Did I Say the Right Thing?

Absolutely fine- when he's older you can explain more. You were truthful in the sense that a biological father and a "dad" are not the same thing!

No, I think you should have told him the truth. You have a daddy but you have not seen him in a long time. He would get that too.

I think you totally did the right thing. You were age appropriate, you didn't lie, and you didn't elaborate anything that would give him reason to worry or fear in his little heart that some day you would leave him, abandon him, not love him or otherwise be estranged similarly, thus maintaining his need for security. I think you were absolutely appropriate and your answer was about as perfect as you could get given the circumstances.

I think you did a wonderful job of explaining your situation and when the time is right for you and your son to have a deeper and more elaborate discussion on the topic....you can and will. At four, they can understand the simple logic of how things are but don't have the life experience emotionally or socially to really understand how complicated things can be. I think you did an amazing job and you also told the truth. Good job, mom. More explanation of this can come as your son matures and begins to figure out that the world around him is not made of "poppies and roses" all the time but that doesn't mean that people, just like yourself, can't rise above things that are wrong or hurtful and make a wonderful life for themselves on their own. I think it was cute of your son to try to "assign" you a new dad. This clearly shows me how thoughtful and loving your son is and how much he cares about you. It's a child's way of saying.....I will give you something that I have because I love it so much. You're a good mom....keep talking to your son and sharing with him throughout his life. I have done the same with my two girls and they are some of the best teenagers I know!

I think it was alright. It's about what a 4 yr old can understand right now. When he's older you can tell him your Dad chose not to be involved in your life.

I think you said the right thing. You didn't lie. And you didn't make up some outrageous story. You kept it appropriately simple for a 4 yr old to understand.

It was a good way to handle a concept that's too hard for a 4 yr old.

And I disagree with other posts saying you should have explained it more. I don't think a 4 yr old needs to think that "Daddies go away". Yes, this may happen in some families, but no need to share that with your child, yet.

I think your answer was fine. You did a good job. When he is older you can go into more depth if you want to.

M

Sounds good for now. ;) You can explain more when hes older.

at 4 i think that kind of simplicity is just fine.
khairete
S.

I think it's absolutely fine. I have a very good friend who is in the same predicament. Her daughter thinks her mommies dad is dead. There is really no way to explain things beyond that to a child that young.

i think you should say my dad is so and so but you don't know him. if he ask's why just say i we don't see him any more. R.

since hes 4 i think that is a good answer once he gets older you can explain more...

Although my dad has passed, he was a raging alcoholic and was less than Ward Clever, if you know what I mean. When my son started asking about him, I told him the truth: that he wasn't a very nice person or a very good daddy and I was blessed to have my SF as my "dad" for most of my life.

I would have said my Daddy was dead... personally. But what you said sounded good too!! He's too young to try and explain what your Father is - so don't worry about it until he's in the teen years.

My dad was estranged from our family after he deserted us and married his younger wife and adopted her kids. AFter many, many years we were able to develop a civil relationship with him. He had passed away before my kids were born. BUT - they didn't see any childhood pictures with a dad in our family, and they did ask at some point. I didn't hide the fact that he made a lot of mistakes and that he acted very selfishly and moved away one day. I also explained that when he was an old man he was very lonely becuase he had broken all of his important relationships in his life - and that it was a very sad way to get old. I explained that almost all dads do NOT do this kind of thing. I explained that there are some kids who don't have a dad beucase their dad was like this. Then I left it at that. AS the years went by they asked more questions - like when they realized a friend didn't have a dad, or when parents of friends got divorced, etc. I wanted them to know that normal people have all kinds of families, and can grow up with pain but get healed.

YOu know your own child best. As he gets older y ou'll have times when he'll learn about the man who could have been his grandfather. Who knows, maybe before your dad meets his maker he'll want to seek your forgiveness. He may not - but who knows. stranger things have happened.

Good luck mama - these things of our childhood and young-adulthood rear their ugly heads while we are trying to do life and raise our kids. ;o) and it's not easy trying to figure out how best to do this stuff. But it'll all be find as long as it's communicated with your love to your child.

Having been in a similar situation with my own father (who has since passed), I think I would have said, "my daddy is XXXX". If he asked, I'd say I don't see him anymore and leave it at that. At that age, there is little need to offere further explaination!

Good luck!

A relationship based on honesty would be better than one based on a lie. Wouldn't it have been just as easy or simple to just tell the age appropriate simplistic truth. You never know what the future holds but don't beat yourself up about the decision you made. It was your decision to make but I do believe your child can handle the truth but will try to figure out how this impacts him. All children want to know where they came from and who they belong to. It helps to frame who they are and who they will become.