Discipline When You Are in a Hurry--ideas??

Dear Kathy,

My name is C., Navy wife for ten years (recently medically retired) with a nine year-old daughter. Hi! Sounds like you have your hands full.

I absolutely agree with some of the latter advice you received. If you are just starting to discipline in that way NOW (such as taking away a privilege - toys, play, phone, T.V., friends, extra-curriculars, etcetera, letting them know THEN that you'll be punishing them LATER for goofing off, sticking to your word no matter how tempted you are to let it go later on when everything is calm, and being firm - no wavering, etcetera), then it's going to take a while for your two older kids to understand and cooperate. Luckily, starting now will mean an easier time of it when your two younger kids begin making their own decisions.

Although your goal is discipline (or a positive response from your kids) in a hurry, it takes a lot of background work and underlying effort to get to that point. There are some words and terms (complete with definitions) that you might want to teach your kids You can even make a list of each, so they will know what they'll lose, what your expectations are, and how they'll benefit from good decisions:

CHOICE VS. CONSEQUENCE
PRIVILEGE VS. NECESSITY
MAY I? VS. CAN I?
GOOFING-OFF VS. DOING THE TASK (or EFFICIENT/ RESPONSIBLE)
LAZINESS VS. EFFORT
REWARD VS. PUNISHMENT
IGNORING YOU VS. RESPONDING ("Yes, mom")

Making a list daily or weekly tasks is always a good idea, but can be harder than it sounds. 7 to 11 year-olds have the attention span of a gnat, so you have to decide if you want their responsibilities to be their own needs/messes/hygiene, or if you want them to chip in around the house, too. Then you have to judge your individual child's need for direction. For some kids, "GET READY IN THE MORNING" is sufficient, but for most kids, you have to write step-by-step instructions of what that entails. Kids (and a lot of adults) NEED that reference to help them remember each of their responsibilities, or chores. Feel free to contact me directly if you want some ideas for your potential lists.

You may want to avoid doing FOR your kids (like preparing their things for them the night before) since they'll learn little and figure thay don't have to try harder, OR putting your children in situations where they'll be humiliated in public (like sending them out half-dressed, or shoes in hand, or holding their toothbrush), as that tends to undermine their self-esteem and may cause some resentment and acting-out later on.

Even when disciplining them, do not allow yourself to be angry or tell them they're "bad," "Just like so-and-so," or compare them to another who is better or worse (excepting yourself - that shows you have empathy with their difficulties in behavior). They are individuals, with unique personalities, perspectives, psyches, spirits, intentions, fears, hopes, and worries, and they need to be recognized and respected as such.

Choose words or term like: "NOT okay/allowed" or "MAY not" instead of "BAD"; "Poor choice" instead of "WRONG" or "Think more slowly/clearly", or "re-check what you did", instead of "DUMB" or "STUPID" (I've heard parents say much worse than that to their kids - from grocery stores to on-base).

You should show some firmness, strength, frustration or even confusion at their behavior when confronting them about their choices, but sweetness can confuse them. Tell them that you love them constantly and that will NOT change (EVER), but just because you love them doesn't mean you're going to let them get away with poor behavior, or that you're not upset.

Good Luck! Kids can be the most challenging part of our existence, but they seem to be worth it. I'll contact you privately with my e-mail if you want detailed help with lists, etcetera.

-C.

Hi Kathy

I was a single mother of one for a very long time and always had to work and was kept very busy. I know you have 4 times as much challenge, but you can still show the kids who is in control
Even though you may not have time to give them time out at that moment you can do it later when there is time. Or you can take away something they enjoy doing in there leisure time.
You tell them if they do not cooperate with you when you need them to that later they will not be able to do whatever it is they enjoy.
One thing you must do is stick to your words and follow through later on, explaining that this is a result of you not cooperating with me this morning or whenever it is. If you don't it will not work when you try to do it.
It may take them a few times to catch on, but when they realize that there is a consequence for there actions they will start to cooperate.

I wish you well and I thank you and your husband for serving our country.

God Bless You!

Gee, you are describing my daughter to a tee and we don't even know each other. Are you sure we're not related somehow (smiles). My daughter is 10 and will turn 11 in May. I call her my little DIVA. She is all attitude and not a morning person! Not a good combination no matter how you roll it. I have come to know that I have been ripping my hair out for all the wrong reasons. It all starts with a little communication. Take your 2 oldest and explain to them
that you need their help. "Enlist" them to be a part of your team. Tell them they are a big boy and a big girl and you need help especially because of the babies, and because they are now big kids, they have to help you a little. Once this is said, list your demands. I have gone as far as typing them up on the computer. Type a list for each. 3 columns: Things you must do everyday/Things you must do at least 2x a week/Things that happen if you don't help mom. Under "everyday" are the obvious...get up, dress, shower, homework, add any chores you wish them to do for you(empty dishwasher/clear table...whatever).
Under "at least 2x a week".....call grandma (tell her all about your day),call your sister at college(catch up and talk about boys), organize your closet, organize your drawers (you can throw in whatever else you'd like to have them help you with.
Under "Things that happen" you list what will occur if these things are not done...mommy takes bike priveledges away, mom takes ipod, mom takes DS...whatever works for you, that you know will be missed. (Cross them off as you take them)
As you sit and explain, make it very clear that you mean business in the sweetest, explaining tone you have. Give them a chance to settle in to the new schedules given. At the end of the week, Friday or Saturday, follow through and keep to your word. It will be difficult because in the beginning they won't believe you, then they realize their DS or Ipod or something they favor is gone and will rethink their choices. Of course upon you seeing improvement, you will give their items back to them in the form of a present. I wrap mine in tissue paper and ribbon and lay it on her bed before she gets home from school on Fridays, This way it'll be a little reminder that these items they hold dear truly are a gift, a gift that can be lost at any time if careless. Kinda gives them a sense of pride and understanding. The getting dressed in the morning quickly takes a bit, so be patient and just sweetly remind them that, that ipod or favorite toy is so gonna be soooooo yours come Friday.....challenge them. Remember, it's all "basic training" and patience of course, but it will come.
Good Luck, I hope it works for you.
PS......all military puns were intended (smiles)
I too would like to thank you and your husband for his bravery and serving our country.

I make mine get his clothes ready the night before,
set his alarm clock and wake himself up,it makes a beeping sound every half hour.
( I am already awake)

I DO NOT remind him, until 15-20 minutes before he needs to be out at the bus,

At which point, He is sent out however he is, shoes inhand if necessary, -- THIS happened ONCE, and it was enough of a jump start to get him motivated. Hasn't happened again

NOW I don't know if his teeth are brushed each morning,but his hair is done, and so is everything else,

I do nag him to brush his teeth each evening,
And will give him his tooth brush in hand as he walks out the door in the morning, HOPING he actually uses it,
( I buy extra tooth brushes cost is a few dollars and worth it to me)

But I am sure its better than arguing every morning,
and teaches independence and responsibility,time management

M

I use to give my kids a long time to get ready they took a long time to get ready. When I timed out their morning routine of up, breakfast, tooth and hair brushing, and getting dressed I found that they needed only 40 minutes; quite a bit shorter than the 90 minutes I was giving them every day.

At that point I got their school stuff together the night before and put the backpacks, jackets and shoes right at the door. I'd wake them up 40 minutes before they needed to be out for the bus and they got out in time every morning. Some morning it was a lot of pushing them along but it's that way with kids. Heck there are some morning I'm pushing myself along.