Seeking Advise on How to Handle Preschooler's Behavior

Lying is normal. Actually, it is a sign of intelligience when they use their creativity to come up with a story. However, this does not mean it doesn't need to be nipped in the bud now. I just wanted to let you know that she is normal.

Hi K.,

It sounds like your little lady is flexing her muscles. It is about this age that defiance starts to really rear its ugly head. People thought 2 was bad. Three is worse to me. They are smarter, stronger, and have more language with which to tell you "no" thereby giving them an incredible ammount of variety. God bless you for your positive attitude.

She knows the isn't telling you the truth even if she doesn't know it's called a lie. She knows she is either trying to get or get out of something. The good news is that she is old enough to be taught that this is bad juju. Books are great teaching tools. I understand that you are super busy and things are hectic, but I would encourage you to use your library card to find a book that tells a story about lying and it's consequences. Tell her that you need to always be able to believe what she says so that when she is hurt, or sick, or scared you will know what to do for her. Explain that when she lies you don't know when to believe her and when not to. I always favored consequences that were kind of cause and effect. For instance, if she lied about cleaning her room discipline her for the room (everything not cleaned up gets put in a bag and put in toy time out for a day or two) and the lie (time out for her when her room is cleaned - I recommend in her room where she can see all the toys that are now gone). Emphasize that she still had to clean her room but because she lied she lost her toys AND got a time out. The best part is when she asks to get those toys back (and believe you me she will) you can have repeated discussions about her sad choice and the sad consequences.

When she tells you "no" or throws a fit, give her her options. "I understand you don't want to but here are your choices. We can't do anything else until your room is clean, so if you clean up your room then you can play and do other things. If you don't I will take a bag in there and whatever I have to pick up goes in toy time out." Then let her choose and follow through. Every time she starts to defy you lay her options out. Stay calm. If she runs, don't chase her, just go get the bag and start putting the toys in there. When she sees you doing it or walks in and sees that they are gone or later asks for a specific toy, you can explain where they are and why. I wouldn't chase her. That's just tag, right?

As for naps, positive reinforcement could be helpful. I planned any special activities (sidewalk chalk, playing in the sprinkler, making a special snack, watching a video we rented) for AFTER naptime with doing it being contingent on taking a nap. It did wonders for getting cooperation from my kids.

This is another long one, but I hope it helps.

L.

Hi, K. -

My daughter's 3.5, too, and whew! It's WORK! Thankfully, for me, it was the years before now that were the worst with her. She's a dream now, most of the time. However, she has an extremely strong personality and hard-wired independence, so it's been a big learning process to devise strategies for dealing with her.

Not so long ago, I was feeling at my utter wits' end because we were having so many struggles, and I felt like I was never getting to be the Mom I wanted to be because I was having to do so much scolding and so much reigning her in, and that took all my energy away from just feeling light-hearted and open and loving with her. I actually sought some counselling about it. I was kind of expecting a "you're doing everything right, and your child is the most unusual, defiant child there is." Instead, I got kind of the opposite, which was not what I wanted to hear... but, taking it to heart, I believe, has really helped us.

The counsellor said something to this effect: your child is new on this earth. She doesn't know all the rules. She's bombarded with stimuli of new and different things all day. Put yourself in her shoes. I know you want to correct her, and you should, but first, try to focus on what she can and should do. Show her, help her, redirect her rather than focussing on the Don't and the Stop.

I found that, when I tried things from that approach and set myself in a more positive mode at the outset (rather than expecting the rebellion and the disaster and the fight), it actually resulted in much more peaceful interaction for us. I had felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and frustrated, I could not believe MORE was being asked of me in terms of having this optimistic, leading attitude. In fact, I felt kind of unsupported and insulted for that advice. But, honestly, it made a world of difference for us -- just my shift in approach and attitude.

I am not trying to say that you are doing ANYTHING wrong -- because I don't believe I had been doing anything wrong. I'm only suggesting a different attitude and approach can work wonders. In anticipation of these difficult situations, try to find a way to lead your daughter or begin something and have her join you in it, show her ways she can be helpful, like it's a reward, and then express your confidence. With my daughter, this has been very important because she wants to show how much she's capable of.

As for the lying, that's a really tough one. I have always been extremely honest, and I know my Mom never had issues like that with me. My daughter, too, seems to be pre-set to tell the truth, even if telling it might get her in trouble. Obviously, in the popsicle case, telling the truth would have pre-empted the popsicle, so she didn't want to work against herself. Actions and their consequences are so important for kids to learn. It would be good if there were a story you could relate to her about a situation where telling a lie resulted in something very bad so that she could start to understand that there could be awful consequences from being deceptive. Personally, if I caught my daughter in a lie, I'd punish her in a big way - spanking, most likely, and time alone in her room - so that she'd know that that was something we strongly disapproved of. She knows spankings are reserved for very specific circumstances (typically when she's done something defiantly that put her safety at risk), so I know that would make an impact.

As for the napping, I think this is just a period of time you'll have to work through. My daughter gave up napping last fall, and the transition time was trying to us all because she was just as you describe of your daughter. One thing that really helps us these days is just to have our daughter go to her room and lie in her bed or sit and look at her books or something else where she's alone for a bit and can just unwind and rest her mind. We don't require her to sleep, only to relax without noise and other stimuli. It really refreshes her, and then an early bedtime helps get her attitude back on track.

I sure hope these suggestions help. I know they're not a good step-by-step for remedying your problems, and I know how incredibly frustrating these things can be. I'm 37, too, and I sometimes feel 73!

Take care,
H.

She is a little young to understand the lying vs truth thing, but she is not too young for punishment. Let her know the rules ahead of time. Tell her she will go to her room for one hour if she does not cooperate, then follow through. If she misbehaves in the same way again, make it two hours, etc. This is the most effective way to get a child to mind. Also, if she is going to grandparents, etc, make sure they know what is going on. Tell them if she cannot have a popsicle that day.

If she lies, just tell her, "no, you know that is not true".

I've raised 3 kids and got better at it by the 3rd one. My second child was my most difficult (girl) at a young age. I had to stand at her door when she was being punished to make sure she did not come back out, but eventually she learned and she is now a mom and very good person.
Don't give up. Good luck.

Whatever you do not listen to the lady who said you should hit your child. Children that age do not have any concept that they are lying and hitting them just instills fear. For a grown adult to strike a tiny 2-3 year old is simply abusive. There are some great books out there that can help you to deal with these behavioral issues in a positive, loving manner. The time would be well spent to read them. I wish you luck and hope that NOBODY listens to the irresponsible, abusive person who condones hitting a defenseless child. I feel bad for her babies.

I have a 3.5 yr old, too, and we're going thru the same issues. I think a lot of it has to do with where they are developmentally and wanting to acquire control. Nevertheless, doesn't make it easy for us parents!

Role play some simple situations with her and provide her with a few solutions, seeing which one she picks. Depending on her answer then explain WHY the answer she gave may be the correct/incorrect way to respond, as well as other acceptable solutions. Or you can ask her what she would do instead of giving her the solutions. She might suprise you with what she comes up with! The key with these make believe situations is to make them something you may have already or will encounter, so she can relate. Turn it into a game so she wants to do it and learns at the same time!

Dealing with the control issue- I've started giving my daughter small tasks around the house. She makes her bed (to her standards, not mine!), helps fold towels, holds the dustpan when I sweep, etc. She is so proud of herself when she does these things and I give her praise to help build her confidence. This also helps her realize her part in our house, rather than just always being told what to do.

Good luck! It's a very trying, yet important time to establish the basics of good morals we want in our children.

I guess we all go through this. Praise for doing the right thing, lots of it with hugs and kisses. Disappointment, obvious, for doing the wrong thing, and there has to be some punishment involved. Time out, only a minute or two, making her apologize, tell you she is sorry. You have to tell her you are sorry, too, for her disappointing you.
A reward system. Something simple like, you did all of your chores today, did what I asked you to do without a fuss, and a chart where she can see you mark down with stars, or moons, or something, and then she can pick out something she really likes at the end of the day. Maybe you will read her an extra story at bedtime, she gets to have an ice cream cone or a few cookies she really likes before bed, or maybe you play a game with her. You put the stars on the chart and she gets the reward for good, positive things.
Lying is bad, has to be nipped in the bud, and showing her your disappointment and enforcing a punishment has to be applied. Whether it is time out, frowning faces on her chart which takes away from the stars she has earned and having to apologize is a way to start.
Naps, well, I am an independant thinker about naps. My daughter stopped napping at two, my son at 18 months, and the 10 yr old boy I am raising now before he was two. I just called for quiet time. They could lay on the couch and watch a movie they really liked, lay down on their bed with a favorite toy, look at a few books, or whatever as long as they were resting I let it go. Yes, it does make them cranky for a little while, but I just changed their bedtime making it a little earlier at night so I didn't get as cranky as they were!
Good luck, just remember praise and lots of hugs for the right things helps a lot.

Hey K.,

Some pracitcal advice: Stop asking her questions that give her the opportunity to lie, most kids will go ahead and lie, and then they are in trouble for two things. We usually know if they did it or they did not do something, so don't bother to ask her.
Along those lines, don't bother to ask her "why" she did something naughty, because this gives little ones the impression that they can have acceptable excuses for bad behavior; if it is wrong, it is wrong period. Kids at this age think in very concrete terms.
Next, tell her what you want her to do and avoid using "stop" "don't" or "not" before you say the thing that you do not want her to do. They have a bigger chance of sucess if you tell them what behavior you expect (lay down in the bed and keep the covers neat rahter than "don't mess up the covers") This works very well for kids at this age to achieve more sucess, and sucess will breed sucess!

Using "No" is normal development for her age, as is everything you describe. Three is not a fun time for most parents!

Good luck!
Marthas

Have you tried "Time Out" for these behaviors or just sending her to her room?

Hi K.
I don't mean to be harsh with you, but to me it sounds like you may be trying to "control" her too much. Why not try picking your battles with her less often. I know some toddlers at her age do not nap anymore. My daughter is starting not to nap every day, she may take a nap every two days. But I still make her lay down on the couch and rest a little with one of her favorite shows. And for the lying thing, to me it sounds like she isn't intinually lying just trying to get you off her back. Relax a little with her. Again, I don't mean to make you mad but just try a more relaxed approach to her and see if it helps. Good luck!

Read "Love and Logic Magic Parenting from Birth to Six years".

Sounds like you have a normal child!

We keep telling our 4 year old that if she wants to do what she wants to do, sometimes she has to do what mommy and daddy want her to do first.

We've asked her to put stuff away before and she will yell at us and say, "No...YOU do it!" We will either give her a time out or pop her booty or both depending on the severity of the "infraction". And at the same time we tell her, "You do NOT talk to mommy or daddy that way. We aren't talking to you that way. It's very mean."

We've also had issues with the not listening. Once, we came home to find two wasps flying around the light in our kitchen. We had to tell her rather forcefully to stay where she was while daddy and I dealt with the wasps. We ended up being able to put them in zip-lock bags (didn't want to take chances at just smushing them and putting in the garbage can which was good because later they were moving around like nothing happened). Paige got really upset about it, and afterwards, we put the zip-lock bag on the counter, and brought her over telling her, "Okay, we're sorry we were so loud and all, but do you see this right here...it's a wasp...it can sting you and hurt you. Mommy and Daddy love you and don't want you to get hurt...that would be bad, right? So that's why it's so important to listen to us. Okay?"

She still gets mad at us...when we tell her it's time to go upstairs and she isn't ready for that (to get ready for bed). She'll go huff and say, "I sad" or "I mad". We've told her it's okay for her to be mad at us or sad about something, but it isn't okay for her to yell at us or treat us badly.

Biggest thing is being consistant. Like Dr. Phil says, Kids need to be able to predict with 100% accuracy what's going to happen if they misbehave. Whatever disciplinary action is taken, it needs to be immediate, consistant, and appropriate to the 'crime.' He also says that it takes about 10 attaboy's to counteract a negative thing...make sure to look for things she's doing right and reward that somehow.

We've also started attaching things to when she wants to do things. For example, when we were going through potty training and she wanted to play on my computer...."Okay, you can play on mommy's computer, but you have to go potty first!" Just like when they choose a bad behaviour there's a consequence; to do stuff they want to do, there's a price to pay to get what you want to do too. Nothing grossly severe or anything - now it's, "okay, you can do that, but can you take this to daddy first?" And when she does, we both tell her, "Thank you so much....you are such a big help! Good job!!"

Just a few thoughts I had...for whatever it's worth...and Good luck!

There was a time when I had to "Is this the truth or a story?" with my son about things such as your discribing. What really helped me was that his pre-school teacher spent a week discussing the difference between REAL and MAKE BELIEVE, Pretend or fantasy. When she taught this lesson she included that there are appropriate times to use real stories and appropiate times to make up your own story. It stuck.
At home I found cause and affect worked (and sticking to it). Punishments might not work the first day or fifth day. They might still fight you a week later depending on level of stubborenness. But in a couple weeks, they will learn that when they tell you a lie, they will be punished, and they will stop if they don't like the punishment.
If my son says he cleaned up his room and it wasn't done I turn the tv off for the whole day, if it's the end of the day the tv is gone for the next day. He knows this, and therefore keeps his room clean.
If he dumps out the shampoo in the bathroom and lies about it, he's not allowed to take a shower alone for a week, and has no extra play time in shower or bath the whole week. He also has to buy a new bottle of shampoo with his own money. It still happens once a month but he knows the punishment.
I dont think I'm strict in a sense that I have a lot of rules, but the ones I have must be followed. Sticking to the punishments work and work well.
My sister baby sits a 5 year old. She was not discplined in her home and did not attend preschool before my sister watched them. It took a good 6-8 weeks to get her to stop lying and beating up her younger brother. My sister used simple time outs. 5 minutes for the 5 year old.
I by no means don't mean to come across that you do not discipline and stick with it. I just wanted to give some different ideas. :) Picking one punishment for the crime and sticking to it should help.
Nap time: :) I LOVE MY NAPS (I work nights 7p-7a)...so my son has to lay down. I have him take a nap with me, it's his special Mommy time. He has to lay in bed for one hour. No tv, no toys and no books. Just lay there. (we learned how to tell time this way!) Some days he naps for 3 hours and others not at all, but he rest. This helps us get through the day.
I know this was long. I hope it help! Best of luck! Love the good times and remember them during the rougher times ;)

Hi K.,

My son went through the same stage. He's 5 now. Having a punishment fit the crime helps a lot. And, so does time out for excessive talking back.

Rewards helped my son the most. That way, he got immediate feed back. He loves pennies. So, when he listens, asks nicely, etc., we reward him with a penny or two. Similarly, when he yells or refuses to help, we remind of his choices and take a penny or two. (Now that he's older, we let him use his pennies to "buy" treats, so they have even more value.)

Something to think about.

Good luck!

Did my daughter come to live with you??!!! We are in the exact same situation! I could have written your post. What we are doing is going back to the immediate gratification/punishment system. We have tried timeouts and they are just not effective for us. We have used them consistently for 2 years with little luck. When our 3yr old is good and does just what I ask then she gets a sticker for her chart or stick on earrings (these are awesome!) So, she gets to earn things with her stickers. We do this with potty training too. The punishment that we find the most effective for us is castor oil. It sounds a little harsh but I checked with my pediatrician and he gave us the go ahead. Every time she is naughty to me or her brother (hitting, kicking, biting etc.) she gets a little castor oil and if she repeats the behavior we upgrade to a spoon full. It won't hurt her as it is a good digestive supplement. We almost never have to give her the spoonful. She hates the oil. It tastes really bad. The other great thing is if she wants me to make cookies or cupcakes I make them and she has to earn one. If she doesn't the rest of the family can eat theirs anyway. We don't spare her seeing everyone else enjoy what they have earned. That really drives the point home. We are going through the same napping issue which is really bad as she and my 1 yr old share a room. If she doesn't take a nap then he doesn't get one either because she is jumping on his bed and running around the room. We are working on this one now.

I agree with the other posts. One quick thing, it sounds like you are giving her the opportunity to lie. i.e. "Did you clean your room?" gives her the option to say "yes." If you already know the answer is "no," then ask a different question, e.g. "Why haven't you cleaned your room." or simply a directive "You need to clean your room now."

Good luck! I thought 3 was the worst year. :-)

Hi K.. What kind of discipline do you use? It sounds like it's the typical behavior of a child with a lack of discipline. If you don't punish her for bad behavior, you're not going to get a good behavior out of her. With my kids, I say "Did you make your bed?" Now, they do not lie to me now (they're 4 and 5), but when they were 2-3 they used to simply because they didn't know it was wrong yet. So, I would ask them and if they said "yes" I would say "let's go look" and would hold their hand back to their bedroom. Then, when I went in and saw it wasn't made I would say "Didn't you say your bed was made?" They would say "yes" and I would say "Well, you said it was made when it wasn't. That is lying. Now you have to be punished because we do not lie." Then they would get a spanking. It may seem like she won't understand what a lie is, but if you plainly explain it, believe me she will know what you're talking about. One thing I want you to think about is that she'll be starting preschool soon, if she hasn't already. It's your job to set her up for success in school. If you don't teach her how to obey and respect you and her father at home, then what makes you think she'll go to school and respect and obey her teachers? It's up to the parents to give their children the tools they need to succeed in life, no matter what. The children who are not properly disciplined and taught how to respect adults end up getting in trouble at school, which is not good for their self esteem. Children are very black and white, and when they get in trouble for not listening, etc. in school over and over, they begin to take on the mindset that they really AREN'T good at listening, and before you know it, their self esteem is not like that of a child who's receiving nothing but praise from their teachers because their teacher doesn't have to get on them ever about not listening. I just want you to give it some thought because if you don't get ahold of her now, it's not going to get better. Trust me, once girls hit 4 or 5 years of age, they begin acting like little teenagers, so if you don't teach her how to respect you now, you will have a heck of a time in a year or two. My daughter is 5, and a very very good girl, but she has moments everyday where I have to say to her "Aryana, who's the mommy?" and it just reminds her that she needs to obey me without trying to argue with me. It's a constant struggle as it is, and I can't imagine going through this period without having already instilled in her the nature of obeying me and my husband and having respect for adults.

Losing the nap is a difficult thing to go through. When my son quit taking his, he would always fall asleep while I was fixing dinner. (I blame it on Mr. Rogers, but that's probably unfair of me, lol!) Then he would be a bear to wake up, and crabby for a long time. (BTW, I guess it'a a personality trait, because he's still that way at 20 if he dozes off late afternoon!) I would still insist on "quiet time" even if your daughter doesn't sleep. You need the break, and she probably does too.

As far as the lying, it's totally normal. Who wouldn't lie in her situation? She doesn't understand the consequences yet. Try not to ask her questions that will get her in trouble if she answers truthfully. Instead of asking, "Did you make your bed?" say, "Let's go see how you did on your bed!" And when asking her to do chores, give her choices within your plans for her. "Which do you want to do first; make your bed, or help me with the silverware?" Making her feel like she has more control over her day should help her stay in better control of herself. And big hugs when she does a good job, and maybe a treat at the end of a good day will help her realize that it's good for her to do what you expect.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

I feel your pain! We have a now 4 1/2 yr old...who started the exact same things at 3 1/2. I was told that they really don't understand lying until closer to 6 yrs. old. They lie to get what they want but don't understand that it is not the right thing to do. I still deal with alot of the behavior here and there..We had to learn to choose our battles. It sounds cliche or whatever but we really have to CHOOSE wisely. I thought it would be easier as well to have that perfect child...haha!! It doesn't exist! They are all so different and have their moments. But, for now, we discipline when needed (i.e. after being asked to do something, if she chooses not to...she has a consequence immediately-the lesser the offense the smaller the consequence). She is also a daycare child and when around others that are misbehaved...we notice her behavior is worse. So, we have to take that into consideration. I found out that there were 3 misbehaved in her class that are not out for summer...WHAT A DIFFERENCE in her behavior!Also, we do sticker charts (especially for bed time which has been quite a challenge as well for about 8 mos)Good Luck!