Disinterested In-Laws

Hi J.~
Sometimes you just have to accept people as what they are and build a relationship on that. They are grown and unlikely to change, as you are unlikely to change into their behaviors. It would be wonderful if they were interested, but they aren't so you have to find peace with the time you do have and accept it at face value. At best, it can be a great opportunity to teach your children tolerance and unconditional acceptance even when there is nothing to gain. Good luck with it!
~L.

Maybe it is time to adopt a new family. There are a number of grandparent types around who whould love the chance to love young children. They could be friends from the neighborhood or that you know from church or anywhere else.

My granddaughter is loved by 2 sets of grandparents and even more great grandparents (and more adopted ones) but she has other grandparents who don't even know her name. The ones who don't get involved are missing a lot and the ones who are involved are getting a great deal of love.

You don't get a choice in who is in the 'real' family but building your own is wonderful and if someone doesn't fit they can be dropped from either one.

Make the best of what you have and go on to do what makes it work for you. Good luck, and give your son extra hugs from everyone.

I have the opposite problem....one who can be to invovled at times, she means well and does it with love but it can be frustrating at times.

I guess as one mom said, they are who they are, you can't change that, the only advice I would have is accept them for who they are.

When you go to thier house don't ask what food to bring just bring some that all of you can enjoy, plan things so that when you are at thier house and they have somewhere to be your family can go and entertain themselves, don't sit around waiting for them, look at it as a hotel that is ran by family, where you are still responsible for activities, but get to go "home" at night.

Same for when they are visiting you, don't cater to them, Go about your lives like you do on a daily bases, but invite them to join you in whatever it is you have planned, they don't want to go fine they can stay at the house.

More importantly don't take it personally, some people just aren't the granparenty type of people. Look into the adopt a granparent programs out there, there are seniors who would love to fill the void you are feeling, and think of the wonderful thing you would be doing for them, they would appriciate what your family has to offer!

J. I soooo know how u feel!!! My mother in law is the same way. Sad part is ... she drives by our house every day to go to work but only see my son maybe once every 2 months if that. Crazy....... Also since me and my hubby got married in august she has been shyin away from us even more and more. I keep in mind what someone else said. Fill them with kindness even if they gave away a family house they were suppose to sell so they could help with a house for your ur family. I am still goin to her house for christmas and filling it with joy with my 3 kids. Good Luck !!

Actually yes, i don't think you are the only one. I actually moved over 1300 miles to be close to my parents to have them turn around and move away. Talk about rejection. I personally just wanted my kids to get to know them and spend some time with them. Which they did, i have 3 stepsons, I wanted them to know who their grandparents were, we lived close by for 1-1/2 yrs before my parents moved to live with my brother. All I can say is you are doing your best. You provide them with the opportunity to get to know their grandchildren, from there it is up to them. When we moved away from my husbands family, I felt exactly like you, they never paid attention to the kids and were always too busy. I just learned that it is their loss. The kids really don't need the extra toys, they were around them enough to get to know them, but kids really don't care, as long as they have parents and friends, grandparents are just extras. They may have the opportunity to get to know them better once they are older. But, don't stress about it! Sit back, enjoy your time with your kids, those are memories that you will have. I would still correspond and send pictures to let them see what they are missing. They will come around, if not, its on them! You can only do what you can do. have a great holiday.

J., you don't say anything about your husband having any brothers or sisters. Does he have any that live far from you? It really seems like a strange situation that has gone on for so many years.

Maybe this Christmas you should have a family conference and have your husband explain how you both feel. How were things when he grew up? Did they participate in his life, go to his activities, or was he just on his own. Maybe they are just not into family stuff but it is so weird.

Please talk to your husband about how you feel. Maybe he is used to the way his parents are and you haven't ever mentioned how you feel?

Please let us know how things turnout at Christmas.

M. B in Boise Idaho

J..(which is my mils name by the way lol)

I too lost my mom way before having kids or meeting my now husband. she passed in 1992 at 44.
i think the place you and myself are coming from is a place of what we think that mil relationship should be or we want it to be and it can be hard to accept it's not what we invisioned it would be. my relationship with my sister has never been a sisterly relationship and i have tried for years. said my sorries many many times over and over for things i didn't think i did anything wrong. suggested counseling. i got a 'too little too late'. i had to finally accept and grieve what i have invisioned our relationship would be. as with my mil, i wouldn't say she and my fil aren't involved like yours sound like. but i would have wanted a closer relationship with her. someone i could talk to about things like i talk to my dad about. or how i used to talk to my own mom. my inlaws are in their late 60's and are still very very active. compete in water skiing and travel for a few months at a time in thier motor home. but when they are here they love to spend time with us and they are hre at the drop of a hat for the kids. they live 30-45 mins away.
but, it's not like i can call her to just chit chat.
i've had this conversation about my feelings with my husband. he suggested i just talk to her like i talked to him about my feelings and wanting to have a closer relationship. but i haven't yet. and i know my mil is a good hearted woman and christian. my ex mil(when i was married previously)tried too hard to be my mom. and wanted me to call her that. and my husband talked to his mom about that before we got married so i wonder to myself if she doesn't want to come off too pushy and trying to take my moms place like i felt like my ex mil was trying. but i guess since it's both mil and fil then maybe that's not the case with your mil and why she is distant.
the whole food thing or plans thing. minor infractions really in the whole sceem of things. not everyone views guests the same way. since you are family maybe they don't consider you guests they need to cater to. but family to just go open the frig door yourself.
i agree with so many other posts. maybe just talking to them to let them know what kind of relationship you invisioned might bring about change. but after that if it's just not their personality to be that way, then you can't change them and need to find a way to accept it.
i agree it's not the people in your life that you are biologically related to that creates a family. it's those you choose to have in your life. they don't have to be blood to be love and loving and considered family.
i'm feeling for you though where your moms passing is concerned.
sorry so long.. good luck..
it can be a grieving process to let go of that invisioned relationship
T.

Hi J.,
So sorry. I have in-laws who are similarly absent from our lives. They rarely call and my dh rarely calls them- they live far away and we see them maybe twice a year. I just keep trying and there are times when its better and times when it is worse. I do try to email my MIL sometimes and that seems to help us stay in contact better. I wish they were more a part of our child's life but in the end its their choice and they are the ones missing out.

I would say keep trying but invest less of your heart into it. Reach out but don't expect much returned so that either way its an ok situation. I know its hard and kinda sad that you will never have that relationship that your mother would of had with your children. I did like the suggestion of one of the other ladies about neighborhood surrogate grandparents. Or you can adopt a grandparent. I wish you luck and peace.
H.

We have actually dealt with this from BOTH sides. My parents, especially, do not seem interested in the kids. They have this "I raised my children, I'm done." mentallity. They are missing out on so much! My son is now 22 and just married last January. We are hoping to hear a pregnancy announcement in the near future. My dh and I have decided that we could just make the choice to learn from our parents and NOT be standoffish to our grandchildren. Oh, and our kids are fine with not having spent that much time with them since they really never knew any different. I think the grandparents are the ones who really miss out.

I'm dying to see what others have to say, because except for the money issue--my in-laws are insanely generous--it sounds like we have the same in-laws. They have left us at their home with our children to put to bed while they go out, they never ask me questions, sometimes I have arrived alone after traveling eight hours with the children to find that there is nothing for dinner--and they knew I was coming. Like yours, they are young and they love their booze and their drinking friends and their parties. I felt hurt and rejected by their lack of interest, but recently I just stopped volunteering any information about myself; I just ask them questions and let that be that. For whatever reason, they do not wish to know me; so I will be pleasant, even flattering at times, but I will also be aware that I am not much more to them than the vessel for their grandchildren.

I would like to know if your in-laws invite you, or if you invite yourselves. When you invite them, do they balk or try to put you off? Mine do; if fact they visit very little anymore--usually briefly when they are off to visit party pals an hour or so north of us. My mother-in-law never calls me unless she needs to know something about the kids--which I suppose is more than you get.

I guess what I am trying to say is you just be the best that you can be with what you've got to work with--but remember that you are dealing with two very selfish individuals. You already know what your dealing with; don't expect anything more than they are willing to give. Just be aware that some day they will be sorry for their indifference "when the chickens come home to roost."