Did I Make a Mistake by Havin a Tubal

Im 20 yrs old and I have thought about having mine tied after my second child(im not even pregnant yet)but i do have all these thoughts
im glad i found this topic,all of you are helpong me actually think about it
i mean i may not want kids for NOW but what about when my kids are older? Im sorry for what you are going thru,i really am

I can totally relate. I was married and had just had my third girl when I had my tubal. I had it because we could not afford anymore kids and my (now) ex-husband was too chicken to have a Vasectomy done. I went several years regretting the decision, not for me, but because my husband had convinced me that we must have a boy (we had two girls together). I, too, felt like my womanhood had been taken away and had been a stay-at-home mom for several years. After a ten year marriage, he left me and knocked up a younger woman, had the son he had always wanted and then married her. Life for him is no better than when he left me despite the fact that he filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

After I started focusing on me, and going back to school I started learning that I no longer wanted to have anymore kids. I learned that I didn't want no man to tell me ever again that I could or could not do something. I learned that I would be the one to control my life and that any man in it would have to be here because he wanted to be, and that I was the center point of his life, not me of him.

As for me, I went back to school, got an Associate and Bachelor degree in Computers (something he said I could never do). I find myself not nessessarily wanting to do that for a living (like I once thought I did), but proved to both him and myself that I could do. It didn't matter. I'm still unemployed by choice for now cause I have some issues to take care of before jumping into that pond of water but since I'm not working, I'm not successful in his eyes. He's a high school dropout and although it took me many years to realize his opinion doesn't matter. I'm in and have been in a long-term relationship (somewhat a common law marriage considering it isn't recognized here in Missouri). He has no biological kids and considers mine as his, but he came to the realization that he will never have biological kids. We are to the point that we are going to raise the kids I have and start living our lives for us.

If you ever need to talk, drop me an email at: ____@____.com.

K., I am so sorry for the way you are feeling you are still every bit a woman. If you would like to e-mail me personally my e-mail is ____@____.com I also had to stop having children and it was for medical reasons but I seriously can empathize with you. God Bless.

I am a sahm of 3 ages 13, 15, and 17

Isn't there a way to have that reversed? Thanks for the advice; I was going to have a tubal after my next one, but now I'm not so sure!

K., You are in no way less of a woman. The fact that you waited 4 years between the younger two is a very big indication of where you were when you decided to have the tubal.

I'm 36 and I've been pregnant 13 times since I was 17. Just because you have the capabilities doesn't mean you are actually going to be able to use it fully. Your body could change so much that you would miscarry as many as I did.

Had I been much younger when my youngest two were born, I would have considered the same thing. In fact the doctor I just stopped seeing was pushing for me to go ahead and have the TL despite my fertility issues and the fact that my husband has had a vastectomy. I think she saw it as an economic issue rather than a medical necessity.

My sister was very young when she had her TL. She was told that her tubes had reattatched and she should be on the pill just to be safe.

I would also stop and consider your economic health. Since the necessity of buying monthly or weekly contraceptives is no longer an issue you have a little extra for each of the children you do have, invest in their education or your own, start saving for the wedding or pseudo honeymoon, estate planning is also vital since you're living in a "marriage" that is losing it's legal validity as each state passes "Marriage" rulings. (the ban on gay marriage also generally annuls common law marriages as well)

There is much more to life than reproduction. I would seek counseling right now because this may have nothing to do with your TL but be part of post partum depression.

On Oct 31 I had my 3rd child and 4 weeks later I had a tubal. Although I really thought I was done I felt so sad afterwards that I couldn't have anymore no matter how bad I wanted to. I think it was just that I have no choice now. It still takes some getting used to but I think in the long run it is probably for the best. I understand how you feel and I hope you start to feel better about your decision soon.

Hi K.,
I can understand what you are saying, I was going to have my tubes tied after my 4th child but everybody got sick and the money had to go for co-pay's for the Dr. so now I am on the pill and my husband and I are double checking and rechecking to make sure I take my pill everyday. I have no desire to become pregnant again. I had a healthy pregnancy but my body hurt so bad carring this last one and I don't think I could do it again. But at the same time to get my tubes tied it means forever and at the same time of not wanting any more kids I don't know if I'm ready for the it will never happen again thought. I felt and feel the same way when I was going to have it done, that I felt like I was something less. So I came to this understanding with myself, I am the same person I always have been but just a little different. It's not like you have a big sign across your belly that says Hey everyone the baby factory is closed now and they frown and stuff. But in life in every instance you close one door and open another. So where you have closed the door to becoming a mother to a new person you have opened the door to keep raising your children. I had my first child at 16 yrs old I am now 4 kids later and 31 I can and I can't wait for my children to be older so my husband and I can be alone like we were 17 years ago, He is the father to all 4 of my kids.
I think you need to maybe write your feelings out on paper, when I was debating on whether or not to get mine tied I made a pros and cons sheet of why I should get it done. I had nothing on the I should'nt side and a bunch on the I should side.
What I'm about to say next, I don't go to church for my own personal reason's but I also don't think I have to be in a "church" to have a conversation with God so
I also looked at it this way I had 3 healthy kids, 2 boys and 1 girl, I had a talk with God, asked him PLEASE, I would like your help in having one more healthy pregnancy and child and if you could make it a girl that would be great. I feel like I have used all my favors from him and should not test the waters anymore so to speak. I think that since you did it for health reasons you should look at it as maybe somebody knows better than you of why you had your tubes tied. I also thought everyday while I was pregnant that there are women out there in the world that have to buy what is so easily able to happen for me and how much pain and sorrow I feel for them everyday. I also think I should'nt take anything for granted. My niece right now has been trying for 3 yrs now to get pregnant and nothing. I hope something I have said maybe has helped you in some way. W. mom of 4.

I also had a tubal when my son was born 7 years ago. even though there are days that I think about it, I am glad I had it done. I have two children of my own and my husband had two from a previous marriage. With four children under one roof I couldn't imagine having more!! The financial responsibility in itself is enough to say NO MORE! With prices these days of everything is awful. How would I put them all through school? Have decent clothes to wear? Food to eat? I'm not on welfare and never have been. We have been married for 13 years and my baby just turned 7 yesterday, and our oldest (husbands daughter) graduated from high school a few weeks ago. Now, if I had an infant to tend too, would she be going to college? I don't know.
What I'm trying to say is, look at the big picture of your life. Your children are still SO young, some of your problems may be the baby blues since your youngest is 6 months old. If you think a baby is expensive, wait until they get into school! The higher the grades they get to the more expensive they will get. You've got a lapful now, think about the attention you take away from each child with a new baby. Think of how much attention you give your new baby now vs. your 6 year old? Then your 6 year old vs. your 5 year old. Look at what you have now, not what you won't have again.

K.,
I know how you feel.I had a tubal myself and it was also because of health reasons.I have 3 children but my oldest was born right after high school and I think it makes it worse on me because of the age gap.My youngest is turning 2 in July and I feel like I am losing my last baby.I was only able to breast feed him for about 4 months and so I really miss that also.It bothers me to see new babies and it really bothers me to see them nursing.My husband and I have talked about adopting but it takes so much time and money!It also would not fulfill my desire to breast feed.I have started searching the internet today for answers.Maybe fostering would be an idea.Good luck and God Bless!

I had a tubal, the morning after my 3rd child was born. My reasons were multiple, including economic and physical. I felt much like you do now when my daughter was 3 years old and I started working from home. I thought "hey, I could handle another baby now." But the reasons were still there. And my husband and I just had to go back and revisit our reasons for that decision. We thought about adopting a child, but then we looked at our children and decided that we just needed to look toward the future and enjoy our children. And now our youngest is 11 years old and we are loving our life. We love the ages of our children and we are really enjoying the relationship we have with them.
Just take a look at your reasons, and if they can't be changed, just accept your life and find ways to enjoy it. You have a baby who needs you. Give yourself a couple of years to enjoy that child and then look at yourself and your situation again...
hope that helps.
R.
http://cowen.ownanewbusiness.com

K.,
If you made a responsible decision to have it done because of medical reasons then you should not have any regrets. I know that was one of the biggest decisions of your life. But it was a very right decision. Your feelings are so normal because the decision you made seems so final, but my advice to you is: Enjoy your children. You have a wonderful number of children. Don't feel like less of a woman. You were blessed with three children when some cannot have any. Enjoy them and dedicate your time to having fun with your children. Just think if you would not have made this responsible decision and had another one with your medical problems you might have ended up dying or permanently sick. Your children deserve a mother and by making this decison you have decided to live for them. You will probably always feel some doubt, especially when you look at newborns, but just know you are blessed already. If you live your life in regrets, then when do you enjoy your life? Don't be ashamed of your feelings though. Embrace them and then move past it. We all have to make a conscious decision everyday to be content with our lives. This is what you must do now. Just know that you are not alone. Take care and keep in touch.

Dear K.,

I can empathize with you right now. I am at a crossroads with a medical condition that requires me to have a tubal and MEA instead of a hysterectomy because I am almost 33 years old. I have only 2 children and the doctor says that if I ever want another child I need to do it now! I do not know if mentally I am ready to have another child since I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 2 year old right now. It would also be a financial strain paying for daycare. The idea of being infertile is scaring me because I feel it takes away a part of me being a woman, but I really have to consider my health. If being able to be pregnant is the only thing that defines me as a woman, then I really need to change my thinking. I envy you for your 3 children and for you taking care of yourself medically. I am sorry you feel regretful, but I feel that you are still a woman - no matter if you are fertile or not.

I had to have a hysterectomy very young (23 years old) due to sever problems with endometriosis that after 4 years nothing could fix. I understand where you are coming from. I think that even though you know you do not want anymore children, when it isn't possible anymore it is a whole diffferent feeling. You are right someday your's can be reversed, or there is always adoption in the future. I don't think you would have had the second thoughts if you had not had the tubal. I hope that this makes sense. I do have 3 children, and since my surgery have gotten divorced and remarried to a man who does not have any kids. So I know those feelings exactly. If you would like to contact me, please feel free to do so:
S. Stiver
____@____.com
yahoo IM: nascargirl20_2003