D.B.
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Hi Mamas, I'm not really asking a question, but I need a little help decompressing from a really bad visit with my father-in-law last weekend.
I've never been comfortable around him. It's like some bad chemical reaction starts in my body and mind as soon as he's in the same room with me and I want to flee. I find him repellent-- he smells bad, he constantly drinks coffee, his eyes are kind of buggy, and his personal hygiene in the bathroom is really bad. The stress is compounded by the fact that we live in a small (850 square ft) house and we are a family of 4 with 2 small children. When he visits, he sleeps on the sofa and then he's just THERE all day long. He rarely goes out to do anything else, visit friends, other family, etc.. I feel like he's leering at me or watching and judging all day long. Did I mention he's really negative and judgmental? He visits 2-3 times a year and thinks he has to tell us what we're doing wrong to raise our children.
My strategy for getting through this time was to not think about it much before he got here. Just to go with the flow and know that he'd soon go home. Didn't work. I tried so hard to just relax, clean up the coffee grounds again, tidy up the sofa, chit chat and make meals but he still got under my skin so bad I ended up having a big painful fight with my husband the night before he left. He's gone now but I still feel yucky and want to disinfect everything!
On the positive side, my husband had a pretty good time and got some time to relax and hang out with his Dad, which I'm glad for. And my children seemed to have a pretty good time too.
Anyone else have a difficult in-law situation? It's just amazing to me that my handsome, loving, balanced, friendly, positive husband was raised by this man. Astounding.
Really, this is where the rubber meets the road in marriage.
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Are you a stay at home mom? If so, hubby needs to take some time off work so it is not just you and him (and your kids) in the house all day. Also, maybe go and do some activities all together during the day. Take him and the kids to the park, etc.
Maybe suggest a hotel and offer to pay for it (or a portion) if you can afford it.
When hubby IS home, take some time for yourself. Run errands or go shopping.
I would also see about cutting one of the visits to your home and having hubby fly up to see dad instead.
I think you just need to keep your eye on the prize--husband is happy to be with him and so are your kids.
See--if he can raise a decent man, maybe he does have a clue! LOL amazing isn't it? I think the same thing when I look at my in-laws!
sounds a lot like my FIL. From the time I met him....to the day he died....& even now, the thought of him repulses me. This is an honest opinion, & one I will carry to my grave.
He showered 1-2 times each month. He sexually hit on his daughters' girlfriends during their teen years. He smoked to the day he died from lung cancer & emphysema. He had to have his wife hold his hand while trying to "use" the bathroom. He was jealous & insecure to the point that he could not stand even a grandchild sitting on his wife's lap. He could not cope with the daily life of living with his family....so he moved full-time to their lake home. His wife was left at home with 6 of the 8 kids at home, worked 2 jobs, & still couldn't make ends meet. The 3 oldest kids supported the family with their paychecks, even after they moved out.
I had zero respect for him. Any man who deliberately antagonizes children, on purpose, does not deserve my respect. Our visits were limited. My DH vistied solo as much as his job allowed it. I didn't care if he was with them, as long as I could stay home. (we always used my allergy to cig smoke as the reason! But my MIL knew the truth, because I was not the only one in the family to feel this way....even her own daughters had issues with him.)
I think in your case, simply limit your time with him. Keep far away & busy. Rejoice that your kids enjoy his visits....& that it makes your husband happy. & as for your comment about "disinfecting".....you made me smile: I had to sanitize the house after each of my FIL's visits....1-2 showers each month, just doesn't cut it for me! Peace.
Do you have a relationship with him at all? If so, I would counter his negative comments. At a certain time of day, tell him that you need to tidy up your living room and need him to "move around". I can't help you with the grossness.
