Discipline for 18Mo. Old?

Hi D.,

There is a website that I have utilized in the past for discipline issues, and they sell books as well. I think it's http://www.parentmagic.com

--D.

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson is a book that I'm reading and am finding very helpful. Your child is coming into the age where he wants to test limits and test the amount of "control" he has. Dr. Nelson's book is all about giving up the power struggle, putting yourself in your child's shoes and trying to understand the misbehavior. She says that a misbehaving child is a frustrated or upset child. We have to teach the children how to deal with their feelings and emotions and guide them in managing those feelings in respectful ways. She's a big believer in asking the child questions and giving them limited choices rather than giving them orders and expecting them to obediently obey like a private to a drill sergent. I have found many tools that I've started using from reading the book - though it's hard because I was raised to "mind your parents", "mind your manners", etc. and I am parenting in a similar fashion - so Positive Discipline is a shift for me.
PS: At first I thought giving the children a little more "flex" meant that I would have to tolerate bad behavior - and that's not it at all! It really is about altering behavior with mutual respect versus commanding they behave.
Good luck! And don't think that because your child is nearing two that you're entering the "terrible twos"! I hate that expression! I called them the "terrific twos" b/c they are learning so much at this time - it's really an amazing time for our children.

Hi,

I also love and recommend the book Positive Discipline. Really wonderful! In addition, I would recommend "Becoming the Parent you want to be" (guidance for kids up to six, a great reference to go back to again and again) and also books by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka ("Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.. and.. Raising Your Spirited Child (I think this book saved my life!)). Don't worry, what you describe is normal. I've gone through so many rounds of "turn on a dime". Each time, it takes me a while to catch on that this is the new reality. People do criticize me for reading so much, but unless you are around kids a lot, you just don't know how intense young children are, much less understand what is behind all those preplexing behaviors.

Your child is so young, one of the best things you can probably do right now is redirect "misbehavior" (provide an alternative outlet ie something more appropriate to bang on, scribble on, etc, instead of just frustrating her with no no no), and also try to recognize the tantrum triggers such as being overtired, too much noise or other stimulation that can sort of build up inside and spill out in a tantrum. Sometimes, I feel like adults are the same, it's just that we have learned how to recognize and control it. (I always need to take a walk outside during a loud party, the noise sort of gradually aggravates me, a toddler can't recognize this, and they don't really have the ability to self regulate).

It takes trial and error to figure out what works best for your child, but developing techniques to keep your child's frustration level low can help. It made a world of difference for my son and me.

All the best,
C.

I am going through the same thing! All of a sudden my daughter is doing the same things!! I was just trying to get my finger in her mouth last night to see if she was getting another tooth (she has about a full mouth so I almost lost a finger! haha) I feel for you and hope others give some good ideas! Time outs were working for me for about a week, now she just hangs out and plays with her feet, knocks n the wall etc..she could care less!
GOOD LUCK TO US BOTH!

This is perfectly normal, but does require some action (in my opinion). My 20 month old son has been going through the same thing recently. And it seems like when he gets angry and frustrated he simply doesn't know what to do. I find myself using very simple combinations of words with him "Now it's Catherine's turn, next it will be Johnny's turn" and I try to stand close to him or touch him when i tell him this.
But I also understand that sometimes it is not just a situation of "learning to socialize with others", sometimes John wants to play with the computer plug in the wall or tries to climb the baby gate and get into our 50 square foot kitchen (yipes, disaster)or else he is trying to stand on the glass coffee table, all things that would be terribly dangerous if we looked the other way. Getting him to do a simple command, even when I tell him in simple terms "Climbing is NO, NO, NO!" doesn't always work. I usually tell him 2 or 3 times to stop the behavior, then I tell him that if he does it again he will get a time out, and most times I tell him one more time about the time out. I want him to fully understand that he will get a time out and that he has the power to avoid that consequence. But after about 2 times of telling him, I do give him a 5 mintue time out in his crib. Because he is too little for a chair, he would just get up. Then after the time out I bring him out and we talk about what he did and why he got the time out. I always tell him I love him, but that the behavior needs to change. Usually there are alot of tears, but when he calms down I get the impression that he did understand what happened in basic terms.

The other thing I do, and every mother has something that is a trigger to her, but I don't use the word "bad". There are too many truly negative but also vague meanings of the word bad. I prefer the word "naughty" because that word is truly behavior specific. Even good kids can be naughty and I never want my child to get the impression that he is "bad". However certain types of behavior are unacceptable--so that's my communication solution.
Wow, it's really hard not to lose it sometimes, but it is really important.
Good Luck!

well. when my daughter first started having temper tantrums they were doosies. they are just a normal part of development. they are learning to express their wants. i believe it's the lack of us understanding that sets them into such a state - they are frustrated. i feel for you, my youngest is a year now and already has mini tantrums over separation and not getting to do certain things, like walking everytime he wants (we need to hold his hands still). anyhow, our doc had said to just let her have the tantrum and pay as little attention to it as you can. we would make sure there was nothing dangerous near her and leave the room, peeking from time to time. when it finally subsided we would go to her. it was hard, but nothing else seemed to do any better. when she turned 2 i started time out and that was wonderful. it only took 2 times before she understood to sit there and gave me a 2 minute break from her to do some deep breathing. still if she did a tantrum at 2 we ignored it and if she misbehaved we did the timeout. good luck!

Dear D.,

My first question is, has your daughter had any changes in her routine lately? A new sibling? A new caregiver? Any kind of change in schedule? When my son was a little older, he twice went into a whining/tantruming/weeklong panic when I had a friend staying with us, sleeping on our couch: he thought his whole family had been reconfigued. Even the change in play patterns associated with better weather (you used to stay home, now you take her to a playground) can trigger transition-related anxiety. If that's the case, try waiting it out. Adjustment isn't fun, but it almost always works out in the end.

Regardless of the cause, to me, the words "clingy" and "discipline" make for an uneasy match. Clinginess is an expression of a need; it's not the kind of thing that can be managed behaviorally. What I would recommend instead are "time ins." Try catching your daughter early in a meltdown and going WITH her to her room or somewhere calming. Talk quietly to her, tell her mommy's here, I'm not going anywhere, now how would you like to be my big helper while I [whatever you were trying to do].

Another thing that might be helpful during this phase is a "transitional object" (a doll, stuffed animal, etc.). Try picking a toy she likes anyway and saying "[name of toy] is so scared. She's worried that [your daughter's name] is going away. Can you give her a great big hug?" This may help your daughter to transfer her anxiety onto the toy, and by taking care of the toy, she can develop the skills to take care of herself.

Even though it's incredibly difficult and frustrating, a phase like this can actually be a harbinger of a wonderful developmental growth spurt. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton writes in "Touchpoints" that children typically "fall apart" right before they cross a major milestone. Children are often afraid of the independence that comes with new skills, and in the process of progressing, they temporarily regress.

Finally, I can also say from experience that these phrases are unbelievably frustrating. My son had his first at 2, and he's now going through his third: it drives me absolutely nuts. If you absolutely need to just put your daughter in her room for thirty seconds and catch your breath, do it. But this is really a survival strategy for moms; it doesn't address the underlying issues on a child's part.

Best wishes,

Mira

Hello D. S,

My daughter is 24 months old and she has been acting out lately also. I've notice when she does not get enough sleep, her behavior is out of control. Yesterday I asked her if she was tired and she told me yes. Told her after dinner she can go to bed earlier and I gave her a hug and kiss and she calm down.

Hi D., Welcome to the terrible two's. I'm sure you will get some book recommendations. I am an older mom of 5. Just make sure she always knows that you are the mom and she is the child. Be consistant and you will survive. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hey D.-
She is going through a new growth/developmental stage. the tantrums are behavior you don't like and she probably doesn't either. She is frustrated about needing and wanting things she cannot express. At this age children become aware of the larger world- pretty frightening-- and so they cling more. the idea that you can go away and not come back is becomming a reality- so she clings more. But she can't control anything. So she melts down.
(Take a look at Penelope Leech's books on child deverlopment! and Sears ands Sears for Discpline)
SO you're stuck negeotiating behavior and development.
If you can find the trigger for her tanturms- what is setting her off, then you might find some ways to aviod those situations, or to prepare her for them, or to approach them differently.
But once she is in melt down, I would advocate for a firm but gentle and caring approach. Hand are not for hitting, great book to read with children at this age- Do the same thing each time to calm her down- I don't mean give in, but scolding her during the melt down only makes her feel more out of control.
Use the same words- say things like, you don't like xxxx- what do you want? If your answer to her request is no, then stick with it, but re-direct her. She might not be able to let go of her focus. Saying things that acknowledge you understand she is upset is always helpful. Getting down onher level to talk to her is helpful.

At 18 months she needs you to be in control and you to know how to solve the problem. WHile you may not know how to solve it, you can explore together, and she can grow from tantrum driven to answer seeking. The more language she has the better, but if that is slow in comming use sign language( baby sign language has tos of simple ones she would probably love to use). At this age they know so much more than they can communicate.

Good luck!
M.

Welcome to the terrible twos! They really start at about 18 months and are kind of over by 2 1/2 or so. But really, this is just the beginning. My best advice on discipline is - watch a few episodes of Supernanny! Her techniques really work as long as you are consistent and firm. I also like that she uses a very loving (no hitting) way to discipline (teach good behavior) to children.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.