Dil Daughterinlaw

She may be mad about something that you did/have done. I have issues with my MIL all the time. But, in the end, I love her. Speak! Texting, emailing, etc. is NOT the way to go about things. Adults need to learn to speak to each other face to face again.

Rather than exploding via text, I would recommend a real heart to heart. In person. It sounds like you two need to clear the air with eachother.

are you invited? do you have a good relationship with her generally? is she focused on her kids at THEIR events rather than making small talk with you?
if my MIL exploded and sent me poison text messages i'd be pretty damn pissed off. why on earth would you think it appropriate to text her instead of having a real conversation?
don't be the MIL everyone knows and talks about.
khairete
S.

I don't pay attention to ANYONE during my son's games. I'm riveted on him. I'll talk with other parents before & after (catch up, setting up playdates, etc.), but I CANNOT concentrate on other people when I'm watching my son. I warn friends and family, because I've learned this about myself... and by and large... they're fine with it. But i really do ignore them. Not out of any slight, but because the purpose of going to a game/performance for me ISN'T socializing. Especially not with people I see in other places. Team parents I talk to because that's when I see them, but at best they only get 1/10th of me, and only because they initiate it if it's during the game. Performances are FAR worse, because I get overwhelmed with all the people / "that's my son!" anxious-excited.

If someone exploded on me about ignoring them at a function for my child, my response would be along the lines of "It was my SON'S game/ performance/ etc. I'm sorry, but I can't visit during his events."

Some people CAN multitask, heck, I am the QUEEN of multitasking (the commercial with the woman at the car shop commercial who randomly reaches out and snags her son off of a stack of tires without missing a beat in the conversation? That's me. EXCEPT during things where "it's about him"). some people CAN'T.

Are you there to see your grandchild or are you there to socialize?

You "show up" invited or uninvited? For her to ignore you, seems like she's annoyed about something. Are you overbearing? My soon-to-be Ex-MIL wanted to invite herself to everything and I found that overbearing just to think about it. She also made the mistake of "exploding" via email and I gave it back to her because she didn't consider her actions versus my feelings. By you exploding doesn't sound like you self-reflected, and seems more like you were mad because she doesn't embrace you. There's a reason for everything and you will only hopefully learn that reason by talking and being honest about your actions, and likewise on her part.

face to face talk. No texting, no emailing.

Well if you are texting nasty things to her then you are definitely responsible for the relationship continuing to go south. Perhaps she has always sensed hostility toward her from you. Perhaps she sees the soccer games and kindergarten performances to be about her child and not about her relationship with you.

When you attended these events, were you there early? Did you approach your DIL or did you wait for her to come to you? Or did you arrive after it began, and then just go sit somewhere and pout and sulk because you weren't approached?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this behavior sounds EXACTLY like some I have dealt with. You need to grow up and approach your DIL face to face, with a smile. You need to walk up to her and hug her and ask how things in her life are going. You need to share the moment of the child being successful in her endeavors. You need, in other words, to make more of an effort being a likeable, involved MIL.

And you need to apologize for your texts. In person. Like a grown up. To both your DIL and your son. And you need to tell them you want a better relationship with them and openly listen to anything that they have to say that might help you get that relationship.

Why should you make all the effort? Because you want the relationship to change and you are not happy where it is now. So you need to make the supreme effort here. It may not seem fair and it may not be the way you want it, but if you are the kind of person who explodes and sends nasty texts, then you are the one who needs to do the extra work. Also, this really isn't about them. It is about the grandchild who would love to have a relationship with a grandmother who loves their WHOLE family.

VickiS

if you're the kind of person that would explode via text at someone I'm sure there are other innappropriate things you may have done, while not super mature to ignore someone, it is more mature than fighting via text or in person, atleast she was concentrated on her son and not you, you on the other hand were bust concentrating on the negative instead of your grandson...I would say its safe to assume you;ve done more, or your son would have issues with her.....I would say look inward and see what you may have done and if there realyl is nothing than go out to lunch and have a tlak but be prepared to hear things that aren't so nice!

.

E.:

You are adult. Why on earth would text like a teenager?! Sorry - exploding via text is VERY juvenile.

Now what you need to do is apologize for texting her and exploding. You need to have a heart-to-heart to figure out what the problem is and where you guys go from here.

Are you treating her as you want to be treated?
Are you expecting her to drop trow and run to you, hug you and make a huge scene that you are there?

Tell her what you expect. Treat her as you want to be treated. This is about the two of you - don't bring your son in on this - you need to apologize to your DIL for exploding and find a common ground on expectations.

I don't have a MIL any more - if she were still alive and showed up at a soccer game or baseball game - I'd be TOTALLY thrilled...but I wouldn't make a HUGE scene and such.....although she would've loved that. She always loved being the center of attention.

I hope that the two of you will be able to meet, discuss and get the air cleared. Get expectations and goals out and work to having a great relationship!!

I have a similar relationship with my mother-in-law and frankly it's because I am DONE. I made an effort early on, but there's a point where you come to the conclusion that it's not worth it anymore. I don't know your circumstances, but I can speak a similar point of view as your DIL.

How to handle the behavior? Stop trying to make it something it isn't. Your DIL is inviting you to these things because she realizes that you love your grandchildren and your son. She is asking you for their sake, not hers. Trust me, she could be crueler and just lock you out from all family things altogether.

If you haven't apologized for the texts, you should. But that isn't going to change the fact that she will always know in the back of her hear what you really think of her. Focus on your relationship with your son and grandkids. Be polite, but don't force yourself into her life.

If you feel it's a burden to care for your grandchildren, don't do it. Only charging them $30 a week is generous-if you're a stranger. But you're their grandmother. There may be a point of contention there. You resent that they don't appreciate you more, but in their mind they are paying you for a service and shouldn't have to show more appreciation.

Again, I am speaking from the perspective of a DIL who has all but ended my relationship with my MIL. Sometimes personalities just don't mesh. Be polite, model a civil relationship for the children and move on. Maybe there's a chance for reconciliation at some point, but it's not happening today.

Does she actually IGNORE you, meaning you speak to her and she acts as if she doesn't hear you? Or is she just not making you the focus of her attention when you're together? There is a huge difference!

My MIL has a need to be the focus of everything at all times. She wants everyone to bend over backwards whenever she is around and constantly be asking her what she needs, wants, likes, etc. It's always about her. I have 3 little kids, a husband, a dog and myself to look after. I don't have time or the energy to be worrying about her. If she needs something she asks and I'm happy to oblige, but I'm not going out of my way. Now I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is we get along ok. We're not extremely close but we are ok.

If you go to a lot of the kids events (or all of them) it could just be that she'd like a few events to be just her family. She may be tired of you being involved in everything (if that's the case).

Whether she's right or wrong or somewhere in the middle, it's not HER behavior you need to concern yourself with. You'll never change her anyway, she's an adult. All you can do is look at your own behavior and change if it's appropriate.

As others have said, definitely lay off the texting. Whether there was something wrong before or not, I'm sure that as a result of your text there is something wrong now and texting your "blowup" just makes you look immature and ridiculous.

I am curious as to what your definition of "ignoring you" is? My MIL is very needy and not outgoing. If she came to my child's events, I would say 'hi' but not necessarily spend any extra time with her as I am friends with many others at the event and am busy socializing with them. I am respectful of my MIL but do not consider her a friend as I tend to not be attracted to needy people. Did you take the initiative to say hi to her?

I have to agree with everybody's comments on texting. I have a teenager and ALL of the friend misunderstandings/fights have occurred because of angry texts, never face-to-face discussions.

Only use texts the adult way, i.e., quick notes or questions to people, not interpersonal problems!!!

It's going to have to be a face-to-face, adult conversation with your DIL, without the kids, possibly with your son and maybe at neutral ground, like a lunch -- that you buy! And start by apologizing profusely for your juvenile texting and promising to never do it again!!

L. F., mom of a 15-year-old daughter

Well, you should have TALKED to her like an adult rather than texting her. Keep in mind, when at these events, she is there to watch her kid perform or play and not to entertain you. You are presumably there for the same thing. Yes, she should say hi and show courtesy but you're not there for a visit with her. You don't say how your relationship is otherwise but I'm guessing not good if you text her and told her "what you thought of her".

My Mil was feeling very depressed and her cat didn't come to her when she called so she said she spanked it. Really? Bet it won't come now at all. Maybe you are a little demanding to the DIL or could be just a personality conflict but either way, she probally won't come to you now.
You are going to have to hold your tongue or fingers before you speak for sure now. Look into the possibility of depression and get some help if you need it.

- After reading the addition, it still sounds like something deeper is going on. She has a history of being like this, but WHY? She talks to children and her husband but not adults... And where is your SON in all of this? Can he explain what's going on? Can he help fix this? You don't mention him at all so I'm not sure what's going on there. I hope you can work together to figure this out. At the very least, everyone needs to be polite for the sake of the kids. Good luck!

ORIGINAL ANSWER: It sounds like there are issues on both sides. You are both adults, and you've been an adult longer than she has. She is now the main woman in your son's life - I don't know if that bothers you, but I read a lot of posts where the MIL cannot let go and it's very uncomfortable for the DIL to deal with boundary crossing, etc.

Take some time to figure out how YOU are feeling, because you stated yourself that you exploded and texted her "what you thought of her" - which is pretty immature behaviour. Once you figure out what you want out of your relationship with your DIL AND son - because they are a unit as well as separate people, then deal with it. Apologize and explain, and ask to "restart" the relationship.

Treat others like you want to be treated, not like you feel like treating them. You can't expect respect when you don't give it.

Good luck!

hmmm, you sound like a problem. lol, I'm just kidding :) I know that my mother and my sister in law are COMPLETELY different on how they view everything. My SIL is in her own world most of the time, and my mom is extremely sensitive, emotional, dramatic, and sometimes feels that the world revolves around her, which can lead to having problems here and there. I LOVE my mom, who is VERY helpfull, a great mom and grandmother, but was raised in a different world/society that I and SIL, and it's very true.

Not saying there situation is like yours, but people have different personalities, different stuff going on in their lives that they may or may NOT make public. Which is ok, but she could've been thinking of anything But you at the time. Who knows. Always avoid the drama, put your big girl pants on when you calm a bit, and simply ask if you have done anything to hurt her feelings, because you would like her to speak at the grandchildren's activities that you visit. Simple, drama free, and to the point. Definitely do this face to face, very rude to do via text. Definitely appologize for that, talk to her at a GOOD time (ask her when you could have 5 min of her time),and move on. Good luck!

Obviously something happened between the two of you. I am not sure you are being very forthright. If you truly want to turn things around you are going to have to dig deep down in your heart to remember what is was that happened. Then you ask her to go to dinner & talk to her heart to heart, face to face. Be very sincere & remember you are doing this for your son & for your grandkids.

oh & it was VERY immature of you to text her & explode on her & tell her what you thought of her. You seem to be playing the victim but it sounds like you have had a HUGE part in this terrible relationship, but until you can admit it then things cannot change.

Talking the way adults do Texting is for kids. Are you just "showing up", unannounced? Maybe you should make more direct plans to meet her there.

I agree w/the others you should have called or had a face to face meeting w/her and tell her how you feel, calmly. When family show's up to something of my childrens I always acknowledge them but don't necessarily chit chat w/them the whole time. I can see them anytime but the other mom's on the team I don't get to see all the time and like to catch up with them and of course watch the game. I have a feeling there is a lot of history w/you and your dil that we don't know about. I think you need to first, apologize for how you acted, then tell her how you feel and find out what the issues are. Good Luck!

I would like to respond to this from a different perspective. My daughter and 5 year old granddaughter live with my husband and me. We are very involved in her life. Her other set of grandparents are not. During the past school year she has become very involved in karate; classes every day after school, some on Saturdays and at least two tournaments a month. Between my daughter, my husband and me, we have developed a great routine for handling this. When her other grandmother comes to the tournaments, she wants to visit and I just don't have time. What I have started doing is when I see her at the first of the tournament I quickly tell her hello and tell her I will not have time to visit until MayMay is finished with all of her events. And then I do actually ignore her. It just isn't the place for us to catch up. In most cases she is already gone when MayMay is finished and we never get to visit. I can't help these circumstances.

That may be what your DIL is doing. They have a certain routine for games and performances. After you apologize for sending the text when you were so upset, that would also be a good time to ask her if there is something you could do to help during these times. If there isn't, just enjoy getting to watch your grandchild do what he/she loves to do. There are a lot of grandparents out there that live to far away to get to enjoy these times with there grandchildren.

If you texted there while at the performance you made a mistake. You should of waited and calmed down. Maybe the next day.

She could of just been very distracted. There are a lot of people at those games and mom might of felt a need to keep her eyes on the kids. I say this not knowing how old the children are but I know it is hard for me sometimes to not focus on the kids and yes people probably see me as rude. But I go to the games to see the kids play not to met and mingle.

Just keep asking polity what is wrong and she will come around and tell you her feelings. Apologize for that text as soon as you can. It isn't all about you all the time.

I feel sad for you. I would never say anything harsh to my DIL out of respect for my son if nothing else.
Since you have a text relationship with her, I can only guess that you might text her and say you are sorry for what ever you have done to contribute to the wall between you and you would like to do your part to mend it, and remind her that you love your son and your grandkids very much and that you appreciate her taking care of them. You are the older grown up here, time to put on your big girl hat and do what's necessary to mend the broken relationship. Life is too short to have a crappy relationship with your DIL for the next 30 or 40 years. Not good for the grandkids to feel that tention. Definitely talk to your son alone and see if he can give you advice on what has happened. He knows his wife and you pretty well and may have a logical solution to the problem. That's what I would try. Take your son to lunch and have a chat.

Sorry you were wrong. Why would she talk to you at a kindergarten performance? She is watching her child. Its about the kids not you. Don't text when you are mad. Wait until you calm down and then text.

The way she is acting is not right, But let me be the devils advocate for a second. You say she doesnt speak to. It kinda sounds like you are expecting her to make the first move or you dont speak to her either.

You said you went off on her. Maybe she feels like you or none of her husbands family like her and if she acts like that I can see why. So lets try to mend this. Your older and wiser, so you be the bigger person.

What would happen if next time ya are both at a function and she ignores you. Go up to her very cheerful and say something like, Mary, you look beautiful today, how r you. I'm so excited to see Johnny play soccer today. Then sit right next to her. If its an early game. ask your son what her fav drink is and take her Starbucks.

If this doesnt work and she is still rude, then it sounds like it is time for you, your husband, her and your sone to sit down and have an adult talk, without accusing, Just ask her why. Be nice, you always get more sugar that way. Good Luck. I go through points where I dont think my MIL like me and I have a hard time trying to figure out why, so its just easier to not talk. That way I dont get mt feelings hurt.

1) Take the high road and apologize for the things you said, being sure to mention that you were wrong and then ask for her forgiveness. You will be surprised at just how far both a sincere, and UNQUALIFIED admission of wrongdoing and ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS will go. Remember: It's not about your pride or about "being right," it's about your relationship with your family/grandchildren and your daughter-in-law's relationship with HER husband that's important. It might even be easiest for you to text it so that your emotion and hurt does not 'paint her in a corner' of a conversation and spur further angst.
2) Don't show up at soccer games or kindergarten performances. To stay in touch, call or send a note/flowers to your grandchild/ren to mark special performances instead. Seems like there are issues and it's best to give your daughter-in-law lots of room.

Just my 2 cents...