Difficult Neighbor - Exeter,NH

I think the problem is the parents. I would try speaking with the mother and explain to her (not in front of the boy) why the kids don't want to play with her son. It is her job to teach him how to make and keep friends.

You allowed a mother to intimidate you so her son could have his own way. The mother is fully aware that this little boy has issues with the others, why else would she stand there and say nothing to you. It was your yard, you have a right to say nicely, "The boys are doing something different right now, maybe Max can come back tommorrow to play." You say you don't want to offend anyone, but allowing that mom to bring her child back to YOUR yard is not respecting yourself or the mother instinct that you are feeling about this boy.Neither is this mom respecting you. I personally have caught a young boy , in my back yard peeing in the trees, and I told the little boy until he can respect my house and things he could not come back and play. I set the ground rules for his behavior at MY house. He now respects me and tells me he loves me...maybe something not given at home. So don't be afraid to instill you rules upon this boy if he is in your yard, or playing with your child.

I try to teach my children not to form "clubs" for the purpose of excluding other children. This seems to be a common practice on the playground and leads to hurt feelings every time. That being said, I also understand having a child at the house whose behavior is not something you would like your children exposed to.
We have a neighbor that demonstrates poor behavior - lying, talking about sex, eating candy non-stop and just generally a bad influence. She comes from a dysfunctional family life and at first I really tried to be helpful to her. She started to take advantage of our kindness and was there all day everyday. I was feeding her lunch and dinner. But the behaviors didn't change. I started to become more strict and enforcing rules and setting limits. Eventually she stopped coming over altogether and told my daughter it was because I was mean. We are much happier as a family without her around and my daughter had become disinterested in playing with her as well so it worked out. I still feel bad for her and I know the reason she stopped coming was because she is so used to being able to run free without structure. I guess my advice is to enforce limits and rules and if he doesn't follow them he will be sent home (this should be equal for all the friends who come over).

I agree what the other posters have said about being honest with the mom and the boy.

A reason why the boy might act this way is perhaps he is not treated with respect at home and that's the way he deals with the world. Maybe he is acting the same way people do towrds him. Perhaps he needs alittle tlc and modeling of appropriate behavior with kindness.

While it's not ok to have to *make* your son put up with his behavior, perhaps the boy will learn to be kind if he is shown kindness and acceptable ways to handle things.

I would suggest having a one on one playdate with the child at your house with you nearby. Let your son get to know him for who he is, and the boy might let his quard down and model the same behavior your son is showing. Then advance to having him join the group.

You could also talk about respect to him and perhaps intercede if there's a problem one on one and explain how this is not really respectful to_______, or this isn't respectful to our property. And what can we do to change this? Talk together and problem solve.

If he is shown respect, he will know there IS a way to live joyfully and peacefully in the world, and YOU and your family could be the ones that changes his life for the better.

~M.
www.anestinnature.com
natural childcare/gentle preschool

I agree that something needs to be said to the mother to address his behaviors. Does she feel welcome to join you? Was she texting and on the phone because she didn't feel welcome or because she wasn't interested? Try to build up a relationship with her and invite her to watch the kids with you, then you can calmly deal with some of the behaviors while she is there so she can see what is expected. The three strike idea is a good one.

However, I also have to add that allowing the children to exclude him is not right either. What are you teaching your children by saying it is ok to tell one member of a group to leave so you can do something without him? The other children should have been told that they could wait to do their nature activity until a time that only the members of the club were present. (Is this a formal club like 4H or just something put together to exclude this other child as well?). I know it is really hard to feel responsible for the behavior of someone else's child, but please recognize that it is not the child's fault. Excluding him and making him feel bad is only going to make the situation worse. He needs to be taught how to play in a group just like the other children need to be taught how to handle a situation like this.

You need to set the rules of behavior in your house/yard. He should not take toys without asking, and bullying/shoving should not be tolerated. I would gathr all of the kids together and say to ALL of them what's allowed and what's not. In our house, we never allowed toy guns or war play, for example. Tell this boy he is welcome anytime if he follows the house rules (such as asking if he may enjoy some toys and which ones), and recognize that you have an obligation to explain these rules, not assume that he intuitively understands them. You will help him.

Kids need to learn how to handle bullies - to walk away, to say "I don't like when you do that and I'm not going to stay here and take it." They also need to learn to report bullying.

That say, if they played nicely for an hour, why in the world is it okay for them to say, "Our group is going to play something else and you are no longer invited - go home."? Of course his mother came to observe - she probably couldn't believe it (figured it was rude kids excluding her son, not realizing a parent was participating and endorsing it) and was protecting her son just as you try to protect yours. You cannot teach your child to expect/demand good manners and cooperation if you do not require it yourself when it's in your yard.

It might have been helpful/wise to befriend the mother and engage her in conversation. You might have learned more about her child. For example, is there a reason he has social difficulties or communication difficulties? Is there a learning disability, or something like Asperger's? Has he been hurt before? You can't ask outright but you can share info as a way to get to know each other.

Befriending him and welcoming him will help everyone in the long run.

Good luck.

Hi J.,
This is a tough one. I think a lot of us feel this way about one of our children's peers, whether it be a neighbor or a classmate, teamate and so on...
I'm going to give my honest thoughts on this so please do not take offense. I don't think that it was the most mature decision to send the child home and condone leaving another child out. I know that your child gets along well with the other children and also can behave himself, but it still is not right to teach him that leaving another child out is ok...under any circumstances. At this age level these kinds of issues should be discussed between parents before the children are even brought into it. I know that you said the child's mom sat there and text messaged and one of the other posts on here said that you let her manipulate you, but I don't agree with that at all. My guess is that she feels like the odd mom out. You were there with another one of the moms who you get along with and who happens to be one of the other "well behaved kids" mom. This mom was probably told by her son that you were mean to him and told him to go home because they were playing in their own club. I know that you worded it much differently, but you have to take into consideration how a young child would describe the situation to his mom. She probably didn't know what happened and just wanted to go over and see if you mentioned anything without starting a confrontation over nothing.
My two oldest boys are really well behaved. My sons kindergarten teacher told me that if she has kids she hopes they are just like my kids. I am not bragging by any means because they can be total TERRORS at home. My 3-year old started preschool this year and was too immature and I ended up pulling him from the program. He wasn't interested in playing in the group and never really developed any kinds of relationships. It is really tough when your child doesn't adjust as well as his peers. Some people on here stated that he probably doesn't get the attention at home, but that isn't neccesarily true. Some kids are just more of a challenge than others. If your child is well adjusted and doesn't ever get into trouble then you don't know how it feels to be that mom. Be thankful. It is easy to be judgmental about a situation when you have not been there yourself. Reach out to this mom. You may find that she is really a good person who is just having a tough time disciplining her little boy. Maybe her little boy may be hyperactive or have something going on that is out of his or his mom's control. Please try to see things from a different view. Good luck!

I think that the best policy is honesty. You need to tell him and his mother that he will no longer be allowed to play with your son (you can't speak for anyone else), in your yard if he is going to continue that particular behavior. Don't think that his mother is going to take it well, because that will not be the case. Send him home EVERY TIME, explaining to him why you are doing it, and continue to do that until he gets it. His feelings will be hurt initially, but if you tell him that he will be allowed to stay as long as he plays by the rules, eventually he will learn.

The best thing to do is speak with his mother in private about what you've seen going on.

Hello J. L. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with difficult family. I know how rough that can be. I agree with the other mom's that you need to be honest. Also it sounds like the little guy isn't getting any attention at home so he is acting out. So I would simply state with him that when he is at your house he has to play by your rules or he can't play. I think he is just looking for direction and someone to be there for him. I recently ran into this myself in one situation. Where the children would do anything climb on things that weren't meant to be climbed on and the mother left me in charge. And he started doing some of the stuff that he did with his mom and I simply told him that "it doesn't work with me - and asked him if he needed a time out" how quickly the little guy changed his tune. I think that if you explain to the parent that if they are going to leave their child in your care that he has to play by your rules or he can't play at all. And than explain that to him. Treat him like one of your children and if she is there not doing anything be a role model and step up and chat with them. and just think you aren't hurting him feeling think of it as you are helping him become a better person. Someone has to help this little guy the parents don't act enganged with him. Thanks for taking the time to spend time with him. And remember that if the child's feelings are hurt he will learn from it. That is what I would do. Hope this helps.
S.

Your right, this is a tough situation. I think the Mom needs to be told. She needs to know what her son is up to. My son tends to portray a much more innnocent story to me than what happened. The neighbor and I have to get together when things get out of hand and help them deal with their growing and changing emotions. Even boys go through these weird times.
I completely suggest coming in a non-aggressive way and make sure NO fingers are pointed. I would maybe invite a few of the Moms who understand the situation over with the Mom for tea or something. When kids get brought up, which they always do, slowly let it fall into the conversation.
Hope all works out.

Sorry but if he is that much of a problem don't include him. We have one mom up that the street that doesn't even know us and her kids aren't that great bossy, rude especially the older one and when we are outside their mom feels its okay for them to be in our yard because she is too lazy to play outside w/ her own kids and I cannot stand it! We are moving at the end of the month and I can't wait. I think its really rude for him to be playing w/ your stuff when you aren't around if it were me I'd lock everything up I wouldn't want to chance some other kid breaking my children's belongings. Its also not good that this child has no problem hurting other children but will tattle on the other kids in your area. To me it sounds like a bored child that is used to getting what he wants at home and his mom would rather you supervise him outside then play outside w/ him herself she is taking advantage of you plain and simple tell the mom the next time you have an issue with her son's behavior in your yard he is no longer welcome to come over.

Maybe you should try to get to know the mother and his family better. All kids learn differently maybe he needs more understanding. And no talking behind his back. It is a good idea for at least one parent to be present when kids are playing outside anyways. there needs to be adult supervision so when one of the children does do something unpredictable it can be addressed and then you talk with the child and explain why we do not do it. maybe try helping the little boy form his own group. just maybe God wants you to mentor the little boy and to help redirect him. by all means keep praying for him and his family.

Hi,
If I were you, I would have a conversation with the boys mother. Be honest with her. Let her know that the other children would be perfectly happy to let him join their playgroup if he were to change some of his behaviors. Be polite and let her know that in no way do you or the children want him to feel left out but at the same time the boy needs to understand that his rudeness will not be tolerated nor should it be tolerated. Hopefully she will be understanding and care enough about her son to talk to him and make him understand that if he wants to be accepted by his peers, he must also learn to get along with them. If you're really feeling brave, you could even talk to the boy himself. Be gentle, get down on one knee so that you are at eye level with him (that way he won't feel intimidated) and just nicely explain that he needs to stop doing these behaviors if he wants to be included in the kids activities. He may not even realize that this is why they don't include him in everything and hopefully your gentle persuasion will clue him in and give him a wake up call. Talk to the children after and let them know you've talked to him and to give him a "trial run" and see if the discussion had any positive effect on him. Lastly, be up front with him and let him know that should he start to exhibit any of the offending behaviors, he will not be allowed to join in on that particular day. I think a little gently nudging from you or his parents may be just what he needs. If he is talked to out of love and genuine concern for his well being, it should make him want to change his negative ways when he sees the positive response it will bring him from his peers. I hope this helps. You may even want to show the mother some of the helpful responses you get to your question. It shows that you care enough to want to handle the situation in the best way possible and that right there is in my opinion, a truly caring way to approach the situation. E-mail me sometime if you get a chance and let me know how it goes.---S. P. (____@____.com) Good Luck!!! :)

I would simply tell the boy's mother that he is acting in an inappropriate manner. When he is in your yard he needs to behave and if he doesn't send him home and tell his mother he cannot return untill he can bahave. Give him a three strike scenario. 1 warning, 2 warning, 3 go home!

Hi J.,
I appreciate your difficult situation. I think Diane has given good advice, which I'll just expand on now:

1. Set the rules for when the kids are at your house. If anyone comes round and behaves inappropriately (walking round like the house is his when it's not, taking toys from an open garage, for example), go ahead and call him/her on it. That's your right and depending on what it is, your responsibility. Next time all the kids are at your house playing, gather them and talk with them, "Lately I've seen some things happening that isn't [nice, safe, respectful], and we're not going to allow anymore, like..." And list the bahaviours. If anyone tattle-tales, keep it to the point. "I'm not talking about who right now, I'm talking about what. BUT, when anyone does these things anymore, I am going to ask you to stop and if you keep it up, you're going to have to leave. We have rules for safety and cooperation and if you break them, you can't play here." Then of course, stick to it.

2. Talk to your kids about bullying. It's true that most bullies deep down feel marginalized, misunderstood, and maybe have problems at home. You can try to help by befriending but sometimes that doesn't change the situation, and then you need to take a different approach. Like walking away, telling a grownup. Diane makes a good point that kids need these tools for school as well as home situations.

3. Try to stay out of things and let the kids work things out for the most part. That's another skill they need to develop. It's not that healthy for you to resolve all the little arguments that come up while an afternoon of playing - there are so many!; save your intervention for the real big ones.

4. It's probably not a bad idea to try befriending the mother, since you are neighbours and the situation isn't likely to change soon.

Good luck!

Honestly, I think parents worry way too much about hurting a child's feelings, especially a child who seems to have little regard to others' feelings.

The goal of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood, for real life. If this child is rude and does not play well with others, then the other children are correct in not including him.

You are the adult in charge of your yard. If this kid is not paying nicely, then I would have no problem in sending him home. The rule in your home/yard is that you need to play nicely. If you can't be nice then you cannot be here.

Whether the child's parent was there or not should have no impact on the rules in your home/yard. If that child can't follow the rules, he should go home and I would have no problem explaining this to his parent.

I think if the adult sets the boundaries then the children won't have to (which they are doing by excluding him from the club.

T. Y
SAHM of almost 4 - 8 yrs, 7 yrs and 16 months and one on the way

Being a kid is very tough. How would you feel if you were playing with a bunch of kids, and then they sent you home, while the others went off to play together. Now, you're alone. I think it is mean. I think you have to look at the situation. The kids are at your house, so I would say your rules apply. I would set rules for my house, my yard. I would not single out this child if I didn't have to. If you want to play here, you must follow my rules, everyone must follow my rules. I would explain to this child how he is not being nice to his friends, and I would try to make him understand how saying this or doing this is mean or hurtful, try to make him understand how his actions are against the rules, but I would do it in a loving way.

as long as the child is playing nice then I say let him stay and yes even tell your child that rule :) That should be the rule at YOUR house as long as you are playing nice you may stay and play otherwise you must go home. This in a way is discipline.. You ar eteaching all th ekids to play nice/fair or they will not play with the other kids . This would meanif the kids are all playimng well except your child you makwe you rchild go inside your house. Consistantcy matters. Ihave had this rule now for 18 years :) my kids range in age from 18 to almost 3. It works :) ANd my neighbors ALL use the same rule :)

Hi J.,
So sorry you are in this situation. When I get into this kind of delema I try to put myself in the other persons shoes. It sounds like the mother is not freindly with the rest of the neighborhood, how would you feel if your son was acting up and everything you tried to fix the problem didn't work,he was excluded from playing with the other kids, and all the neighbors didn't like you or your kid. Maybe you can try to reach out to her & help her. Maybe she needs a group of friends( neighbors) to help her get her kid under control. We have a young neighborhood with lots of kids & the moms try to get together once a month to chat, vent(about kids & husbands)and help each other. We also try to do a family get together twice a year. I think if it is approuched in a friendly manor you may be able to make the situation better. It won't be easy. Good luck. M.

My first question would be.. Have you spoken to his mother? If not, I would most definitely do that. Since you have seen her and have a general idea how she is you can plan how to adress the issue. Explain to his mother how he is with your child and the other children. If this doesn't work my next suggestion would be to try working with the little boy yourself. Maybe invite him over and inside someday to play with your son and draw or something at the table where you can monitor everything and respond fast. Every time your son says please and thank you or is really polite and nice to the boy say something really nice to him. Even go to the extreme of clapping and saying good job with the manners and ruffle his hair or something. If you do this enough I think the other boy will catch on eventually. Positive reinforcement works wonders for my kids. My 17 1/2 month old baby girl gets excited when I do it. She picks up stuff on the floor now just so we will clap for her and get excited and say "Good girl" or "Good job" etc. She has even started picking stuff up or doing something and clapping for herself and saying "Good girl". I have found that positive reinforcement works so much better then anything else. Sometimes I do still have to put her in a time out of sorts, but not very often.
It sounds to me like this little boy's mother is not very attentative to him and has not taught him very good manners. That or he has not been around many other children until moving to your neighborhood. On our family vacation about a month ago we went to visit relatives in Virginia and my daughter and my cousin's daughter got to play together. Stevie is an only child and a couple months older then my Sage. When they first saw each other it was more like staying with me and her Grammie (my aunt who brought her over). Neither of them were interested in going near the other. Once Stevie realized she could play with Sage they were okay for a few minutes, but then Stevie started grabbing Sage's Dora doll and screamed when it was taken from her. Stevie then started going after Sage by hitting her in the stomach every time she was allowed to near Sage.
I really think this is because Stevie has not had the chance to be around any other kids her age or young children at all. She has not been taught to share because of this and responds negatively when made to share.
I hope this helps.
D. R.

Hi J.,
This is tough, but you have every right to set the rules of behavior in your house/yard. I would be strict with that child and discipline him as if he were your own whenever he visits. He will either start behaving and become a better child that the other kids will want to have around - or he won't want to be at your house. Get the other parents to do the same at their houses. Make it clear to him when he arrives that everyone is to obey your rules, and anyone who does not is asked to go home. Also make it clear to him that he needs to ask if it is all right to come over to play - we all have personal plans that sometime do not involve the whole neighborhood - no offense, but sometimes the plans do not allow for his participation even if it seems you are just out in your yard playing. He must ask.
My sister had a neighborhood child like this. Parents were horrible. One day the neighbor sent her son over to play at my sister's house - her kids weren't even home. When she sent him back home, the mother had the nerve to call up and blast my sister for sending him home. That was the final straw, my sister started setting rules. In the end, one day when they were older, the entire neighborhood of kids ganged up and straightened out this bad kid themselves - had a big group "intervention" - and he never acted badly again.
I wouldn't waste my breath on the parents. They raised this kid - they don't know any better themselves.
You shouldn't have to feel annoyed or guilty in your own home - take charge!

Wow, talk about a difficult situation.
I think you do need to put yourself in the other child's shoes first. Imagine how it would feel if all the other moms on your street hung out and did cool things and gave you the cold shoulder when you wanted to hang out.
He may be acting rude and bossy to hide the fact that he is really hurt about not being accepted.

That being said, you have to do what's best for YOUR son. I think you have to let him and the mom know that the rules of your home apply to him while he's there, ie. no pushing or shoving. Let him know that your policy is one warning then he'll have to leave if he can't follow the rules. As for playing in your yard when you are not around, let him know that you love to have him when you're outside but if you are not around it's just not safe for him to be out there. If he got hurt no one could help him ect.
I think a talk with his mom is in order. Obviously she feels the tension if she just stands off to the side texting when her kid is in your yard. Make sure the conversation stays calm and focuses on every ones safety. It could either help make her understand that she needs to set a few more limits for her son so that he is more easily accepted or she'll be so put off that she won't let him play anymore.
Good Luck!

I would speak to his mom when you're not angry. It seems like this child knows he's not included in the neighborhood "group" and perhaps part of his acting out is because of that. I'm not giving excuses for all his behaviors, but its easy to label kids good and bad or treat them like they should act as adults in situations when they are children, after all. You're statement "I don't want to alienate him, but I also don't really want him to play with my son." is telling in that, of course that will alienate and hurt him. Sarcasm with kids either isn't understood by them, or if it is, really hurts. Be honest with yourself and his mom and if you feel it's right that you don't want to include him, move beyond the guilt.

Okay I am sorry but I do think that is a little harsh to basicly say to this kid go home now the other kids are going to play and you cannot, that is MEAN. Regardless that he is what he is. If he is being bossy and rude to the other boys then you should speak with him, or his mother and explain that if he would like to stay and play then he needs to be respectful, and get along with the other children. If they were all playing and getting along as you said you were watching, then he should have been incuded. Then if he started to disrupt the situation then you may handle it and say maybe you need to go home untill you can learn to be nice ect... But to just not include him b/c the boys felt like it that is not fair. All I know is that kids always have situations like this whether it be in school or on the playground. My feel and the way I will raise my child is to include everyone or no one. If someone is acting mean and not being nice then I would encourage my daughter to tell me or an adult and handle that situation. All I am saying is that if the kids were all playing and he was not misbehaving then do you honestly think its nice to say we are all going to play in our private thing and you cannot come. That would hurt anyones's feelings. Just my thought.