My husband and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to diciplining our two year old daughter. I am a stay at home mom so I am the primary parent and have been since our daughter was born. My husband works 50-60 hours a week and for the most part is a weekend dad. Through trial and error I have found a way to dicipline our daughter that works for both of us. The problem is that since my husband is not home durring day to day activities he does not see how our schedule and coping skills go through out the week. Once the weekend comes I think he feels like he needs to make up for the time lost durring the week and tries to do everything himself including dicipline. My husband has very little patience not only with our daughter but with everything. He is the type of person who wants to see results imeediately and gets very agitated when that does not happen. So as a result he goes from zero to ten when it comes to dicipline. He also feels that because I don't do this that I don't dicipline our daughter. IT is very frustrating because my daughter is getting confused and tends to act out MORE when my husband is home. I don't know how to get him on board with our already working connection without making him feel left out. You know how men can be...they think they know everything and refuse to try anything new even if it works. I am so frustrated at this point and I can't keep having this argument. Why can't he just trust me . I always have to remind him that our daughter is TWO not TEN and we need to both remember that. Last weekend he got my daughter so upset that she started hyperventalating and he got mad a t me because I tried to calm her down. He wanted to know why she only comes to me and not him. PLEASE HELP!!!
I had a conversation with my husband...well more like an argument because that is the only way we comunicate, and he claims that he wants to have harsher punishments because he wants our daughter to know that daddy means business. I am pretty sure that is how he was brought up and he still fears his dad. So I kind of get it but I don't really agree with it. It turns into good cop bad cop. I also think that he kind of heard where I was coming from and I noticed a little difference in him but he still takes out his frustrations out on her. If he had a really bad day i kind of try to keep her away from him so she doesn't get the wrath of his anger for something minor. I know that there is no perfect way to raise a child and I think sometimes I get caught up in all the media and how communities tell you how to raise your children and I forget that parenting is a learning process and as long as we keep them safe and love them the rest will just come.
It sounds like he would greatly benefit form reading expert discipline advice from Dr. Sears here:
http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
Dr. Sears even has a whole segment directly for fathers in this type of situation here:
http://askdrsears.com/html/10/T110100.asp#T110300
and tips on handling anger while disciplining:
http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp
My husband had similar trouble understanding how and why I do things a certain way. Not that my way is the only way or always the right way, but consistency is just so important. One thing that really helped us was for me to talk to him about our day. Just before we go to sleep, when we're lying in bed, I'll tell me something that happened that day, what our so (or both) did, what I thought led up to it, how I handled it, how they responded, etc. It really seem to help him gain a better perspective on everything, and it was not at all confrontational. We didn't talk about something he was dealing with right in the moment or something he was doing wrong. We talked about something that was done. Also, I talked to him about good and bad things. Sometimes I told him about an ongoing problem and asked him how he would handle it or what advise he might have for me. It showed him that I'm really trying to think it all through and that I value his opinion and his role in the boys' lives.
When you're not with children as often as we are, sometimes it's difficult to distinguish what things are age appropriate. He might be remembering something from his own childhood and not even realize that his expectations are a few years too soon.
Just keep talking and keep showing that his opinion counts! He needs to know that he is a valued person in your daughter's life.
Could you privately talk to your husband about this? I think it's important to not set up a dynamic where you are swooping in to "save" her from Mean Daddy. Maybe you could ask your husband, for just ONE weekend, to back off and just kind of observe the two of you in action. Perhaps if he sees the routine you have worked out, and the methods of discipline that you have come to support, and ALSO sees that the home is running much more smoothly when you do it YOUR way, he'll try to work with you and not against you. Also, try to listen to your husband without getting upset. Maybe he has some ideas worth trying, too. When you have a two-year old, you could very well believe you have the magic bullet to discipline, but what works at two years old may not work at three. Open communication will be key between you and your husband and it is imperative that you present a united front.
I really like Jennifer and Sara's suggestions of talking to him about this challenge at a more relaxed time and doing some modeling for him in regard to "how it works for you".
Men are greatly influenced by how they remember being parented and how they remember their childhoods. That said, it's often the case that these memories are from their later, more capable parts of life.
I'd also encourage you to find some more neutral, written resources for him regarding your daughter's age-appropriate abilities and limitations. Often, parents (of both genders) may expect a child to be more capable of understanding directions and being obedient. Your daughter is still a toddler, still working through learning how to be her own person with relatively few social skills and very little ability to self-regulate. (I led a 20 month-to-30 month toddler group for 2.5 years at a daycare, so I know whereof I speak!) Children at this age are starting to 'act' and 'look' more like little kids and less like babies, but they are still very much babies inside, in some ways. If he is able to adjust his expectations to what's more reasonable, that can help a lot.
One book in this vein I would suggest is "The Science of Parenting" by Margot Sunderland. While the philosophy might be softer than your husband would prefer, this easy-to-read book is based on human brain development (inarguable), starting at infancy, and showcases the child's developing brain, their emerging abilities and our amazing opportunity to make a positive impact. Without you saying it, he will come to see that his anger and upset can be very frightening to your daughter and understand "how" she is processing emotions at this age.
I told my husband that he was going to have to fit into our schedule and not the other way around. Sorry, she who is home the most gets to make the rules. You know what works the best because you are with her the most. Talk with him when he is not upset and explain what you are doing. He might be more willing to listen.
Yes, I completely understand and live this test!:) You are both a team -- write down examples of your preferred methods and when or if it works, examples of his preferred methods and when or if it works... Maybe suggest a compromise that supports each other?
Printing out articles from "experts", and just talking -- what does he think is "too little discipline" and its results versus what you think is "too much discipline" and its results. What results do you both want and how do you get them so you are not undermining each other while parenting?
IT'S TOUGH AND GOOD LUCK!!!:)
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He needs to stop acting like a child. Why does she not go to him? Because you are the primary parent! When she is older she will be able to relate to him more but right now she is still very young and will naturally feel more connected to the primary parent. Often this can make the dads feel left out, so encourage any time they can spend together, and when he starts getting mad see if you can head him off before he explodes. And keep talking to him and see if you can get him to understand and see the world through his small child's eyes.
Hard to know without actually knowing how her behavior is. Things can be nipped quickly, so the fact that he's dealing with it may frustrate him.
My husband and I agreed on our parenting style after seeing how kids of friends and family turned out. We started our family late. It was APPARENT to us what worked and what didn't. So we both agree with nipping things firmly right up front with no drama.
My husband is gone 8-10 months out of the year, its' usually me home with 3 under 5, but I always let him get right in there when he gets home and be the boss. He jumps right in if they're not listening to me, and I do the same for him. No good cop bad cop. I don't want the kids to defer to me as the softy. They need the SAME message from both parents, and he doesn't have to make up for lost time when he's home since I'm the strict one when he's gone.
If your connection is working, your husband wouldn't have bad behavior to deal with. BUT, he should NEVER be working from a place of being agitated and impatient. You BOTH need a methodical, calm, firm system that is the SAME. This makes it much easier on kids to learn quickly. If you're standing your ground, and he's standing his, and both people are different, and one isn't home very much, there will be chaos and your husband will feel powerless. Try to get on the same page with him. Be honest with yourself if the behavior isn't what it should be, and ask him to compromise with you. It may help to find a book you can both agree on. If it's a discipline one, or a positive parenting one, whatever, as long as you are BOTH OK with the theory and outcome. If a book is making his blood boil because it obviously won't produce good behavior, you can't insist on using it. Our favorite is Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. It's not an anti discipline book (tons of those out there), and is practical and real and in alignment with how we were raised, and we were expected to behave well as kids, and did. He may like it if you approve. If the rules are all just "coming from you" he can accuse you of not knowing what you are doing, especially if he sees behavior snowballing. So get a book as back up.
The best way to prevent anger and excessive discipline is to have effective discipline and good behavior.
Ugh. I've been told I'm "too strict" but I'm the O. getting all of the "to do list" stuff done with him every day. (Hygiene, clothe/shoes/backpack/chores, etc.) Dad gets the fun stuff! It's easy to be the parent when all you do is fun time!
I really think you need to discuss this with him very calmly, maybe write it down--letter, email, etc and explain what system you use, that it IS working and that more positive progress will be made if you both are on the same page.
Good luck.
It sounds like your husband is trying, but that the stress of his job and the lost time with his family is getting him to a breaking point. It's hard, because Dad's need to be able to do things on their own, and in their own way, and this is particularly hard for us Mommy's who KNOW our way works better. With my husband, I let him do it on his own, but if I see him struggling I will just suggest a different approach. All that in mind, discipline is an issue that you both NEED to be on the same page about. As you said, your daughter is getting confused and acting out more, and that's not helping anything. When is your next pediatrician appt? Can you schedule it for a time that Dad can go too? Have him sit in and bring up the topic of discipline with the doctor, ask for advice. If he's not going to listen to you about it, I would hope he would trust the doctor's advice. Also, in the meantime, try talking to him calmly about it one evening after your daughter is in bed. When he's not in the middle of being frustrated with her behavior. Make a plan together of how to handle her when she acts up. Good luck!
Here's my 2 Cents. It really doesn't matter who is home the most, because this child came from both of you. Your hubby needs a role in caring for your daughter as well, so she understands that she has 2 parents. I don't know exactly how your dicipline styles differ, since you didn't post them. You both really need to sit down and talk about how to raise your daughter together as a family. Communication without blame/yelling is a must. You hubby needs to find ways he can play with your daughter, so she can bond with him, even if it's just cuddling while watching a movie or playing ball outside. Keep in mind that children have a tendancy to run to thier moms more than their dads, no matter who spends the most time with them. I do know in our house I was a "time-out" mom and hubby was a "throw away toys" dad. We sat down and talked, then came up with a compromise. We agreed that throwing toys out only winds up in no more to throw out, so we grounded our son from playing with certain toys for a certain time period depending on what he did wrong. The punishment has to fit the crime. I also had my hubby play basketball or ride a bike with our son every night while I did the dishes, this way our son got a chance to bond with Daddy as well. Taking care of a child should never be one sided when there is a couple involved.
