Difference in Opinion Between Mom and Dadd

A Pastor at my church as two kids...boy and a girl. Both look like punk rockers including black and white striped clothes with hot pink and chains. Both dye their hair every other month and wear makeup. Both outstanding and very full charactered kids. Their dad just loves on them and supports them in their choise of expression at the same time being firm if they were to step out of line.

Although it's important that your son have some ability to show some independance in a healthy way...like green hair gel, it's more important that the both of you stand as one. He is testing his independance in this small way now but if he knows you won't agree with his dad, he will eventually use this to his advantage because that's just what kids do.

When I worked for the youth department, I saw the clean trimmed kids being nasty to new kids while the punk rock kids were kind and inviting. They didn't learn to be nice by the way they dressed, they learned it by the example their parents set on them. Build the inside, stand as one, agree on a compromise because although I don't see the big deal in his hair being tinted, you both should meet in the middle. Maybe if he's good in class for a month, he can have that way. Something along that lines so it's not just a request and get type of thing. Make him earn the right to booger colored hair. That may suit both your points of view...good kid = freedom of expression.

It is always tough when parents do not live together and/or do not get along very well. I don't need to tell you that. What may work is to sit down with him, alone, and talk different things out. Make it a twice yearly or annual thing. See where each parent stands as it pertains to your son and see where both of you can compromise on an issue. Also, make it a point to call him with anything that he may view as major. If he's just being a jerk, he'll tell you to stop calling every day and stop complaining about stupid little things. If he genuinely wants to be involved with everything, he will appreciate the phone call for his opinion. You two do not have to get along, do not have to get back together, or spend time with each other. However, you do have a son and both should make decisions. If you start the behavior, he will continue with it. Even if there are 3 calls between the two of you each day and all three responses are "I don't care either way" then eventually you two will come to an understanding that you each can take care of your son by yourself w/o the need to call the other parent. You are doing great...the old adage "boys are stupid" applies for a long time. He'll come around. Even Grandpas are just "antique little boys." LOL

Take care,
M.

I feel for you!!
My daughter's father and I were never married, and I know how hard it can be to keep the parental relationship balanced and healthy.
Sometimes talking with the father helps, but sometimes it just opens up a can of worms if either parent is not willing to compromise, or tries to control the other parent.
I have very little influence over what happens when my daughter is with her father. There are so many parenting issues where her dad and I disagree and cannot find common ground.
Sometimes her father and I can discuss issues calmly and share our perspectives, but frequently the conversation becomes heated. When I feel this happening, I will not argue with her father, because it will only make the situation worse.
I've found that the best course of action on most day-to-day issues is to simply parent my daughter to the best of my ability using my best judgement, because I know in my heart that I really am a good mother. I give her the best guidance I can, set fair boundaries, and encourage and support her with all the love I have. I praise her individuality and strength, and let her know I treasure the wonderful, challenging person she is, and am excited to learn about the person she is choosing to become.
I never talk badly about her father when my daughter is around. Occasionally I will vent to my sisters or mother, but never my child. I will, however, be very clear with my daughter about what kind of behavior is fair and what is manipulative or abusive, so that she can see it for herself in her dad or in others.
She knows that her dad and I disagree, and that we have very different parenting styles. She knows that she can get away with certain things with one parent and not the other. These are the hardest challenges for both the parents.
But she has also learned that there are rules and consequences that apply regardless of which parent she is with.

Hopefully this helps a little; I am still trying to learn for myself what works best. Parenting is often done by trial and error anyway!!

Good luck to you and your son.

P.S. My daughter first dyed her hair purple when she was in 5th grade; she earned the right by getting good grades!!

This is an apples and oranges situation. Please, it's green hair gel. It seems like every baby boy out there I see, they have a mohawk. There must be something below the surface with your son's dad. You say he is traditional, old fashioned, etc.? But you guys aren't married? Are you together? He sounds like a hypocrite to me. You did nothing wrong by putting a temporary color on your kid's head. As long as you set a good example for your child and teach him and be up front with him about the things of this world, he will be fine. Because now what he sees and hears and from now on will shape the way he deals with life as an adult. Right now he is exploring, and kids are so creative, they should be allowed to flourish in their creativity, to a degree, meaning as long as it isn't too over the top or harmful in any way.

I also went through the same thing with my oldest daughter. Her father and I were never married, and I got pregnant very young and very soon after meeting him. It is always going to be give and take. My daughter is almost 11 now, and it has taken years for my ex to become mature enough to deal with. He is highly religious person, and i am not as religious as him. He gets bent out of shape when my daughter has other commitments on Sundays and cant go to church with him. Now mind you this is a church where they drive over an hour one way to go.. the kids are not allowed inside the church till they are 12, and so my daughter is carted off on a bus to a museum while her dad is in church. It took me a long time to accept that there are things to argue about in life, and there are things that you are ultimately going to disagree on and are not going to be able to change your minds about.. but it is not worth arguing about the small stuff. Just try as best as you can to get along together. My daughter has never really known her dad and I as being together (we broke up when she was 1 year old) but about 3 years ago, she turned to me one day to say "It really is nice to see Daddy getting along with you, Momma!"
I know I was rambling, but I hope you find light in this somewhere.. good luck!