Disregard Ques

Why do you keep trying to hold her responsible for something she can't do? Setting kids up for failure is just something I do not understand. She has never remembered to tie the dog up, exactly what makes you think today will be the day?

Sorry but this is all on you. Stop expecting to repeat the same process with a different outcome. Instead, talk to her, figure out what tools she needs to change the process.

Perhaps you don't understand what it is like to grow up with people thinking if they ground you enough, punish you enough you will suddenly be normal. Well I can tell you it makes you angry and it makes you feel like a constant failure.
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Sorry I probably should explain, you are attributing to her the reasons you would forget, that she doesn't care. She does care, I am sure she loves the dog. Problem is at the point when it matters she isn't connecting why it matters. When I speak of tools I mean something that makes that connection every time she lets the dog out. Only she knows that tool and only you can help her figure it out.
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Oh, cute, so for those that show up to dots, she has a 16 year old with Aspergers that forgets to tie up the dog when she lets them out. Apparently she always forgets to tie up the dog when she lets the dog out. They also consider the dog to belong to the child.

So she let the dog out untied yesterday, a few days ago, recently, not sure, and the OP had to miss work looking for the dog. Now she let the dog out again and this time the dog was picked up by the pound so the OP wants to charge her a fine for her missing work and picking up the dog.

I am sure I missed some of the finer points but that was my takeaway.
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My answer was never about beating you up, only defending a child who needs to be defended. Odd really, I make mistakes with my spectrum kid but I have never beat myself up over it, that sounds too much like victim talk, like a plea for pity.

I don't know that much about Asperger's.... well, nothing really. And what I know about Autism comes from this site and the fact that I work with quite a few people who are "on the spectrum" based on my job.

I'm not sure she connects "fault" and so to punish her this time isn't going to make her get the connection.

Would she be able to NOT let the dog out? Have that be someone esle's responsibility?

What will make her change her behavior.... so she will do what you want her to? If she CAN'T change her behavior.... then you have to adjust yours in order to accommodate, right? In that case.... no I wouldn't make her pay. If she isn't able to do the task and you keep holding her responsible for doing something SHE can't do (regardless of if her younger sister can or not) then you are also responsible.

I guess also.... if she doesn't do much with the dog and doesn't take care of him..... why is he supposed to be "her" dog? he's either the family dog and EVERYONE takes care of him..... or she can't have a dog if she is supposed to take care of him but CAN'T (or repeatedly doesn't). The reason I don't have a dog is because my 12 year old (who isn't on the spectrum) would not be able to take care of him the way I feel a pet should be cared for..... therefore, we don't have a pet. Now, if you all got a therapeutic dog for her..... then as parents you need to take responsibility for the dog.

I just want to say here that everyone in the family is responsible for the family pet. It should NEVER just be the child's job to take care of a pet. Children forget all kinds of stuff. Adults do too. We are supposed to have each other's backs so that things get done. I help my husband, he helps me. I help my kids, they help me. Between all of us, somehow we manage to keep life afloat.

Mama, it's hard enough with a child without Asperger's. Those of us with children without Asperger's have trouble with our kids remembering and being responsible, too. I hope that your dog recovers. I also hope that your child doesn't think this is all her fault, because it ISN'T.

Dawn

After you erased the question (I didn't see it) and after your SWH. Please stop beating yourself up. Parenting the average kid is difficult. Your daughter is an Aspie. Why do you think that you should already know how to parent her? Parenting is a process of observing, educating ones self, trying out ways of doing things, and trying with a different thing when that thing doesn't work. Do not expect yourself to be perfect. Do expect that many things that you try will not work even when they work with other parents and children.

I, too, tend to thing thru incidents trying to figure out what I could've done differently. I've learned over the years to only do that briefly and to accept that what happened this time just happened, knowing that over time a pattern will show it's self and I'll recognize what to do differently.
It does absolutely no good to beat yourself up about it. In fact it makes the situation worse. You're tense and unhappy which affects the rest of your family. And......it makes it more difficult for you and your daughter to get along. She needs acceptance. Not of her actions but of what causes those actions. Then teach her how to handle the cause, if possible. Aspies have a general set of abilties and inabilities. Perhaps she's not able to remember to tie the dog up on her own. Perhaps she needs a way to cue herself. Perhaps someone else needs to let the dog out. Any number of different ways to try.

You and your daughter are unique. Celebrate yourselves. Get help from others, just as you tried to do on this site. Are you in touch with a professional who can help you know what you can expect from your daughter and tell you ways to work around her differences?

I don't see any of these posts beating you up. The moms were suggesting a different way of looking at the situation and managing your daughter and the dog.

As to the purpose of your post. If you were wanting sympathy this is not the sight for that. We ask and answer questions. We provide support for change. It is true that sometimes moms do get support for the vent when they specifically say in their post that it is just a rant and not a need for ideas. Were you that specific? Still there are usually some answers that include suggestions. And the post that is really just a rant doesn't go into details about something new. It's usually about a situation that they'e posted about before or it's about a situation with which moms can feel a kinship.

Also, giving you suggestions is a way to support you. I nearly always sympathize and rush to help "fix" the situation. When I'm upset I'm wanting a way to feel less upset and for me ideas on how to do something differently is a part of that.

I don't think her Asperger is really the issue here. She doesn't have a dog; your family has a dog. Every person in your household is responsible for that dog. It's time to sit down with a list of everything that needs to be done on a daily basis and assign who will do what and when. Finger pointing at who isn't pulling their weight isn't going to mean much when that dog dies after being hit by a car while running around the neighborhood. Please stop this and start thinking about what you need to do as a family to keep your dog safe and sound.

Thank you Jo, for clearing this up. I read the op and was shocked at her attitude, most especially toward her child.

I really hope somehow a positive outcome will happen here for the child and the dog since mom takes no responsibility.

True... No one is perfect but gees... At least support your children

Is it even legal to tie up a dog? It's not here.