions, like sensory processing, etc. a lot of it is pure social construct B.S. we are labeling kids with "problems" that years ago would have been seen as normal, I.e. oh, the kid is a bit immature, he will grow out of it by 8.

Part of the problem is we are asking 6 year olds to do in school what 8 year olds use to do without regard for emotional and physical development.

I homeschool, and I have met so many families that had to pull their boys from school because they couldn't sit still. Of course not! The kid is 5 or 6, and should be outdoors playing for the bulk of the day, not writing and doing boring worksheets!

Also, we get our teachers from the bottom of the educational pool. Most of them aren't very literate or smart, or even good with kids. Some are terrific, but a lot of them are terrible. I use to teach the brightest educational majors in Illinois. Most weren't very bright. I hate to say it.

My point, give him lots of unconditional love and support, and I am sure everything will turn out fine. If you start down the testing path, you immediately put your unconditional love for him into question, and this can only create more turmoil.

I'd say all the moves are taking a toll.
Every time he has to make new friends and get use to a new teacher.
He doesn't even have the same bedroom he had last fall.
Dad's away a whole lot before each move.

I'm not sure what the point of keeping him in his current kindergarten class is when he's just leaving them in a few weeks and he's being sent to the office so much.
And after this next move, he's only going to have roughly 2 months before school is out for the summer.
Maybe you can home school him till he can start 1st grade in the fall?
If he doesn't settle down after being in one place for 6 solid months, then I'd see about having him evaluated.
It's a shame he's got all this going on during his kindergarten year but if he had these multiple re-locations to deal with in middle school or high school it would be a lot harder to keep him caught up.

Wait, you have a a 5 or 6 year old boy who has trouble sitting still, keeping to himself and waiting his turn to speak? Sounds serious indeed (insert sarcasm here...)

I had a long rant that I was going to post about the gross overdiagnosis of ADHD in young boys... but I guess this is not really the place.

I would suggest to attack his behavior problems twofold: teach him coping techniques that will help him be more calm and collected at school. Counting to 5 to himself before blurting out, taking 5 deep breaths when he gets the impulse to get up, simple techniques like this that will help him think before he acts. Yoga for kids or certain martial arts can also be helpful.
The other thing I can only recommend is making sure that he gets adequate excercise every day. Can you walk him to school or ride the bike with him there? That would be ideal. Otherwise make sure he has at least an hour or two of active outside play EVERY afternoon. Sign him up for soccer, take him for a run... you get the idea.

Good luck!

That is a TON of turmoil. Talk to the school as soon as you get to the new one, or even now, and ask if the counselor can work with your son to adjust. Be proactive about this. Ask them what you can do to help him with the transition. I wouldn't rush to a "diagnosis" based on what is going on now, because the amount change he is going through would make an ADULT bonkers, let alone a child who has no control of the situation.

The poor kid is overwhelmed and doesn't have the words or emotional maturity to verbalize it like an adult. Talk to his current school about this, see if the counselor can help him there. Maybe talk to your pediatrician about any recommendations.

I wish you luck!

Hi E.,
Even when many around you will tell you the opposite, I believe he is fine.
At this age, kids need lots of activity and exercise, room to play, room for imagination, room to move around!.
Keep teaching him what to do in different situations at school, during recess, during class, teacher and classmates' interaction, etc. Teach him by playing with him at school, and simulate what happens at school: how to take turns, when to raise his hand, how to use a "library" voice, and particularly, what to do when he is bored, what to do when he is D. before others, how to behave at lunch, etc....just practice. There are many mechanisms or "tricks" that you can discuss with his teacher to do this.
On another hand, yes, some facts and some things in his life will contribute his behavior, for this you may want to check on:
bedtime schedule
meals, snacks
nice and consistent routine
lots of activities outdoor or indoor in a rec center or so.
In my experience, meals and bedtime routine are VERY important, the same for his school work, same place and same time is usually VERY important so he know what to expect.
Do not worry, and do not get impatient; keep guiding him and supporting him without losing your temper. Eventually, he will get it and will learn.
It is a good idea to work, sometimes, with the teacher and the counselor at school, BUT do not let them to interfere with YOUR family. What is from school, keep it at school, and what it is from your family, keep it in the family. I mean, not too much detail, just what they need to know.

I think all the changes and disruptions combined with the fact that he's five and is still learning self-control and how to be in school can account for most of what he is doing.

I am glad to see that you, as I, believe that too many people are too willing to very quickly label a child with ADHD. I don't truly think you can really diagnose that until around age 7 when kids normally mature a bit and usually calm down and really "get it" when it comes to school and appropriate behavior in the classroom.

I think you should give it time. I would still do the positive reinforcement, but back off on the consequences and see what happens after he's had time to adjust after the next move.

I think you are right about the turmoil in his life. Especially if you look at the first of the K yr. his teacher's structure was just what he needed.

Now if you decide that is his problem, what are you going to do about it?
Move again. Ugh. You are asking a lot from him. YOU are going to have to be his continuity. You have to be stepping up your game with structure and timing and maybe some practice at home. Take turns in a game, lots of games. No blurting out things, no talking over people, no interrupting people, wait for things patiently. Hey, why not try church? A Sunday School is good practice, too.

This can't happen again. I moved and went to 6 different schools. It wasn't a good thing. I determined then, if it were in my power, I would not move my kids around like that. Sometimes it can't be helped but not twice in a year.

At this point I would also suspect that the behavior is because of the recent instability. His behavior is pretty mildly irritating compared to what a child with obvious ADHD would be exhibiting.

If you took him to his pediatrician one of the first questions they'd ask you is if there have been any recent changes: births, deaths, a move, etc.

ETA: My son has been diagnosed with ADHD by 2 different specialists. His Kindergarten teacher has 7 boys of her own (one of whom is in another Kinder class) and even she can't handle him. He has been kicked out of soccer, t-ball and karate because his impulsivity and distractability are such a problem. He has been to the principal's office more in his first 8 months of school than even my little brother who was expelled from high school ever had to go. If your son's behavior does not improve after your living situation stabilizes, then I might mention it to his Pediatrician and ask for a referral to a specialist.

I am sure the move had a it to do with it. That being said he is a six year old boy that is expected to sit and is expected to learn in K what we learned In first and second grade. So sad I my opinion. I think just time will work for him.

Please go (without him, the first time) to see the school counselor ASAP. Ask the counselor to work with you then and there on specific, concrete things to do and say to help him. He is indeed crying out for help -- kids need structure at school AND at home and he has it neither place, what with the move, the next move, and dad being away. It's no one's fault, but you need some strategies for handling him or it's going to spiral. You mention that "we have tried positive reinforcement, negative consequences, and everything in between" -- but how long have you stuck firmly with one way of handling it? He may be confused because you've tried "everything" but haven't stuck with any one thing long enough for him to learn what to expect when he behaves certain ways -- and part of the stability he needs is the stability of knowing what to expect, even when he misbehaves.

You, the counselor and the classroom teacher all need to work together on this. You're moving in just a few weeks, well before the end of the school year -- steel yourself and expect his behavior to worsen before it gets better. He may be starting to feel that school is the place he can act out his frustrations, and the new school where he will start after this next move could be a tough situation for him. Please be sure to go see the counselor and get a meeting with both the counselor and the teacher in his NEW school before he even starts there. They need to know the situation in detail. Be clear that it's not just a matter of "we just moved here" -- he's been through a couple of moves, not just one, and is also missing his dad. You and they, and the current teacher and counselor too, really need to be very proactive.

He WILL get through all this but it's going to be tougher before it gets easier.

I have 2 boys with ADHD. What I will say is that for ADHD kids, their academic perfomance suffers terribly due to their inattention. Since your son's academic performance is fine, I would say that he's simply a very active little boy who needs extra "run around" time and some work on how to conduct himself in class.

I highly recommend getting him up an hour earlier and letting him run outside, bike, play, and get some extra energy and wiggle out of his system.

I would also agree that the changes that are going on are probably contributing to his behavior, and I would be sure to keep his day very scheduled to help him. A chaotic environment leads to chaotic behavior in our children. So try to minimize the chaos.

I finally recomment the book "Love and Logic." This is a way to teach him using real life consequences.

Best,
C. Lee

What you're leaving out of this story is how he acts outside of school. Can he sit and play a game like Candyland with you and take turns? Can he refrain from interrupting you when you're talking to an adult? Can he play quietly with a favorite toy for more than 5 minutes? If you're at a restaurant is he running amok or keeping his voice at a decent level and sitting with you? Can he sit and listen to a story? If he is just learning those things how much are you working with him on those things?
Whether he is a typical boy or one with ADHD, I don't believe that lecturing him about the school rules will help, nor punishing him rewarding him later after the fact. Have him practice school behavior with you. A lot.
If he feels his life (with the moves and father away) is out of his control, what are you doing to give him some control? Giving him choices to make that are in his control? Try to get some tips from an expert on that.