Difficulty at Dinner Time

We have had this same battle at my house! This is the approach I have taken with my 3 kids and it does work. At dinner time they are expected to sit at the table with us and they are served what everyone else is eating (kid friendly meals- I don't expect them to eat spicy foods, etc.). No negotiating. If they don't want it, don't like it, etc. - tough- don't eat it. But they're also told that there will be no snacks and no treats after dinner. No milk- just water. I know it sounds harsh but if they're hungry, they will eat. And they aren't allowed to get down from the table until everyone is done eating. If they choose not to eat that's fine but they can't get down and play until everyone is done. After a couple of hungry evenings without snacks and no dinner they choose to eat what is offered at dinner.

I am beginning to think this is the norm for some kids - regardless if they are offered snacks in the day (which is a good thing as small meals often helps the metabolism and keeps the mind active) or if you give them their favorite foods.

I also have found that on some days, like us, kids eat more one day than on the other day. If the weight gain is happening, then there should be no issue. Why fight?

For my son, we do the same: make games, offer healthy dessert options, set a timer or just say if you don't eat, then it's bedtime and that is that, meaning no more arguing.
As long as he eats most of his meal - has a well-rounded diet and I do provide my son a supplement... I am not worried and try not to make it an issue or ruin my dinner enjoyment. Life can be short and I would rather just enjoy the fun or make dinner fun for us all to have happy memories now. To me, it is more worth it than to fuss and fight.

This is what I have learned after the fighting...

B.; yes i think you are doing the right thing, we gave small portions like a bite or two of each item offered at dinner time he had to finish that before eating more, if not then he was done, another thing we did was turn off the tv and video games so we can eat dinner, without stuff, dinner time can be very valuable for a family i would stay consistant, if they dont want to eat then they need to sit there until you are done eating, fine dont eat but you cant get down, instead of saying no, try to say a yes without a no, i dont want to eat, thats fine, but you have to sit there, ignore his ploys of you letting him down or done, watch supernanny, ahahah she is great , give smaller portions, so they see they have to eat at least this much, it sounds like you are doing a good job just keep it up, it might be hard now, but it will certainly pay off later when your whole family can sit and enjoy dinner, it wll work, keep up the good work, D. s

I think your son is playing you and enjoying his power. I would have dinner as usual with the pretense that dinner time is dinner time...if you don't eat that's ok, but this is when dinner will be available. Talk about your day etc, and don't say anything about eating or not. Explain that it is nice manners to sit at the table while you and your husband eat and visit about your day. Don't focus on the "will he eat or not" issue. If he eats great, if not, he will just have to wait til morning. I think it would only take 1 or 2 evenings of being hungry and losing his power to get it. Toddlers are a challenge but if you stick to your guns using natural and logical consequences he WILL get it. Good Luck1

I have a 3 1/2 yr old and she is so strong willed it is amazing, I know what you are going through. I finally said if you don't want to eat then you can sit at the table while we do. If she throws a fit we let her down and she can sit in the other room - with the tv off. If she chooses not to eat I save her dinner in the fridge and if she gets hungry later she can eat it. Some nights she eats it later and others she does not, my dr. said don't worry about it as long as she has one good meal a day she will be fine. It is not worth fighting over, but we have noticed that if we ignore her and carry on our conversation during dinner she will eat and other times she starts a conversation with us and never eats. She is healthy and happy so I am not going to worry about it. I always have said this is not a restaurant so you eat what we give you. When we are out we don't even order her a meal anymore we let her have some of ours and at the family parties we just don't get upset about it. Good luck and I hope you get some positive information but don't let it ruin your meal with your husband that is an important time of the day and I look at like they will get over this phase.

Ahhh...the frustration of mealtime! It's so normal, almost a rite of passage, for kids to go through this assertion of independence...and what better stage to do it on than the platform of mealtime; a routine that your child KNOWS will happen every day?

I did all of the wheeling-dealing, too, until I read a couple of articles that said to just relax. Kids are not going to starve themselves; they're just testing out their boundaries and want to control at least something that has to do with them. I never did snacks, either, but I've since changed my philosophy on that one since I've switched to a Raw/Vegan diet. I eat numerous small meals each day, sometimes just an apple and some nuts, rather than 3 large ones. I have more energy that way, don't feel bogged down, and am much better able to determine when I'm actually hungry.

My daughter, who's 10 now, is neither Vegan nor Raw, but we still strive for healthfulness in her diet, and stress healthy food choices. I do offer snacks -- healthy ones -- and I don't stress if she doesn't eat much. There are days that she'll pick at her food, barely eating anything, and others that she's ravenous. In this way, her body is determining what she needs, rather than us trying to conform her body to a food routine.

That's not to say that we don't still have a meal schedule. We serve meals at roughly the same time each day, and snacks are offered around the same times, too. If it's too close to mealtime, I say no to the snacks. Still, I don't worry about how much she does or doesn't eat, more about what she eats. Since I've let go and stopped fighting, we don't battle about meals anymore, and her eating habits are far healthier.

You're doing a great job, Mom! Relax and enjoy your son while you have him to yourselves. In another few months you'll have your hands doubly full, and you definitely won't have the time or energy to fight about meals!

It sounds like you've been doing all the right things so far. He's just going through a phase where he's asserting his independence. I'd set him down with some very small portions at dinner. Let him know that he is expected to have it all finished before you are done eating, or even sooner if you think that is reasonable for him. Don't negotiate, just state that fact and begin eating. If he's not done with his plate at the time you set, go forward with the consequence. If that doesn't motivate him, take his plate and he has to get down from the table and if he's hungry later on, too bad. He won't starve from missing a meal. And if it really bothers him, he'll make a better effort the next time.

It sounds like the negotiating itself is the issue. Just set up some rules like you've mentioned before and then let him decide how he's going to do the eating.

We've been struggling with the same thing with our 2.5 year old. She's reacting to having a baby sister in the house (8 weeks now) - or at least that's my theory - and has just now started to eat really well again. We've given her MUCH smaller portions in the evening and when she won't finish her food, she deals with the consequences.

Hope this helps. Don't stress out about it, your family will understand and hopefully be supportive, he'll learn to eat just fine. So good to see people teaching their children to eat different types of foods! Best wishes!

So quit playing into this power struggle. Put your foot down, and start implementing some discipline. You're the parent here. If he doesn't start understanding who's in charge now he's going to have a rough time through school and life if he doesn't recognize authority.
What you put in front of him to eat, that's what he eats. If he gives you any lip about it, he gets a warning that he sits in the time out chair because he is not respecting you or your authority. Follow through, because he'll put you to the test to see if you're serious or just blowing smoke. Meal time is NOT a negotiation. You and hubby will have interrupted meals to discipline him until he eats without strutting his independence. It's good to have to a certain extent, but he's too young to know when to use it properly. If he doesn't eat his dinner, there are no snacks later, and it might be cold. Now when he starts behaving properly, bring him into the family 'arena', as in show interest in his day and what he did.

Just keep him at the table til you are ready to excuse him. (I agree about not letting him leave the table.) When he doesn't eat remind once or twice, you don't have to eat now but you will get it for each meal til it is gone. Discussion over and ignore him if you have to about THIS subject. Go into I prepared this for you and my expectations are that you are going to eat it. Be fair and give him a "proper" amount - do not set him up. And expect him to take at least one bite of EVERYTHING. Do not negotiate (I have a negotiator and they only get better - so nip it while you can). Stick to your guns I gave the same meal to my kids and they are much better eaters. He will not starve to death for missing one meal. My daughter was always good about trying foods and such and when she didn't get any food til what I originally gave it stopped at breakfast and only one time. My son,however, we had to repeat time and again and he makes the gag face (Drink your water it will help - you make a mess you will clean it up!) It took about 5 times with son (and he would miss breakfast time and finally eat it for lunch and sister would really try and coax him.) He does eat now and sometimes it is only one bite (or whatever set amount is) he may not eat it willingly, but does eat.

My father said when he was young, your plate was removed with everyone else's (this is for slow eaters) and you did not eat til the next meal. It worked as he remembered it. I do not do this but probably should.

One thing is for sure, as a human, he won't starve himself. I think you are on the right track with offering his dinner when he wants to eat again later. If you are concerned about him getting his nutrients, I can recommend a high quality dietary supplement (vitamin) formulated for kids that he will love. It's isotonic (the body recognizes it as a body fluid) so he can drink it and the taste is good. My son takes it and I am a distributor. I actually provide these products to health care professionals so that their patients can take them!

S.

We have a hard time with my son as well (he's 3). We do allow snacks during the day, but only healthy snacks (apples, yogurt, carrots, etc). He barely eats at dinner but doesn't seem hungry either. Most of the time, my husband and I make him eat 3 bites of the main dish, 3 bites of his veggies and finish his milk and then he can be done. He never complains of being hungry later, so we don't push it. I do sympathize. It's hard to know what to do, with experts now saying that the "clean your plate" philosophy teaches kids to eat when they aren't really hungry, but when they don't eat you wonder if they are getting enough nutrition. I did read a tip from a magazine that said studies show if you put more on the kid's plate, they'll end up eating more, but that just seems like a bigger waste to me.
Good luck and hang in there!

Glad it worked out! I just wanted to mention a book I am reading right now- "Negotiation Generation- Take back your parental authority without punishment" by Lynne Reeves Griffin, Rn, MEd. The common theme I saw in your post was you are done negotiating & that's exactly what this book says to do; Stop talking & act! Good luck!

My daughter had some of the same issues. She's an eater, and she's smart. My husband and I use dinner time as family conversation time. We now have a few routines that help my daughter:
1) While we are eating, we play "Top That" to discuss our days. One person says something fun/good that happened to them, and then the next person has to "Top That" with something good that happened to them. While we are listening to each other, we need to be eating quietly.
2) Once my daughter has eaten a 'good' dinner (which we establish at the beginning of the meal), she may politely ask to "be excused". However, when she's excused, she has to play by herself without interrupting our conversation.

It took some training, but now dinner is very enjoyable, and many nights she'll even ask for seconds:)

Good Luck!

Sounds to me like you are doing everything right... except for the negotiating. If you and your child are negotating.. it's because you are BOTH doing it. Stop. When he tries to re-negotiate something the first time say "Stop. I told you what will happen." The second time say "Stop". Even if he doesn't understand the "stop" instruction the first time... within a few nights he'll realize that you are not going to bend... AND you are not going to argue with him. Smart kids can be VERY persistant, so stick with it.. you'll see you'll succeed!

Best of luck. My son is the same way and get's me on these things all the time. Yikes!

This is something we are doing now, also! I will tell you, I have gotten over the negotiating phase! I don't anymore! I won't let him up from the table until we are done eating, but I don't argue with him about eating, either. I've told him, if you don't eat now, don't ask for snacks later. And I have stopped offering him his uneaten dinner, also! There are plenty of nights that I am sure he is hungry when he goes to bed, but he is so stubborn, he leaves his plate there. It's more relaxing for me...although now I find I am having to force others to leave him alone as well. He has an older sister, and he'll see her with her dessert and know that he can't have one. I know he would enjoy whatever it is she is having, but he won't even ask at this point. He knows the rules! And part of eating dinner is trying the new things or taking a few bites of things he may not like. It's getting better...and part of that is because I know he is hungry...but we still go through the same routine some nights. He's figuring it out though. And he eats a big enough breakfast and healthy enough lunch that I'm not worried that he isn't getting enough. I also won't cater meals, he'll learn to eat what we are eating! Good luck...I know it is tough, but I give you credit for working on it now instead of just giving in to him when that would be so much easier...for now!

For one you are being way too stricked and if i was your kid I would proably not eat at all. I am suprised you get him to eat anything. Kids do need a variety but they also need to know if they don't like somethng its not going to be forced on them either. Kids will repell on those who force them to do things they don't want to do. Instead of you catering to him on what he wants to eat you doing the same with negotiating with him if you eat something you don't liek I will let you have what you do. Its a conterdictory. Your child is 4. From age 2 and so on there tastes change all the time one day they will like chicken the next mac and chees. You need to be more open to letting him have what he would like. Its different if you cool up something. If you cook stew and he doesn't like it. You could say if you take a bit and you don't like it we will see but daddy and I would really like you to eat what i make. Or set like if he doesn't want it he doesn't get to pick what he eats you don't eat the stew than when I am done you can have a pbj but until dad and I are done eating you need to sit and talk with us. Do things like that he still gets what he want but than you get to sit like afamily and you food soen't get cold. Good luck but if you keep going like you are I am afraid he is going to becaome very picky eater.

It is all about control, and your son wants control at the dinner table. Best thing to do is put the healthy dinner in front of him, and do not look at him. Do not negotiate! You and your husband should have a discussion about anything except food, and when you are done, get up. If he has not eaten anything, oh well. He will be hungry for the next meal. Children never starve themselves, and he will eventually learn that dinner time is just that. I know it sounds rough, but he is enjoying the attention right now.

Sounds a bit like my 4 year old (come Monday) Elijah. He's very picky and doesn't want to try new things; I swear, it's like pulling teeth. My son's doctor told me to offer him a tiny amount of what I made for dinner (No more than five bites of each item) if he refuses to try it, he get set against the front door or the closet wall that we can see him at and make sure he isn't playing and his food goes in a container and stuck in the fridge. If he gets hungry later on, he gets a piece of fruit (usually a banana) and some water and that's it. It sounds mean, and cruel, but when people aren't bringing in as much money as they were twenty years ago, the kids need to learn to eat some of what they're given earlier. Good luck!

Glad to hear that everything worked, I was going to state to stick to your gut feelings on this issue. We have a 2 yr old and she was doing the same thing. We decided to do the same thing you did and it worked out just the same.

If he is not eating a "large enough" portion at dinner... He's not hungry. :-)
I have found that my 3 tend to eat like horses for breakfast, like puppies for lunch, and like a mouse for dinner...

I gave up negotiating a long time ago... BUT here are the rules at my house.
#1. You can't say you don't like something until you try it... EVERY TIME its in front of you. Home made food changes in taste and tastes change over time...

#2. If your not hungry you don't have to eat... But you can't get up until the rest of the family is done eating. That means sitting reletively still in your chair... Not climbing around like a monkey.

#3. There is no snacking after dinner. If you "get" hungry with in an hour of dinner (which is usually bed time by then) drink a couple sips of water and eat more dinner next time. (make sure they arn't sucking down a full cup of liquid or the bed will be wet by 4 am..)

Most of the time the adults are trying to judge how much a child should eat based on adult portions. Kids will let you know if they need more or less...

Just make sure that they get lots of healthy food in the morning and after noon and let the kid choose what he does for night.

Congrats on your new one... (I'm due with my 4th around the same time) Mom to mom... Set the rules now and stick to them. It will make life much easier when you have 2...

I think you mentioned he eats a balanced breakfast and lunch and that you dont have him snacking throughout the day. Maybe he just is not as hungry at dinner (in fact dinner is supposed to be our lightest meal). I would let him eat as much as he wants and then let him leave the table. Later, if he is hungry, give him a healthy snack (example-a banana) or the remainder of his dinner. Most kids know what they need to eat calorie wise, etc. and it is well meaning adults who feel the child needs to eat more.

Hello B., Been there done that!! My oldest is about to turn 28, she was so head strong that I was at my wits end when at 3 she learned that peeing her pants in public was a great way to get under my skin. Ok, having said that, there are many of the same mistakes that I made that are causing your problem to snowball. Negotiating is attention for bad behavior. Your son is getting undivided attention, so there is no reason for him to want to change, this is the #1 thing that all children are motivated by. They crave attention, bad or good, doesn't matter to them as long as they get it. Giving him choices is excellent, but only if done correctly. This means that once the choices are given, that in itself is what will reward or punish him. So setting timers takes the power away from him, and places it back onto you, after the choice has been given to allow him to feel in control. It is counter productive. Example #1: He is given the choice of eating or not eating. No other attention should be given after that. If he chooses not to eat, the punishment is he goes hungry until the next meal. If he complains about being hungry, say "It was your choice not to eat." and say nothing more. Do not give him any attention at all regarding his hunger, simply act as if nothing has happened. As my child's doctor said, he never saw a child self starve themselves. Your son will eat sooner or later. Even if he holds out for days, his hunger will be the determining factor that makes him choose to eat. So the only attention he has received is his hunger. Example #2: He acts up at the table and wants to leave. Give him the choice of sitting quietly at the table, even if he doesn't eat, or sitting in time out in an area that he will get no attention, like another room. When he chooses to sit at the table, include him in the conversation and give him lots of positive attention(reward the good behavior). Eating is not the issue, so don't bring it up. If he chooses to sit elsewhere then he is in timeout, so no attention should be given at all. His desire for attention will cause him to make good decisions. Remember, his hunger should be the only attention for not eating. Example #3, Dessert, in very small proportions, should be a standard for all meals. Again, it should not be talked about, simply if he eats he gets it, if he doesn't eat, then no dessert. NO negotiating. The book that I loved was by Kevin Leman, called "Making Children Mind, Without Losing Yours". It talks about this kind of choice making. Letting your child be the boss of himself, and causing his own fate in life. An excellent lesson to be learned at any age is self control. My oldest daughter is now a chemist with an excellent job, and a parent of a strong willed child herself. When you and your husband stop being part of the power struggle, they will cease to exist and make life fun again. It will also help you to deal with the teen years with ease when the power struggles are much worst then they are now. Feel free to keep in contact with me if I can be of any help.

Hi Brandy. My son is also very strong willed, what has worked for us is positive reinforcement. If he eats his dinner or even takes a certain amount of bites of each food (within a reasonable amount of time), you can reward him. The reward is up to you. It can be something small like sticker, small desert, etc. I have a sticker chart that I use, I started with 1 behavior that I wanted him to work on, and then once he mastered that, I added another. So when he gets 10 stickers (you may want to start with 3 or so since it's only dinner right now), I will do something special with him or let him do something special that he doesn't normally get to do, like watch a movie, play on computer, play a board game with him. You can figure out what "reward" is the best for you. I hope this helps, good luck, I know how you feel.