DH Won't Come to Visit HIS Family!

I'm sorry, I would love to help, but I don't understand all the annograms. Can you elaborate on a DH and what is a DD?

I know you have good intentions, but I am wondering if you should make this trip. Have your in-laws made any suggestions that they would like to see you and the baby? Are they friendly to you? Unless you have definite signs from them, I think you should call off the trip. There is something very strange about this situuation. Maybe your husband is not telling you everything. At any rate, I would not go unless he is willing to go with you and introduce you. Walking into an unfamiliar situation with a baby in tow is not a good iidea.

I'm guessing it isn't any great breakthrough that your dh isn't close with his family. My extended family is all very close and so it was shocking to me to learn that my dh had a grandmother living in Washington and he never talked about her. He had seen her once or twice in his life. The last time being when he was about 4. On Sunday I found out she passed away...2 years ago. No one told us, his family doesn't talk about it etc. I was no longer shocked. I know the dynamics of my dh's family. If I had wanted my dd to meet his grandmother he wouldn't have wanted to go. In fact he expressed that I NOT have our dd meet her. If she had never cared to be part of his life she didn't need to be part of his dd's either. Sometimes it is that people don't think about making time for family and other times it's honestly toxic people who could care less. I don't know your situation but I do hear loud and clear that you don't understand your husbands apathy to his family. Give him credit for knowing what his boundaries are. If you have the emotional energy to go great! Don't hold it against him that he isn't in a place to do so. Also, I would go without any expectations of how they will react. Have back up plans of fun places to go and be a tourist with your dd if they don't make an effort to see you. And speak lovingly about your dh to his family, they don't need to know why he isn't there from you, they can talk to him about it. I met my dh's parents by myself for the first time. They hadn't been extremely close for a while and my dh deployed before getting around to intorducing me (his fiance) I was hurt until I learned more about his family situation. I went to meet them with a sister of his. It was brave and scary and I made a promise to go without expectations, so while it was so different from my family, I was still pleased with the outcome because I wasn't expecting anything. DH's mom got out his wedding pictures from his first marriage to show me...and it was still a good visit. lol. Be compassionate to the difference in his family from what you would like it to be chances are his hurts are real and raw and he needs to protect himself right now. Help protect him by being supportive of his boundaries. It doesn't mean you should not go, but go with an understanding that it is for you and your daughter and it is okay for your dh not to be in a place to take that emotional burden on himself right now.

My only suggestion is that you find out from your husband why he does not want a relationship with his family. There HAS to be a reason. If he isn't ready to tell you his reasons then I would wait until you know the real reason he doesn't go around them. My husband's family is awesome and I am grateful they are in my life. I love my family but a lot of them are crazy. They love chaos, gossip, and there are a lot of drug users. I am completely different then the rest of MY family and I take my kids to see my family way less then they see my husband's family. I choose to sheild my kids from the crazy things that go on in my family. When I do take them to see my family I can leave and go visit other family and friends if things aren't going well. Some visits are completely without incidence but others are not. I just don't think you should take your daughter into a situation that you have no idea what you will be walking into. Maybe, if you want to meet these people you should go by yourself the first time and see firsthand if you really do want your daughter to meet them. It just sounds a little fishy to me that you would be willing to take your daughter around people that your own husband refuses to be around. Sorry if I am negative but it doesn't sound right to me.

I'm in a similar situation with my DH and his SIL. She has never invited us to come visit her and I would love to go. My DH thinks it's a waste of money since he doesn't think that there lifestyle is compatible with the way we raise our children. As a compromise we invited her to our home. It worked out great. I think we made some progress towards someday visiting them.
My suggestion would be to respect your husband and if it is so important to you to have them meet your daughter, then invite a few members of his family to visit you. This will be more emotionally stable for your daughter and if it ends up not going well they can stay at a hotel or leave early and you will not miss out on anything. If you still choose to go without your husband I think that you should plan to stay at a hotel and plan your own agenda not related to showing off your daughter. Then just invite them along. Personally for such an expense I would put more money into your business. If you really want to travel go see your grandma and grandpa again. I bet they'd love to see you.

Maniage,

I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing.

I would invite you to go with a positive attitude
and don't have any judgments based on your DH experiences.

This is a new moment for you and your daughter.

It has been my experience that as I approach people from a space of love that wonderful things happen.

I would love to hear how it goes.

With Joy, C.
Loving Connections LLC

What is DH and DD??? You can't control other people's actions or behaviors. You can only control your own. You are making an effort that will make YOU feel better. The outcome may be good and it may be disappointing. Prepare yourself for the worst and maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. If it doesn't turn out good --- at least you tried and you can live with that. I would focus on nurturing your nuclear family --- what YOU CAN control.

do as you planned unless you don't feel good about it. let your husband alone. when he's ready to try again, he will. you'll be ok, just carry a map. his family might find this approach (you alone) as a great sacrifice, and will be moved. or they might just not care. never know unless you try.

You are brave! You must be a very outgoing person. I commend you for making the effort. I agree that it is important for your daughter to meet her family, especially elderly great grandparents who she may only see this one time. My kids have a great grandmother (my husband's grandmother) who we don't see often, but we are going to see her this summer, because I want the same things for my kids that you want for your daughter--family connections. I think you are doing something wonderful, and your husband should go with--it's his family! How weird that he is willing to just let you go alone when he could make it much more comfortable. Obviously, you can't MAKE him go, but does he understand how important it is to you? Can you make a bargain with him?--maybe in exchange for him accompanying you on this trip, you will go somewhere he wants to go later in the summer? If he is anything like my husband, I am sure there is some place he is dying to go that you have been avoiding, like the Gun Museum or something. Good luck, and I think you should go no matter what. Take lots of pictures of Teya with her relatives, since you might not see them again for a while.

I've been in the same place as your husband. I've also been in the same place as the family. First, I was in the place of the family. It's not that we didn't care, it's that we had this ignorant idea that with so many of us in one location, it seemed like it was better, easier for the out of town family to come visit. It never dawned on me or anyone else that we were perceived as not caring. Then, I was the one who became the out of town family member. Some family came to visit, but most did not. It wasn't until then that I understood the thinking (it was my brother and his family) that my brother might have had until I started having that sort of thinking myself. Luckily for me, I'd been on the other side so I realized that that was probably what was happening...still, my feelings were always hurt a bit. I decided I had to make the first move, be honest about my feelings and be honest about my desire for anyone to come visit...and be honest about the harsh financial side of it all because with 4 and then 5 of us, it became very expensive and not realistic. I started by showing that when any sort of time and finances came available, that I would visit with my family. Just this past winter, after 7 years of no visits from several family members, the most unlikely called and asked if they could come. I was absolutely delighted! There is another side of it, also. My sister can't stand that we don't live in my hometown...I don't like it either, but that's life. When I visit, she likes to express all the things I'm missing out on by not living there. It hurts me, but I know she's doing this because she is hurting. She has visited once, even though her children are grown and she is financially well-off. I know her well enough that it is like she is slapping me for hurting her. I'm not saying it is right, but I understand and so I do not make it a war...I just visit if I can when I can and try to make the best of the time with her. I think it's great, the effort you are willing to make for your children. I always desired to know my extended family better as a child.

NO real suggestions but encouragement. If you are strong enough to start your own business, you are certainly strong enough to negotiate this. I am so proud of you for trying. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but you made the effort and you won't have any regrets later. And who knows, it may open up the whole family!!!

God bless.

My first thought is this, your daughter won't miss what she doesn't have. Its important to you, yes, but Teya won't care.

The other thought is, your DH is distant both emotionally and physically from his family for a reason. Frankly, I'd explore with him what created the distance for him without pleading, being judgmental, or any way pressuring/negative. I certainly wouldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do.

My husband was removed from his family and after being with them and him I totally understand why. Its not that their bad people, they just never made good decisions.

Why not spend your time and energy cultivating relationships that have a hope of blossoming into caring friendships near home? You husband is the one that needs to decide if and when a relationship needs to be forged with his family meanwhile you can be creating a circle of friends here that will most likely end up closer than family.

Good Luck.

I think it's great that you are willing to make an effort. My only suggestions are this - it sounds like you have lowered your expectations. I think that is good - keep them low & anything that makes it a more pleasant trip will be a nice surprise. Also, maybe talk to his family before you go and have some plans set before you go - how often you will see them & where. The more you have planned out before you get there, the less awkward it will be. If you get there & both sides don't know what the other's expectations are, it is bound to make things worse. Keep an open mind & do your best. The rest is out of your control - so try not to stress about it. Good luck!

I don't know what a DH or a DD is but here goes...
You are right to pursue the inlaws whether they are interested or not. It is a good, kind thing to do. Do you have their contact numbers? If not, get them and give them a call. Make plans ahead of time. There must be fun things to do there. First ask what to do and then invite them along. If they are not interested in going to places with you there, just tell them you will be coming by their homes at such and such a time to visit. If they hem and haw about it saying they are busy or something, that might be the time to non-confrontationally ask if there is a problem. Is there so big family fight that you do not know about? Are they agoraphobic? What's going on? If everyone out and out refuses to let you into their homes or agress to meet you before you arrive, then you might seriously consider making alternate plans and go someplace fun with your hubby. I doubt it would come to that though. Some people are very conservative ettiquette wise and maybe feel like they need a written invitation before seeing someone. Others may have been burnt by family members in the past and have set up very strong boundaries. I'd really like to know how it turns out. Good luck!!

Hi Manige,
Family is important, however, your daughter is only 9 months old. She will have no awareness of who these people are and no memory of this visit. This is all about the adults. So, maybe step back and ask yourself if this is really worth all of the stress it is causing you and your husband right now.
It really is your husband's decision if he wants to have a relationship with any of these people. Not all families are close and that is okay for a lot of people.
I hope you can find some peace in this situation,
B.

Manige,
You are VERY nice, and absolutely caring great person!!!
Now, just in case be ready that you might not be expected there, or welcomed.
People are different. If Your husband is pretty much holding back from then, there should be some reason, may you'll never know what, but just remember: people are different, and if you make this effort, it is more for YOU and might not be important for them. I still agree with you: if you feel like going, then go, and whatever the result, you will know that you did ALL what you could, to start some warmer communication.
Example: my parents lived in the same town, when my first son was born. They NEVER came to see him. My second son was born 2 years later. they DID NOT come. Thus, grandpa and grandma saw their grandsons when they were 3 and 1 years old. I was not any disobedient daughter, my mom just did not want to be as old as being grandma, and my dad was all in his science research, they were not into being grandparents. I was 21 when my first son was born. Now, my dad is 72, and he is interested in his children's and grand children's life, even proud of them, but we live half a world apart by now...
so, things happen, Manige,
but you do what is right, and feel proud, and by no means: be happy, because YOU have a great family, and this matters the most!

My dh is the same with his family. They live 5 hours from here and he sees/ talks to them once a year. In the early years of our relationship I reached out to his sister for support. Now we are really close. You might call her and share your concern. She can give you the support you need. I would also take along a nice journal. For those weird quite times... tell them you are starting a journal for your dd about her family. You can ask for stories of your dh and his family when he was growing up. Add in pictures. Try not to go with preconceived ideas... you might be surprised at the connections you make.

Even if you dont find his family imprtant. and he doesnt find them importandt....they are important to your dughter, because weather you like it or not they are family. Yes you might feel awkward but get over yourself, they are family.
Even if his family seems to be uncaring, maybe you can help teach them want family means to you. You must try to welcome them into you r heart because we all need family.

Um, I'll try to be delicate here, but don't go! This is between your husband and his family. If you get in the middle of it you are venturing into territory that you may later regret. My advice is to stay home. If by some chance he and his family ever mend fences, then you'll be in good standing on both sides. You are his WIFE ... the single most important person in his world. I know that you think your daughter will melt hearts and be the catalyst for peace and how could anyone not fall in love with her. Look at it from his point of view. He can't believe his family not only has no interest in him, but no interest in you and his daughter ... his two favorite people. My M-in-Law has not seen my children for 11 years (or her son I might add). Her choice. My girls have "adopted" his aunt and uncle as their grandparents on his side (much to her distress) and they feel loved and cherished by them. Stay home, please. Your family is more important.
L.