Difficult Family Situation

Flowers and agreement w/ the moms who said don't punish the kids. She's leaving them out of whatever beef she has with her brother, and so should you. Good luck!

Why would she even know about the loan? And why would she be mad about it?

Anyhoo, I agree - don't put the kids in the middle of this "adult" argument. Give them their presents, let them know their Aunt sent them and let it go.

Wow! Don't penalize your kids and absolutely do not drag your children into a conflict that the adults are having! That would be WAY wrong of you!

My advice is to be gracious and kind to your SIL, send her a thank you note and be done with it. Do not get in the middle of a sibling squabble that has nothing to do with you. SIL is obviously trying to do the right thing by not included you and the kids in her disagreement with HER brother...so why don't you follow her lead and (great) example and do the same! I understand your 'were a family unit' thinking but do not agree with it...they are family too and will more than likely mend their relationship and get over what ever it is that they (SIL) are upset over and then where would you be if you get in the middle of it? Do not interfere and but in...just stay out of it all together!

~Unnecessary drama, ICK!

The kids should not be punished - PERIOD - due to family drama. Maybe your husband should ask his Mother why his sister is acting this way towards him. Maybe your husband is not telling you the whole truth too...

The present was bought for your children, who tho is your husband's children too - they should not be punished for adult matters. Give them the present.

Send thank you notes for the gifts you receive. I would also periodically send a gift back to them as appreciation. An email or a brief note in the mail asking if there is a problem is ok to do. If she doesn't address the question you'll need to let it go. Its her issue and in her court after you've made the attempt.

Do you have a mobile phone? Go out and call her yourself or write her a letter asking what the problem is. It could be something left over from when they were growing up.

Remember to tell her how much to miss her and like her and point out some good things between the two of you.

I think it is just a TAD on the odd side, that you don't actually know what it is that she is angry with your husband about. You seem to be making assumptions about the problem.... based upon what? What makes you think it is THAT? And why would she only be mad at him for that instead of both of you AND your parents?

Something doesn't add up here. Have you tried asking her what the issue is?

Just continue to ignore it, send thank you notes for gifts, include her in your holiday card list, etc.. What's between siblings isn't your business. By being cordial to you and continuing to do what she would normally do to/for you and your kids, she's trying to take the high road and keep this just about the problem between her and her brother. You and your husband and your kids are not the same people. It's perfectly OK for her to have a problem with him yet try to maintain some semblance of a normal relationship with the rest of your family.

I have to say that returning the gift or giving it away is passive aggressive, not trying to keep everyone else out of what is only the business of her and her brother.

My brother and I get into fights, I am the talker he is the one who stews until he is ready to talk, I am glad he doesn't drag the rest of the family into it. We are sibs, it is our issues.

Well if she's happy and fine with you couldn't you just ask her what her beef is w/her brother? It may be something totally stupid that can easily be fixed, you never know. I wouldn't give the present away, she took the time to find you something she thought you'd like and paid the fees to have it shipped to you. Accept it with grace and just stay on her good side so hopefully she'll admit what the problem is.

Whatever the issue is between her and your husband, don't get involved. They are brother and sister, time to time they may not speak and other time they will be right there for each other... Please don't send back her gifts or birthday wishes, that too me sound very immature (sorry to say). She's not trying to evolved anyone else with whatever her problem is with your husband... again, they are siblings... She loves her nieces/nephews and obviously you, so don't make things worse... One day she'll talk to your husband and the two of them will forgive and let go... You posted that they have had issues like this in the past, and they will have them again, just don't cut her off, if she stop, that's on her, but I feel you shouldn't cut her off.

I would probably not escalate the situation by returning gifts. And I would leave this between the two of them.
Being "mad" when the other person doesn't know WHY is passive-aggressive, for sure!
Have you ever asked her what the issue is?
Why would she be mad at him if your family borrowed and are paying back a loan from your in-laws? Although, generally, that's never a good idea--to borrow from family--but why does SHE care?

What does donating the present or returning it have to do with your husband's issue with your sister in law? Did you write her if she hangs up and ask her? Did you ask your inlaws (his parents)? Anything else happen?
I am currently not speaking to my sister. For who knows what reason she didn't go to my son's wedding. She is a police officer, gets lots of time off and had sufficient amount of time to take off and didn't./ That is not a possible rerun. In my case my brother in law is trying to make peace because I think he understands what kind of person my sister is. And in the meantime she is using her profession as an excuse to not come which was not the case...she simply didn't want to, and has had fights all over the place with my family and caused a lot of problems with brothers and sisters. Perhaps there was some other issue involved here. For instance did she possibly ask for a loan first? And got denied and then you guys got one. Was there a major event in her life or her family's that you did not attend? People can be very confused and it wouldn't hurt to let her know upfront how confused you are. Write her a letter and send it certified mail so she cannot say she never got it.

maybe try to ask her why's she mad at your husband.

I thought InMy30'sAlready stated what I was thinking much better than I could have!! =0)

My brother and sister just went through something like this because my sister and her boyfriend were milking my parents for all they had. They have since moved out on their own and my brother and the family are back to good. Childish, yes. But he had a point. Adults should be able to get their own money or not buy things they can't afford. Sorry. That being said, don't punish the kids relationship with their aunt. If she is still involved with them, let her be. And it's not your battle. Your husband needs to figure out a way to get through to her if he wants a relationship with her, but I would not put the kids in the middle of a sibling battle.

My sil is doing this too, over a teeny tiny disagreement, She now claims her whole family abused her and hasn't spoken to anyone in a year, even though everyone has tried countless times to be nice and try to work things out.

First I would try and talk to her about it and nicely ask what the issue is and how you all can work it out. if she still is a butt after that, it's out of your hands. With people like that, all you can do is ignore them until they decide to act like adults. As for the gifts, I'd probably let the kids keep theirs, but I would get rid of anything she sent me. I wouldn't be able to stomach it looking at it.

It's your husband's role, as the brother, to talk to her. It's not your role to get in between them but your reaction can do a lot to keep the channels of communication open or to shut them down forever.

He needs to try to get through to her. She hangs up on him, and yeah, that's infuriating, but he has to be the bigger person and try to get through to her. There's e-mail and snail mail, if he really wants to know what's going on with her. They don't generally get along and frankly they don't have to -- we can have siblings we aren't pals with, I know from experience. But this big a rift deserves some effort to understand what's happening.

I would keep the gifts and be certain to write very prompt and nice thank-you notes. In fact, drop her a card today -- just a "hi there, thinking of you card" and you don't have to write much in it or mention him; just say hello and "the kids are sure enjoying the X that you sent them for (birthday, Christmas, whatever the most recent one was)." Unless you personally can't stand her for some other reason, why not keep your channel of communication with her open? You say that she "can't refuse to speak to the Dad/ husband and expect to have a relationship with the kids," but if you cut her off from the kids and yourself, you are cutting off what may be the only connection she has with your family. Cutting her off could possibly deny your kids years in the future when she may be a good aunt to them -- if your husband can get through to her and at least find out what's going on.

I would not get in between her and your husband but since this is clearly affecting you too, I'd tell him: Please try to find out what's wrong. Or years could go by and he could find out, after way too many not-speaking lost years, that there was some simple, small thing he could have addressed with her, or some misunderstanding on her part he could have cleared up, and instead it was left to fester. I know that "life's too short" sounds like a trite and silly thing to say but actually it's true: Life IS too short to not at least ask a sibling what the problem is. Yeah, it's a pain to have people in your life who do the silent treatment but unless she does this regularly and often...shouldn't he be wondering what's going on with her, rather than making assumptions that it's about a loan or anything else?