Dilemma with My Nephew

I think it was reasonable to request a 'family only' attendance for this event. As teens, we all had to learn-- it's really not about us, it's about others. This isn't about the girlfriend-- if he'd wanted to bring a gaming buddy, that wouldn't have been appropriate either. He's there to celebrate Grandma's birthday.

If he gripes, let him know that when he's old enough to have a fiance who wants to be 'family' and who will officially be family, she will be more than welcome. :)

I think you are being mean. I would never tell my GS that he couldn't bring his gf to a family dinner/get together. I might tell him if he does, they need to stay with the party, but I would not say no.

AFTER YOUR READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

So what are you going to DO? AND MORE TO THE POINT: A good mom does NOT mean letting what EVER your kid wants GOES!! So nothing here has happened.

I don't think you are being mean. I do think you are being "unrealistic" when it comes to teenage "first love"...My step-father use to say about my sister and her first high school boy friend, "I saw them in the car the other day and they looked like a "two headed monster"! I thought it was pretty funny, but I'm sure my sis did not. As long as the girl is polite, clean, helps out when asked, and is respectful, I would give your nephew the green light.

I do suggest that you and your sister ask the girl for help when she is over for meals. (i.e. set the table, help with dishes, make a salad, etc. etc.) If she feels like part of the family, you all might feel a little better.

Keep us posted.

I understand your position, but I think it was a little mean.

You aren't being mean, you are setting a boundary. Its perfectly within your rights to want them to be separate. I would tell your nephew directly and also your sister too. Just tell them you want it to be super special and only family should be there. Good luck!

Your fine. Stand your ground. It's not going to hurt anyone that it just be "family" there for one night.

I think you are completely reasonable! Mabey it will inspire your sister to set good boundaries for her son too. Good job!

I agree, it's perfectly fine for you to have made this request. Many things are family-only and you have a right to have it that way. Your nephew does need to be able to function without her.

I also agree that he will probably be sulky. It's kind of a no-win situation. Still, boundaries need to be set.

You might want to give him an incentive and say that if he decides to be social this time, you'll be happy to invite her over the next time. That is, if they're still together!

I think you were right and you were honest and upfront about why. She doesn't need to be at the house for the family event and maybe your pointing out that he ignores everyone else and it's a problem will be food for thought. It's your house, your invite. On the flip side, I think it also shows disrespect for elders if he chooses not to come or ignores the family if he does. He's not 2. He can man up for his grandmother.

If she lets him skip the event, that is also rude to your mother and I hope she enjoys being a grandmother soon. A problem I have with my stepson is that he wasn't required to attend family functions as a kid so now he picks and chooses and more often than not does not pick family events. So now DH is wondering where SS is...duh! You reap what you sow! So when there's something important to HER, his mom might be wondering where he is...because she didn't teach him to value his family. Teen love or not, you can still be respectful.

I think you were fine to say what you did. You could have also said "I don't mind if she comes over but when she does, you don't really visit with anyone else. Since this is for mom's birthday, I really want the family to interact. I would prefer that it was just family but if you really can't make it without her, she can come provided you can handle family interaction at the same time".

Hopefully you actually used the word no. Your post sounds like you suggested reasons for him to not bring her without making it clear that you expect him to not bring her.

I think you were justified in saying 'No'. It is a family celebration after all. He might be upset with it now but he will get over it.

When he gets there show him some extra love and thank him for being mature about it and not being mad at you.

I am dealing with the GF situation now too. My 18y/o SS has a GF and he wants her to come over every chance he can get and like your nephew all he does is isolate himself and her in the downstairs family room and it gets old...like quick!!

~That's how I get out of sticky situations with my teens. I ask them or tell them straight up 'I am sorry your plan(s) can not work out this time...Please Don't be mad at me' and usually the guilt kicks in and they get over it and say 'No, I am not mad at you'. Ha! It might not be the best way...but it has worked for me thus far.

Your house, your invite! If he chooses not to come, so be it. When he gets older, he can look back and see what a brat he was being.

If he is upset and you want to compromise, how about asking him to partake in the conversation.

I'm gonna agree with Tony V here, as the mom of 4 adult children (and 4 much younger ones), your expectations need to be realistic. Teen love is annoyingly frustrating. They can not seem to function outside of each other. It's really crazy and would drive me nuts. Just recently my nephew got married and my son pretty much said, in a round about way, that he wouldn't go if his girlfriend wasn't invited. I looked at him like he was crazy, but told him to call his aunt and ask her. I knew she would say yes, one more person wasn't really a big deal. I just didn't like his attitude.

You have every right to say no, it is your home just be prepared for a sulky 16 year old.