Discipline - Fountain Inn,SC

H.,
I'm in the same boat as you are. I have a 5 and 9 yr old and a new finance. He has been living with me, which my father lives with me also. My boys do not want to listen and I'm at my last nerve. If you get any suggestion please share them with me. I"m considering put them into some counseling. Thanks and best of luck.

I am a single father, and from a man's point of view; all of the responsibilty lies with you and the boyfriend. They have to see mutual respect. Not between the two of you but respect for EVERYONE in the house. If you are moving in together I can assume that they have spent a good amount of time with him. Birthdays, parks, and just regular ol' family tv time. You have to expand on that time , and make sure evryone follows the rules of the house.

Then again that's just an opinion. I tend to be very careful about relationships that I get into now. So much , I don't really get into them. If you have any ideas on how I can make myself more comfortable they would be gladly appreciated. I admire the courage you have to live your own life as well as care for your children. Still trying to find that balance

I waited until I was 28 to marry, and I have been a mother 21 years now. Honestly, what you are asking for your children you need to learn and apply to your own llfe.
There is a series of "momma" saying that I have found to be true in my life:
Children Learn What They Liv.

If children live with criticism, they will learn to criticize.
If children live with hostility, they will learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they will learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they will learn to feel guilty
If children live with tolerance, they will learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement,they will learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they will learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they will learn justice.
If children live with security,they will learn to have faith.
If children live with acceptance and friendship, they will learn to find love in the world.

Moving in with a man after 6 months on dating with no commitment could be telling your children a message about how you feel about them. Ages 2 and 3 are critical training years about the basics of family living and loving. If it were ME, I would think less about my own needs and more about the needs of these two children who look to me as a role model. Self sacrifice may not always be the easiest thing to do, but the benefits outweigh selfishness every time!

I think you first have to take into account that the children are about to have a big adjustment, with your boyfriend moving in, so their behavior is about to escalate, not get better more than likely. I would say wait for a month at least before trying to change behaviors. Make sure that you positively reinforce them for doing behavior you like "that was great that you said please"; "mommy is very proud of you for putting your blocks up like I asked". But please remember they are going to have an adjustment period. Behaviors are not going to change overnight. Also, give them lots of extra attention with a new person moving in. Make sure you respect, that even though they are only 2 and 3, they have feelings about this and may not like their space (and their time with mommy) being invaded. Children understand a lot more than given credit for most of the time, I have found. If the behaviors escalate or there is a major change, I would recommend taking them to a child counselor.

Consistency is important,you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. It is also important to model the behavior you want your children to exhibit.

Consistently reward good behavior and consistently correct misbehavior. It will be easier for them to understand the benefits of good behavior.

Moving in together is a serious transition for all of you.Your children are with you for life and your most important responsibility. A boyfriend is not as permanent. What role does your boyfriend play in their lives? Do they see your boyfriend respecting you? What role do you want your boyfriend to have in parenting your children? If your child is not feeling well can they come into your bedroom or is the bedroom off limits because of the new living arrangements? Please remember that your children's lives are impacted by your choices, always do what is in their best interest. I hope that you have a wonderful life and that this man will only enhance your life and the life of your children abundantly.

After raising 5 children of my own, I think that I might qualify as having experience in this field. My children learned very young to respect me and they continue to do it today. My youngest daughter is in the army and she still says " yes mam" and "no mam".I think that you have to give your children a lot of attention for them to learn. Always be aware of them and their presence. Give them your time and take time to correct them when they make their mistake. I think being attentive to children when they are young is very important. That is their learning years and you have to keep at it always. These are your children and not your boyfriends'. You are the one to teach them. Get on their level and say it with a calm voice. Always let them know how much you love them. Never let a man nor anyone come between you and your children. Give them time to get used to the idea of someone else moving into the house.
Don't let them feel that he is taking their place in your heart.

Dear H.,

I highly recommend Jane Nelson's book "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers." It will help you learn to understand your kids, and when your children KNOW that you will listen to them and care about their feelings, they'll WANT to work cooperatively with you. They'll TRULY respect you, not just obey and comply out of fear. In the long run, gaining their trust and cooperation is much more effective than all the nagging, threatening, punishments (and rewards!) in the world.
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Preschoolers-Ye...

At this age, they really don't have the capacity to understand abstract concepts like "disrespect for authority", so don't take it personally, or feel threatened when they don't immediately obey your every command. It takes a long long time for them to learn how to express themselves, and even longer if you get on them for "back talk" or "sassing." They just want their voices heard, too, and if their mother won't listen to them, NO ONE else in the world will.

Teach them respect by modeling respect *to* them, teach them to listen by listening *to* them. Validate their feelings and let them know you understand how they feel, even if it isn't an "acceptable" feeling, like not wanting to share. This isn't caving in to whatever they want - it's showing you are listening and understand. Don't allow them to pull you into anger - strive to show kindness and firmness at the same time. (Easier said than done.)

Don't try to solve a problem when they are too upset to comprehend - they can't be rational when they've lost control of their emotions. Get them through the meltdown, and when they are calm, they can be receptive to finding a solution.

If something isn't working, don't keep doing the same thing again and again just for the sake of "consistency."
Consistency is only a virtue if you did something perfectly the first time. It's much better to think about your interactions with your kids, when something screws up, re-hash it in your mind, try to think what you could have done better, resolve to continually improve your parenting. Just admitting your mistakes to your child and apologizing is huge. So many parents are afraid they if they admit they've made a mistake, they look weaker, but if children see you admit a mistake or confess that you could have handled something better or apologize for losing your temper, they begin to recognize it in themselves.

And whenever possible, you should be the one to handle the correction/teaching/discipline, especially if the children are acting in a way that will bring out the anger in an adult. There are times when children will drive you to lose your temper, but you are much less likely to lash out in anger if they are your own flesh and blood, the love is too fierce. Nothing against your boyfriend - it's just a biological truth that you have a stronger bond to your children than he ever can. Most step-parents would never hurt a child, but of the children that *are* abused or... or worse, they are most likely victims of a step-parent. (Not to freak you out - that's just the way it is.)

Good luck!

Hi H.,
If I were in your shoes, I would take a little more time to think about moving in with a man who you have only been with for 6 mos. It's a huge deal for your children to have someone else in there lives. I would make sure he spends some time with them maybe alone so they can get to know him better and vice versa. Like suggested above try 1-2-3 magic for a few months and really stick to it and get the children in a good place discipline wise and ease them in to your boyfriend living with you. Good luck!

H..

I know you would like to have a father figure for your two little ones, but I am concerned about the amount of time you have known this young man. I think it is too soon to move in. If you two are serious enough to move in, why not get married and teach your children another lesson about commitment?
If you are willing to move in together without marriage, you also need to talk to your boyfriend about disciplining your tikes. If you can imagine that many married couples struggle with disciplining their children, just imagine how hard it will be if you have a guy that is not the father. I would suggest that you be the one to discipline your children and he take on the role more like a cool uncle.
If you have any friends with blended families talk to them about their struggles and how they have over come them if they have. I am sure is a book out there you and your boyfriend can read to make the transistion more smooth.
Wishing your family all the best.

Y.

ADD ON:Don't stress about living with your boyfriend after only dating for 6 months and not being married. I knew my husband only from school, never dated him. In Dec 2003 he was in town and we went to dinner at a place my then 3yr old could go. It was an instant connection between us. Feb 2004 we were engaged, March 2004 I had moved from IN to SC with my daughter and Nov 2004 we were married. My daughter had hardly been around him but it was the right choice for us. Nov of this year marks our 5yrs of marriage and we couldn't be happier!! You know what is best for you and your boys.

And as far as positive discipline goes....I read reviews about that book on Amazon.....a child can't learn that bad things will happen if all discipline is positive. Is the police officer going to hug your son when he is 18 and gets pulled over for speeding or write him a ticket???

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One of the best books I've read is 1 2 3 Magic. It talks about start behaviors (pick up toys, using manners, etc) and stop behaviors (back talking, whining, etc) And how not to let yourself get into an argument with your 3yr old. You know the ones....Can I have a cookie....No, it's too close to dinner.....please just one......I said no.....but pleeeaaassseeee.....I told you no now knock it off.....I want a cookie......

The key to anything with kids is lay down the rules, be consistent with it and have a reasonable punishment for misbehavior. Your boys should respect all adults, not just your boyfriend.

I have a 3yr old son and I swear he is very much different than my daughter was at this age. He tells me know, back talks and will plain out ignore me at times. And his little rear end gets put in time out for it. He has gotten better over time and all children are a work in progress. They will go through phases where they will push your buttons more so than the week before. The key to remember is you are the parent and no child ever died from crying because he didn't get a cookie right before dinner time!

Good luck
S.

If nothing is official with you and your boyfriend, maybe you should wait before moving in together. Six months is a relatively short amount of time to be with someone and then decide to move in together when children are involved. Focus on having them to respect not only you, but themselves and others in general. They may believe that the only reason you are emphasizing that they use their manners is because you are concerned with what your boyfriend thinks of them. This may cause them to act out even more than they are now.

Hi H.,
My first thoughts.
Every 2 and 3 year old, believe me, I have a 2 year old and an 8 year old that was once 2 and 3, are back talkers and generally 'buck the system' so my advice is perhaps you should prepare your new boyfriend for a 2 and a 3 year old instead of the other way around. They are way too young to understand your situation. Treat it as any other person, deal with their behavior on the spot but please do not let him be the one to discipline. I do not think it is a step parents place to discipline until they have well deserved the right to discipline and have proven to you and your children that he will stick around first so that means many years. I had 4 stepfathers. Some were mean and only 1 truly cared about me and did not treat me as if I rained on their parade.
I think you should be more concerned about adjusting your children to a new boyfriend then worrying about them respecting some man you have only known for 6 months.
Sorry if it is harsh. I always feel for the kids in situations like this because they do not choose their home lives.
Good luck.

I think you shouldn't move in with a guy unless you've dated for a long time and are getting married. Do I feel that way about childless people-NO, but where kids are concerned, when you start moving boyfriends in after only 6 months, you're opening yourself and them up to a world of trouble. If you're already having issues with them, they're about to get MUCH worse! Concentrate on the kids(my 3 yr old has behavior issues too), and enjoy dating, but keep it at that. Seriously,live-in boyfriends and small children don't mix-there are MANY serious problems that can arise and often do.

Two suggestions, neither of which I am great at:

First, I've been advised to work on one problem at a time, and give 6 weeks to break an old habit and form a new one. I'm terrible at this, but I think it does keep us all a little saner and calmer when I can remember to focus on one thing and let other stuff slide a bit.

Second, my daughter (now five) is completely incapable of keeping her mouth shut. Getting her to close her mouth and not back talk was impossible until I learned to make her say something else instead, usually, "Yes, Momma." Sometimes they will answer me this way up front, or if they forget and start backtalking, I make them go back and practice the right answer. Yes, with stubborn 3 year olds this sometimes requires a 10-minute battle of "No, you don't get to go play. You get to sit right here next to Mommy until you can say Yes Ma'am." But it does seem to help when I can be consistent. Best of luck,

V. (mom of 5-year-old twins and a just-turned-3-yr-old)

Hi H.,

I don't want to be judgmental...but...I don't think it's a good idea to move in with your boyfriend after only six months. If this isn't the guy you are getting ready to marry, then why why bother letting him into your kids lives. Do the kids get along with him? How do they feel about the move? A 2 and 3 year old don't even know what "back talk" is. All they know is that they are trying to express themselves the only way they know how. I'm not saying let them get away with temper tantrums or using bad words. But if you tell them to pick up their toys, and they say "no", it's not because they disrespect you. Just let them know why they need to pick up their toys and because mommy says so. Give them consequences, like, if you don't pick up your toys, mommy will take it away. Are the kids father still in their lives? How does he feel about the situation?

Hi H.,
This man is not a permenant fixture in their lives, he should be showing them love and respect and giving very little discipline. You are going to get some issues, because like any child, they are goign to resent the attention being given elsewhere. Why should your children do all the accomodating? Perhaps you could use positive reinforcement of loving and kind behavior - of which both authorities in their lives should be demonstrating for them to follow.
Focus on your little guys and give them some room - not bad room, but moving in a boyfriend, that you have not even committed to, and expecting them to commit to is a pretty big double standard. In my humble opinion, there should be lots of time, discussion, and circumstance around moving another adult in on two small children - not worrrying about controlling their behavior.
My 2 cents, J.

H.,
The most important thing to remember about discipline is consistency. Sometimes we think that our little ones are "cute" when they do and say things they shouldn't.
You mentioned "just now jumping the gun.." Now you will have to command respect by firmness and attaching a meaningful consequence to the targeted behaviors. I hope this helps.
B.

H.,

Are you sure you want to live together without the sanction of a marriage license? I'm not passing judgment, just I know what I did in the past and it wasn't good for my child. Please think of the children first and foremost. I have used a good method which is the 123 take 5. I give 1, then 2, then 3 warnings and then they take 5 minutes time out in the same chair. I use their age as to how many minutes. Like 2 for the 2 year old and 3 for the 3 year old. If there is hitting it is an automatic time out!!!! They have a ton of good books out there also, Boundaries for Kids by Dr. Cloud and Townsend and also Love Language for Children. Also, if you do decide to move in together, just remember................they are your children and you should parent them, not the boyfriend. Please, please think this through. If you are so in love and committed, try couples counselling with a pastor or good therapist and then move onto marriage after the correct time. 6 months is not enough time.......give yourself a year to truly get to know each other. NOT JUDGING just sharing not good experience for first my child and second myself. Respect yourself more and expect the very best for your children and yourself. DON'T SETTLE PLEASE.