My husband throughout the day wont call, text me (he could just doesnt) and when he gets home we have dinner then he spends the rest of the evening with my sons 4 and 6 playing video games etc...On his days off he's usually getting stuff done around the house. I did mention it to him and have tried to make movie night or drinks but get no effort from him. Who really wants to beg someone to spend time with them. What do I do?
Another vote for "The Five Love Languages". I think both of you need to read it so you learn to understand each other's needs.
Do you ever sit down and play video games with him with the kids?
Your 3 questions have all been complaining about your husband. Your husband is busy working, so he won't call or text you. He sits down and has dinner with the family, lots of husbands don't do that. And he plays with your kids...awesome! And then...on his days OFF, he's busy doing stuff around the house. LOTS of women have husbands that do NONE of this. What do you mean you "get no effort from him?" What does he SAY if you tell him you got a sitter and you are going to a movie or out to eat? I would sit down and have an honest talk with him but he sounds like he is doing a LOT for the family. I understand you need some attention too and you need to feel close as a couple. I get that, but don't give him too hard of a time, lots of women are on here complaining that their husbands won't work, play with the kids, help around the house or do anything. So count your blessings and see if he can give you some attention...maybe do something HE would like to do? Good luck!!!
Check out the book "the 5 love languages". Sometimes men and women really do "speak a different language".
You know, I'm feeling kinda neglected myself. So until I read your post I was thinking OMG WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF *HE* MADE THE THING HAPPEN FOR ONCE?!
But everyone else is right. He's doing all the things a good husband ought to (in his mind) and he is likely waiting for YOU to show appreciation for that by making something happen between the two of you, sigh.
Still, he can't read your mind, nor you his. Just bring it up, kindly, gently, whatever way he responds best to. That you hope BOTH of you could put in a little more effort to be a couple, to spend some time DIRECTLY on each other. Because you MISS him, you miss that.
And I think I'll do the same. JUST THIS ONE LAST TIME!!
;)
If I didn't plan plus make the arrangements for all of our date nights or tell my husband, "You're taking me out tonight." we wouldn't go out at all. We always enjoy ourselves when we do go out, so that's not the issue. My husband just isn't that guy. And it's not begging to plan stuff to do together.
what i hear you doing is complaining about your husband being a good dad and provider. yikes.
what i "hear" you saying is that you feel lonely/neglected. you say you try to make movie nights and get no effort from him. does that mean he doesn't want to go? he blows off plans you make? or do you expect him to make the reservations and come up with the ideas? sorry but that just probably won't happen. make plans. get a sitter. tell him we have X plans for X day. he may not make all the effort but i bet he will be glad to show up and participate.
you're really not giving us a lot of detail but from where i stand, with a little compromise and maturity you'll be just fine.
It is hard to give advice without knowing a little more about the dynamics of your relationship and also your hubby's personality. What was he like before you married him? Was he a recluse/loner and liked to be alone, or did he always want to hang out and do stuff?
What do you do to show him you care/are attentive? Do you text and he simply won't reciprocate? That would frustrate me too!
But I would definitely look into "5 love languages" - I know it sounds silly, but it really does work. Just google it and figure out what his love language is, and yours, and see how they can be compatible.
What would he do if you simply got a sitter and scheduled dinner reservations? What about dressing up in a sexy outfit and making sure the kids aren't home when he gets home? You say you get no effort from him, but what about if you did all of the effort for planning and he just got to enjoy you? My hubby is a planner, but maybe yours isn't. That doesn't mean all of the work should be on you all of the time, but in the beginning, take those first steps.
What is probably happening is that your husband is in the typical "working dad, husband, tired" rut. It happens to all of us. We get tired, stressed, in the monotony of daily life - and then we get crabby and neglectful of our loved ones. He may just need some help out of that rut.
I hope this helps some! I promise you can find a solution - just dig deeper, try not to make assumptions, and find out what REALLY makes him tick. Victoria's Secret usually gets my man's attention. Or homemade meatballs.
=)
Tell your husband you feel neglected and want a boyfriend. Tell him that you hope it will be him. Hopefully, he will get the hint.
I've learned that sometimes I have to join the party and have fun with my son and daughter and hubby. They enjoy more of the same things so I need to make and effort to be part of their world.
I agree that most husband wont even spend the time having dinner with the family or even spent time with their children. Plus you kids are young. Honestly that was the hardest time my hubby and I had in our relationship. They are young and demand so much time.
Wow... he does things around the house! You plan it and make it fun! Date him and he will follow.... hope that helps!
So sorry your husband is putting the kids first. There is much of this these days. I think kids need attention and parents to play with them but first they need parents who love each other, spend time building the marriage, and if they don't have that all the play in the world won't fix it for them. You can't make your husband spend time with you though. I'm so sorry that you have to feel this way. Could you ask him to spend x amount of time with the kids and put them to bed and then x amount of time with you? Someone needs to somehow teach him that you two come first, kids second and that's a hard one to get across these days.
Many people are not able to understand when we make efforts to enlist their help. Sounds like he's not understanding what you are saying. I urge you to be calm but very direct in having a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel. Use I statements. Do not criticize or judge him.
Ask him for help. Together brain storm ways that will help you feel included in his life while allowing him the distance he may need.
I recommend reading a couple of books. One is The Dance Of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. The other is Non-violent Communication. Here is a web site describing a way to talk and interact that allows both people to be heard and have their needs met. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
Here is a description of the contents of Dance Of Intimacy. http://books.google.com/books/about/The_Dance_of_Intimacy...
Later: Being persistent and direct about what you're feeling and what you want/need is not begging. It's being assertive. We just cannot reasonable expect someone else to understand what we want/need without our telling them in a manner in which they can hear.
Learn to play video games and join in.
your kids stay up all night? Put on a movie after the kids go to bed and curl up on the couch. Make sure it's one you BOTH want to see, not just a chick flick.
