I have raised my step kids since they were 2 and 4. Now they are 14 and 16 and we have had an okay relationship. They call me mom and I accept them as my own kids. But my husband and I are having problems with them. They know our rules but they continue to break them. Tf we tell them not to do something they do it and we tell them to do something they dont do it. They also do not appreciate anything we do for them or buy for them. They also dont have very much respect for us. We have 3 other kids mine are 11 and 13 and we have a 6 yr old that is both of ours, they are not like this. They obey the rules, do as we say, and dont do what we tell them not to about 90% of the time. They are very appreciative and respectful. They have all been raised the same way by the same people. We just are running out of ideas and so are the family counselors.
I havent figured it out yet but I appreciate what Ive been told. This isnt normal teenage behavior because Ive been deeling with it for 7 yrs I just though it would get better. They are not on drugs they are so sheltered they dont go any where with out us and we are always at hom when they are because we cant trust them. I do have a teenager who is 9 months younger than the 14 yr old and he hit puberty before the other 2 did and I have and 11 yr old they dont obey us the way the other 2 do. They are all treated equally and have been raised all together for 12 years. I do take their things away and have taken everyhing out of their rooms and they dont care.
Drug test them. You can buy a kit at the drug store today and have your answer in less than 5 minutes. Many family counselors they aren't trained in recognizing or dealing w/ a teen who is experimenting w/drugs. That can quickly change a kids thinking and choice-making quick.
16 and 14 is a difficult age. Listen to them as much as possible -they are going through a lot. They are naturally selfish at this age and so I wouldn't "do for them or buy them" very much. Make them do for themselves to earn the things that they want. And, take heart, they will grow out of this with patience. Make sure the rules are appropriate for their age and explain why you have the rules, ex. for their safety, etc. Good luck.
Hi T.,
While I don't know your particular situation completely, I think I can offer some general comments. Sometimes stepchildren can feel unloved by the stepparent, especially if the stepparent has children of his/her own. They can feel left out. Remember to love them as you do your own children, and try not to make comparisons between the two sets of kids, that can make things even worse. Finally, just try to remember that they are in that hormonal phase of adolesence. No matter what you do sometimes, they will just be ungrateful. Good luck!
Sounds like your 14 and 16 year olds are teenagers!!!!
It's hard to know what to suggest with so little information - plus, my kids are younger so I can't claim to have experience. But I would like to suggest "parenting with love and logic" (see www.loveandlogic.com). We have friends who adopted a 16 year old who had a number of issues, and they said the practical advice really helped.
B.
Hi, T....
Have your 2 older kids starting "hanging" with a new crowd over the past couple of years? You might want to check that out.
I would have to say that there are going to be CONSEQUENCES for their misbehavior. If they have cell phones...take them away. If they have access to the car (the 16 year old, anyway)...NO driving privileges. If they want you and your husband to buy something they *want*, DON'T. Make them earn the money. They can do that by doing the chores around the house that are assigned to them, WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Be reasonable with the amount earned, but not generous. (oh, and if they do complain, they get to do the chore for FREE) If you are finding that they are not doing homework assignments, contact the teachers and let them know you want to know about the assignments being given the kids (ask if they will email you with the info each week). Let them know that if they do not keep up with their schoolwork, they will be going to SUMMER school next year...NO exceptions!! If they have tv's, ps2's, and such stuff in their rooms, take them OUT. These children need to learn to respect you and their daddy, and the other kids are watching them, so if you don't get them straightened out now, you may end up going through this 3 more times! (And that does not sound like any fun to me!) Sorry this got to be so long...it's just all the ideas I could come up with to help you and your hubby. I'm not a therapist or a counselor, but these are things that I have just "learned along the way".
Feel free to email me at ____@____.com, or call me at ###-###-#### if you need to talk and "vent". Best wishes for you and your family!
I agree with all the posts, get advice ladies! Here is one that I read in the paper and saw on TV. A mother found that her son had a VERY small (but still illegal of course!) joint in his room. She took EVERYTHING out of his room except his mattress and linens. He had to (by time and good behavior) "earn" his belongings, tv games etc. back. Sounds harsh but in the end, this child has learned respect and responsibility, not to mention listening to his mother no questions asked! He was around your kids age if I remember correctly. In this day and age, kids are so oblivious to what things cost and how hard, we as parents have to work for them. A little dose in "having nothing" is a great eye opener!!!! Hope you don't need this tactic, but just in case.....
