Disconnected from Family

But why are they doing this?? Is there more to this? It just seems really weird. Can you try to get to the root of the problem, and is there any reason they would send you to Coventry?

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Hi - I am one of 7 siblings. We have a Lake house and invite everyone to come for one summer weekend each year and have been doing this for many years. The family has grown to 31 people and college roommates and friends BEG to be included because it's a fun multi-generational weekend . The cousins now insist on this weekend and insist yheir parents (my siblings) never miss it. I would suggest trying to enlist a few siblings you know will attend and plan a picnic or a camping trip over a weekend. At the very least you can count on a few siblings attending.

If you can plan a weekend, divide the meals - each sibling owns a meal start to finish. Everyone eats all weekend but only prepares one meal
My college nieces and nephews now have cooking competitions and create "gypsy tent city" in the yard for sleeping

It often seems like a lot of work but the rewards are worth it and it gives our next generation a sense of roots. Be sure to invite and welcome everyone. Start with phone calls and then do the rest of planning and communication via e-mail or Facebook

Good luck!
PS - my mom does very little to help but she does come and is grateful we put the weekend together. sometimes once you've raised that many kids you are just "done". Hard to understand for me but at least you have your siblings.

Oh don't worry honey! What's there to bash you about? Well funny you should post on this subject, cause I've Been going through the same issues as well! I used to be close to them and now I live in another country. When I go back after paying thousands to see them, my sister and her husband ( who have no kids) come pick up the kids and they keep them. My mother is always on the phone with that same sister who lives there. She only talks to me if she has something negative to say about some relative ( repeat stories). The rest of the time it just eyes glued to the tv. It's come to a point where I just don't want to even go there anymore. But my parents are getting older and that's always on the back of my mind. So no, your not alone. I see people who are really close , but sadly it's not the case with everone. I would still go to see your parents, but for the other family gatherings, if it works out great, if not, great...

I am one of six children. My parents were divorced and my mother and father eventually remarried. Stepfather causes a lot of trouble and mother stands up for him at all times (which is not necessarily a bad thing, but doesn't foster relationships with the family).We too live within at least a half hour of everyone. I am letting you know you are not alone. It seems like my mother encourages fights between all of the family. She has one favorite sister, who is actually the meanest, but she sticks to my mother. An example: We were all going to attend a friend's funeral. My mother is almost eighty but will drive a bit.Her husband works about five minutes from me. She could have gone with him to work and I would have picked her up. She-(mother) could drive twenty minutes one way to meet my brother and go with him, or twenty minutes or so ride with me and leave her car at our respective houses but instead she chose to go with favorite sister who lives about 45 minutes away. We believe it is their mutual hate of our biological father who actually died in 2001 and shouldn't they all get over it?
The same sister and my mother didn't go to my son's wedding. HELLO/ what is that about? There are countless stories and my husband says just don't think about them, but like you I keep wishing we were more united and would be involved with eachother like we used to. It hurts, really does. My mother and stepfather won't visit. Apparently he is too high class for us and when it is a birthday my mother just sends a card or makes sure to stop by when we ARE NOT home and drop off a gift then. WHY? AND when they moved to where they are now we dropped by to see them and were told we have to always call first (THIS IS MY MOTHER!) My mother, since I have been a mother myself never babysat, never chopped a carrot with and cancels any possible visits all the time because her husband suddenly has to stay home from work or something like that. well, I will write a book here. NO you are not alone.HUGS

I'm so sorry that you and your family are not close anymore.
I hope and pray that you all can once again become a tight family again.

God bless.

This sounds a lot like my husband's family... we all live within 20 minutes of eachother and it takes an act of Congress for people to willingly get together. There's a lot of background that has contributed to this, but bottom line is that there is no reason for people to disconnect and not at least try!

So... my husband and I make the effort and include everyone. Someone always ducks out at the last minute, but if we get 75% attendance, we're thrilled. We don't ask for their help in our day-to-day lives, but I have talked privately with my husband's siblings about the need for the family to see eachother once in a while and not just at holidays. They get it & as long as they don't have to do much to make it happen, they will usually show up for a BBQ and someone always offers to bring my MIL.

So... my suggestion to you would be to start slowly and on a small-scale. Offer to have your siblings and their kids over for dinner. If the offer to bring something, great. If they don't, that's ok too. We have truthfully found that making plans way ahead of time doesn't work. We have better success calling my BIL and SIL and saying "Do you guys want to come over tomorrow? We were just going to order Chinese and thought you might like to join us".

I completely understand! We all get self-absorbed (I don't mean that to be mean!) sometimes and some people more than others--and then it becomes a habit and the "easy" way to continue living. The trigger for my family falling apart was the death of my mother 18 years ago--my sister and I were teenagers and my brother was in college. We all had our own lives going on and we were all hurting in one way or another and we just turned inward to ourselves. My dad did the same thing. We each went off to college, found our mates, got married, got homes, and now have families. We all live within 45 minutes of each other and for too many years we only talked to each other at Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. (Except my sister and I who ended up getting VERY distant at the end of high school, but then getting VERY close during college and have remained each other's support ever since). My extended family that lived close (all on my dad's side...hmmm) were the same way. My dad was not emotionally in anything that had to do with us. I once got a birthday card from him 6 months late!

HOWEVER...my sister and I realize the importance of family and how someone has to make the first move and push the issue. So, we started doing random "work days" at my dad's house to help him clean up, etc, and we made sure my brother would make it most of the time. We were going to try to organize a monthly family dinner at one of our houses, but again, we all got involved in our own lives and just haven't gotten around to doing it. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But we can all get a bit self-absorbed from time to time (or more often).

All that being said, my sister and her family are currently in the process of building a house right behind mine. And my dad will be moving in with her because he just shouldn't be alone--he tends to withdraw even more otherwise. We've found that the more we try to communicate with him and involve him, the more he's opening himself up to us emotionally (as opposed to going off and watching TV in the other room). Now we'll be 1 minute away from each other. We'll see if the family dinners ever happen...

As we are working to put our family back together, what we've found worked for us is to step up and make the plans, get the crew together (even if you don't want to! Or even if you know it's going to be boring). You can't wait for someone else to do it. Whomever from your siblings decides to make the effort and join you is welcome; and those that don't are ok, too. The more you do it, the more it'll be ok to do it. The better you'll all get at it and the more "routine" it will become. And the more you do it and the more fun you have, the more your siblings may talk about how good it was to those that didn't join in and lo-and-behold, you may end up with a full crew someday! But you need to be ok if not everyone comes. Have fun anyway! And as for your parents...if you want to go out or have them come over, go pick them up. Impress on them the importance of their family and how much you love them and want to be a part of their lives and want them to be a part of yours.

My dad still has many, many moments of himself-first (vs family-first)...he just told me he can't make it to my kid's birthday party because he has a men's bible study that evening. (I think the bible study will be ok without him!) But I have to let it go. I could get bitter and angry and mean. But that wouldn't do anyone any bit of good. I will continue extending invitations because it's the right thing to do and because no matter what, he is my dad and I do love him.

Sorry for the novel, but good luck in your situation! I hope you're able to find peace with whatever you end up with.

Oh my goodness how sad! My family all lives far away from me; it's been that way all my life (grandparents and cousins living across the country) and i've also moved all over the place; i would LOVE to have my family nearby and be able to feel like we really know each other; i've never felt close to my nuclear family. I wasn't even there to see any of my nieces or my nephew when they were born. I agree with Krista, start small. Hopefully it won't take a funeral to bring your family together, but sadly sometimes that's how it is. Good luck to you, I hope it goes well!

Sort of. When I was growing up we were always at my grandmas and my aunts and uncles were there and my grandma would cook dinner for all of us and it was great! Lovely memories. Then my mama died. Idk what happened to us. We just kinda fell apart. Now I see my grandma sometimes once maybe twice a yr. Then my great grandma passed two yrs later and we spaced even farther. Two yeats ago my moms fav sister, my fav aunt passed of brain cancer. So my relationship with my other aunt and uncle is non existent and I haven't seen my cousin in over a year. The sad part, none of us are more than 30 minutes away from each other. So no, you are not alone. It bothered me at first because it was weird, but im used to it now. I've got my family and my 2 sisters so we are good. I don't know why we slip from each other, I guess life just takes hold and you wake up 5 yrs later and wonder what the heck happened!

I don't have any experience with this so all I can say is pray. It seems like nobody wants to connect and only you know why. I will be praying for your family as well.

Your not alone.. my inlaws live 5 miles away and we usually only see them on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My mother and 1 brother LIVES with me and I barely see them.

Hi D.,

I am sorry you are going through this. You are NOT alone. Family can be so hard and especially when they are dysfunctional! I come from a very chaotic home---sounds like you do too. My best advice is to see who in your family is really interested in re-connecting again. Then work with that one family member to do things together, have picnics etc. As that works, expand to other members. If not one person is interested, you unfortunately will have to move on to outside people. Sometimes they are the best family members to have because you CHOOSE them. You can pick your outside family and still have a great family life full of support.

It sounds like your parents have checked out emotionally. Have they been through something traumatic?? Or have they always been this way? If they may be receptive, I would ask them in a letter your wants and needs. Tell them honestly and ask them for what you would like to happen. You cant guarantee it, but you won't know until you ask. Then, take baby steps to getting closer with them. Bring them dinner some night and ask if you can stay to enjoy it. Turn off the tv and tell them you want to look them in the eye and talk with them--not look at the back of their heads while they watch tv. Start there and see how it goes....GL

M

just wanted to say sorry and i feel your pain. i am one of 6 adult children and we all live fairly close. i used to feel sorry for myself and wished things were different. although me and my fam (kiddos and hubby) visit maybe 2 or 3 times a year we have very low expectations. instead i/we focus on nurturing our own kids and ensruing we give them a positive family experience while explaining to them that grandma and grandpa are not well and cant visit for too long. hang in there and love your kids. you seem like a great mom because you want connectedness. you may just have to get it elsewhere....and that is okay : ) hugs to you