Discipline Question

Hello K.. My youngest is 23 months and I count to three just like with my 5 year old. When they are mis-behaving and don't stop when I ask I start counting, and I hold up a finger for each number. After I say 'one' my baby says 'too', but when I say TWO she stops usually. If she doesn't stop after 3, she goes to her room and I pull the door shut, I just don't latch the door. Once she has stopped screaming she will come out and stand outside her door and watch for me to tell her she can come out if she is good. I have found that that is starting to work. However, when she hits or pulls hair, I pat her hand and she also doesn't like that. Best of luck!

Hi K.,

You don't mention what kind of things you want him to do. What are the things that he's pushing you on. When my son started going through this Martha R. gave me some good advice. She said that kids that age have a more difficult time comprehending "stop" or "don't" statements that "do" statements. For instance if he is screaming or running around, he will better understand and be able to follow through on you saying in a whisper voice, "Shhh. Let's be quiet" or "Walk with your feet." I changed up my game so to speak and it really seemed to be more effective. Another thing that I do is if I ask my son to pick up his toys and he doesn't want to I will walk over and put my hands on his and physically "help" him pick up. Then I will have him do it on his own. Now I just have to ask, "Do I need to help you?" Of course he is 2 now and a big boy and the last thing he wants is my "help" so he will do it himself.
Time outs are hard at that age because still is just a foreign thing to them. Sometimes I think they don't even know what they are doing. It helped me to do time out with him. It's only 2 minutes so I could sit by him and when he got up sit him back down and say, "No, you are sitting. You (fill in the blank with whatever sad choice got him there)." It is alot more effective because you are keeping him in time out. I will say, other than that statement I didn't give him any attention. I didn't look at or talk to him. It was a time out, not quality time with mom.

Hope this helps.

L.

Here's and article you may find helpful: Toddler Testing http://www.becomingtheparent.com/all/subsection13.html
and another that I really like: Looking Past the Behavior
http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/looking_past.html

Your ds seems to "push" you more than his father because he's more comfortable with you. He's probably with you more than with your dp/dh. He can be his "baby self" with you.

As far as discipline, what I always did when ds did something that I didn't want him to do was this:
(this example is something that happened when ds was younger than 2yo):

1. give information, even if you think dc should know, they often don't- "Don't hit me with the book. I don't like to be hit."

2. honor the impulse- try to figure out WHY they are doing it, what the reason behind it is. Are they trying to get attention (which is a valid need, imo)? Are they trying to communicate another need? Are they bored? Are they exploring?
In this case, I finally figured out that the impulse was that he was trying to get me to read a book to him.

3. Redirect in a way that honors the impulse- help dc find an alternative way to express the original impulse. The *impulse* is a legitimate one. It's just the way they are trying to fulfill it that isn't ok. So help them find a way to fulfill it that IS ok.
In this case, I finally figure out to say this: "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand." That was it- he NEVER hit me with a book again, not even once, and he's 4yo now.
It took a lot of work to figure out that I had to be that specific. I had tried saying "If you want me to read, hand me the book" but evidently it wasn't specific enough for him to really understand it.

Oh, and as far as advice on time outs: don't do them.
here's another article: The Case Against Time-out http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html

Unfortunately most children do behave better for dad - no idea why. A 19-month-old does not have the ability to reason. Time out won't really work with a child this age. I believe redirection and showing your son what you want him to do is best. You can take things away as needed. Toys often went into time out when my children were this age. ie. if they were playing with something too rough or fighting over a toy, the toy went to time out. That taught them to not play that way.
Good luck!

I don't have any advice, because I'm in the same boat with my 17 month old! I'm looking forward to reading the responses you may get. Hopefully it works! Good luck in your situation and you've definitely encouraged me by letting me realize I'm not the only one going through this!

K.,
Haven't read the responses but, I know that sooo many of us moms have been in your shoes! I know I sure have! There is just something about the male (lower) voice that encourages much faster obedience. One of those mysteries of the world, I guess. What has worked for me is to just be consistent, don't let him know that what he is doing is frustrating you, ALWAYS win the battle and find what is most valuable to him and take that away. I JUST figured out with my two and a half year old that threatening to NOT let him "camp out" with his two older brothers is what gets him to obey most readily! Go figure! That was after time outs, talking to him, raising my voice, making him stay there as long as it took to put the toys away, many other actions and spanking (I know that you said you are against it so, do not do this if you are uncomfortable with it). Finally, one day...the threat of not letting him camp out with his brothers came to mind and, lo and behold...he obeyed immediately and was VERY pleasant about it too! Just keep trying things and one day something will click. Of course, there's no promise how LONG this is going to work but....ah the joys of discipline! Good luck!

What type of behavior are you trying to discipline him for? I think at this age, re-direction is still the best option. I don't know that a lot of 19 month olds grasp the concept of time-out. Also, children don't grasp the concret word NO for several more years. They just don't have the ability. You might tell a child no, and they might respond to it at that moment, but they don't understand necessarily that no means no for good... and not just for the moment. I can tell my toddler to stop jumping on the bed, and she'll stop... but tomorrow she's going to jump on the bed again and I'll have to tell her no again. Does he like playing with you? Maybe Mommy can have a time out instead. Tell him "Mommy's going to take a time out until you decide to behave (or not do whatever he's doing wrong)." More than likely, he won't want you to leave the room. If you decide to go with time-outs, at the beginning of the time out you need to get on his level (not standing over him) and tell him exactly why he is in time-out and tell him what the alternative behavior would be (the good behavior). Then tell him he needs to sit there for 1 minute (1 minute per year they are old- maybe set a timer so he can hear it go off at the end). At the end of the time-out, go back to him and tell him again why he is in time-out and what kind of behavior you expect from him, end it with a hug and a kiss and go on your way. Remember, kids act like kids. Before you discipline, ask your self if he's really doing something WRONG... or if you just don't like what he's doing. I have to do this with myself a lot of the time, but then I remember my daughter is just acting like a 3 year old! I can't expect her to be quiet and sit still all of the time!

Good luck!!!!

Time outs take alot of work! Consistency is the key. Must stay consistent to be effective. I know it is very hard sometimes. At 19 months old, your little one is still learning. I don't think that he is "trying to push" you, it is all just a part of child development and is very normal. Try incentives, give him a sticker to put on an incentive chart when he is good, do this often. Also spanking only leads to teaching a child that it is okay to Hit. So eventually, he will lash out and hit someone whom he thinks is being bad. Redirection at his age is the most appropriate action and if you do decide to use time out, only 1 minute per year of his age. So 2 minutes seems like forever to him. If you start him on time outs and get him used to it, he will learn faster the consequences of his actions as he grows. Good Luck. There is also a great book out there called The SOS book, on Time outs. Great info in learning time out techniques. Good luck to you. (btw, children tend to obey their fathers better, not sure why! maybe their tone of voice...)Good luck to you, H.

From what I've read and our nurse told us, time-outs are lost on most children younger than two. Making him sit down and telling him what he's done wrong works better. Starting around 2, a minute for each year of age seems to be the consensus for how long time-outs should last. Repetition is key with this age and being positive. Instead of "Don't stand on the couch" say "The couch is for sitting, you may stand on the floor" and then place him on the floor. Try to catch him doing good things and praising him, it's human nature to seek praise from those you love.
There's a lot of different information out there. I'm in the middle of "The No-Cry Discipline Solution". The one thing all child behaviorists seem to agree on is that spanking doesn't teach anything but that it's ok to hit to get your way.

Never lose your temper or raise your voice. Just talk sternly and matter-of-factly. Tell him if he doesn't do it, he'll be put in his bed (or playpen). Then, do it. Leave him there until he is quiet, then go get him. Increase the time you leave him for repeat offenses.
Don't worry that he minds his dad better, that is a fact of life. Dad's are better at commanding respect than Mom's are.
God bless you.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.

Time out works but remember he is very little. Put him in his high chair, play pen, crib if he is still using one for up to 5 minutes, no longer. His attention span isn't long enough to handle more because of his age. You have to be firm, consistant, and tell him why he is going to time out.
All children listen better to daddy than they do mommy. Even though my son (26) showed my a college paper he had given one of his professors stating that even today he is more afraid of making me angry with him than he ever was his father.
Just be consistant and firm. He will figure it out.

K.,
I also have a 19 month old and have found the "Love and Logic" books very helpful. They focus on the parent never loosing control, a very loving approach but at the same time setting boundaries. Obviously no one book is the answer, but this one was the most helpful for me with phrases to use like "if you would like to cry -this step is a great place for crying" "once you are done crying I would love to play with you" You don't talk about the actual bad behavior that they do, just enforce the boundaries and they catch on. It is pretty cool. Good luck and let me know if you like it.

Rachel

I come from the old school K., and I believe the best Biblical way of discipline is with a spanking. God made our bottoms for more than just sitting. And I have done this with my children, and I dare say I have very little problems with them as far as disipline. No, they are not perfect, but they respect us and know when we mean business.

I don't believe in spanking for everything-especially when they get older. But when my kids were that age-they "understood" what a spanking was. And we always talk to our children before and after the spanking so that they know why they are getting one. I believe that your 19 month old would know that you mean business if you swatted his little bottom-trust me, it doesn't hurt them. And it puts you in control of the situation not the child. You can not "reason" with a 19 month old.

Just my 2 cents.

My son is 22 mo old and we have definately had those days. I always try to give 3 warnings. If warnings aren't followed, I tell him time out. At his age, I sit with him in time out. We sit near to where his "crime" took place. Any time that he tries to get up, I remind him that he is in time out and sit him back down. When his time is up, I explain to him that he can't do (whatever it is), and why. I hug him then he's off again. Good luck to you! Shannon G.