Discipline and a 3 1/2 Year Old!

My son has a stuffed bug that is his most prized possession. When he was younger (he's 7 now) I used to take "Bug" and put it up on the fridge (in plain sight) for a set amount of time or until he complied...it was harsh, but it DID work. Bug is still around and STILL his most prized possession! :-)

Yeah, You should not be so very harsh what you could teach lovingly you can never teach by threatening this will only make her more adamant and cranky.

P.

Hey H.,

I've worked with preschoolers/toddlers for 16+ years, I suggest to get your child to listen to you to make sure you're talking so she can hear you.

Preschoolers are easily distracted, so make sure she hears you by:
1. Touch her and gain eye contact
2. Clearly give short instructions (too many details & kid's can't obey)
3. Have your daughter repeat the instructions
4. Praise for her obeying.

If she fails to comply, instead of taking away, have her go back & redo, or another 'punishment' based on the infraction.

If you take away her lovey, she will not see the correlation, one has nothing to do with the other, she will just see Mom being mean, and she will only focus on Mom being mean. By 'punishing' based on the infraction, the two events are related & are memorable.

Example: If she doesn't put her laundry away, send her back to her room until it's done.
If she colors on the table and not the paper, she is done coloring & must clean the table.

Discipline is about learning the proper way of doing things, so I recommend teaching what you want, so there is less punishment daily.

I hope this helps.

R. Magby

Hi H.,
This does not sound harsh: just be cautious how and when you use it. If *all* you do is take away the favored toy, 3 times a day (for example) for a week, it's going to quit being a big deal.

Let the punishment fit the crime: if taking her toy away (I *hope* for more than a few minutes at a time) is truly upsetting to her, use it only for infractions that are a big deal.

Good luck, t

I think the punishment/consequence needs to be more related to the nature of her actions. Taking away a toy for not listening to you won't teach her much except that you make her upset. You may need to analyze why she isn't listening to you. Make eye contact, use a method of saying "right now" when you need her to come to you that instant or use the "1,2,3 countdown". Or use a timeout if she disobeys you. Take her out of the situation and carry her away if she isn't listening. Many options!

3 1/2 year olds can have a lot of trouble listening! I think you've gotten quite a few great pieces of advice below, but try not to forget that just because she has matured in so many ways, does not mean she has harnessed everything, all of the time. They are taking in, and processing a WHOLE lot of info at this age. Make sure that you are being fair to your very young girl.
My 3 1/2 year old boy can be 'spot on' sometimes and 'miss it' other times with regard to good behavior and the things I want him to do. It's frustrating! I try (when I can) to study his actions and be sure that he needs severe correction and not just more careful instruction. =)

No, she is not too young at all, I have had 4 children, and they were all potty trained by the time they were a year old, if children can understand at they age then to get a child to listen to you at 3 she should get the message. but like all training it takes time and you might have to try a different approach, for example making her sit on the stairs or in a corner for a while, not for long before asking her if she is ready to listen, if she's not ready to listen then leave her a bit longer before asking again.

I think that it is harsh and confusing because it has nothing to do with whatever behavior you are trying to correct in the moment. I feel the consequence should fit the crime whenever possible. Plus you may create unnecessary negative dynamic between you, your daughter, and kitty if it is the one thing you always have hanging over her head. This is your daughter's comfort, her special pal. If you regect that relationship or use it against her, that just shows her you are not on her side or supportive of her needs. I know it's just a toy, but still.
Also, maybe try a reward tactic instead of a "take-away" tactic, you don't really want your kids obeying you out of "fear" anyway... though I totally get your problem right now, I have an almost 3 y/o and sometimes nothing works to get her to listen to me!
Good tips on here from some of the other moms by the way, thanks for posting.

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. My personal opinion on the matter is that her kitty is her comfort and soothing object, taking it away probably seems mean to her. It's not just a toy, this is something that helps her calm herself and feel that everything is okay. Focus more positive reinforcement, and time out when she misbehaves. If you are consistent, you will see great changes!

If you are interested, check out www.oneweekparentingmiracle.com. This has helped TONS with my 4 year old girl. She is very strong willed and this is the only program that has helped in a long-term way. Good luck to you!

Hi H., I have a couple of questions for you. Maybe with clarity you will have your own answer.

1. What is the "behaviour" to warrant taking away a favourite toy? Does the behaviour justify that type of consequence. You say it is her most covented possession...why would you take that away? Why not teach her the behviours you desire instead of saying "here is the negative consequence". For Example: If she talks back...you must keep repeating...we don't talk like that in this family, are you part of this family? (she will answer yes - in the rare case a child says no - then ask her who's family she thinks she is a part of) then you repeat it, "we don't talk like that in this family". Then redirect the situation. There is NO PUNISHMENT, there is only fact. "This family is respectful. This family is kind. This family honors everyone". If you let the behaviour go once (and punishing it is letting it go), she will decide when and where he can use that behaviour again. Kids are brilliant. They remember everything! They will remember if the "punishment" was worth the action.

2. What would taking the toy away accomplish? What is the REASON you want to serve this consequence? What are you expecting the result to be? Do you expect that if you take her toy away the behviour will be changed? Think about this...how many people do you know who have had a speeding ticket still speed? Did the consequence make them change their behviour? Not usually, and that is in adults...your daughter is 3!

3. Do you want to be a parent who responds or reacts? Just remember, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your child is the same as disciplining AS LONG AS YOU USE THE CORRECT DEFINITION OF THE TERM discipline which really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If she is doing something you don't like tell her what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

Here is the problem with "taking toys away", kids learn to weigh the time away with what the "crime" is. They often feel that a couple of minutes without their toy may be worth it.

Be consistent and persistent...because little people need guidance, gentle reminders and boundaries. Help guide your daughter. You will be glad you did.

B.
Family Success Coach
www.TheYummyMommy.com

Hi H.,

It's not that your daughter is too young for this type of punishment, but rather that this approach to disciplining her will set you up for power struggles throughout her childhood. You need to understand what is behind toddler behavior so that you can effectively respond without punishment. A child perceives punishment as a withdrawl of love. In other words, Mommy only loves me when a behave a certain way. Over time, a child learns to respond to this in one of two ways: either they learn to comply with whatever they are told to do, becoming afraid to try new things, be creative or think for themselves, or they rebel and go to the opposite extreme.

I work with parents to help educate and develop effective strategies for raising cooperative, compassionate, respectful and independent children. If you are interested, I would love to help you. In the meantime, here are a couple of articles that should be of some help to you.

Why Time Outs Don't Work http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/9/22_Why_Ti...

Power to the (Little) People
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Please please please don't take away her lovey. This is her sense of security and having it taken away will be emotionally painful for her. Plus it has nothing to do with really teaching her the desired behavior.
My dad took my sister's lovely away when she was 4 and she resented him for a really long time. It did way more damage than good as it was truly traumatic for her. I doubt that's the kind of relationship you want to build with her - one based on fear that her sense of security will be stripped from her if she doesn't act the way you want her to. That's not good in the short run or the long run.

You're not being too harsh at all. You have found a consequence that your child understands. It's not really a punishment or aid in correcting behaviour if they aren't sad about it.

We've done the same thing with my oldest son since he was two and sometimes it was the only thing we could use to correct behaviour. At times, time outs didn't work.

You're doing just fine. Good luck.
-M

She's not too young, but she won't *get it* and it would punish her but not discipline her. I have to 110% agree with Rebecca from Beaverton. Little ones have very short attention spans and are still understanding cause and effect. This is my experience:
My 2 1/2 year old is a terrible "listener". Not really. He's just 2. He's busy and his attention goes from one thing to the next. He's not going to "hear" me when he's looking one way and I'm across the room. I have to get down in his face and say, "Hey, where are Mommy's eyes? Look at me." Only when he is looking directly at my eyes can he "listen" to me. Even then, I need to give him very short directions, one at a time. Telling him to get ready for school is too abstract. I have to tell him: 1)Take your jammy top off. 2) Take your jammy bottoms off. 3)Go to the potty. 4)Go pee-pee. 5) Get your Toilet paper, etc, until he's dressed with teeth brushed, hands and face washed, hair combed and out the door.
Also, the consequence has to fit the action, so to speak, or the toddler won't get it. So, her kitty has nothing to do with her throwing her food off the table, but having her get down and picking up the food and throwing it away because she made a mess and no more dinner because she wasted food makes sense. Taking her kitty away temporarily would only make sense if she were disrespecting her kitty, like throwing kitty or stomping on kitty or about to feed kitty to the dog (remember I have a boy).
This toddler stage can be so exhausting. It's hard to not lose it every once in a while. Good luck to you!

It may be alright to take it away for just a few minutes, tell her she can have it back when she does the task at hand? He might be right, it depends on her. You can't go back on what you say though, or she learns you are a pushover.

I am all about discipline but in our home the lovey is off limits. I have 2 daughters, 5 and 2 1/2. One has a lamb the other a blanket. I have never even considered taking them away for any reason other than washing. In my opinion the lovey is their one sole possession that they have absolute control over. It's theirs, no one can take it and they don't have to share it. The lovey represents security, love and trust... none of which should be compromised in the name of discipline.

Everything else is fair game. We use time out for the little one and consequences for the older one.