My twelve year old daughter, youngest of three girls, has become quite rude, defiant and her grades are starting to slip (usually As & Bs, now some Cs). Her father and I went through a long, ugly divorce (4years) and we now share custody of the girls. I have tried to explain to the dad that it's important that we are a united front when it comes to raising the children. Unfortunately, he is all talk and no action. My daughter suffers consequences for inappropriate behavior when she is with me but not when she is with him. How do I get through to my daughter the importance of respect, kindness, doing good in school, chosing good friends and basically staying out of trouble when her father caves in to her tantrums and demands? My two older girls had their moments of normal teenage rebellion but nothing like what I'm experiencing with my youngest.
The latest on my disrespectful tween. I spoke with her about her grades, asked how she could better organize herself so homework does not fall through the cracks (mind you, I've had this conversation several times before, offering to get organizers, wall calendars, using internet reminders etc). She became loud and defensive stating, in a rude, aggressive tone, that she cannot be responsible to take her books to both houses (!). I reminded her that I would not stand for her disrespectful tone, that we would be able to resolve the issue if we communicated in a civil manner, but she would not stop the sassy voice. I took her phone away and discovered some extremely inappropriate language in messages on her phone and sexually charged pictures received as phone messages and stored in her photo album. Sidenote, it was not an easy decision to look in her phone, I want to respect her privacy but her behavior has me so worried, and her pictures and messages confirmed my concerns. Her father finally responded to me, saying I was overbearing and causing her anxiety. I am trying to raise happy healthy children who feel good about themselves and can be productive members of society. As a result the father is now taking me to court to try and get sole custody of our 12 year old. I am at a loss. I have looked in to a group therapy session for parents of difficult children to see if I can find a different approach.
I think its a girl thing because my 10 year old daughter is doing the same thing. She is sassy, rude and just a brat! Good luck to both of us.
The thing to remember is that you can't and don't have control over what happens in any household but your own...not her friend's house, grandparent's house or even her dad's house. You have to stick with whatever discipline techniques work in your house and not worry about whatever happens discipline wise at her dad's...you can't change his behavior.
Raising teenagers is tough. When it was really gets hard, you can try grounding them from electronics (tv, computer, cellphone) or limiting their contact with friends. Try spending more 1:1 time with your daughter, doing things that she enjoys. That way, she will start to open up to you about what is going on. Also, another thing to think about, has she changed groups of friends lately and started hanging around kids you don't know? That could be a sign that she is experimenting with alcohol or drugs. I would monitor her contact with friends for awhile. Invite them to your home and get to know them.
Best of luck to you.
Hi E C
You sound like your surprised,that your daughter is effected by your divorce.Your other daughters are older,therefore likely to have A better understanding or ability to cope with this drastic change in their lives. They've no doubt established solid friendships,and interest outside the home,so they have an escape,someone to lend An ear,A good friend to pour out their concerns, hurt or frustrations too.You need to stop trying to compare her with her siblings.She is an individual. She has her own unique personality.Shes not going to behave or react to your demands like they did,because this situation effects her differently.You don't mention what consequences she suffers,as A result of her bad behavior,but it would appear,what ever they are,its not working. You mentioned the importance of selecting (Good friends) It gives one the impression,that you feel the need to approve or select those for her.Your daughter is twelve years old,not three.She is old enough to choose her own friends.If you can't trust her,permit her to make even the simplest choices at her age,how do you expect her to mature and grow?She needs to learn,that its O K not to be perfect. That we all make mistakes,and can learn from them,that its healthy to laugh at ourselves and most important,that you except her,and love her for who she is. This would be A good time to have A nice Mother, Daughter talk. Allow her to speak openly and honest about her concerns,and what she deems unfair or a problem in your relationship,then take the steps to change things.We're all special,in our own way.It's important for us as parents to remind ourselves. Not every child will react the same,to our repetitious, tired methods.If we thought that way,We would resemble that, of A world of Clones.Take the time,to understand her,and it will improve your relationship and your lives. I wish you both the very best. J. M
Looking back on myself at that age... tweens/teens or any kids for that matter, they act like that when they feel the Parent is NOT accepting them for who they are, or are NOT "trusting" them or not understanding them or are trying to make them into what they are not.
THIS is the crux of a lot of head-butting, at this age, between a child/teen and their Parent.
You need to try and build a closeness with her, somehow... NOT a habit of critiquing or arguing or conflict. Otherwise a vicious cycle with occur. And then you will be out of the loop and she won't come to you for anything nor communicate nor tell you her feelings anymore.
That is how my sibling was, with my Mom. My Mom had the tendency to critique my sibling, more than me. And well, my sibling basically rebelled and because she felt that my Mom held her to different standards, than me. Thus conflict.
My sibling was a lot like your daughter is sounds like. And all my sibling "complained" about (to me confiding) was how "Mom doesn't like me... she picks on me... she doesn't like anything I do... she only likes you..."
These feelings are detrimental to a teen... they REALLY get affected by how their Parent "feels" about them.
But yes, you need to have boundaries. Of course... but at the same time, creating a 'bond' with this daughter. It will take time. She has to 'trust' in that. And maybe, she doesn't feel good about herself either... which is common in many teen girls. So they seek "acceptance" elsewhere... even with 'bad' friends. So, COUNTER that tendency in her. She obviously needs "acceptance" and to feel better about herself... and she NEEDS guidance without critique. Or maybe she feels she's in the shadows of her older siblings? No kid likes that, nor to be compared.
Maybe get her involved in a mentoring program? Or a "Big Brother/Big Sister" program since you are a single parent. http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...
Have her get involved in special interest clubs or fun classes... instead of just hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Its not easy... it really isn't. But keep trying and a kid needs to KNOW that their Mom BELIEVES IN THEM.
*adding this:
To me, a child acts-out... as in your daughter or my sibling, when they don't feel good about themselves, AND in conjunction with their interaction with their Parent. For a long time... my sibling "blamed" my Mom for her insecurities and lack of trust in her. And as such, my sibling never took seriously, my Mom's parental "lectures" or guidance, nor respected it... because she was not getting the "respect" in return. As she felt, as a teen... in a teen's mind and heart. You have to reach their heart... it is there, even if you feel it is not.
All the best,
Susan
Hi EC,
The reason your youngest daughter is having the hardest time behaviorally with the divorce is probably due to her age. I speak from clinical experience here...when splits happen just as a girl enters puberty, they can be much more scarring emotionally. This is not your fault, BUT your best course of action would be to seek homeopathic treatment for your daughter at this time. It could quite conceivably prevent lifelong emotional damage with consequences to her real-life choices later on. Let me know if you need a referral to a solidly trained practitioner.
Be well,
S. I., L.Ac., HMA
Lotus Wellspring Healthcare
456 E. Mission Road, Suite 100
San Marcos, CA 92069
###-###-####
____@____.com
www.lotuswellspring.com
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Please go to www.loveandlogic.com. Thet have amazing parenting methods and audio cds you can listen to in your car. It has helped me so much~
S.
E C
Unfortunately this is all too common with at least one child when a divorce has taken place. I am the oldest of two girls from my mother's previous marriage and I did some of what you have described about your youngest daughters behavior. I became very rebellious when I was told "not to do something." I would strongly suggest you get her some counseling so she can come to terms with your divorce. She is having problems accepting the reasons for your divorce and she does not fully understand. You probably should include your ex in this counseling since your "united front" is not so united right now.
Leave the door open for discussion with your daughter and include any counseling that it will take for her to learn about how your divorce happened and why. I can assure you from my own personal experience, she will come around and eventually understand why her personal world is so confusing at this time. She is also under a great deal of stress from her peers, and wants desperately to fit in with the other girls.
Stick to your rules and enforce them as you already do, but consider some counseling for your daughter and your family as a whole. This in turn will show your daughters the resolve you have to keep your rules and accept them for themselves. Always remember, you were once a child too and let your children know you can relate to what they are going through.
This has been my experience and my mother never shared with me, however, I did share with my daughter and she is now over 30 yo.
Hello, Unfortunately, you can onl deal with the issues which come up when your daughter is with you. Hopefully, what you are teaching her at home is getting in her head. Also, have your other daughters tried talking to her and buddying up with her? That might help when they are at their dad's. I would just keep up with what you are already doing at your home.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
